#motheroftext

[motherofedm]

So my mental health has taken yet another turn...

Its been long coming for a while I guess now that I can see whats been happening but last week I made the decision to go back to my therapist and had another consultation for how I've been feeling recently and the thoughts I've been having.

Those that I'm close to (and now my followers are about to) known that I've been suffering from anxiety disorder for the best part of 2 years now and its taken me a long time to be able to cut myself loose from the stress and worry it gave me. I'm alot better now and I even go on nights out alot with friends from uni, which I never thought I'd be able to do this time last year.

However at some point I began losing motivation in doing alot of things, I just felt I was being lazy or something but it was only when I became frustrated at something that I started to see it was more than that. It's reached the point now that I see everything I do as a competition. I must be the absolute best and greatest at something...if I'm not, then whats the point in continuing to do it? Whilst this is a reasonable ideology to have at times, my mind has taken it to the extremes and forces me to believe and make me want to be remembered as more than 'someone who existed' I have to be that someone to change something, or be a history maker in something I've done etc, otherwise I'm holding the entire human race back...

But the worst part of this is, whilst having this extreme view that I have to be remembered and I need to be the absolute best, I don't give myself the motivation to work for it...instead my head has given up on it all, and won't let me practice anything I want to do, or work towards being noticed, as I'll be laughed at and not taken seriously, or just tossed aside for someone better without being given any real consideration.  TL;DR? Along with an underlying anxiety disorder...I've also been diagnosed with depression. Hopefully therapy can help me in a way that it did last year, but who knows? Its a different issue and a different level of suffering. Just wanted to say thank you to everyone that has been there for me through this really, and offered to listen to me if I need them. Special thanks though to fnpig, she's been there for me through this like no one else, granted we're together but she still goes that extra mile to make sure I'm ok, even it means she loses sleep staying up to talk to me and make sure I'm ok c: It really means the world to me that she does that and I love her so much for it =) Hopefully soon, with therapy and the support I've been getting from people closest to me, I'll be better real soon c:

[motherofedm]

I was tagged by fnpig 1.) . WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? - Nope 2.) . WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? - The last time I listened to Fellow Feeling knowing me 3.) . DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? - Its a mess >.< 4.) . WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? - Chicken 5.) . DO YOU HAVE KIDS? - Nooooo 6.) . IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? - Probably not no >.< 7.) . DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? - Depends on the situation 8.) . DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?  - yup 9.) . WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? - Never really thought about it 10) . WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? - I don't eat cereal but if I had to choose probably hazelnut Krave 11.). DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?  - I do 12.) . DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? - Nope. 13.) . WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? - Something like cherry or cookie dough 14.) . WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?  - Probably their hair 15.) . RED OR PINK? - Red 16.) . WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?  - The fact I know I will answer this with 'everything' 17.) . WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?  - fnpig 18.) . WHAT IS THE SPARK FEATURE THAT HAS HELPED YOU THE MOST?  - I have no idea 19.) . WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?  - I'm not 20.) . WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? - Apple Pie 21.) . WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? - Nothing 22.) . IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?  - Orange 23.) . FAVORITE SMELLS? - Petrol and 2 Stroke smoke 24.) . WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? - My mum 25.) . MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY OR BEACH HOUSE? - Probably the beach but on some days the hideaway 26.) . FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? - MotoGP and NHL 27.) . HAIR COLOR? - Light brown? 28.) . EYE COLOR? - Hazel I think? 29.) . DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? - Nope 30.) . FAVORITE FOOD?  - Taco Bell, Chicken Burritos, Spaghetti 31.) . SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? - Depends on the film 32.) . LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? - Space Jam 33.) . WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? - Red 34.) . SUMMER OR WINTER? - Late Summer 35.) . HUGS OR KISSES? - Both 36.) . FAVORITE DESSERT? - Profiteroles, Cherry pie 37.)  . STRENGTH TRAINING OR CARDIO? - Strength I guess? 38.) . COMPUTER OR TELEVISION? - Computer 39.) . WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? - I'm not 40) . WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? - I use a laptop 41) . ANY TATTOOS?  - Not yet 42.) . FAVORITE SOUND? - My bike at high revs 43.) . ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? - If I had to chose probably Beatles 44.) . WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME IN 2013? - In 2013? Probably Sheffield?  45.) . DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? - If I do I can't tell you because I can't see good things in myself 46.) . WHERE WERE YOU BORN? - Shrewsbury 47.) . WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW? - Sheffield 48.) . WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HOUSE?  - Like grey brick? Its Victorian I think 49.) - . WHAT COLOR IS YOUR CAR? - I don't have a car but my bike is a Red and White 1993 Marlboro Yamaha replica 50) . ANY PETS?  - Walter the cat, Jesse the dog (yes it was intentional) and Espeon the spawn of satan (sorry I mean cat) I tag bar0phobia, @2ddoc

[motherofedm]

This week has been amazing I don't want it to end, I'm so lucky to have fnpig she's amazing, literally had the best time just being with her really

[motherofedm]

Massive shoutout to fnpig for being an absolutely amazing girlfriend =') and getting me the best Christmas present I can't believe I've got someone as special as you ^_^  I love youuu <3 

[motherofedm]

Re-reading the stuff I had in this tag has really shown to me how my life has changed so much in the past 3 months I've gone from high to low...and now I'm back at my high ^_^ Thank you so much to everyone who stuck by me c:

[motherofedm]

Sorry for the absence and just kind of leaving on a pretty negative note... I've had a pretty damn shit week in all honesty, quite possibly the worst I've ever had, with the situation I was in and factoring that in with the already quite terrible state of my mental health taking a big knock at the same time, I've kind of been a pretty fucked up mess the last 7 days really and not wanted post anything... I'm starting to try and move forward though now, trying to leave this week behind me and such My confidence and self esteem are at a near all time low right now though, so it might take a little while to get back to my normal posting, but to sound like a beg really. I'd really appreciate it if you could send something nice to my askbox to help me out, anything really I'd really appreciate it =) To those who've stuck around during this thank you btw

[motherofedm]

You're so fucking shit Josh... You just can't deal with life you're a piece of shit and you're never going to get anywhere

[motherofedm]

That dream I had last night was fucking horrible =/ and it just had to happen for real the next day didn't it?  I should just learn to keep my mouth shut and stop being such a handful all the time =(