#moth says

[bunniemothwrites]

On a beach somewhere maintaining a steady level of tipsy in the Caribbean. I’ll be back in a week.

Inbox remains open, but I’ll answer when I’m back on Canadian soil… OR! While shitfaced because there’s a swim up bar.

…

RIP anyone unfortunate enough to catch me in a drunken ramble.

🧡 moth

[demontouched]

favorite word?

currently, i really like the word luxuriate. it's kind of haunting me tbh, the baader-meinhof phenomenon is real lol

[demontouched]

what was your first gaming platform you owned?

what's your favorite drink?

the first gaming system i had was an original nintendo ds, and pokemon was my first game! my favorite drink currently is hot cocoa (made with milk, stirred with a peppermint candy cane, and topped with mini marshmallows).

[mothinthetrees]

Just found out my character for the upcoming game set in Exandria is the only one from the Krynn Dynasty. I have a concern. 

I think it’s:

Iliren Hythenos, Half-Drow priest of the Luxon (me)

??? Tabaxi Wizard (???)

??? Dragonborn or “warforged” Artificer (Armorer)

Soren, Human Bloodhunter (from the Empire)

That’s who is going into Frozen Sick then Into the Netherdeep. I am pretty excited tbh.

Being the only person from the Dynasty makes me anxious; however, we usually rule out racism as a plot point in session 0 with these players. I am excited to play with my brother! He is the DM of the other game I’m in and I run most of the other games we’re involved in.

[just-another-depressed-monday]

I am so lonely and touch starved that it hurts. My partner has been staying downstairs and I know they want me to ask them to be up here because they don't want to have to read my mind to know what I want but I'm so anxious I'll do something wrong and fuck it up. I just want someone to hold me and tell me it will be okay. I want so much for it to be okay. it's never okay.

Tw suicidaloty, suicidal ideation

It makes me start to spiral when I pull away from whatever I've poured all of my focus and attention into. Like I am a liquid and trying to be present is like existing outside a container and I feel like I just spread and spread and seep into the carpet. And it hurts and is overwhelming.

But if I focus on just one thing outside myself I can do that until I'm pulled away and reminded I'm liquid and sloshing over the sides of my container.

Because I'm always too much or not enough. I'm measured in metric when you want imperial and the conversion is work you have to be willing to do to see if I'm the right amount for you.

And I'm not. I'm never the right amount.

I'm just focused so hard I'm a solid for a moment. Finally stable. Then you take away the container and watch me melt.

I'm just so checked out I've seeped away into the apartment below with the old lady and her cats. I don't know where I am and I don't know where I go as my self spreads so thin you can see through me. Transparent like a dragonfly wing. I am almost as ephemeral as nothing at all spread thin like poorly made jelly all pectin and sugar and no real fruit.

I'm too much. Small and concentrated I tell you three facts and then tanget wildly to a related even more excited topic. I feel myself start to explain something we both know I've told you before. I know I've pulled back and none of this is surprising to you. You know I'm mostly reciting the facts and figures now. The bones of the stories I know by heart no matter who I am. The structures that are in my dense core memories that we all share. And I do not pause for you to speak because I've taken all the air and focus.

I'm not enough. My liquid body slowly melts off the side of the bed. Poured into the same Tshirt tunic as the last three days. I am a mess I haven't showered this liquid clean since I had reason to leave the house. I can smell the unclean on me and it sometimes smells like wound care. I have so much buildup in my hair that if I take my hat off it stands straight up. I have told three mental health professionals in the last month that I don't know how to start things and two of them suggested I just start things that are smaller or different than the things I need to do. Add to the endless to do list of completion. The other professional said I am scared to fail and that is true but I need to learn how and no one can explain it to me in a way thaty mind can understand.

I am too much intellect and not enough failure. I am so scared to fail that I learn the answers I'm supposed to give the mental health professionals. I know the acronyms for coping skills that have never worked for me. I can explain the mammalian dive response in my sleep but I am so panicked I cannot reach for the seven step process of getting water and ice and making a face bath of them. I am repeatedly told by professionals that I'm so smart or so intelligent or I respond to therapy well. I stare at them confused because I still want to kill myself I'm just bad at task activation. I am scared to solve this problem because what if it's the last step before I kill myself?

I am not enough of an impact to know if my life matters. It doesn't feel worth enduring for no reason but that some folk would be sad for a while. I supposey partner, 6 friends and brother would cry but I feel in my heart they would have secret relief that they don't need to care for me anymore.

I'm too much work. I cannot function as an adult on my own. I fantasize about moving far away where no one knows me and being a weird hermit. But it almost feels like just disappearing and killing myself would be easier.

I'm not enough of a disabled folk to find assistance with every day tasks. I'm not able bodied enough to exist without help.

I'm too much body. My fat and rolls padding my middle. Doctors see someone who refuses to exercise not someone in so much pain they forget to eat and their body goes into starvation mode.

I'm safe and you do not need to worry. I just needed to get all that out.

[just-another-depressed-monday]

Today I am practicing remembering that I have a body. I hate it.

I struggle to be present in my body and remember that I have a body. This results in either being a tensed up ball of rocks or being a puddle. There is not a lot of in between and it’s all heck on my joints and ligaments.

I’m hypermobile so I can relax until something pops out of place if I am not careful. It also means I can tense until something is out of place. I need to invest in more braces but they are expensive and I need custom ones for my hips that insurance wants me to jump a lot of hoops for and my PT thinks I should invest in compression leggings.

I live on money from my family and what I can beg or scrounge up so I can’t just buy stuff. So I spent time propped up on pillows or in the one chair that is mostly comfy. But I get really sore and stiff throughout the day. 

Today I am practicing by working not to let my ankles cross and not tucking my leg under myself. It hyperextends my hip and knee and I need to work on not rotating my hips out and engaging my core so I can counterbalance the hypermobile.

I also have PT exercises to do but I have been doing them at night so I can pass out afterwards. 

How do people be aware of their limbs all the time??? I feel like I can’t focus on anything because as soon as I start to focus I tuck my foot under me into my standard position.

I’ve got a resistance band loosely tied around my knees now so I can’t tuck a foot under me, but I can still cross my ankles which lets me flip my hips out. I’m like two steps from tying my own feet to something.

[mothinthetrees]

I’m just sitting here feeling sand when the upcoming new dnd groupchat lights up with a question about meeting next week and suggests we could do session 0 in person. 

We’re playing Frozen Sick and then Into the Netherdeep after that. I have three fully fleshed out characters prepared and I am ready to present one of them as a warlock or a sorcerer depending on the need. 

I may have to make sad OC posts for them because I am SO EXCITED to be a player in a second game. Especially one where I know the setting pretty well. This is also is run by one of my players, and the one who will appreciate my over the top need to have in character journal entries and playlists and art and custom laid out character sheets and a dice palette... 

This is close enough to actually happening that I may soon let myself tip into excited from cautiously optimistic.

[mothinthetrees]

I just gave up and closed discord.

then spotify decided to make the next song button just open a whole different playlist? The mental whiplash between The Darkest of the Hillside Thickets and Ke$ha may ruin my brain for the rest of the day.