I got no right to miss you, all I did was kiss and fly
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Pairing: Moustead
Words:1550
Warnings: some anxiety, but nothing too intense I don't think.
title: Elvis song - Maisie Peters
Read also on AO3
Read part two here
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Watching as he passed by dark clouds Mouse sighed leaning his head back into the headrest of the uncomfortable plane seat. His eyes softly closed as he tried his best not to think of his actions from just a few hours ago, but that appeared to be in vain as the Image of his best friend floated before him. Mouse forced himself to focus on the view out of the plane window once again, his eyes snapping back open before he could allow himself to revel in the image his mind presented him with.
He didn't have a right to miss Jay, not anymore. Not after everything that he has done. That didn't stop him from feeling a deep ache at the thought of possibly never seeing jay again. Heading to a war zone doesn't leave for the most predictable future, and neither did being a cop in Chicago, Mouse knew this, but he also knew he needed to go back and serve his country. It wasn't something he knew how to explain, especially to jay. He knew the trauma that came from their last tours, he couldn't understand why Mouse was willingly going back, but the trauma of working with intelligence wasn't exactly easy to deal with either.
Mouse absentmindedly tapped his fingers against his thigh as he struggled to keep himself still, wishing he could go back in time. Not that he was entirely sure what decisions he would make if given another chance, but he knew he had messed up. He knew he had no right to miss Jay any longer and that in itself was hell. However, he couldn't bring himself to force his eyes to stay open, not when Jay's image was the one he was greeted with when his eyes fell closed once more. It's not like it mattered much anyway, the memories flashed across the black space in front of him whether he had his eyes closed or not. Knowing that this flight was potentially the last hours of relative safety he would have for who knows how long, Mouse finally allowed himself to appreciate the image in his mind. A small smile creeps its way onto his face as he takes in the freckles scattered over Jay's skin, the way his pupils are blown and his lips parted slightly. It was a look mouse had only ever witnessed from afar until last night, just hours before he boarded his plane. It had always been others who had left anything close to that look on his face, and it hadn't been often mouse had seen it as Jay was never a huge fan of public displays of affection. It was only when they had come back from Afghanistan and were both going out and drinking too much as a way to cope that he'd ever caught a glimpse of jay like that. When he had been kissing random girls at the bar in an attempt to block out all the horrors they had witnessed. But last night took Mouse's breath away. Kissing Jay hadn't been his plan when he knocked on his door last night, to be fair he didn't exactly have a plan. He knew it was selfish, they had already had their goodbye at Molly's with the rest of the team, but Mouse had wanted more. He had always wanted more of Jay, and so he found himself knocking on the familiar door, a pit in his stomach as Jay pulled open the door, his hair unkempt in a way mouse hadn't seen in a long time.
"Mouse..." Jay's voice saying his name sounded like he was speaking a prayer, "what are you doing here? I thought you'd already be at the airport."
"I was on my way" mouse spoke softly, he couldn't bring himself to talk any louder. The silence was surrounding them as they stood in Jay's doorway.
"Did you need a lift to the airport?" jay questioned even though mouse had been adamant in saying no to the offer every time jay had made it. He couldn't deal with the emotional airport goodbye, he could barely deal with the goodbye as it was but doing it in the airport seemed like it would add an extra layer of pain Mouse knew he wouldn't be able to handle.
"No, no I just... " he paused unsure what to actually say. There was so much he has wanted to say over the years, ever since they first met in training all those years ago, but now was definitely not the time to say any of that and he knew it. "I just, I wanted to see you one more time before I go."
"Mouse... " Jay's voice broke as he allowed himself to fully take in the scene in front of him. Mouse in his fatigue wasn't a sight he had witnessed in a long time. It was one he didn't want to have to witness again, but now that he has he knows he will be counting the days until he gets to witness it again as Mouse walks off the plane instead of as he's walking off towards it.
"I know, I know you don't get why I'm going back, but I need to do this" mouse couldn't bring himself to look up at Jay's face, knowing it'd be that much harder to walk away if he saw the pained expression that he figured was present alongside the pained tone of voice.
"Look you know I wish you weren't going, but I know that there is nothing I could do to talk you out of it at this point, so please, just come back home safe okay?" Mouse could hear the lump in Jay's throat, the tightness in his words and he couldn't help but glance up to meet his best friend's eyes. He felt his own throat close up at the sight of unshed tears lingering at the waterline of Jay's eyes.
"I'll do my best" mouse promised him "as long as you keep coming home from your shifts safe too"
"I'll do my best" jay copied Mouse's words, a tiny smile on his face.
A silence settled between the pair, neither knowing what to say, neither of them wanting this moment to end, knowing it will mean potentially years of separation.
Mouse felt himself step towards jay, closing the gap between them, any words he could think to say completely catching in his throat. He couldn't bring himself to say goodbye, everything that was crossing his mind seemed too final. That wasn't something he wanted to put out there, he never wanted this interaction to be anything final. He never wanted a final moment with jay, he wanted eternity. One more step and mouse lets himself admire the freckles on Jay's skin, and his eyes which were looking at him intently, if not curiously. Mouse was never one to initiate any sort of physical intimacy but he couldn't seem to stop the pull guiding his hand to Jay's jaw, his fingers curling around to the back of his neck. Mouse finds himself leaning in, and before either one of them really manages to process what is actually happening their lips meet. It was quick, only a couple of seconds, not long enough for jay to respond. Mouse pulls away as he feels the tightness pull around his heart. As he is stumbling over his own feet as he steps backwards mouse notices the way Jay's pupils are dilated and the way his lips parted slightly.
Mouse continues to step backwards till his back hits the hallway wall opposite Jay's doorway, flinching when he does so not realising it was so close. Jay continues to stare at Mouse, seemingly unable to process anything about what just happened.
The words "God, I'm so sorry, Jay.. so sorry" tumbled out of Mouse as he turned and hurried away from Jay and of the warmth that came with him, "I'm so sorry." Mouse's chest felt heavy as he forced himself along the hallway outsides Jay's apartment. He had to get out, he had to find air that was breathable, and he had to get away from the mistake that was going to cost him his best friend.
Pushing open the front door of the apartment building mouse stumbled out into the street, the cold air wiping out any of the residual heat he felt in the parts of him that had touched Jay moments ago. He glanced down around the Street, taking a moment to look at the joined hands of the couple walking by him before his eyes landed on the taxi that had driven him here. He kept his eyes focused on the taxi as he hurried towards it, unable to look back at the wreck he knew he had left behind. Mouse clumsily climbed into the back seat of the taxi pulling the door closed behind him and reaching for his seat belt absentmindedly
"O'Hare now kid?" The gruff taxi driver questioned glancing back at Mouse through the rearview mirror.
"Yeah" Mouse forced out, still not able to calm the tidal wave of emotions coursing through him but he forced himself not to turn back, one last look towards Jay's apartment was only going cause more pain.
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Part two - Now I just miss you, all you did was kiss and fly
Title from Elvis song by Maisie Peters
This is the first thing I have written in years, I hope you like it, I've already written half of this from Jay's point of view because I just really wanted to. I would love to hear your opinions or any feedback you would want to share. Might post this to AO3 at some point but for now, it's just going to exist here.