Day 6: Halcyon
no warnings. spoilers for endwalker a bit. word count 905
“Do you believe one can still dream if they no longer need sleep, Watcher?”
The Watcher with his faded white robed form looks up from his latest crystal of recordings. “I don’t think I understand, Shepherd?”
Anthea runs a hand through their near colorless hair, its length near the middle of their back, something that it hadn’t been since trying to fit in at secondary school in Amaurot, frowning at the last remaining dark teal on the ends that would vanish should they give in to comfort and cut it short once more. “I fear that having no physical form anymore will mean I no longer dream, only the physical body needs sleep after all.”
“You have many of your memories recorded though. It will be no trouble to recall any of your halcyon days.”
It is true they have many of their memories recorded, many of Elidibus’, and the musical memories of Emet-Selch, there should be no need to worry and yet….
It would be so much easier if they did not still have vivid dreams of their beloved. Dreams where they can feel his skin once more, hear his laughter, and see his violet eyes sparkle when he smiles. Dreams that made their chest ache when they awoke to this constant night and no longer themselves. In their dreams they could once again be Anthea, their beloved could be Hythlodaeus once more, Emet-Selch would be Hades, and they would know where Deimos is. Their family would be whole and happy….
“You are right, forgive me for disturbing you.”
The Watcher looks back down at their work with falling shoulders, the only indication he feels sympathy and wants to help with his lack of facial features, before walking to the shelf of trinkets Anthea’s made over the years. He pulls down the radio, shuffling to hand it to them, “Here. Listening to it among the stars always seems to lighten your mood, Shepherd.” They can hear the change in pitch he’s developed to say he’s giving some kind of smile, If only I had known you more before all this Watcher, you wouldn’t have to indicate a smile, I would just know.
Anthea knows it won’t help this time, still they take the radio with a simple thanks and small smile, opting to walk among the fields of white. A ghost among the living dead, they find their favorite cliff to sit and look down at the remaining world of old and the new world that they will never know in this lifetime. Fresh footprints help in pretending that one of their old friends sits with them as they contemplate if it is worth it to finally give up this form.
This body hadn’t been Anthea since Emet-Selch asked them to take up the seat of Halmarut, hundreds of lifetimes ago. They’ve only grown out their hair this long thinking that so long as the teal remained they could still be that person they were, but there was no going back.
Time only moved forward
Their grey hair was proof of that.
The loss of Themis’ memories was proof of that.
Their old friend’s sagging shoulders proof of that.
Changes among stasis, forever proof that time only ever moved forward.
So maybe it was time to move forward. To acknowledge that the past will be staying in the past. To accept that they were no longer Anthea, the former Creationist of Elpis who tended a garden and never once thought about golden days ending.
They hold the image of scissors and bring them forth out of thin air. Sharp and gleaming in the borrowed sunlight.
They would never again be Anthea
They collect their long hair in one hand, taking a deep breath as they position the scissors.
they would move forward and embrace the new title. They will find peace among the sorrow
Three closures of the scissors against their hair and for a moment they are weightless.
and help those that were still stuck in stasis find the strength to move onward.
They let the scissors vanish and bring their chopped off hair in front of them, letting a few tears fall. Tears of mourning and tears of revelation. “Is this who you were hoping I would find beloved? Were you always able to see the person I am now?” They feel the start of a small breeze that begins to loosen their grip. “This person that no longer fears moving outside of what they once knew, even if it will still take some time to fully relinquish dreams of escapism. To let them turn into memories that will bring joys and reminders on the days I give in to the stasis.” Their hand opens fully, letting the breeze take the strands of hair and scatter them among the moon. “But I promise you I will get there. And in the meantime I will help others learn how to move onward in life, like you once did for me.” They look up at the stars, bringing their knees to their chest, listening to the wind, “Believe and walk in faith. Let the light of your soul shine for all to see. Let it guide others as you have guided me.”, his final wish for them.
“I am the Shepherd of lost and wandering souls, and I hope that when the time is right, beloved, you will see the person you helped create.”
