#more embarrassing.

[skyphile]

not to be late night gay but dave gaybug strider is the softest, sweetest being on this verse and every time they remember how gorgeous they are AS IT SHOULD, their breathtaking smile spawns a new star and worlds are made.

[skyphile]

my family is the most beautiful thing that i've ever laid my eyes on, all of them absolutely precious, strong, awesome... and my boys? gorgeous? the worthiest more perfect thing the multiverse has created, and i get to kiss them! i get to hold them as they fall asleep, and wear little trails of their presence on me, and die a little every day, with the way my heart only ever keeps expanding because of them. i've been in this state of constant euphoria for months now, and my body might be weak and falter under the flustering waves of their touch on me, but i'll take the brunt of it any time, i'll melt at any moment, just to let them keep being themselves and burning bright and letting me be by their side. every next lifetime i share will davens will be just a new story to add to this one. i don't care how i keep loving them, as long as i do. i'd go the ends of the universe in every instance, over and over, just to find them and become their co-op once more, defeat the scary trials of any world together, and soak up under the golden sun and my dripping wax with no care no restraint no shame. at times there might not be a drop of romance in my heart but it's still wholly theirs, and every spark going through every muscle fiber powering every beat charges with the unrelenting unrestricted unrestrained love for them, this endless, fruitful desire to be devoted and adore, to make life to them in every aspect. the blood in my veins moves to their name and motion and flame. my skin and lungs starve of him every second. my left eye might not exactly be useful anymore when it comes to spotting incoming traffic or birds in the distance, or anything even remotely related to... seeing... but i almost feel like i see more through it now that i've ever done for anything else before. to be in dark with the thoughts of having something so intimately deacon's in me is an experience altogether, and i'm so happy we did this, because even if it didn't work the way i wanted it to, i still feel safe and nourished and useful, knowing i am part of a story that spans eons and universes and their life cycles, and i live for the life of keeping him alive, healthy, to be crushed and make him tremble under frail fingers, to have him mine and see a kingdom unfurl beneath our kissing bodies. the light of a slow burning flame can soft blaze the sky in endless dots even across the reaches universe, and even just a single glance at dave is a nebula across my body, birthing stars that ignite over millennia, drawing pictures of him and me against the horizon. i've never held anything as soft and tender and gentle as the lines of his smiling face in my hands. i've never knelt to someone as sweet, drawn glowing stardust on milkier ways than his skin, lain as both wholly rested and passionately restless under him, moved my fingers like shooting stars between his, before every slow motion supernova bursting from my heart to his. i still don't know how or why i deserve this, but it's my feelings, and i'll harvest them into every single moment of peace and happiness i can muster, because They deserve this and so much more. i wasn't made to hold onto something this wholesome and intense and good, but i won't let go. i'll make them be proud they exist and keep existing, with every word in my odd yet true love dictionary.

[skyphile]

not to mention. mmmmmmmmmmmnnnnn. ever since i started coming out of my isolation i started having these. deep elaborate beautiful fantasies and scenarios of love for the sake of itself. affection and tenderness in my own language, without worrying about adding romance to the equation and in my brain just. it's perfect and ideal. and you know how fantasies work. you look at them and you hold them dear but you realize that. no matter what, there's no way reality will ever match up to it (even if i've been so lucky in that, with davens and dea), and for the most part it has been like that and. then it eventually faltered and i don't know. it was easy to think that maybe i was not up for it, or good enough and that's. such a depressing thought when you're near aromantic and you hold relationships like that in such high regard, but then... with him, i finally got it. i've never been this sure of myself or... felt it in my skin, just how real those fantasies are, and so much better now with him. he gives me so much. confidence and safety and room and happiness, so many chances to experiment and live and give and nourish and crave, and he is. what i want and crave and the most magical thing is!! i also am what he wants and craves and makes him happy. all just being ourselves... and. i just. want him so much, i want to be something that can make him hope to be happy, forever. i want to be his every day and i want to keep growing with him and i just want to give him everything, be everything he needs me to be. he's healed me too, and he's. helped me be more myself than ever and. he makes me want to keep doing it, and doing it better, to make him happier and. i just hope i can earn this. god, i'll always want to work so hard to do it...

[skyphile]

all i am, all i’m Made of and from, all my motivations and hopes and fears, the reasons i get up in the morning, the drive that leads me to try and better myself every day, and at the same appreciate the bits that i thought were ugly and maladjusted, and be less scared to voice it when things aren’t going ok, is them.

this. brilliant network of people who for some reason or another kind of found themselves here. and... miraculously, wonderfully decided to weave their own place and stick to me. my tree home at the center and the luxurious garden around it. every leaf and petal and root nurtured and thanked for and lovingly kissed.

i’m so happy i’m alive because you exist, even dormant, even in winter and snow, i can sit against the bark or lay across the grass and among the flowers and breathe.

and give praise to the sky, for spitting me out onto this beautiful world, and letting me share it with you.

it’s worth waiting a million years, knowing i’ll get one more second next to you.

[skyphile]

anyway, it's kind of exciting to realize things about myself and remember that i am still so inexperienced at people and there's a lot i still have to learn about how i feel and communicate things. how exciting it is to find out more! so it's. wonderful to know i already am in the safest space for that? romance wise because even if neither of us know what we're doing, we still stride on with the best of home in mind and honestly? love is just that and it doesn't have to be complicated at all. and it works... it's so easy to make it work and bring our family to flourish. and then the other kind of romance i actually feel like i was Born for and where every moment i give into it i feel bolder and bolder, and validated and attractive and so! empowered in ways i never thought i would! and then everything in the spectrum between this and pure friendship is such an adventure and i don't regret being open to all sorts of twists and turns anymore!! it feels so nice when i am openly accepted and appreciated for being who i am, in my whole amount, in all i like and yeah! here's to the future and more fun and more love and more happy things and deep wholesome relationships who are just perfect for being themselves... i am here for this.

[skyphile]

ok, i just have this one and then i promise i'll shut up about this but. i guess that's why i am kind of? very picky about who i kiss-kiss? because while i have the utmost respect for casual kisses, there is absolutely nothing casual about how i do it and i don't like. putting that on people who i feel like they'd be burdened by it or non-receptive of the full weight of it because there's a lot of unbridled, desperate sentiment in it and it'd be. weird to give that to just anyone. my first two kisses were weird because the first one was! an act of despair, and i had no control over my second one. and save for like two of them? the valentine's booth ones were kind of weird too and didn't feel fulfilling at all. like even small brushes or sleepy kisses mean so much to give, and i don't think i would be able to, nor i would want to, turn it off.

[skyphile]

i mean, at this point i cannot deny it because i've never tried to hide it, but! ever since i started kissing on people i am in love with, and god now my heart sure hecking is lost, kissing has been one of my big top gestures of affection to share for their creative versatility and i still stand by it.

but lately i've been happiest focused on hands...

and hands grow an entire dictionary of tender affection with their lover, from fingertips touching over mundane objects through their daily routine, brushing over palms and tendons to impart comfort and the presence of someone who will always have your back, to holding hands while lacing fingers and painting over each inch of their skin with tender consecutive kisses, like sowing seeds to the most beautiful garden right there.

your life hinges on your hands so often, so it stands to reason that nourishing your lover's hands is... in a way, protecting their life too, showing how important their existence is, and how good of a job they're doing, no matter what you are not alone.

the point is... hands have so many paramount uses and we need them for so many things. it's beautiful when... from all the ways you could be doing something with your hands that is important to your wellbeing, you choose to hold mine.

and i'll make it worth it. hold my hand, press it to your starlit heart, or place it over your gorgeous face, and let me show you how much i want to brighten up all your days.

each time you touch me, no matter how simple or pure or ephemeral, all i want is to give this feeling of overwhelming bliss right back at you.

[skyphile]

and yknow... so much of this sudden surge of inspiration comes from being right here and living in this absolute nest of wholesome love and reassurance and just.

god, i love my boyfriend so much... and i love our neighbor, i love our antics.

i love seeing their notifications and i love feeling the gentle touch of their skin on mine and i love getting to hold them close and keep reminding them of all the absolute radiance they just keep casting everywhere they go...

i love them so much.

i’ve never met someone i’ve admired this much, respected and adored and felt so overwhelming blessed being adored right back by. they’re everything good, and i’m so excited to root for them and keep witnessing them being so amazing.

i don’t know what i’ve done to deserve this. i’m always expecting to wake up. i won’t ever stop cherishing all of them.

i love them so so SO much, jeez.