Food Omens
Fandom: Good Omens
Pairing: Famine (Mr. Sable) / Gluttony (OC)
When Gluttony had invented the phrase “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach” it had been nothing but shameless self-promotion. Who was to know that it would come true for him of all people?
It had been sometime in the 15th century when he first met the thin man in the black suit. The gentleman had been muttering something about the horrible food nowadays and Gluttony couldn’t help but chip in and complain about the food as well.
Although their concepts of what good food was couldn’t be further apart, they connected through their passion for food.
It hadn’t taken long before Gluttony confessed his secret dream to his new friend: To open a restaurant. It had felt stupid to admit this out loud. Surely this refined man would think he was an idiot for having such unachievable dreams.
But his friend’s answer had been quite different than he mockery Gluttony had braced himself for.
“Why not do it?” The man in the black suit had grabbed Gluttony’s hand. Soft, pudgy fingers were squeezed by bony ones. “Follow your dream. You have all the time in the world. Well, until the inevitable apocalypse, of course, but I reckon, we still have a few centuries left until then.”
While Gluttony had worked on his plans to open a chain restaurant, the other man too had become interested in the idea. They exchanged ideas, talked about their plans over a nice cup of tea and praised the other for their genius.
At this point, Gluttony was irredeemably smitten with the man who called himself Mr. Sable.
For Valentine’s Day they gave each other cards which said “I loaf you a lot” and “You are my soymate”.
And then, as quick as one could make instant noodles, it ended.
Gluttony had just been on his way to tell his love about the wonderful new idea he had had for his restaurant – a menu where kids would get toys as an extra, so they would need to come more often, if they wanted the whole collection - when he had seen the sign for the newly opened restaurant – owned by the one and only Mr. Sable.
It hurt that Mr. Sable had finished his project before Gluttony had even had a chance to finish the menu of his dream restaurant – to top it off, he had done so without telling Gluttony.
But be that as it may, Gluttony was happy for Mr. Sable. He really was. He needed to show his support for his lover. And what better way to celebrate the opening than to eat at the new place owned by his love.
As he went inside, dread grew inside him. There was a distinct lack of any food- smells. It made his stomach churn. Where were the people groaning that they were full while forcing themselves to eat just one more fry?
For all the planning they had done together, they had never discussed menu choices. Now Gluttony knew why. What Mr. Sable sold here was nowhere close to food. With growing horror he read the menu which offered nothing that held any calories, nothing that was even edible. Gluttony took but one bite of the abomination that Sable called high-end-food and immediately broke things off.
It broke his heart to leave his love, but what he had done was unforgivable. He had taken the name of food and raked it through the mud. He had deceived Gluttony for centuries about his love for food.
A few days later, Gluttony opened his own restaurant. It wasn’t completely fleshed out yet; maybe he would add a café section to it later on, but pettiness was a wonderful motivator to speed things along. He opened his restaurant right across the street from Sable’s establishment. Originally it had been meant to be a romantic gesture, but now it was the epitome of passive-aggressiveness as Gluttony hoped the smell of the fried goods would carry over to Sable’s.
Whereas the noble-restaurant left hungry people even more hungry, his fast food chain left people not exactly hungry, but craving more of the fried goodness. It had taken Gluttony a while to develop chips this way and now they were his proudest achievement.
The casual observer might have noticed, that for every new noble-restaurant, two new fast-food chains opened. Some might attribute this to the fact that the food for fast-food restaurants was easier and faster to make. When in reality the sole reason was that the owner of all of those establishments was still incredibly salty years after a bad break-up.
After decades of bitter rivalry and yearning, the two restaurant owners talked things over and in 1983 they decided to try to work together for once. This resulted in the opening of the only noble-restaurant in existence to this day which actually served good (and more importantly edible) food.
This was a compromise that neither party was truly happy with. A typical lose-lose situation, as most compromises are.
However, there were two people – if you could call an angel and a devil ‘people’ – who rather liked this establishment and who quickly became regulars at the Ritz.
