#monkeynegus

[monkeynegus]

It's a horrible feeling

To know that you're not enough. "He doesn't dance anymore." "Are you getting back into dancing?" Sometimes I would like to think that I didn't stop; other times I say that I do. I love to dance, that is a fact. Am I good? Probably not. Is that what I want to do in life? I don't know anymore. I know it is a part of me and it will never go away. I want to be able to go into a circle, confident in my abilities to show that I am good. Until then, I just dance because I love to move. I dance because it makes me forget my problems. I dance because it makes me feel alive. Sometimes I wonder if you do what I do. Every night, as I lay in bed, I listen to my voice mail. It's the only way I hear your voice now. I cry every time too; not just because I miss you but because out of the 29 voice mails, only a few were ones where you weren't crying. It only makes sense for you to leave. You weren't happy. I failed even when I thought I did everything right. I lost. As always, I can only hope that you're happy. I wish nothing but that for you.

[monkeynegus]

I left

Because I wasn't good enough.

[monkeynegus]

I figured they would have found out by now

"Where is she?" "Home I guess."

[monkeynegus]

Welp

That was fun but To be honest, I would rather be at a wedding with close friends than to be at a party with acquaintances. However, at the end of the night I was with a few close ones and celebrated them with happy birthdays. New York though.. I'm down.

[monkeynegus]

"All my friends are wasted"

And I hate this club; man I drink too much. Another Friday night I've wasted. My eyes are black and red; I'm coming back to you babe."

[monkeynegus]

I didn't realize

The people who are there for you when you least expect it. Thank you Kenneth, for telling me that I was not alone on this. For telling me that other people were in the same all that I am and that all you have to do, is do you. Whether it's you dancing and becoming the best that you can be; or its you trying to get Ph.D. At the end of your name. You do not have to choose one over the other; you can do both. It may feel like you are running out of time, but go at your own pace, and you will make it. Thank for those who have been with me ever since. A1 since day 1.

[monkeynegus]

It was nostalgic

Being there this evening. Nothing I wanted more than to see you in the corner where I first met you. I cried on the way home. It was such a random thought that made me cry; I don't remember the last time I bought you flowers.

[monkeynegus]

Angry with myself

We really are horrible. I didn't think you'd actually do it, but you did. You stole the truck, wrecked it and two other cars. I hate that I care for you just because you're my brother, just like how I care for mom just because she's out mother. How the hell do we recover from this one? I never thought I'd be so close to rock bottom.