A/N: I have now come back to my forte of Fanfiction writing. But for this story, it would be a whole different experience for me. This would be the turning point for me as a writer, so I hope you will love this story as much as I do.
His smile was brighter than the morning light seeping through the window of the bedroom. We were covered in sheets, with nothing but the warmth of our bodies against each other. At this moment, looking through this man’s eyes, those eyes that always looked through my very soul and the worries that troubled me, made me love him more that it ached. My love for this man grows so much that it could no longer be contained. And he loved me the same. I can feel it everytime he kisses me with such urgency and tenderness. Everytime it lingers through my very core... From the very first day that our lips and bodies touched, to this day that we have finally become one, Jung Hoseok was my everything. And I was his.
“Despite everything…. My love for you could never change, Y/N.” He whispers gently as he caresses my cheek. “You are my life… I’d be lost without you”.
You suddenly jerk from your bed, for the nth time, you have dreamt of that man again and woke up with so much adrenaline in your system. That man, whom you have never seen in your entire life, a complete stranger, has taunted you again. You have been dreaming about him for the past few months now. There was no certain explanation why you are having them and how. It doesn’t even make sense… Sure, it could just be any random dream you formulated in your head, out of depression after your break-up with your ex, that’s when it started. But after dreaming about him again and again… and now for the 10th time, with such distinct definition of every line and every curve of his face… from the sharp bridge of his nose, his plump lips, his edged jawline, and his deep soft set of eyes, and that smile... His smile that could turn any dark moment, bright. God... how could someone be that beautiful? It's as if you’ve been seeing his face for your entire life.
And now, you’ve heard his voice for the first time.
“My love for you could never change, Y/N.” “You are my life.” It keeps on running in your head as you go downstairs to prepare breakfast. The way he said said with so much emotion makes your heart ache. And the way he looked at you… It almost made you love him the way you did in the dream.
You suddenly see a bag of groceries on the dining room table and realized that your mother have come home again without bothering to wake you up and let you know of her presence. Besides, you only get to see your mother three days a month at most. It used to be more often, she used to come and visit you every week and come home every 3 days. But when she got her promotion in the company in the city, her visiting days became shorter. You remembered the the time when she didn’t come home for the entire month, and it was during the time that you broke up with your ex, Namjoon. You didn’t know how to handle the situation by yourself and ended up calling your best friend to stay over instead. You didn’t even bother to tell it to your mother during your video calls, since she already had too much to think about. Plus, you doubt if she even remembers you had a boyfriend since you only mentioned it to her once, and you never got the chance to introduce her to Namjoon.
Your mood is suddenly changed when you get a glimpse of your picture together on your bathroom mirror. Namjoon has his arms around you, hugging you from behind with the brightest smile you have ever seen yourself with. You remember putting it there after spending the day with him on your first Anniversary. He took you to the beach, since he knew how much you loved the ocean. It was your father who always brought you to the beach, when you were still little. You remembered how he taught you how to build sandcastles, but always reminded you to never take home shells since they needed to be where they should be… That was until you turned 7 years, that you started collecting shells when your father left.
“Y/N look! I found another baby crab.” Namjoon says with his eyes shining, as he was holding a tiny crab crawling in his hands, with so much excitement of showing it to you. He looked like a schoolboy, enthusiastic on the first day of class. He’s never been fond of the ocean, not until he met you. That’s what you loved most about him, he learned to like the things that you do. He was willing to change for you…
Maybe that was why it ended in the first place.
You take the picture and threw it in the garbage can outside, on your way to the university.
As you make your way in the school halls, there was no better way to start the day by seeing Namjoon with his current girlfriend, Ji Hee, having a heated argument in front of your classroom. It wasn’t only you who noticed them, every person who passes by would give them a judging look.
“What are you looking at?” Namjoon bursts out on a guy who passes them by. When he turns his head, you accidently lock gaze. You remember looking at those eyes, the only thing that made you feel so loved and secured… Those days were far gone, you realized as you noticed his girlfriend’s glare at you.
“Well, if it isn’t the cheater and the snake.” The sound of your best friend's voice, Eun Ha, echoed through the halls. “And my best friend who deserves so much more than these two shits in front of her.” She says as she puts an arm around you. You immediately nudge her, but it was too late.
“Ya!--” Ji Hee says as she was about to lunge at Eun Ha, but was immediately held back my Namjoon’s arms. You have forgotten how strong he was and realized when Ji Hee almost slammed at the lockers. He didn’t remove his gaze at you.
“Oops! We’re late for class. Enjoy your pathetic fight lovebirds.” Eun Ha says jokingly as she drags you inside the room.
“Eun Ha--” You said as you were about to scold her for an impulsive behavior once again. But she cuts you off, like what she always does.
“Ssshh, professor is here.” She says as you settle down in the seats behind. “Besides, I know you love me for it.” You can’t help but smile.
“You know I do.” You reply.
“How do you do it?” You look at her curiously. “Go to school and run into your ex, who you’ve been with for the past 3 years, and still go on with your daily routine like you’re not hurting?”
“Well… I don’t have much of a choice, do I? Come on, Eun Ha, you know me…” You sigh. “You know I don’t like moping around on something that is out of my control. I’d rather just… focus on the more important things.”
You immediately saw the change of reaction on your best friend’s face. The same reaction she had when you told her the reason of your break-up with Namjoon; you know that she has so much to say, but chooses to only give you what you need to hear.
“ I know how strong you are, and I look up to you for that--” She caresses your arm, you know what she’s about to say would hit you in the right spot once again. “You can’t be strong all the time. It won’t do you good… It’s okay to let go of yourself once in a while.”
You know that she was right, she always is. And you’ve been wanting to let the pain rule you out for as long as you started to resist it… But you just can’t. You couldn’t let yourself fall because you know that you wouldn’t be able to get back up. You’re scared that you would rather stay with pain, and enjoy its company, since you’ve been so familiar with it for most of your life.
The bell rings, signaling the end of your last subject. You didn’t notice the time and forgot that you only had 2 classes for today, with your mind wandered around. Eun Ha asks you to eat out for lunch, but you reminded her of your early shift at the coffee shop every Wednesdays. You immediately go on, without noticing that someone was tailing behind you…
“Y/N!” Your co-worker, Taehyung, calls out to you with a charming smile on his face, how he always greets you on Wednesdays, like you’re his favorite person in the world.
“Stop it, Tae. We see each other every day.” You said to him jokingly as you joined him behind the counter and put on your apron.
“Ah.. But it's a Wednesday isn’t it? I have you earlier today.” He said with a bigger smile on his face.
“Where’s Chim-Chim?” You asked as you looked around and didn’t find Jimin, your other co-worker, around. “Still on his break?”
“For 2 hours now. I just received a text that he won’t be coming back.” He replied with a shake of his head.
“Ohhh… Date with Yeon Na?”
“As always.” He looks back at you while putting whipped cream in one of the orders. “How about you? Is it a good or a bad day? Wait… I can already tell. It’s bad isn’t it?”
“Ughh… not really. Although, I couldn’t distinguish the difference between a good and a bad day anymore.” You said sarcastically.
“I bet it's a good one now, you’re with your most handsome co-worker.” He says jokingly, but you could already see his ear reddening. Just like everytime he drops a cheesy line on you, quite adorable.
“Wait until Jimin hears that.”
He laughs and becomes silent. Although you can feel his stare at you, everytime he wants to ask something but is shy to. “Come on, Tae. Spit it out.” You suddenly say.
“You want to ask me something, I can feel it.”
“Ughh… I just wanted to ask if… Namjoon has been bugging you again. Maybe the reason behind that gloomy face.”
“Well.. He’s been quite of a headache recently. With the random calls. But he hasn’t bugged me today, fortunately.”
“Then what’s bothering you?”
You sigh. You couldn’t really keep things from Taehyung, he reads people too well. And you don’t have any reason to. He’s been nothing but a good friend to you since the day you met him. “Umm… It’s nothing really but ughh..” You pause as you try to formulate the right words in your head, you don’t want to sound too hang-up on your ex. “It’s just, whenever I see him… I still remember everything.” Taehyung suddenly looks at you, his charming smile gone and his eyes suddenly filled with worry.
“Pathetic, right?” You say with a sarcastic smile. “Even I find it ridiculous.”
“It’s not, Y/N.” He suddenly says. The seriousness in his tone made you turn to look at him. “It’s only been months since it happened, and you’ve been together for 3 years. I would be surprised if you have moved on easily.” This brought a smile on your face.
“Thanks, Tae. You always know what to do to make me feel less of a wreck.”
“You’re a wreck?” He smiles again. “A wreck wouldn’t be as beautiful as you.”
No matter how cheesy he gets, you couldn’t deny, that most of the times it works on you. Considering that Taehyung is also a very good looking guy, his sweetness isn’t bothersome and distracting either. You even look for it sometimes, it's as if Tae wouldn’t be Tae without his cheesy side. As of now, you only see him as your good friend, but you are also not against the idea of dating him someday if the time comes. When you’re ready again… You wonder when will that be?
The day goes by smoothly, with customers coming and going. As late afternoon approaches, there were no signs of any more coming. Which is why both of you decided to have your afternoon break, like what you always do. You refer to this as the “dead hour”. It was Jimin who came up with this tradition, since he was the one who always needed break times to contact his clingy girlfriend. But for today, it’s just the two of you.
“That’s it? That’s what happened?” He says, expecting to hear more from story but was left hanging.
“Yeah. Weird isn’t it? This is the most… cliche? dream that I’ve had of him so far.”
“And you tell me I’m the cheesy one.” He replies with a chuckle while he sips his soda.
“We’re different, Tae.” You roll your eyes. “It’s not as if I could control my dreams.”
“You know what, you’re story with this guy in your head sounds like a romantic novel in the 90’s. Are you sure you haven’t read an erotic romance novel--”
“Tae!” You burst out and almost spilled your drink at him, making him laugh. “You’re such a--”
“I’m kidding, I’m kidding.” He says while still chuckling. “It’s so fun to tease you with those kind of things.”
“If you weren’t my friend, I would’ve found you as a maniac in disguise of an angel-like college boy.” You said to him jokingly.
“You know me better than that.” He smiles. “But anyway, what does this guy really look like? Except for his mesmerizing smile, which you always mention in your stories.”
You suddenly smile at the thought of remembering this anonymous man’s face. “I don’t even know where to start.” You clear your throat. “Ummm… he has--”
Taehyung’s phone suddenly rings, and he immediately picks it up. “Oh!” He said as he sees the caller ID. “It’s my brother. Excuse me, Y/N.” He then stands up and distances himself to take the call.
“Taehyungie--” You hear it from a far. Taehyung suddenly realizes that the call is on speaker and he immediately switches it.
Taehyung has talked about his brother countless times. You learned that he’s been living with him ever since his parents worked overseas. Although you’ve never seen his brother since he is also not around that much, trying to learn their family business according to Taehyung’s stories. But that voice… It sounds too familiar to you.
At 9pm, your shift ends. Both of you close the shop and prepare to head home. Taehyung usually takes a cab to his apartment, but you would rather walk since your house is only a few blocks away. He always accompanies you home ever since you broke up with Namjoon. He never lets you walk alone, being the gentleman he is. But tonight, things went a little different.
“Namjoon?” You said as you saw him waiting beside the coffee shop, leaning on the brick wall with his hands in his pockets, still dressed in uniform.
Taehyung turned to look at him and immediately became pissed. The sight of him makes his blood boil. “What is this asshole doing here?” He sternly says, while giving Namjoon a threatening look.
Namjoon turns to face the both of you. “It’s none of your business, pretty boy.” Taehyung scoffs, you can see how much he is trying to stop himself from lashing out. “It’s between the two of us.” Namjoon’s expression suddenly softens as he looks at you.
“What are you really doing here?” You ask him sternly.
“I need to…. “ He sighs, trying to get the words out of his system. You can see it in his eyes that he badly needs this. “I need to talk to you.”
“Whatever you need to say to her, you say it to my face.” Taehyung interrupts again. “ I am not leaving her with you.”
Namjoon breathes heavily and closes his eyes. When they open again, you can see anger seeping through. “Do you really want to start a fight??” He says angrily as he starts to walk forward to Taehyung.
Taehyung does not back away and does the same. “Come on! I can take you on any day--”
“Stop it, you two!!” You suddenly burst out that made the both of them stop, still not removing the glare on each other. “Fine, let’s have a talk.” You say to Namjoon that made him calm down. “Tae, I really appreciate your concern--”
“Y/N..” He says worriedly. “I can’t leave you alone with this guy, he might hurt you--”
Namjoon was about to say something again, but you cut him off. “I’ll be fine, okay? I can handle this. I’ll tell you once I get home.”
Taehyung finally gives up and sighs. “Fine.” He looks at Namjoon again. “If you even attempt to do something bad to her, you’ll answer to me.” And with that, he walks away.
You watch him walk away, and face Namjoon again. This is the first time that you’ve been this close to him again. You’ve never spoken with each other after the break-up, which makes this situation all the more tormenting. “What is it you want?” You ask him sternly as you started walking, with him following you.
“I just wanted to…. Talk to you.”
“About what? There’s nothing to talk about--”
“There’s a lot, actually.” He sighs as he scratches the back of his head. “We never really got to talk things out. To clarify the things that happened--”
“And you decided to have that talk now?” You said to him sarcastically.
He suddenly pauses, thinking of a better way to approach you. “Y/N… It might not look like I regret the things that happened, but I really do. Up to this moment, I hate myself for hurting you.” As much as you didn’t want to listen to the things that he’s saying, you couldn’t help it. You’ve been wanting to hear this from him for so long. “I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for doing the things that I did. For hurting you that much.”
Namjoon isn’t the type of guy who accepts defeat. When you were still together, you were always the one who understood him. You took blame for everything, even the ones that weren’t your fault but his. No matter what others said, you didn’t realize how stupid you were for being so generous and kind, until you have broken up. But the worst part is, even if you knew how wrong your relationship with him was… you still miss it. He was the only one who made you feel so important and so loved. To hell with everything! To hell with whatever is happening with the world. As long as you had him, you were fine. Until he wasn’t..
“If I could only turn back time, I would--”
“You would what?” You stop to look at him. “You would choose me instead?” You said sarcastically.
“It has always been you, Y/N--”
“That’s bullshit.” You start walking at a faster pace, so eager to reach your house so that you could get yourself out of this. “If you are telling the truth, then why are you still with Ji Hee?”
“I broke up with her--” You pause at this sudden statement of his. “It’s over between the two of us. It has been for a long time, but she kept on chasing after me.”
You turn to face him. “So what do you expect me to do?” You say with a shrug of your shoulder. “Come running back to you? After everything you did to me?” Tears are about to fall, but you refuse to let him see you cry.
He walks closer to you, with that expression that makes you miss him more. Namjoon may be an asshole in so many ways, but he has always told you what he truly felt.. And you believed him. “I am not proud of the kind of man I was… But I can be better than that, Y/N. Give me another chance to prove myself to you.”
You want to. Every ounce of your body is aching to give him this chance again. You still love him.. After all the hurt he’s caused you, your love for him never disappeared. You’re good with that, loving the people who causes you pain. No matter how much you try to hate them, you just can’t. It’s easier to accept the pain, than lose the people you love. Even if they don’t love you back.. That’s the secret that you wouldn’t want anyone to know, not even your best friend. You’d rather be a martyr than be alone.
You didn’t realize that both of you have been staring at each other for a while, until he suddenly grabbed your face and kissed you. It’s been months since you’ve kissed, but it feels so familiar that it almost made you forget everything that has happened… Forget the things that he’s done and how he damaged you. You remembered how much you loved him, and how he made you so happy.. How he made you forget how empty your life was, because he was there to fill that emptiness. You remembered how much you mattered to each other, how you had it all planned. It almost made you feel whole again. Almost.
He was taken aback when you pushed him, with tears streaming on your face.
“Stop it, Namjoon. I couldn’t take this anymore.” You say in between your sobs.
“You lost that chance!” You cry harder. You can tell that it also pains him to see you like this, but you don’t care anymore. “I loved you for 3 years. I trusted you with everything. You know how deeply miserable I am with my life. You were that one person that I thought would understand me and be there by my side. Always.” You pause. “I did everything you wanted. I gave you everything that I have. I loved you more than I loved myself. What did I do wrong??”
He couldn’t reply, he knew that everything that you said was true. There was no other way to defend himself, and he knew that. You can see the tears pooling in his eyes. You’ve never seen him cry, until tonight.
“3 fucking years, Namjoon. 3 fucking years!” You push him and slap his face. He doesn’t fight back and lets you hurt him. You pause after venting out on him and try to calm yourself. “You threw it all away when you chose Ji Hee.” You start to walk away.
“I still love you, Y/N!” You pause. You have always wanted to hear that from him ever since you broke up. But it’s too late. “That has never changed.”
You turn to face him again, for the last time. “You cheated on me. That will never change too.” You walk away and head inside your house.
This might be the point that Eun Ha is telling you about, to let yourself go.. To let the pain take over you. Tonight will be the time that you will allow yourself to crumble, just for once. Your phone suddenly starts vibrating, and you see your mother calling you. You throw your phone away and just let the tears that you’ve been holding back for so long, fall. This moment was your greatest fear, of becoming alone. But you knew that you always been alone all your life. Your father left you, the first guy that you loved more than anything in the world. But it was as if you lost both parents ever since your mother chose her career over her own daughter. The boy who taught you how to love again and poured your heart out to, betrayed you by having an affair with someone you used to call a friend. Everytime you trust someone, they only end up abandoning you. In no time, you’ll be left alone in this life, with no one else to turn to.
You suddenly pull the gun you purchased a few weeks ago, under your pillow. You bought it in case of an intruder but as of this moment, you feel like it has a different purpose. When you cocked it and pointed it on your head, ready to pull the trigger, you suddenly see him again..
It was night time, I was walking in town, among the crowd in the busy streets. My eyes and face were swollen from crying, but I was not crying anymore. I had a dead look in my face.. But I didn’t have a care in the world of what was happening around me. I kept walking, with no certain destination. I just walked and walked and walked. I didn’t know that the green light has already turned on and a huge truck was going my direction when it suddenly honked its horn and I was hit. I was already on the ground when I realized that it wasn’t the truck that knocked me over, but a man. He saved me.
You snap back to your senses and suddenly put the gun down. You couldn’t believe what just happened. How could you have a dream when you’re fully awake? It’s more of a premonition now.
You grab your jacket again and head out. You don’t care if it’s dangerously late, but you have to be sure about this. You went to the crowded place you saw in the dream and you stop at the crossing. You look around, searching for his face. But among these crowded people, there was no sign of him. You are starting to lose hope and find yourself ridiculous for this impulsive decision of going here in the middle of the night, until the stop light suddenly turns green and the huge truck passes by.
He was there. On the other side of the street. You couldn’t be mistaken, even from afar you knew it was him. He was looking directly at you. There was a worried look in his eyes, but joy and longing easily transcended when he smiled. That smile that always melted your heart. Only now, you could see the sadness in it too... The green light for crossing flickers, and he immediately walks towards you. He moved with such urgency that he was almost running, pushing past against the people along his way just to get to you. Among this crowded space, you were sure that he was directed towards you. And you couldn’t move.
He suddenly grabs your face and kisses you. Unlike Namjoon’s kiss which was more gentle, this kiss is different. You could feel how he is feeling right now in the way that he kissed you; with so much passion, longing, and love. You didn’t realize that you were kissing him back, your lips naturally moved with his.
He suddenly pulls away but still held your face against his, you could see the tears on his cheeks. He gives you that familiar smile and says..
“You’re here. I found you again.”
