Fanfic - Old Dog, New Trick BONUS: The Confession (Bluey)
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This Bandit Bonus short is called "The Confession."
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Mort knocked three times on his best friend Maynard’s cabin door. It was a short walk from his house to here and for the first time in years of making the journey, he felt out of place. His stomach churned as he waited for the answer. He tried to grasp what confidence Bandit and Chilli gave to him earlier in the evening, but it had floated away like a piece of driftwood in the nearby lake.
Maynard opened the door, no emotion visible on his face. He was probably thinking how odd it was that a dog who could barge in any old time he wanted was taking the time to knock and wait to be invited in. “Well, well,” said Maynard, hand sliding down to his hip, “I was startin’ to wonder whether you’d gone missing.”
Mort felt like he was a teen coming home after curfew to face the music. “Look, mate…it’s late and all, but…I just gotta say this. I’ve been a dunderhead, and I can understand if you're miffed at me. But…I just wanna come in and explain some things if you’ll allow me to.”
There, he said it. Well, not it, but he still tensed his shoulders and braced for whatever would come.
Maynard smiled and placed a hand on Mort’s shoulder. “Like I’d deny you anything, you old fool. Come on, I’ll put the kettle on.”
A few minutes later, they were seated on the couch in Maynard’s slightly too cluttered living room, tea in hand and a late football match low on the TV. It all seemed like any other time between them, but it felt all too foreign to Mort due to his new revelation. Maynard meanwhile took a sip casually and turned to Mort without a thought as to what he was about to reveal.
“So what’s goin’ on, mate?” the wolfhound said, “you berate me, kiss me, then leave me high and dry all week. I mean, I’m sorry I was careless on the boat but it didn’t seem like a big deal to me.”
“Yeah, I get it,” said Mort, trying to ease himself with small talk. “First freshie I’ve ever seen on that lake. Who knows when they moved in?”
“Won’t do no good to my fishin’, I’ll tell ya that for free.”
Mort let out a chuckle. The levity and nonchalance Maynard treated the whole event would’ve got on his nerves that day, but now it was taking the weight off his shoulders. This old airhead was really something else. All the more reason he had to do this now.
Mort set his mug down on the coffee table and took a deep breath in. “So look,” he began, “I had to…think about some things after that. That croc was all sticks and scales but I…I dunno. I really thought it was gonna hurt ya.” Mort swallowed. “And I couldn’t bear that happenin’ to me best mate.”
Maynard set his own mug down and opened his mouth but Mort held a paw up. “Please,” he said, “I just gotta keep goin’ so I can get this straight.” He blinked at that last word and then cleared his throat, looking away and wringing his paws in his lap. “I suppose I’ve come to realize ‘cause of what happened that…you hold a really special place with me. I’ve called you my best mate all these years but even that wasn’t enough. You saved my life in the jungle. You helped me meet my wife and were there when me kids were born. I’d trust you with anything. You mean as much to me as…well, as she did.”
It was Maynard’s turn to blink. An old dog like him as special to his best mate as Mort’s wife. Was he?
Nah. He’d always dreamed of this day but had long since put it out of his mind as an impossibility. But somehow life always found a way to surprise him.
Mort looked Maynard in the eyes as what weighed him down since the lake was lifted from him, instilling a new confidence with what he was about to say next. “That’s why I acted like a drongo. I was scared, of what might happen to you and what I was about to learn about myself so late in me life.” Despite his unwavering voice, he felt himself glow red as all get out as he finally stood at the edge of confessing what had laid dormant in him for so long and had erupted so suddenly after a simple kiss. And what scared him now wasn’t if Maynard would be accepting, goodness knew he would, but that if he would reciprocate. It brought him back to the butterflies he felt when he confessed his feelings to his late wife, rose petals coming free due to his shaking hands around the bouquet.
“It don’t make it right and I’m sorry but…I love you, mate. I really, really do. And…if you’d do me the kindness of going steady with me, I’d be the happiest dog in the bloomin’ world.”
There. He did it. If nothing else, he could say that much. Now he just had to wait for Maynard’s reaction.
A swirl of emotions rattled the old wolfhound’s noggin, but he chose not to display them. For such an honorable declaration, one that would make him as well the happiest dog in the world, Maynard thought it was Mort’s turn to be wound up a bit for their little tiff. Perhaps it might help his friend, no, boyfriend now, relax even. Of course it might not.
Maynard shut his eyes, took a deep breath in, and stood up. “Well, I suppose I’ve got one thing to say to that.”
The pedestal Mort built for himself to do this came crumbling in an instant. “Y-yeah, mate?” Here we go.
“It’s about time.”
Mort opened his eyes. He hadn’t even realized he was squeezing them shut. “C-come again?”
Suddenly he was pounced on and both dogs fell onto the couch, laughing while wrapped up in each other’s arms. “I can’t believe it!” said Maynard, “me best mate in the whole world fancies blokes, and not just that, he fancies me! Yes, you old fogey, I wouldn’t wanna go steady with no one else but you!”
“Ya mean it?” Mort asked.
Maynard nodded. “Too right, you beauty!”
As they helped each other upright, their muzzles found their way to each other and Mort felt those butterflies in his stomach again. It had gone just like he hoped it would and better. He had taken to this newfound discovery like a freshie to water, and wouldn’t you know it, it was a piece of cake.
The logistics of who would live where and what sorts of things they would try with each other could be dealt with later. Mort would take this new relationship one step at a time and right now, surrounded by Maynard’s coat, felt pretty darn good in his book.
Bandit could feel his eyelids sagging despite the high-octane action on TV. This was supposed to be the hottest new movie that all his friends were talking about, and it was boring him to sleep. Chilli, however, was on the edge of the couch and he was happy for her sake, but he’d rather watch a bone get brushed. What he wouldn’t give for something to break up the monotony of the same four buff guys whose names he’d forgotten punching each other in the mouth.
The jaunty ringtone playing on Bandit’s phone drew his attention away, like a song from heaven. He grabbed his phone from the armrest and saw Mort Cattle’s scruffy face smiling back. “Babe, look, your dad’s on the phone,” he remarked.
“Hmm,” said Chilli. “He’s usually in bed by now.”
Bandit turned the TV volume down and answered, putting Mort on speakerphone. “G’day, Mort,” he greeted.
“Bandit, thank goodness!” came Mort’s gruff, slightly panicked bark. “Look, I’ve got something…personal to tell ya. You alone?”
Bandit turned to Chilli and gulped. If Mort could only see the look of death his daughter just gave him. “Er, Chilli is with me. Is everything alright?”
The other end was silent for a beat. “Ohhhh dear. Er, e-everything’s fine, Chilli-dog. Maybe. I dunno. I mean-“
“Dad, what’s going on that only Bandit can hear?” Chilli asked, eyebrow raised and tone prodding.
“Look, I didn’t mean anything by it. I only phoned Bandit because I know he’s one o’ those…multi-lovin’- no, dual…? Nah, that’s not it.”
“What are you on about, Mort?” Bandit asked.
“Aw, strewth, what do kids these days call it when you fancy both girls and blokes?”
“What does that have to do with anything?” Wait. Hold the phone. He looked at Chilli. “Is he…?” he mouthed.
Chilli shrugged, eyes wide. She could feel now this was as much dropped in her lap as it was Bandit’s. She didn’t know how this was about to go.
Mort sighed. “Okay, listen, you know me mate Maynard, right?”
Bandit tensed, sensing what was coming. “Yeah, he really likes fishing, eh? What about him?”
“I may or may not…have fallen for him.”
“Erm…have you or haven’t you?” asked Chilli. “I feel like there’s no inbetween there.”
“Okay, yes! I have. I mean, I don’t know! Well, maybe, it’s confusing. Rather- oh, biscuits and jam! I’m 65 years old! I don’t know how to be double-attracted…whatever it is you are!”
Bandit massaged the bridge of his snout. “Bisexual, Mort.”
“Yeah, that! I knew I heard that somewhere!”
Chilli shook her head. “Dad, when did all of this come about?”
“Umm…you two got a mo’?”
“The kids are in bed and my father-in-law’s coming out. We’ve got all the time in the world now!” said Bandit.
Chilli even had to admit, the movie was nowhere near as good as this was likely to be.
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MORT: This episode of Bandit is called “Old Dog, New Trick.”
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“You know me and Maynard have been mates through thick and thin. Any time I spend with him is the best part of my day. But I suppose things changed about a week ago when I went with him to his favorite fishing spot…”
Not a cloud was in the sky nor wave on the lake. Maynard, bless him, was perched on the nose of my canoe, foot on the very end. I turned away from me own fishing pole to see how he was gettin’ on and I rolled my eyes. Maynard probably thought he looked like some bloomin’ superhero, watching over his city.
“You’re gonna fall into the lake, mate,” I told him for the 10th time.
He turned back and shook his head, his ears flopping about like they were mocking me. “I tell ya, mate, you gotta show the fish who’s boss and dare ‘em to bite your line. This has worked for me countless times.”
“You’re dreamin’, mate.”
“Watch me catch the biggest Barra in this lake and you’re gonna eat those words.”
“Tell you what, you catch anything before you fall in this lake, I’ll kiss you.”
Maynard huffed. “Oh, you’re playing with fire now!”
Yeah, I was. I’ll admit, he looked kinda cute standing there, thinking his superstition would make a difference, so I was havin’ a laugh, or I thought I was. Maynard told me he was gay years ago so I figured a bit of riling up would be a funny joke. I returned to my own fishing pole thinking nothing of it.
Then out of the corner of my eye, I spied a freshie, a tiny crocodile breaching the surface. As soon as he appeared, he dipped back below. Not a rarity but not something you see every day, “Uh, Maynard? We got a freshie.”
“Yankin’ my chain again, are we?” he huffed.
“Seriously. I think we’d better get back to the dock.”
“Oh no, you made your bet, now lie in it. I’m catchin’ that bloody Barra!”
All of a sudden, I saw him lean forward, his pole bending under the weight of whatever he just hooked. “Aha! Got a bite! You know what that means!” He started reeling in his catch and I started to dread his gloating. He always does that when he’s right.
And then, the boat is hit, right? A good whack underneath and we were rockin’. Maynard wobbled where he stood and tumbled tail over tea kettle into the lake. This freshie surfaced again next to the boat and snapped his jaws, hissing like mad. Maynard’s hook had it snared at the top of its mouth.
“Maynard, you idiot!” I yelled as he surfaced.
“Aw, that ain’t no Barra!” he whinged.
I grabbed the freshie by the snout and held his jaws shut. “Get back in here!” As Maynard heaved himself back into the boat, the freshie struggled in my arms, flailing with all its might. Keeping my grip, I slowly pulled the hook out then tossed the little bugger as far away from us as I could. I didn’t see it splash down before I cranked the engine over and took off back toward the dock. Those ten seconds felt like 5 minutes, I tell ya.
When I parked the boat, I finally noticed I was heaving like crazy. Me brain was racing a hundred miles an hour. I was thinking about all we had been through together. Bunking together during the war and all the jams we’d helped each other out of. It was eerily like one of those times. All the way to him helping out when me and your mum raised you. He’s a guy I’d trust with my life. I’d put him on the same level as your mum.
And then something inside me broke. It felt like a flea flew in me ear. I never once thought of any old mate that way before then and I couldn’t believe it. I never thought I’d feel that way about anyone after your mum.
“You okay?” Maynard said, climbing onto the dock. I turned back to his scruffy mug, the afternoon casting a glow on his soaked fur. “He didn’t nick you, did he?” He certainly didn’t look like someone whose life was just threatened.
I tackled him. “Nicked me?! I thought it was gonna nick you! Those freshies can bite your tail off! And you were up at the front of my boat like you were king of the world! Don’t ever do that again!”
Maynard held his hands up. “Okay, okay! I’m sorry!”
Was I being unfair? Yeah, a bit. All these surfacing feelings and I was taking them out on me best friend. I stopped myself from saying anything else and helped him up.
And then he said, “It wasn’t a fish, but do I still get that kiss?”
What an oaf he always was. Not a care in the world. I took all our years of friendship and planted it right on his snout, and it was as if everything clicked into place. All I can say is… I didn’t hate it.
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“Really?” said Bandit. “That’s all you can say after all that?”
“Okay, that’s a bit harsh. I loved it. I still can’t believe I’m saying that, and it’s been all I can think about all week. I feel like I’m going nutso, like I got a stomachache all hours of the day.”
“Have you told him how you feel yet?” asked Chilli.
“Um…no. I haven’t seen him since that kiss on the lake.”
“Oh, Mort!” Bandit exclaimed.
“Honey!” Chilli hissed, finger to her lips.
Oh, that’s right. Don’t want the kids to pry into this quite yet. He turned toward the stairs and waited. No one appeared.
“Mort,” said Bandit in a lower tone, “you can’t push him aside. That’s the worst thing you can do. If you really feel this way about him, you gotta tell him.”
Mort sighed. “You’re right. I owe him that after all he’s done for me. I suppose…I was just scared of me own shadow. This came on so suddenly, I didn’t know how to face it. You think you have it all figured out and then ol’ mother life bowls you a dip, eh? I keep thinking it should be up to me and it never is.”
Bandit and Chilli laughed. “Yeah, dad,” she said, “something like that.”
“The way you talk, Bandit, figuring yourself out must’ve been a picnic.”
Bandit so easily could’ve leaned into this small boost to his ego and agreed with Mort. But he couldn’t lie in front of Chilli. She had a talent for sniffing that sort of thing out. “Er, not really,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck.”I had a fit like you the first time I realized I was falling for one of my mates. Didn’t tell my mum or dad until much later. But I knew I had to share this with him otherwise it would just eat me up inside.”
“What’d you do?”
“I learned a song and next time I went to his house, I played my guitar and sang it to him. I wanted to impress him so that it would at least soften the blow. He loved it, and then I told him. And I don’t regret it at all.”
“You mean he felt the same for you?” Mort asked.
Bandit scoffed. “Course he didn’t, it was the 90s! But he still appreciated my being honest and we found a way to stay friends for a while. So yeah, you want my help? Talk to Maynard, if not tonight then first thing tomorrow, and figure out how far you wanna take this. I’m sure he’d be over the moon. You two already get on like an old married couple."
“...wow. I reckon we do. You really think I should?”
“Yeah. You’re never too old to learn something new about yourself, Mort. It’s just new tricks, is all. Trust me, Bluey and Bingo help teach me things every day.”
There was a pause on the other end. Bandit wondered if Mort was back to second-guessing himself.
“Chilli-dog?”
“Yeah, dad?”
“D’ya think your mum would be happy looking down wherever she is and seeing me with Maynard? You know, I really did love her, right? And I always will.”
“I know, dad,” said Chilli, trying to hold back tears. “I think she’d be happy seeing you happy. Don’t worry about her.”
“Alright, I’ll see if he’s still up. He usually is. Thanks for helpin’ this old dog learn a new trick, Bandit.”
“Anytime, Mort.”
“I’m sorry this came on so sudden, Chilli, and I appreciate you hearing me out as well.”
“Of course, dad,” Chilli nodded. “I love you.”
“Love you too, dearest. G’night.”
With that, Mort hung up. The movie was over by this point and Chilli and Bandit, both exhausted by this point but thoroughly satisfied with the turn of events, decided to retire for the night. As they climbed up the stairs to their room, Chilli said, “So how long until Bluey and Bingo find out about this?”
“If they haven’t been spying, babe, I’d say leave that up to Mort. I hope I said the right things.”
Chilli waited at the top for Bandit, then leaned in for a kiss. “You were terrific, babe.”
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A week after coming out to his daughter and son-in-law, Mort decided to pay the Heelers a visit. He had gotten the hang of the ridesharing app thing since the last time and had no trouble calling his own ride into Brisbane. But this time, he ordered a car for two.
Bluey and Bingo ran out of the house and wrapped their tiny arms around Mort. “Grandad!” they cheered.
“How ya been, squirts?” Mort asked.
They pulled away and Mort crouched down to their level. “Kids, I’ve got some big news. Your ol’ grandad’s got a new true love.”
“Oooh, who is she?” Bluey asked, tail wagging.
“Well, it’s not a ‘she’ as it happens,” Mort chuckled nervously. He stood up and turned back to their ride. “Come on out!”
A gray dog with scraggly fur stepped out and waved. “G’day, kids!”
“Maynard!” said Bingo.
“Maynard’s your new true love?” asked Bluey.
“Sure is,” said Mort, wrapping an arm over Maynard’s shoulder.
“Honestly didn’t think he’d ever come ‘round,” said Maynard.
“Oh, you,” said Mort, rolling his eyes and ruffling his messy fur. Bluey and Bingo giggled. “Let’s go inside, kids. I think you’ll wanna hear how this came about. And it starts with me, Maynard, and a little freshie…”
