This is reply I wrote on Reddit that got a little away from me. if anyone is up in the middle of the night wondering if they're trans, maybe they'll get something out of it, as I did with so many other people's stories. If nothing else, it just feels good to write it all down. Maybe I'll write it out more formally one day.
How did I know?
I say it happened in a weekend, which was more true than not. I had had one very loud intrusive thought of being trans about a year before, which had bugged me. I couldn’t figure out where it came from, and I couldn’t recall ever thinking anything like that before, so it was sort in the back of my mind for a while.
I remember going to my kid’s orchestra concert late last year, and their Big Sister was there with her partner, and it brought up all the feelings I had always had about lesbians, and how I had unintentionally pursued a couple of them when I was younger, and deep, unlabeled, feelings I would have around lesbians and lesbian couples. It was yearning, but I didn’t understand that yet.
Then I started reading Ranma (again) earlier this year, which made me feel some kind of way. I remember the Friday of the weekend my egg cracked wondering why I felt so sad when the girl had to turn back into a boy. I had read it years before and didn’t remember feeling that way, but I had a lot going on at the time, so maybe I wasn’t paying attention. I just remember feeling like something was happening, and I wasn’t sure what, but I started down the trans reddit rabbit hole that day.
Initially, I didn’t find anything that seemed to fit. I didn’t “know when I was 7,” or anything like that (let’s just forget the time I wore women’s underwear out in public in 7th grade, and, as with my lesbian feelings, confused the euphoria I felt with a fetish). I determined that my problem was that I was middle aged, and in the worst shape of my life, and decided to commit myself to getting fitter. I had my kids that weekend, so it went out of my mind for a bit, but I remember waking up Sunday morning and thinking “no, that isn’t it. There’s something else going on here.”
That really sent me into a spiral and I spent the next 24 hours basically reading anything and everything about being trans I could get my eyes on, and finally found stories and posts and essays that I could relate to. I remember each time I’d find a new piece of information that fit me, I would get a little jolt and start crying, I’d learn later that was the euphoria talking to me. I couldn’t quite believe what was happening to me, and even had the thought at one point that I couldn’t be trans, because that was simply too important a thing to happen to someone like me.
I remember I had a moment, right in the middle of the night, where everything seemed to stop, and I had a sudden need to see a woman’s name next to my last name. The story for why I had a list of women names at the ready is about as long as this is, so I’ll spare you, but I narrowed down to a couple pretty quick, and the second I saw Sophie next to my last name, I broke down. It felt so right, and it was like saying hello to myself for the first time.
After all of that, I got a little (very little) sleep, and decided to do the button test in earnest the next morning. I remember the feeling of head to toe warmth I felt when I finally allowed myself the reality of being a woman. It was one of the most intimate and centering experiences of my life. I already mostly knew before that, but that cemented it. I knew there was no going back, and that my life had fundamentally changed.
Anyway, I didn’t mean to write so much. I guess I just needed to get it out tonight. I’ve spent the last five months auditing my life, and have determined that most (but definitely not all) of the problems I’ve had have been related to dysphoria, I just didn’t know.
Things I wish I could tell younger me: no you didn’t always need to know. Wanting to be a lesbian has a simple and obvious solution if you just let yourself think it. Hating being called “husband” and "father" for a decade is a sign. Apathy is a sign. Being sad the girl has to turn back into a boy is a sign. Feeling like photos of you are of someone else is a sign. Wishing you could “look down and see that” is a sign.
Also, that thing you’re confusing with machismo is actually gender envy; you do get stupid around beautiful women, but not for the reasons you think. Oh, and maybe check out Real Life Comics. No reason, really, you just might get something out of it.
If anyone is still reading, I hope you get something out of this. Reading other people’s stories helped me immensely, and I try to help when I can.
