its actually strange how much can happen in one day. i went to my mental health skills group this morning and it was awesome as always i learned a lot and then i had a job interview that went super well so fingers crossed but now im headed to see if my dad lives at this address i got that might be his. and im like hm. a big part of me is hoping its just another dead end and i can go back to thinking that hes AWOL and ill hear about it when he finally dies because thats how africans are.. if they dont know him in life they surely will in death. but what if hes there? what if he is there? im almost afraid to think about it. havent seen the man since i was like 9 maybe and the last time we spoke on the phone i was 14 and i think it was court mandated. it went about as well as one would think. so what do i say if hes there? hi im your millionth kid with a woman you dont love and maybe never did? remember me? i dont know. my train comes in 5 minutes and i still dont know what i want out of this encounter. do i want him to be there? or do i want another disappointment because thats easier and more familiar to handle? either way ill know within the next hour what the reality of the situation is… no use wondering. but i cant help but turn it over and over in my head
