this time, im cooking and exercising. finding joy in the sunshine and wind and rain on my face. trying to remind myself that i am manifesting this progress and this pace to reach my destination, and i can’t attribute it to anyone else (this piece of wisdom was gleaned from a lovely, rambly conversation with another girl at my fav dive bar! i love drunk girl conversations-- they are the most wholesome, especially when they are unexpected). i am making more food that taste like my ma’s instead of microwaving shitty frozen vegetables (no hate tho) because it’s been a while since i’ve been back, but it’ll be ok. i’ll be back.
maybe this is all because im so tired from last year. if i dont take care of myself, who will? but i wonder if i am being too kind to myself. but im doing what i wrote down i would do in my assignment book, my uworld percentages havent been bad, i am juggling multiple things at once. but i still feel like i am obligated to feel inadequate, that i will always never ever be good enough and everyone is lying to me that i am ok but secretly they think the opposite! again, also, forever-- the constant refrain of ‘another’s success is not your failure.’
i play skin by dijon and lover boy by phum viphurit and my heart hurts. not as much as it did before, but it feels pretty shitty to be dropped so quickly after being vulnerable for the first time in a while. but i dont regret it. i just wonder sometimes if i’ll find someone good for me.