I would ask forgiveness @swedishgoaliemafia but I am incorrigible and unrepentant. This is just the price you pay for texting me unbearably tender ideas about hand-holding.
***
Patty waits for Joe to get tired of it, of him. Everyone starts out understanding, really. It’s like denying yourself chocolate, he guesses. You can hold out for a long, long time, until one day the want is too much. Of course, unlike a bar of chocolate, Patty has the choice to walk away.
He’s walked away again and again, a habitual maneuver at the first sign of pushiness. He might be stupidly optimistic, but he’s not a doormat.
Joe’s certainly pushy, but not in the ways that make Patrick run. He pushes Patty’s buttons sometimes, bouncing around, and he likes to push himself right into Patty’s arms. It’s different though. Joe isn’t pushing for something Patty can’t give; he’s just overflowing with love, spilling everywhere without an outlet. A little direction, a little affection, and Joe settles into a kind of pure happiness that makes Patty almost dizzy from the force of it. He watches himself closely, afraid of asking too much.
“Don’t touch me there,” he asks. “Don’t touch me now.” The words stumble out, unpracticed. “Don’t touch me like that.”
But Joe just nods and warmly says, “Of course. Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” like he’s imbibing Patty’s desires as fast as he can, starving for more. “Of course,” he says, “I’ll share my Gatorade.” He says it so often, like Patty should simply take his love for granted, trust it in the heedless way one trusts the sun to rise and fall. “Of course, I picked up more eggs for you while I was running errands.” Patty thinks Joe does love carelessly, but it doesn’t seem to lose meaning or weight even after a thousand iterations. “Of course, I took care of dinner reservations.”
It’s too much, sometimes, the way he makes Patty want to carve himself hollow so he can be filled only with the light of Joe’s love. Joe’s so earnest, Patty can’t help but believe him even when it scares him to death. That suffocating hesitance, the reticence that keeps him from showing all his cards, eases every time Joe blinks at him softly and says, “Of course.”
It makes him wild, childishly bold. When he comes back to their hotel room and finds Joe lying face down on the floor, shirtless and slightly sweaty, he just drops his bag at the door.
“Have a nice workout?” he inquires pleasantly, dropping to his knees to straddle Joe’s splayed legs so he can bite the dimples in his lower back.
“Yeah,” Joe laughs, hips hitching when Patty sets his teeth above the waistband of his shorts. He stretches his arms out a little, torqueing his body so he can tilt his head to look at Patty.
Patty crawls up a step to kiss him, settling his weight just above Joe’s ass. Joe hisses and shifts under him and Patty can’t help his growing smile. “That easy?”
“Don’t fish for compliments,” Joe chides teasingly, tucking his face back against the carpet and wriggling his hips under Patty. “This isn’t news to you.”
“Maybe I like hearing it,” Patty says, almost too close to real honesty for the lighthearted tone Joe set. He redistributes his weight, lying down over Joe, their ankles tangled together. He noses at the nape of Joe’s neck just to feel him shiver. “You want me to hold your hand through this?”
“Yes, yes, please,” Joe agrees instantly, hips still moving under Patty. He flexes his fingers like he can hardly wait and it’s no trouble for Patty to fit his palm over the back of Joe’s hand and lace their fingers together.
Joe’s confessed to liking this, being kept and held, with his usual lack of shame. It’s not hard for Patty to indulge that snarling creature in his heart that wants to sink its teeth into Joe and possess him wholly. How can he not want to keep Joe, when Joe does nothing all day but show Patty his soft, vulnerable spots with utmost trust? Patty spends too much time thinking about keeping Joe safe in his arms and showing him off to the world proudly, a contradiction that only makes sense when he’s hopelessly entangled with Joe. Joe is all-consuming and the only reason Patty hasn’t completely lost his mind is that Joe is equally preoccupied with him.
Patty leaves his mark in relatively faint hickies along Joe’s broad shoulders while Joe works for his pleasure. The simplicity brings a strange peace to Patty; all he has to do is keep Joe safe in the cage of his arms and he’ll get to see that satisfaction and affection.
Joe scrunches his eyes shut and tries to hide his face in his own bicep. “Pat,” he says helplessly.
“Yeah,” Patty responds instantly. “Come on. Just for me.”
Joe lets out a ragged breath and Patty can feel every tense muscle contained below him. Joe holds his breath, still for a moment. He comes, pulling their clasped hands closer, shuddering under Patty.
Joe pants quietly into his own arm, muscles slowly relaxing. Patty tries to ease off slowly, rubbing his hands down the length of Joe’s arms and sitting up. “That was so good, babe. You were so good for me.” He kisses the crown of Joe’s head and then moves off of him to sit on the floor. “C’mere.” Joe rolls blindly towards him and presses his face against Patty’s hip. He peeks up at Patty and smiles that blinding smile. “Hi,” Patty says fondly, running his hand over Joe’s short hair.
“Mmm,” Joe sighs happily, throwing an arm over to hug Patty’s leg. “Next time, let’s do that on your nice, soft carpet at home. I’m gonna get rug burn on my dick if we try this again.”
Patty can’t help but laugh. “Next time?”
Joe pinches his thigh in retaliation, looking smug when Patty jumps. “Next time,” he says loftily, “I’ll even let you spend more time leaving hickies, you fucking vampire.”
“Ok,” Patty says, smiling fondly down at this ridiculous man. He doesn’t have to walk away again. He doesn’t have to make distance for his own self-preservation. He doesn’t even have to preemptively push Joe’s hands away, not now that he knows that ‘of course’ Joe listens to him. He luxuriates in the heat of Joe’s hand curled above his knee for a moment before agreeing, “Next time.” He tugs his leg out of Joe’s grasp and leans down to kiss him briefly. “If you go shower, I’ll move the beds together before we nap.”
Joe’s eyes light up and he scrambles for the shower hastily and recklessly. If Patty feels a little cold for a moment, a little shocked at the sudden separation, their impending nap is swift consolation. He pulls the beds together without much thought, his heart ten feet away where Joe is singing loudly in the shower.
