is it too much to want to be loved forever? why do love expire easily nowadays im so tired of it

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is it too much to want to be loved forever? why do love expire easily nowadays im so tired of it
There is a tsunami that follows me around like it has a feet of its own. Sooner or later, I will have to learn how to swim and face this calamity.
you know what? i hate you. i really do hate you. now im finally admitting it wholeheartedly. i hate you with every fiber of my being. i hope someday the pain you caused me comes back to you a hundredfolds. i want you to know how it feels to be betrayed and have your entire identity shattered in pieces. i hope i never gave you the power to hurt me. i hope i never met you at all.
hoy ngno di mugana akong tag huhu
p: gwapo imong bag bea, unsa brand?
me: *looks* balenciaga. woaaah karon rko kabalo
t: wa jud kay labot saimong palibot bea no?? akoa nalang na bi
p: tinuod na?! daw. hala tinuod jd diay!!
nahulog nako ang bag pagka-ulian HAHAHAHAHA grabe sabay jud silag shagit bai
i have this mindset that i dont deserve to be happy or enjoy my life while im still suffering from something (anything related to my past, family wars, academic pressure, or just my life going downhill atm).
i think that i had to fix everything first before i can say i deserve to feel happiness. and it really sucked because i just lost my entire life trying to heal from something that will never be fixed completely.
i hope i get a working setup that really works for me. something that wouldnt drain me
im so inlove with my bf bai like i sometimes break into tears just thinking about him keeping things to himself just to make me comfortable