I had surgery. Almost exactly a week ago as I write this, they put me under in the hospital and got to work. My surgeon/doctor was wonderful and did amazing, and I trusted my unconscious body in her hands. I hope to thank her properly in person when we meet for the post op appt. She and the team genuinely gave me my life back.
(While I don't wish to go into detail, my surgery was required bc I was physically AND consequently mentally suffering and in pain due to a deformity. I already feel WORLDS better having this procedure done and it's been like that since I woke up.)
My healing journey ahead is a rough one. It's hard because I AM in pain, and I AM trying to ignore or downplay it a lot and it's become much more noticeable today. I AM in pain. And I need to acknowledge it and say it's okay to be in pain- that it's okay to not be okay.
I fought insurance for this procedure and faced three delays. I was supposed to have this done back in January but it became a March thing. I am eternally grateful that my surgeon and the surgery coordinator fought SO hard so consistently to help me, especially the latter doing this day to day while juggling other assignments. It meant the world to me that she did all she did- in fact more than she had to- to give me this life-changing surgery.
The pain right now is probably mostly from swelling, if I had to guess? It's definitely less than a 10, maybe sitting at a 5 at most. This really is.. tolerable-ish? I guess?? But it IS still a major surgery and it is still pain and I AM feeling it and it IS bad. Of course it is. They cut through me. Even in the least invasive possible way, they still really messed with me physically and I am expected to experience soreness and fairly occasional bleeding and breakthrough pain. One of my sides is externally bruised, even.
Instead of giving myself the patience, I've been trying to say to myself "you're going to go through worse and you will hate it more. This will look like nothing when you're there." Which isn't.. the nicest thing to be saying to myself, even if it is true enough. My physical journey is far from over as of now. I still need a couple more surgeries to fix the rest of my physical condition, and those will be much more invasive and debilitating. But it's necessary and I know, always did, that it'll be worth it. All the suffering and pain I go through on this path will be worth it when I can finally wake up in a normal body in an average condition instead of deformed and pained.
The physical pains I'd experienced prior to this surgery were genuinely worse than what I feel now, so I push through by remembering I'd rather this than that. But I do feel discomfort and sensations in places I was never really aware of before and it IS weird. It currently feels like a claw machine came down and dug directly into my gut before pulling said insides out. And what I'm feeling is the leftovers of being in that claw machine. I can move a very good amount, but I need to limit it because my body needs to heal. If I do too much too early, I might risk more harm. And it is frankly uncomfortable to move at this point.
I can't draw like I normally can in this state either. I have to position myself in strange ways to create, but I still try to create. I can't do Much At All for at least a month. But that's okay. I somewhat view this as a training for my future surgeries. The next one will be the hardest to recover from, but it will be the most impactful.
It's funny. I didn't think I would feel any different, pain aside, post op. But I did. As soon as I woke up, I felt a thousand pounds lighter, free-er, happier. I AM genuinely happier and I am impacted by this a good bit. Many of my fears and anxieties have dissipated with this surgery. I feel like I can actually begin to love and accept myself. I'm not 'perfect' yet, but I'm VERY close. And it brings me joy to know I am halfway there. I was almost immediately excited that the roadblocks were gone- that the next time I go under, I'll wake up in the reality I've been working so hard to obtain. The thought of it makes me cry. It's a beautiful thing to think about.
I'm upset that there's more ahead but... I guess I have to grin and bear it. I have at least now been rid of most of what makes me deformed. I wasn't supposed to be born this way, but things happen and sometimes you're dealt an unnatural body that needs extra attention. But I have the power to fix it, and that gives me so much hope and hype for my future. Then I won't have to think about this ever again- I can move on with my life and focus on other things. I'll never be strange in a doctor's office again. I'll never be looked at funny by strangers. I'll never worry about what other people assume about me from a glance. I will wake up completely ordinary. I long for the comfort I will get. I long to get to know the person I'll become.
But damn it. Today I am swelling up and feeling breakthrough pain as I write. And it's okay to experience and acknowledge it. Soon enough, I will forget what this feels like and I'll be able to run and jump and squat and dance and bend over and sit up and god dammit I'll get to lay on my stomach again. And I can't wait for the pain and bleeding and weird sensations to be over!
Solitude is maddening. Solitude is pretty.
Solitude is cruel. But you know that cause you are too.
I had a feeling. That feeling was true.
You did me dirty. You thought I was screwed.
Well I don't care what you try. It won't bring me down.
I don't care where you are now. I'm glad you're out.
Thought you had the upper hand kicking me to the curb?
I've gone to new places. You'll be stuck where you always were.
If it works for you, good to hear.
Works for me too. I've no more to fear.
You scared him paranoid and left us for dead.
I don't care anymore. At least I still have my head.
I thought all the things you said were beautiful and real.
You continuously lied, now I'm left to heal.
I might be hurt. But it could be worse.
At least I'm not stuck in your arms,
Holding your hands. Dreaming of distant lands,
Crushing on someones who left me in a daze.
No longer will I be stuck in that haze.
Your sharp claws may have stabbed me then.
You're fortunate I was blind those days.
Your prickly nails will never touch me again.
And that's perfectly okay.
You're probably laughing at me from your safe house,
Mocking everything I do and say.
Judging me for things you're not part of.
I don't care anymore. I'm happier without you.
~January 10, 2024
Extra commentary:
I'm not actually sure when this last one was written, but it's the final part of the saga. I added it to my poem collection on Jan 10, 2024, so I assume it's from then. Coming back a year later from all the stuff that hurt me made me feel strong. I had realized in October 2023 that I was groomed by the older ex. It was a lot to process and accept. Part of this poem was coming to acceptance with that.
I'm glad to be done with this. It was a difficult thing to re-explore.
Here's a few extra snippets from January 2023 that I felt were artsy.
-Feels like a nice night to fall in love with someone. There's nobody and there won't be, but tonight would be wonderful to just feel that.
-My stomach hurts, thinking of you. I miss you. I miss you.
You said we belong with each other.
Wasn't that a fucking lie
I wish it wasn't. You were so precious.
I was happy
I'm not used to the emptiness I feel
God is all I ever do at this point is make you uncomfortable?
Sometimes I wonder what the point is. I'm alone, you have each other, and why would you take me back? I'm feeling so distant from you, like I barely know you and you don't want me in your sight. What's the point of loving you if you hardly like me around, I feel. I know that isn't quite true, but I lack the information to make a proper thought about it all anyway. You won't even spend the new year with me.. it breaks my heart. Why do I love you when you break my heart?
I used to be so important to you. Now I feel I've just kinda been tossed aside.
I begin to wonder if we were ever really together to begin with. If we ever were in love. If I ever told you how I felt. If you told me the same. Was I your sunshine? Were you my starlight? Did that happen? It feels just like a distant, long forgotten, burning memory now.
I wake up and I can't even remember what loving you felt like. What it feels like now because I'm so empty.
I miss knowing what you were like. I miss talking to you. I miss you.
I want to hold onto love. I don't want to stop loving you because my heart swells and gushes at the sight of you and sound of your voice. However, it's been a while for my brain and that turn down changed my mood and tone. I barely feel anything now. I want to be your secret-not-so-secret admirer. Yet somehow it doesn't feel good right now. Maybe I should just try moving on and getting over you.
But then what would be half the point of living in a world without love? Such a wonderful thing it is.
I'm sorry that it hurts again. Love hurts me all over again. But I'll continue to try to be resilient.
My heart is sick and my everything is screaming.
I read over these messages and cry. It's all I can do.
We used to hang out all day, every day. Now you won't even send me a good morning message..
All I wanted was your company. You don't even have to love me now. Am I still your bestest friend? We wanted to be best friends, remember? And now it's almost like you won't even look me in the eye and IT HURTS. If we're not best friends, what are we? I don't want to be exes. I don't feel like I'm much a best friend to you right now.
I admire you. I always have. I want to be what you step on. I want to be everything you ever loved and wanted and needed. I want to be part of the air you breathe. I want to be the sunlight seeping through your windows in the morning. I just wanted to be your pathetic little meow meow. I wanted to be your admirer, begging for your blessed attention. And you won't even look at me. I wanted to love you. Worship you. You could step on me and I'd thank you.
Don't you love me? Don't I mean anything to you?
I feel too heavy. It's becoming harder to breathe. I wish you'd breathe the air back into my lungs. I am run by confusion and misery. Can't I continue on powered by love and hope instead? So wrapped up in my feelings that I can't even focus. Shame on me for loving you. There's a great chance it's all hopeless anyway, if you're doing this.
WHY DO YOU PUSH ME ASIDE
I miss you so much.
Was I worth it?
January 1, 2022, January 2, 2022
Extra commentary:
Okay THIS is the lowest of low points. I was alone and unable to gauge what was going on and what they wanted. They were really scaring me, and I was just desperate to remember what love felt like. I began to resent my exes. They left me behind. And I was terribly alone with my thoughts. Terribly Alone.
I'm not sure if this is a poem or more so a stream of thoughts. It wasn't meant to be a poem at first. But I guess it reads like one now. I dislike the contents of this one. I feel shame for how I once felt. But my world was so small back then that how could I know what lay ahead? And how could I not appreciate the way the old words read at the very least? If I cannot be proud of the contents but enjoy what way I wrote about them, maybe someone else will appreciate it in full.
If you currently relate to how this feels, know that there are great things ahead. You likely cannot comprehend it yet, just as I was unable. But it will be okay.
It's so hard not to bleed out in front of you.. tell you how much I love you, how much I miss you, how much I desire you
It's so hard not to bleed out in front of you
It's so hard not to tell you I love you
I blush being here. I fluster. My face feels warm and hot.
I love you.
I giggle hearing you speak. I giggle in your presence.
God you make me so happy.
Even when you're gone, I love you
Thank you for the time you shared with me today
You make my little big heart happy
Sometimes I feel a bit tired to pine after someones who aren't actively returning how I feel
That doesn't mean I'll stop.
My teeth are dug so deep into this feeling of love that I won't eat much else
I'll continue to bleed out all my love, whether in secret or in sight
I'm hooked on a feeling of falling for you
Even if my heart aches and I continue sitting here alone
You're always on my mind and I'm lovingly thinking of you
Adoring you
Wishing to be affectionate with you
December 31, 2022
Extra commentary:
This part of the saga is probably the last "good vibes" one. As you can see, there's three different sections in today's poem, because it started out as three. At this point I was enjoying the little time I could spend with either of my exes. The company was something I loved, because I could breathe again in a way. But this happiness would not last. I would start to become upset. I feel bad seeing these old writings because my existence was miserable then.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I was a bad person
I can see you
I miss your chaos
I miss your smile
Light up my life
Please stay a while
We can't turn back
The clock won't rewind
But I can turn myself around
I can change my mind
Please kiss my heart
Nibble on it so
I'm getting better and growing for you
Please don't let me go
Guess I best hold on
I'm getting desperate for your love right now
I know I don't need it
I know I'll be fine without it
I can hold on a bit longer
I will hold on for as long as I can
I know begging will do me no good
So I'll hold onto it for as long as I can allow
So I don't threaten and scare you away
I'll stick around
I'm sure it's nothing
My desperate desires will pass for a bit
I'll do my best to keep my seams together
That way I don't burst in front of you all at once
So I won't become a mess you despise for still trying
December 27, 2022
Extra commentary:
Another part of the long ass saga. Including as much as I can. I was happy just to FEEL love, unrequited or otherwise. I was willing to throw myself at the pain of one sided feelings JUST because I wanted to feel those things. I never wish to feel this type of content again.
Combined a second poem with the other one. Might do this a few times. If I've written it in the same day, I'll lump them together. I was starting to feel like a mess.
You're wonderful.
God, you're perfect.
I was blind before, even when you were right in my arms.
But now I see clearly with you at a distance.
I don't mind what you feel.
I don't mind what you identify as.
I don't mind what you need.
I just love you.
I love the person I met.
I love the person I fell for.
I love the person I was with.
God, you're perfect.
And I couldn't see that, with the way I was looking before.
I was wrong.
So very wrong.
And selfish.
I was mean.
I was bad.
I have problems.
I can acknowledge that.
I want to change.
I want to change for you.
You're worth it.
Love is worth it.
God, you're perfect.
Now I can see I love you all the same as I did the first time.
I'm sorry I was fazed by change.
I'm sorry I was cruel.
I'm sorry I was someone different than who you fell for.
But I promise you I can do better.
Take some time.
Give me a chance.
Let me grow to properly love you.
I'll learn the proper way to water you.
I'll learn the proper way to support you.
I'll learn the proper way to care for you.
I'll learn because you deserve the best.
God, you're perfect.
I have a long way to go before I get good enough.
I have an ocean to reduce to a lake.
I'll wait for you.
I'll wait for when you're ready to accept me into your loving arms.
I fully accept you.
I fully love you.
And I am more than overjoyed to see.
My love is unconditional.
I just have issues.
But I can work on those.
We can sort through these situations together.
God, you're perfect.
I'll get better for you.
I'll grow for you.
I'll evolve myself to become better for you.
I'll learn to control the ugly things for you.
I'll kill the bad parts of myself for you.
I'll change my everything for you.
Just keep on doing what you do.
December 25, 2022
Extra commentary:
Okay so I hate this one. It cringes me out. Like a lot. I might delete this part of the saga. Some of these get pretty ugly.. But I'll post it for now for the sake of transparency. I said I'd post the saga so I may as well post all of it.
One thing that really crumbled the relationship we had was my partner's gender identity. For as long as I'd known them, they were my girlfriend. But they wanted to try out new pronouns and it put me in a panic. I acted out in some strange ways. It doesn't excuse any of my poor behaviors, but I didn't take the news well at first.
The problem wasn't an inability to accept this news, or transphobia, but honest to god I was badly comphet. I really thought I was straight. Ignoring that I ALSO had a boyfriend at the time, because I did think he was the exception to my straightness back then. I hadn't thought I'd be attracted to men. Seeing that he was also trans, it caused a lot of tension that I didn't mean to have a part in. (My affection for him had nothing to do with his body or his transness.) I just hadn't had the chance to explore myself much before I got into dating. I was afraid that I would fall out of love if my girlfriend was no longer presenting as a girl. And that love meant everything to me at the time.
I get dumped. They get to hang out together and I am terribly alone. They spend a bit of Christmas day with me. It was nice for me. And I realized then and there that I wasn't at all affected by a change in gender presentation at all. I still loved this person, even if they went by new pronouns. And that's unfortunately how I figured out I was PAN this whole time. Well shit.
So I started posting about being proud of being pan. Realizing I was pan! Being HAPPY that I was because it meant gender really didn't matter and it never did. But I was later stupidly accused of doing it for show as a way to wave the exes back. Nah dude I just didn't know I was actually properly gay until now. I didn't identify much at all with LGBTQ labels (except for aroace spectrum) leading up to this point and it was a huge deal for me to learn my queerness.
I walked outside once to look at the skies.
I saw a sight so beautiful it hurt my eyes.
It was clear and calm.
It was cold and quiet.
And through the silence sat the moon.
She glowed brilliantly in my gloom.
And the stars danced around her elegantly.
Although my recalling won't be said quite as eloquently.
And this was the world and it was full.
And it was without me, and I was a crying fool.
All I could do was reach out to them, the moon and the stars.
No matter how high I reached, I never got far.
It was not enough to be part of them.
Still it was enough to feel some.
For no matter how much I wailed and bawled.
They did not hear me.
They continued to sway far above me, just out of reach.
The stars continued to burn, the moon pulling the tides on the beach.
Wave after wave of hurt and pain.
I fear I may never get to be part of it again.
It was a clear, cold night.
And the moon and the stars were alone together up there.
The night needs no sun although his rays are warm and nourishing.
For if he gets too close the world will surely burn.
Although he cares and wants to be there too.
The sky simply won't allow it and he must admire from a safe distance.
Let the stars and the moon have a duet together.
I will be down here on the ground, wishing things were better.
December 22, 2022
Extra commentary:
The art attached is a 2025 original that I made as a companion piece to the poem. I had a sculpting class with a final project prompting us to capture a memory.
As for the poem itself, I wrote this one a couple hours after the one before it. I wrote a lot that day.
I wanted to share a bonus scrap that I had written. It's not exactly a full poem, I feel, but it said a lot about who I was and what my state was at the time.
"There is nothing to do when you're not around.
There is nothing to see when you're gone.
There is nothing without you."
It's surprising. Looking back really makes me feel things that I've since forgotten. I wasn't expecting it to hit so hard all these years later but it did. Yet I'll press on to share my art.
I feel so numb.
So empty.
Where once there was color, there is now white. Pure white. Or empty, blank light gray.
What was red is now blue.
What was vibrant is now gone.
You shaped the world in a way I aimed for.
Now you've left me and my space needs filling.
Who will let me live in peace when all is dull?
When will I show you I have learned?
I want to be good. I will be good. I aim for nothing less.
Why must I feel so dependent when I need time?
How will we carry on when a part of our heart-shaped soul is chipped and disintegrated away?
But I sit here, thinking.
I lay here mourning.
I float about, crying.
But now there are no tears.
Just numb.
So empty.
Now you've left me and my space needs feeling.
I will find ways to help it. I will find ways to get better. I will find ways to grow.
Good night, thank you. It's been good.
December 22, 2022
Extra commentary:
This poem is part of a saga. I've got a few poems written between the last one and now, but they're not related to the experience I'm covering, so I'll have to post them another time. You can read the previous one here. (I posted the previous part years ago on its own but I've since linked it to the saga.)
We started dating. The three of us. Together. Me, my partner of then, and our new boyfriend: the groomer. And for a few months, life was bliss for me. But I got unstable. I fell apart. Trouble fell in what I thought was paradise. We became dependent on each other. We barely interacted with others. If I wasn't at work, I was home with them in call, practically 24/7, doing anything and everything together... to the point we had nothing to do together. And yet we still did nothing together.
I can't recall the details perfectly anymore. It's been long enough that my wounds are old and faded. But I still remember that the two of them became angered with me and left me in silence. I was isolated for over a week. Maybe a week and a half.
I spent most of my December lonely. Reflecting. Thinking about how I was the problem. I was becoming anxious. I was afraid they would leave. And I struggled to adjust without their constant company. Life felt bleak, boring, miserable. I wasn't just depressed. I was paranoid and empty. I believe it was this day that they broke up with me.
