#msttale3k

[darkshreaders]

i think i should revive this old au to make it fresh and new now with the new mst3k staring at me while i sleep

[mysterysciencetheatertale3000]

here you go sirs some turkey day im going to watch this wall

[darkshreaders]

SPACE MUTINY MST3k

[mysterysciencetheatertale3000]

MSTtale3k Mitchell(a unfinished ep for it maybe a part 1 depends on it and plus it just transcripted even if unfinished)

Frisk: Hi everybody, welcome to the Satellite of  friendship, I'm frisk friskinson... oh, look, here comes Papyrus Servo, sans T. Skelebot. Sans: Hello. Papyrus: Evening. frisk: Hey, come on up here you guys, I wanna show you this toothpick sculpture I've been working on for the last three years. papyrus: You've been working three years on THAT? frisk: Well, yeah, nights, 'n weekends... sans: ..not very good... papy: Shh! sans: I mean, uh, what is it? frisk: It's a scale reproduction model of Monticello rendered in toothpick!  I got the idea off the nickel, see? papyrus: It's beautiful... where'd you get all the toothpicks? Frisk: What, are you kidding?  We're on a spaceship, this place is crawling with toothpicks. sans: Uh, well, it really is cool, frisk... of course, you realize we'll have to break it. papyrus: It's nothing personal, you understand, it's just a thing...we...have...to do. frisk: Okay. sans and papyrus: Huhhh? frisk: Sure, go ahead, that's why I made it, smash away. sans: Awwww.... papyrus: No, no, no, frisk, you're ruining it for me! [papyrus leaves] sans: Yeah, I feel dirty. [sasns leaves] MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in five seconds. Frisk: Sure seems like a waste, it being all toothpicky and fragile and all. MAGIC VOICE/asgore: Commercial sign now. [commercial sign button flashes] Frisk: I'm just gonna leave it here, unattended, to dry... ah, we'll be right back. [papyrus and sans scream as they ENTER and attack sculpture.] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=68RQHfcxxZM (commercial) frisk: So how was it for you? papyrus: Well, as far as breakin' stuff goes, it was good, but not great. sans: Yeah, not as good as that ceramic bell collection. frisk: Oh, Mellevitz and associates are calling. [frisk presses mad scientist call button] chara: Okay, and this? alphys: Oh, let me see... oh, heh heh heh! That's my old manga! Heh hmm hmm!  Just file it under alphys's manga collection, okay? chara: Right. alphys: Oh, hi, frisk... look, we're way too busy to even do an invention this week.  [whispered] We're being audited. [normal voice] You go right ahead, though. [frisk swings zebra-striped stool into view.] sans: it's a daktari stool! [sans and papyrus giggle] frisk: What do you think, sirs? alphys: Daktari Stool?... whatever.  Anyway, frisk, it's a madhouse down here.  Uh, we're being audited by the fraternal order of mad science, you know, one of those 'Are You Really Mad Enough' sort of things... chara: Alphys?? alphys: What? chara: Three Jarevic-Sevens. (????) alphys: Put 'em in the junk drawer!  Jeez, didn't the temp agency test you on any of this stuff?? chara: Well, I'm a little off my game!  I'm not normally required to wear a [CLANK] leg iron like this!  Say, what is the deal with this guy and those cute robots? alphys: Listen, mister four-dollars-and-twenty-five-cents-an-hour!  You stick with the boxes, and I'll handle the experiment, is that all right with you?? DR. G: Alphys, can I see you a minute? Alphys: Sure thing, Doctor G!  [low voice] Say, Steve, this temp stuff is working out great, don't you think? DR. G: We'll I'm sure glad your friend is working out so nicely, Alphys.  [loud voice] Now what about sending frisk the movie, ya boob! Alphys: O-Oh, the movie, the movie, the movie... [checks pockets] DR. G: Oh, for the love of ... [alphys and DR. Gaster search through box, tossing stuff out] DR. G: Oh, Alphys, look, remember?  The double-butt graft. My science project from Evil Oh's(?).  I grafted the butt of a dog onto the butt of a temmie.  Sure, they all laughed... Alphys: Doctor G, the movie! DR. G: Oh, right, uhhhh... [Chara hands him the movie]...here it is.  Mitchell, starring Joe Don Baker. Chara: You guys watch Joe Don Baker movies? Alphys: Oh, look, just get back to work, Temp-Boy! DR. G: Well, here it comes Frisk... MITCHELL!  It's a super secret spy, has a motorcycle, marooned in space, meets Hercules...or not...uhhhh...watch it and weep, Frisk Prole Mole!  Send him the movie, Frank.  [Alphys waves Chara away frantically]  ...the movie?? [Alphys sends Frisk the movie] Frisk: I like the way you used...[garbled] Frisk, PAPYRUS, AND sans: Movie sign, oh, we've got movie sign! [Frisk tosses the Daktari Stool in the air] 6-5-4-3-2-1 [Frisk, PAPYRUS and sans enter theater] [screen says AN ESSEX ENTERPRISES LTD production] sans: Hey, look, a sex film! [title scrolls across screen, Terminator style] papyrus: Mittens? There's an action film called Mittens? sans: Joe Don Baker _is_ Mittens!  He's a cop! papyrus: Mithril?  Oh, wait, it's Mitchell! sans: Oh, the Martha Mitchell story! papyrus: Joe Don Baker _is_ Martha Mitchell! [screen fades into blurry picture of Mitchell] sans: it's bigfoot! papyrus: Who's the puffy guy who's the big leery sex machine? sans and frisk: Mitchell! Papyrus: That Mitchell is one faaaaat... Sans: shut yo' mouth! papyrus: Just talkin' bout Mitchell! sans: Looks like Grendel! frisk: Hey, Linda Evans, that was her Pre-Yanni days. papyrus: Before her face was pulled taut. frisk: Looks kinda like a slow-motion sneeze...? sans: [looking at credits] Yeah, here's your loser actor bouquet! papyrus: Any movie with wocka-chi-wocka in it is okay by me. [sans and frisk say "wocka-chicka-wocka" like a 70's guitar in the background] papyurs: [singing] It was the third of September!  A day I'll always remember! sans: Never corner a Mitchell!  See how he reacts? frisk: Looks like he's doing a Nixon, or... papyrus: Looks like a middle aged Chucky. sans: Looks like the Wrathful Buddha. papyrus: Looks like the Moon in _A Trip to the Moon._ frisk: [as Mitchell] Man, I can't get my arms down. sans: Now he looks like a smallmouth bass! papyrus: Heh...now he looks like he's in a wind tunnel! frisk: Ummm...maybe he's doing Tai Chi or something. sans: Mitchell's on a corner! [screen goes black] SCENE 1 frisk, papyrus and sans: Mitchell! [pan over a house] papyrus: Eeeeegaaaah! sans: Stim-low. [???] frisk: [cupping hands to mouth] Watch out for snakes! papyrus: [smug advertisement voice] We've hidden Mitchell somewhere in this picture. sans: [50's game show host voice] Mitchell, will you stand up, please. frisk: [singing] The lunatic is on the grass... [someone climbs over a fence] papyrus: Johnny Nash breaks into a suburban home. sans: Mitchell. frisk: Hey, it's one of the kinds from Fame! papyrus: Which one? frisk: Any of 'em. sans: Johnny Mathis! papyrus: [singing in Johnny Mathis voice] It's not fooor me to saaaay... SCENE 2 [huge 70's car going down busy street] frisk: The Green Hornet.       BRUNETTE WOMAN: This little thing, she can't be more than sixteen.  Every time she give me a manicure, she tells me she's having a different affair.  And she tells me everything.  I mean, all the real hot and juicy details.  I can't even keep my fingers still. sans: Must be a faculty meeting. DEANY: Shut up.  I'm thinking. SCENE 3 [JOHNNY MATHIS breaks into house through a window.] frisk: Uh, it's open! sans: Looks like he's breaking out of his house. frisk: Al Noga? papyrus: Still Johnny Mathis. [JOHNNY MATHIS closes door behind him.] sans: Oh, yeah, close it and lock it.  You don't want anyone coming in. SCENE 4: [same car, going down busy street toward house.] sans: Dr. Detroit. frisk: With songs by Devo! Cutting Crew! and Haircut 100! SCENE 5: [JOHNNY MATHIS puts expensive-looking spoons in his bag.] papyrus: [singing in Johnny Mathis voice] I saaay to myself it's wonderful... frisk: A picture of Moe Connely? papyrus: No, not the limited edition Star Trek collector plates! [JOHNNY MATHIS shines flashlight over guns high above his head in display case] frisk: Heeeey...Lucas McCane lives here! SCENE 6: [car pulls into driveway.] sans: They're on a collision course to wackiness! Hu-Hyuh! [guests get out of car] papyrus: All right, last call, drink 'em up... Hic! sans: Let's not talk. SCENE 7: [JOHNNY MATHIS shines flashlight over television.] frisk: Hey!  Oh, a Goldstar. SCENE 8: [DEANY leads guests into house.] papyrus: Fluon, please (???) sans: Should I tell her? DEANY: Ladies, you know where everything is!  I want you to exercise the botpapyrusless limits of your imagination.  Surprise me!  The way you always do.  Come on, Don, let's get some juice. frisk: Heh... I might be able to kiss her tonight, you know.       BLONDE WOMAN: What the hell does he think I am, an acrobat? sans: And, she's an acrobat, Ted! [DEANY and DON stop suddenly.  DEANY sees a flashlight in the next room.] papyrus: Santa?? frisk: Wait a minute, I think maybe the Snoop Sisters are in there! sans: Ah, I'm gonna get a series before Stuart Margelin. [scene reveals Johnny Mathis character] papyrus: Johnny Mathis!  All right, get my gun! frisk: Oh, you know, it's not often you see Johnny Mathis in the wild. papyrus: Let's see, some clean underwear... sans: See, a Gunderoo! [JOHN takes gun out of top drawer] frisk: Pssst!  Don't shoot me, the burglar! [the two women peek out] sans: [woman voice] So, are we gonna play Bridge?       DEANY: [whispered] We got another fish to hunt!       DON: [whispered] I'm gonna call the police.       DEANY: [whispered] No, wait!       DON: [whispering something]       DEANY: Shhhh! [DEANY pushes a button on the wall] frisk: Uh, hello, this is Carlton, your doorman? [wooden door shuts on JOHNNY MATHIS] sans: Cedar lattice, works every time. papyrus: [singing in Johnny Mathis voice] Chances are...huh? [JOHNNY MATHIS looks up] [JOHNNY MATHIS walks toward doorway with flashlight] frisk: If that's John Saxon, I'm dead. [cut to the two women] papyrus: [women voice] So, are we, like, bait?         [JOHNNY walks up to cedar lattice] sans: We're closed! [JOHNNY runs back] papyrus: Maaaybe I should get back to work.       DEANY: HEY! frisk: WHAT? [JOHNNY MATHIS turns, DEANY fires, JOHNNY falls] frisk: OH! [DEANY smiles through lattice] SCENE 9: [police car speeds down same busy street] papyrus: Meanwhile, on an Adam-12 episode, not far away... [cut to interior of police car, police radio is emitting unintelligible, tinny audio, MITCHELL is sleeping in the back seat, two policemen are in front] frisk: Our hero, ladies and gentleman, right here. [applauds] sans: He he huh huh! [policeman talks into radio, starts siren, wakes Mitchell] sans: Uhhh...just five more minutes... SCENE 10: [car pulls into driveway] papyrus: Mitchell, honey, we're home, put your shoes on.       POLICEMAN 1: Well, private enterprise beat us to it, huh? frisk: Hello, public sector!       PRIVATE POLICEMAN 1: Hey, whaddya say, Jimmy?       POLICEMAN 2: Hey, papyrus.       POLICEMAN 1: Where's the body?       PRIVATE POLICEMAN 1: In the den. papyrus: (fruity voice) We posed him.       PRIVATE POLICEMAN 1: You gonna need us around here?       POLICEMAN 1: Nah, that's okay, thanks.       PRIVATE POLICEMAN 1: We'll take off then.  He's all yours.       POLICEMAN 1: Sure. sans: Aahhh, rent-a-cops, private enterprise...why don't you go back to the mall?!       POLICEMAN 1: Hey, you coming, Mitchell?       MITCHELL: Yeah... papyrus: Got any moist towlettes, rags, toilet papers? frisk: C'mon, Mr. "Two Years from Eye Shy," c'mon. DEANY: I'm Walter Deany, officer, just come this way.  Looks like one of those wetbacks... frisk, papyrus and sans: HEY! DEANY: (obscured)...wall, pulled a gun from my gun-rack, fortunately I got to another gun sooner. frisk: Huh, smart.       DEANY: He grabbed that Colt.  I had no choice, I had to shoot him. sans: Well, you're rich and white, I don't see a problem with it.       [they stand over body] POLICEMAN 2:  Pretty clean job. frisk: Come on, it's fun! papyrus: [Mitchell voice] You got a sofa I can stretch out on for a little while? sans: [Mitchell voice] Oh.  There's the body. frisk: Hey, here, watch what happens when I step on his abdomen.  [makes squishing noise] [Mitchell whips out small plastic bag] papyrus: I think he's gonna need a bigger body bag than that... [Mitchell puts gun in bag]       MITCHELL: All those guns loaded?       DEANY: Some of 'em.  Not always sure which. sans: They're randomly loaded.  It's a little game I play. papyrus: All your guests loaded?       [guests leave]       MITCHELL: Your guests are leaving.       DEANY: Party's over. papyrus: [singing] Time to call it a daaaay...       MITCHELL [something] leave?       DEANY: I did.       MITCHELL: There's a police investigation going on here. frisk: Oh, there is?  I thought there was just a big slob walking around my house.       [Mitchell leaves quickly with gun in bag] sans: Where's the john?  I'm gonna flush this. DEANY: One of those guests has to be at his desk at eight in the morning.  He's an important person.  The secretary will give you their names and addresses. papyrus: And disavow any knowledge of their actions.       [Mitchell pushes button to close gate before guests can leave] frisk: Man, he's good.       [Mitchell runs out toward guest's car] papyrus: Mitchell!  Pardon me!  Mitchell!       [Mitchell bangs on car's window] sans: Hey, can I have a scotch?       BRUNETTE WOMAN: What's your name?       MITCHELL: Mitchell. papyrus: Hi!       MITCHELL: What's yours? Scene 11: [cut to Deany, talking to someone on red phone]       DEANY: Well find him, wherever he is!  And raise Alex, will ya? frisk: Look, he's talking to Commissioner Gordon.       DEANY: And get a hold of Mastretta.  Tell him to talk to Gelano.       Scene 12:       [Detectives are taping up dead body and taking pictures] papyrus: Okay, sleeve length 34,  36 inch outseam, and a 32 inch inseam!       [policeman comes into view] sans: Orson Bean!  He's a cop!       [shot of Deany] papyrus: I told Mastretta to talk to Gelano...I think.       [Mitchell loads and unloads gun]       Scene 13:       [inside POLICE CHIEF's office in police station]       POLICE CHIEF: Mitchell? frisk: What?? POLICE CHIEF: People don't like you.  In fact, I don't care for you myself.  Why is that? sans: Perhaps our brief, but bitter affair.       POLICE CHIEF: You refuse to sign this report.  Why? frisk: Duh, I'm still on the first question. POLICE CHIEF: What kind of policeman are you, anyway?  What are you gonna do, file a separate report?       MITCHELL: I don't know.       POLICE CHIEF: What _do_ you know? papyrus: I don't know. MITCHELL: None of Deany's other guns were loaded.  Now, the collection's way up high on the wall.  The burglar, he only looks to be about 5-4 is all. POLICE CHIEF: So, what does that prove? MITCHELL: If Deany's lying, he's not gonna get away with it. [police chief gets up] sans: Come over there! POLICE CHIEF: You're gonna get me mad, Mitchell, and when that happens, I wouldn't want to be in your shoes!  Now, get out! MITCHELL: Right. frisk: Mitchell's a sensible cop! POLICE CHIEF: Bead Aldrich.  Lieutenant assigned him for you.  And remember, don't you dare go near Deany.  You forget about him. [MITCHELL leaves office, camera pans over to booking desk, policeman have a short white man with dark glasses in custody] papyrus: They arrested Harlan Ellison! frisk: Good.       [MITCHELL enters another office]       LIEUTENANT: Come in, Mitchell!  Take a seat. sans: Mom said no, huh?  So you come to me, the nice cop. frisk: Wait, he sounds and smells like William Conrad! LIEUTENANT: Chief Town has ordered the surveillance of a man called James Arthur Cummings. MITCHELL: James Arthur Cummings. LIEUTENANT: Yeah, ya heard of him? MITCHELL: No. LIEUTENANT: It's a 24 hour surveillance, and I want you to stay with him, until A., you bug him enough that he cracks, or B., he comes up with some kind of statement or incriminates himself concerning a crime in Mexico. sans: Or C., you get drunk and pass out again!       MITCHELL: Okay, who do I get?       LIEUTENANT: You get nobody.       MITCHELL: Huh?       LIEUTENANT: No-body.       MITCHELL: What do I do for sleeping, how about eating?       LIEUTENANT: Nothing's gonna happen in the middle of the night.       MITCHELL: Awwww... papyrus: I wanna eat!       LIEUTENANT: You got a 6 hour shut-eye from midnight 'til 6 AM. frisk: But eating!       LIEUTENANT: Now Mitchell - those are Palin's orders.  [picks up phone]       You wanna call him?  See Tigseye. (???)  He'll take you to Cummings' place.       Scene 14:       Stakeout Scene       [TIGSEYE is dropping off MITCHELL at the stakeout.] TIGSEYE: Import-export of stolen merchandise.  That is Cummings' big scene.  This week it's a big heroin hijack comes out of Mexico.  Kilo.  Full kilo, that's two million bucks.  It may be Palin's idea of a joke, but leaning on Cummings is no joke, my friend.  No-one leans on Cummings, 'cause he stamps on people.  And he's got a big shoe. MITCHELL: Let me ask you something. papyrus: Who are you?       TIGSEYE: Yeah. MITCHELL: If Palin gave you this job of leaning on Cummings, would you say he was giving you a good assignment? [TIGSEYE's got his thumb in his mouth] frisk: Oh, don't suck, honey.       TIGSEYE: I'd say that he was quietly shipping you out of the way.       MITCHELL: I'll get 'em both.  Deany and Cummings.       TIGSEYE: No way.  You don't get neither.       MITCHELL: That's what Palin thinks, right?       TIGSEYE: Right.       MITCHELL: Wrong.       [MITCHELL begins to exit the car] sans: Excuse me, I don't feel good at all! [gag] frisk: Hey man, thanks for driving me to my car, nice to have it pre-parked at the stakeout, see ya! papyrus: [clears throat] [sings] don't be discouraged... the man [garbled]       [MITCHELL reaches in pocket for keys] sans: Whoah, don't do that! Uhhuh! Whew!       Scene 15: Cummings' place       [MITCHELL drives his car to Cummings' place and gets out of car] papyrus: Mitchell!       [MERLIN the butler gets out of Cummings' car, he wears a funny cap] frisk: Andy Capp? papyrus: [British voice] Boy, Flo's gonna be really mad, I'm drunk again...       [MITCHELL runs up toward driveway] sans: Gasp...gasp...wheeze...       [MERLIN lets Cummings out of car]       [MITCHELL runs after him]       MITCHELL: Mr. Cummings! frisk: Stop or my heart'll explode!       MITCHELL: Cummings!  Ah, Mitchell, police department?       CUMMINGS: [garbled] not due till January, son.       MITCHELL: Ah, Mr. Cummings.       CUMMINGS: Make an appointment, son!  Have your chief give me a ring.       MITCHELL: Mr. Cummings?       MERLIN: [pointing at Mitchell] No salesman at this entrance. papyrus: But I'm not a salesman!  I'm the chubby blue line! sans: As an actor, Merlin Olsen hadn't found his instrument yet.       [MITCHELL gets back into car] papyrus: Gasp...gasp...wheeze...       [MITCHELL lights up cigarette, flame is huge for a second, Mitchell flinches] sans: Whoa-ho!  The thing with the deal-o...       [MITCHELL reaches for his ashtray, filled with cigarette butts] frisk: Think there's a potato cake in here or something...       [MERLIN frowns, looks out at Mitchell] papyrus: He seems down.  I'll send him a pick-me-up bouquet.       [MITCHELL opens door, dumps ashtray in the street] sans: Somewhere, an Indian is crying...       [MERLIN goes back into house, looking back, angry] frisk: Duh, I'm gonna call Ladybird Johnson.       [MITCHELL's sitting in the driver's seat, eyes closed] sans: [snoring noise]       [CUMMINGS appears at the window] papyrus: Fluffernutter! Uh!       CUMMINGS: All right now, what do you want?       MITCHELL: I've got some questions.       CUMMINGS: No questions. MITCHELL: What do you know about a man named Mastretta, and some heroin hijacked down in Mexico? CUMMINGS: Heroin?! MITCHELL: In Port-a-Baca Mexico [port of the cow?], about a kilo, was in a truck, ambushed, hijacked, you know. CUMMINGS: Look, Mitchell... sans: I'm King Hussein! CUMMINGS: ...This is Los Angeles, California.  I don't know anything about any heroin, or somebody's got his wires crossed. MITCHELL: Oh... frisk: We're not in New York?! MITCHELL: Well, I've been told to watch you, Mr. Cummings, so I guess that's what I'm gonna do. CUMMINGS: Let me give you some advice, son... MITCHELL: Yes, sir. CUMMINGS: Watch out for falling rocks. [CUMMINGS leaves] papyrus: Uh, okay.  Say, you got any burgers or something in there? frisk: Man, I'm constantly confused.       [MITCHELL looks up in jest] papyrus: Watch out for falling rocks, huh?  Stupid.       RADIO: And that was the midnight edition of the news, on KKRO. sans: Hey, sans Radio! frisk: Good night, John Boy. sans: Falling rocks, I just don't get it.       [car pulls out, lights are off] frisk: Lights!  Your lights!!       [shot pans far right to show CUMMINGS watching him drive off, he is frowning] papyrus: I miss him. [sniff] frisk: Well, almost time for Silk Stalkings.       [CUMMINGS picks up the phone] sans: Hi, Larry, I love your show!       CUMMINGS: Cummings.  Get me Mastretta. [NOTE: frisk does a series of garbled telephone responses, these are kind of hard to understand and meant to be that way] frisk: [completely garbled] CUMMINGS: Mastretta, what's this about a load of merchandise I'm supposed to be shipping in? frisk: What do you mean, a load of merchandise?       CUMMINGS: I got cops sitting on me!  They tell me this and I don't know it! frisk: [completely garbled]       CUMMINGS: You what? sans: Wearing what?  Is it sheer?       CUMMINGS: Get over here, and don't argue with me.       [CUMMINGS hangs up]       [a car pulls into the driveway] frisk: Not THAT quickly!       [CUMMINGS gets in, MASTRETTA the driver picks his nose] frisk: Ah, nose candy.       CUMMINGS: Just drive around the block. papyrus: Duh, hi, dad.       Scene 16: Driving around the Block sans: Loved you in _The Taking of Pelham 1-2-3._ frisk: Hey, you want the radio?  King Biscuit Flower Hour's on. MASTRETTA: What's bugging you? CUMMINGS: Listen, you punk, for the future, next time you start something, tell me before you start it, not afterward.  And ship the dope someplace else, I got this cop on my tail. papyrus: It's just that Mitchell guy.       MASTRETTA: It's on the water, Cummings.       CUMMINGS: What's on the water? sans: Smoke.       MASTRETTA: The merchandise.       CUMMINGS: Well, it's not coming through MY facilities.       MASTRETTA: It can't go nowhere else.       CUMMINGS: Why not?       MASTRETTA: Why not?  Because that's the way Mr. Gelano wants it. frisk: Uh huh, uh huh... MASTRETTA: Because maybe it's in San Pedro now, or papyrusorrow.  It's too late, Cummings. papyrus: Hey, look, an Applebee's.  Huh. CUMMINGS: Well, if it comes through San Pedro, I'm not gonna touch it.  Understand?  I will not touch it. sans: Heh heh!  Oh.       MASTRETTA: Cummings, you are not in a position to say such things. frisk: You can't handle the truth!       MASTRETTA: Before you open your big mouth again, you better think of Mr. Gelano. papyrus: Oh, no... this may be the wrong ride.  Are you Steve?       [frisk and bots begin to leave theater]       CUMMINGS: I say it, boy, because I mean it. papyrus: Let's go do that little...expedition we were thinking about. frisk: Okay.       [frisk and bots leave theater]

[mysterysciencetheatertale3000]

so i made the logo for it for now we just need a full completely good one so yeah this is the logo for the blog for now

[mysterysciencetheatertale3000]

we will preserve this to keep safe

[mysterysciencetheatertale3000]

MSTtale3k shorts: Mr. Bungle's Lunch-Room Manners

Note: FN stands for Film Narrator, aka, the narrator of the original Lunchroom Manners film. Also, usually, anything FN says is going on onscreen.

(MSTtale3k shorts card)

Announcer: Good evening, and welcome to MSTtale3k shorts. Today, Papyrus servo joins Frisk, as we are forced to take a look at a film about lunchroom manners, because…there was really nothing else to talk about back then. Sit back and enjoy…mmm, yes.

(Title Card: A Coronet Film)

Pap: Remember when you asked your kid what they did today and they said “nothing”? This is the nothing they’re talking about.

(Title Card: Beginning Responsibility - Lunchroom Manners)

Pap: Because it’s the 1950s, and we haven’t acknowledged that drugs exist yet!

(Title Card: Educational Collaborator – Ross L. Allen, Dr.P.H. Director of Education, Division of Health, Physical Education and Recreation, College of Education at Cortland State University, New York)

Frisk: Millions of tax dollars and five PhD’s to tell you HOW TO EAT LUNCH.

(Scene fades in: Classroom full of children, a puppet theatre at the front)

FN: Just before lunch one day, a puppet show was put on at school. It was called “Mr. Bungle Goes to Lunch”.

Frisk: This was not planned, and the children were terrified.

FN: It was fun to watch.

Frisk and Pap: (monotone) Yaaaay.

FN: In the puppet show, Mr. Bungle came to the boys’ room.

Frisk: Oh, it’s THAT kind of show.

Pap: If they’re gonna point to that puppet’s crotch at any point, I’m outta here.

FN: He looked at his hands. His hands were dirty.

Frisk and Pap: (whispering) Dirty!

FN: And his hair was messy.

Frisk and Pap: (whispering) Messy!

FN: But Mr. Bungle didn’t stop to wash his hands or comb his hair. He went right to lunch.

Frisk: You FOOL, Mr. Bungle! You FOOL!

Pap: Oh God, he’ll kill us all!

FN: Then, instead of getting into line at the lunchroom, Mr. Bungle pushed everyone aside and went right to the front.

Frisk: (as Mr. Bungle pushes the stick-people aside) Merry Christmas. Kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Happy Hanukkah.

FN: Even though this made the children laugh, no one thought that was the fair thing to do.

Pap: (as puppeteer) Stop laughing, goddamnit! I’m a serious puppeteer!

FN: Then, in the lunchroom, Mr. Bungle was so clumsy and impolite that he knocked over everything, and no one wanted to sit next to him.

Frisk: (as Mr. Bungle) This is the worst Last Supper ever!

FN: And when he finally knocked his own tray off the table, that was the end of the puppet show.

Pap: For the puppeteer had died.

FN: The children knew that even though Mr. Bungle was funny to watch, he wouldn’t be much fun to eat with.

(Zoom in a boy clapping overenthusiastically. Frisk and Papyrus stifle laughter.)

FN: Phil knew that Mr. Bungle wouldn’t have many friends. He wouldn’t want to be like Mr. Bungle.

Frisk: Phil was having a spasmodic attack!

FN: Later, Miss Brown said it was time for the children who ate in the cafeteria to go to lunch. She hoped there weren’t any Mr. Bungles in this room.

Frisk: (as Miss Brown) Susie, you have Bungle written all over you! (pauses) …Apparently the kids took a vow of silence!

FN: Phil stopped to return a book to Miss Brown while his friends went on to the lunchroom. He would have to catch up with them later.

Pap: Phil realized that this was an incredibly pointless scene and should have been edited out.

FN: On his way to catch up with his friends, Phil almost walked past the boys’ room, but he stopped and thought. Were his hands clean? No, they were a little dirty.

Frisk: (whispering) And bloody.

FN: Phil remembered that Mr. Bungle didn’t wash his hands. Mr. Bungle’s hair was messy, too. Phil didn’t want to be like Mr. Bungle.

Frisk: Thus a young Larry Craig begins his descent.

FN: Inside the boys’ room, Phil was surprised to see some of his friends washing their hands, too.

Frisk: In the urinal, for some reason.

FN: Phil washed his hands well, with lots of soap.

Frisk: (upon seeing how much soap Phil uses) God, kid!

Pap: Jesus! Howard Hughes didn’t use that much!

FN: Then he rinsed the soap off.

Frisk: (as Phil) Dirty! Dirty! I’m a dirty little boy! Now somebody wash my crotch!

FN: Phil dried his hands well, too. When he was finished, he threw the paper towel in the basket where it belonged, and then he made sure his hair looked neat.

Frisk: What hair?!

Pap: Charlie Brown had more hair than that!

FN: Now, Phil and his friends were ready for lunch.

Pap: His germ-free bubble was waiting for him in the hall!

Frisk: (as the boy holding the door) Yeah, you’re welcome, bungholes!

FN: There was a line of children waiting to get into the lunchroom when Phil got there.

Frisk: (as Phil) Fucking rush hour!

FN: He saw some boys he knew at the front of the line. They waved for him to go up to the front with them.

Pap: (as the boy at the front) Guard’s not looking. Do it! Do it now!

FN: But Phil didn’t want to break into line as Mr. Bungle did.

Frisk: Thou shall not Bungle.

FN: So Phil went to the end. That was the fair thing to do. He would see his other friends inside the lunchroom.

Frisk: (as Phil) If I don’t STARVE first!

FN: The line moved very fast, and soon Phil was inside. First, he picked up his tray.

Frisk: And? AND?! God, the suspense is killing me!

Pap: Will he ever get his lunch?!?

FN: Then, he got his silverware. He put his knife, fork, and spoon neatly on the tray.

Pap: That’s just OCD.

FN: And then he slid his tray along.

Frisk: He began with his left foot, then his right foot, then his left foot, then his right foot.

FN: He always enjoyed looking at the good food in the cafeteria. It tasted good and was good for him, too.

Frisk: He lost his tastebuds in the war.

FN: Instead of having a sandwich today, Phil decided to take the hot lunch.

Pap: Which was cold, because he didn’t cut in line.

FN: Phil took some bread and butter, too. And he knew what else he wanted – milk!

Frisk: (upon seeing the little girl take her milk) Hey now!

Pap: Ooh la la!

FN: But Alice took the last carton on the tray.

Frisk: (as Phil) Milk-scrounging whore!

FN: Maybe there was more milk. So he said, “May I please have some milk?”

Frisk: (as the lunch lady briefly with a German accent) Jawohl. (then drops the accent) Yeah, that’s just what I wanna do is get you some milk, why don’t I throw a pile of mashed potatoes in your face, that’s got dairy in it! Goddamnit!

FN: Phil remembered to say “May I?” and “please?” That was very polite. Yes, there was more milk.

Frisk: Um…rejoice?

FN: Phil remembered to say “Thank you” when he took the carton of milk.

Pap: (as the lunch lady) Like I care! Get outta here.

FN: Phil had good manners. He didn’t want to be like Mr. Bungle in the lunchroom.

Pap: (as the lunch lady) I’m looking at you, Jimmy.

FN: Phil didn’t want to forget his dessert. The cake looked delicious.

Pap: (upon seeing the size of the cake) Damn!

Frisk: Damn, kid, would you like some meal with your cake?!

FN: At the end of the line, the lunchroom supervisor said she had noticed how polite Phil was, and she smiled at him. She wouldn’t smile at a Mr. Bungle.

Frisk: (as the supervisor) I’m not smiling at you, Bungle-breath!

FN: Phil went to the table where his friends were. He put his tray down carefully, pulled out his chair quietly, and sat down. He knew his friends wouldn’t like a noisy Mr. Bungle at their table.

Frisk: The film seems very anti-Bungle.

FN: There was someone Phil liked – Freddie. He always brought his lunch from home. It looked good. Freddie had a sandwich, an apple, a cookie, and milk.

Pap: (on the cookie) And a small, spherical goat turd.

FN: Before Phil began to eat, he always put a napkin on his lap. So did Freddie.

Frisk: (as Freddie) Oh, kill me!

FN: Everyone liked Freddie. He was very polite. For example, if he had food in his mouth when someone talked to him, he always took time to chew the food with his mouth closed and swallow before he answered.

Frisk: (as Freddie) Yeah, the fire extinguisher’s over there.

FN: Phil noticed how straight and tall Freddie usually sat. Freddie kept his feet on the floor, too.

Pap: As opposed to up Phil’s ass.

FN: Phil would rather be like Freddie than like Mr. Bungle.

Frisk: GOT IT!

FN: Another polite person everyone liked was Alice. For example, when she sneezed, she covered her mouth and nose.

Frisk and Pap: (upon seeing Alice sneeze into her napkin and put it right back on her lap) Ewwwww!

FN: This protected her friends at the table from any germs.

Frisk: Now they’re all in her lap!

FN: While Phil and his friends ate, a boy ran past their table. You shouldn’t run in the lunchroom. Only Mr. Bungle would do that.

Pap: CRUCIFY THE BUNGLER!

Frisk: Hang him by his unclean hands!

FN: Phil and his friends wouldn’t like to have a Mr. Bungle at their table. Then lunchtime wouldn’t be as much fun as it is.

Frisk and Pap: (monotone) Wheeee.

FN: Phil ate slowly and enjoyed his lunch. Finally, he had eaten everything except his dessert.

Pap: Which would take him an hour.

FN: He saved his cake for last. Only a Mr. Bungle would eat his dessert before he’d finished the rest of his lunch. And Phil wasn’t a Mr. Bungle.

Frisk: Oh! He put his hands on the cake!

Frisk and Pap: Crucify him! Crucify him!

FN: The cake was good. Phil drank his milk carefully. Some children are messy when they drink milk.

Frisk: Only He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named drinks milk sloppily.

FN: As each of Phil’s friends finished, they didn’t leave the table, but waited for all the others to finish eating too.

Pap: Even though the bell rang ten minutes ago.

FN: Phil was the last one done. He wiped his mouth and hands carefully with his napkin. Then he cleaned the table where he sat. He didn’t want to leave his place at the table dirty.

Frisk: (as Phil) I’m not a Bungle, I’m not a Bungle!

FN: Everyone at the table cleaned his own place well. But look at that table!

Pap: I smell a Bungle.

FN: It was left very messy. (Doug and Rob gasp.) Phil thought a Mr. Bungle must have sat there.

Frisk: Mr. Bungle seems to be the Judas of the puppet world.

FN: But Phil didn’t want to be like Mr. Bungle.

Frisk: (as Phil) I’d rather DIE!

FN: So he put his chair neatly into place, and his table looked fine.

Pap: He licked it clean himself.

FN: Not a piece of paper or a scrap of food was left on it.

Frisk: Mr. Bungle would leave a pink cigarette on the bed before he left.

FN: No Mr. Bungle sat here.

Pap: (as Mr. Bungle) Actually, I’m under the table.

FN: Phil’s friends were careful to put their wastepapers and empty milk cartons where they belonged. In this way, they helped keep the lunchroom clean.

Pap: And it plugged up yet another landfill.

FN: Phil was certain that Mr. Bungle wouldn’t put his paper in the wastebasket, and his empty carton on the milk tray. Mr. Bungle probably wouldn’t bother to put his lunch tray in the right place, either, but Phil and his friends did.

Frisk: Fuck Mr. Bungle! Fuck him in the ass!

FN: Lunch was good today.

Frisk: (as Phil) Bungle, Bungle, Bungle, Bungle, Bungle!

FN: And then Miss Brown told Phil and his friends how proud she was of them. They had left their table the neatest in the lunchroom. No one here was a Mr. Bungle, and no one wanted to be!

Frisk: (as Miss Brown) Except for you, Susie! Goddamnit.

FN: Are you like Mr. Bungle? Mr. Bungle is ashamed, because he spoils lunchtime.

Frisk: (as Mr. Bungle) What did I ever do to you?

FN: Don’t be like Mr. Bungle. Have good lunchtime manners, and lunch will be more fun for everyone!

Pap: (as Mr. Bungle) Seriously! What did I do? Was the burnt cross in my yard really necessary? And why was it made of milk cartons? What is your deal?! I will not slip quietly into the night! COWAAAARDS! COWAAAAAARDS!

[mysterysciencetheatertale3000]

MSTtale3k shorts: Boys Beware!

NOTE: All dialogue (in the film and in Frisk’s riffs) is voiceovered.

We hear an orchestra tuning up as we fade in on a CG red curtain.

Announcer: Good evening, and welcome to “MSTtale3k Shorts!” [which appears in hand-drawn letters] Today, Frisk will be Forced alone to look at a short called “Boys Beware,” an anti-gay film that deals with how the 1950s was… anti-gay. Enjoy. [starts mumbling] Mmm, yes…[music and visuals fade]

Fade in on the production logo: “Sid Davis Productions Presents” as music from the film plays.

Frisk: Poor Sid Davis. He only produced two films: The Seventh Seal and this.

Dissolves to the title: BOYS BEWARE

Frisk: The real dangerous book for boys!

Dissolve to this caption: “Produced with the cooperation of the Inglewood Police Department and the Inglewood Unified School District.”

Frisk: We throw some of the best darn cross-burnings this side of the South. [at this point, the caption moves up slightly. After a few moments, when it starts to move back down, Doug notices this:] Okay, you scrolling down? Y-y… just-just gonna stay there? Okay, that’s fine. [after a few seconds, it moves back up again] Uh-you movin’ up? [stammers as the caption fades] Okay, you had your chance.

Fade up on the exterior of a suburban police station. A man in a suit exits the front door and passes a young man who’s on his way inside.

Frisk: [as the man] Danny, I thought I shot you. [as the youngster] Nope, I survived! [as the man] Oh, okay then.

The man continues on his way out of the station, down the steps, and into his car parked on the street.

Frisk: This man may seem like an everyday man when, really in fact, he is. [pauses] Sorry, we’ll try to being something juicier to you next week. [the man gets into his car and drives off, but we can’t hear the door being shut or the car running because of the music being played - this happens throughout the film] Talk about ‘silent running;’ I couldn’t even hear the door slam.

We dissolve to a close-up shot of the man driving on the road, side view. He speaks as a v/o.

Williams: I’m Lieutenant Williams…

Frisk: Hi, Lt. Williams.

Williams: …a police officer attached to the Juvenile Division. I’m on my way to Monroe Junior High School to talk to a group of young people.

Frisk: That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it!

As Williams drives along, we notice some young kids at a bench at the nearest traffic light, hitchhiking.

Williams: That looks innocent enough, doesn’t it? Lots of young people hitchhike. Seems like a good way to get from one place to another?

Frisk: It does?

We dissolve to another kid hitchhiking in a different location. He’s your “typical” kid from that era: white T-shirt, pegged-up jeans, well-groomed hair…

Williams: But sometimes, there are dangers involved that never meet the eye.

Frisk: Dangers that lie in The Twilight Zone.

Williams: Let’s take the case of Jimmy Barnes.

Frisk: No!

Williams: Jimmy played baseball all afternoon, and he didn’t feel like walking home; so he decided to thumb a ride. [a driver eventually notices Jimmy at the intersection, slows down, and allows Jimmy to enter his car]

Frisk: But that’s not the only thing he’s going to thumb. [laughs] If you got that, then you’re gay. [Jimmy gets inside, and the two drive off]Ah, yes, this is before the invention of parenting.

Williams: He’d done it a hundred times before, and he didn’t think anything was unusual when the driver struck up a friendly conversation.[Doug snickers as we dissolve to a ride-along shot of Jimmy talking with the driver. The driver is wearing dark clothes, a dark hat and sunglasses] In fact, he seemed like a real nice guy. He asked Jimmy if he played baseball in the park often. Jimmy told him they practiced three times a week and played a rival group on Friday afternoon. [this plays under what Doug says next] The stranger was a good listener, too…

Frisk: He then asked if he liked gladiator movies.

Williams: …and had only seen minutes before they pulled up in front of Jimmy’s house. [that’s what happens on-screen]

Frisk: Where Jimmy’s two fathers were waiting.

Williams: When Jimmy got out, the stranger gave him a friendly pat. [on his shoulder]

Frisk: I won’t say where, though. [chuckles] Again, if you got that, you’re gay.

Williams: Then he told him he’d see him again, as he always drove by the park on his way home.

Frisk: [as the driver] I love watching your ass when you walk! Is that beautiful or what?!

The driver moves off as Jimmy enters his home. Dissolve to the next day where we see Jimmy walking alone in a park, tossing his baseball glove in the air and catching it.

Frisk: Jimmy spent many an afternoon confusingly throwing a glove around, wishing he had friends.

Williams: Sure enough, [the driver waves at Jimmy, who waves back and gets inside the car again] the following day, when Jimmy finished playing ball, well, the man was there waiting.

Frisk: [as Jimmy while imitating Tobey Maguire from "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"] Hot damn! I've never been in a convertible before![as the driver imitating Raoul Duke from the same movie] Really? Well, I guess you’re ready then, aren't you? [the driver slides over from the passenger seat to the driver seat for Jimmy, and the two leave] Let it be known that gay men have a horrible tendency of remainingfabulous.

We dissolve to a drive-in restaurant as the two are just leaving.

Williams: They stopped at a drive-in, and the stranger treated him to a Coke. During their conversation, he told several off-color jokes.[Doug snickers] But Jimmy had heard others before; and, well, it made him feel big to so easily win the confidence of an older person.

Cut to a nearby park as we see swans wading in a small lake. We then pan over to see Jimmy and his friend fishing on the side of the lake.

Frisk: [as the driver] You hear the one about the black Jewish female Pollock who wasn't a human being? [as Jimmy] It’s the 1950s! That’severy joke I hear! [after a few seconds…] Yes, little do you know that gays and pedophiles are the exact same thing.

Cut to shots of them fishing and eating a picnic lunch.

Williams: The following Saturday, they went fishing together. By now, they were using first names. Ralph said it was more friendly.

Frisk: [as Jimmy] Thanks a lot, Mr. Gaylord! [as Ralph] Please, call me Flaming. [the man gives Jimmy a sandwich] Ya like popsicles?[close-up of Jimmy eating the sandwich]

Williams: Jimmy hadn't enjoyed himself so much in a long time.

Frisk: [chuckling] Little did he know that the best was yet to come.

Ralph then reaches into his jacket pocket to pull out something.

Williams: Then, during lunch, Ralph showed him some pornographic pictures.

Frisk: Whoa!

Williams: Jimmy knew he shouldn't be interested; but, well, he was curious. [Doug snickers again] What Jimmy didn't know was that Ralph was sick. A sickness that was not visible like smallpox…

Frisk: Or dark skin.

Jimmy looks unsure what to think or say about what he’s just seen.

Williams: …but no less dangerous and contagious: a sickness of the mind. You see, Ralph was a homosexual…

Frisk: [screaming] AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

We dissolve to the two walking away from the park.

Williams: …a person who demands an intimate relationship with members of their own sex.

Frisk: [as Ralph] We can’t stop here! This is bat country.

Williams: But by now, Jimmy felt a fondness for Ralph; and they continued to go places together. [dissolve to them on a miniature golf course] Ralph was generous and took Jimmy many interesting places and did many nice things for him.

Frisk: He took him to the most horrible hangouts, like the manicurist and Mamma Mia!

Dissolve to them presumably walking to Ralph’s apartment.

Williams: He bought presents and even gave him money, but payments were expected in return.

Frisk: Oh, boy.

Williams: You see, Jimmy hadn’t recognized Ralph’s approach soon enough. When Ralph first asked Jimmy to go fishing alone, he should have discussed it with his parents or teacher.

Frisk: Ralph now uses his telepathic gay powers to keep Jimmy from leaving.

We dissolve to the police station from before, where we see Jimmy and his parents walking out.

Williams: Finally, Jimmy told his parents; and they reported it to the Juvenile authorities. Ralph was arrested, and Jimmy was released on probation in the custody of his parents.

Frisk: [as Jimmy’s dad, who consoles his son] Don’t worry. We’ll wash the gay out of you.

We dissolve to a basketball court, as we see kids playing some b-ball while a man in a suit watches from a nearby park bench.

Williams: But all homosexuals are not passive. [Doug chuckles] Some resort to violence, as in the case of Mike Merritt.

Frisk: Mike Merritt: the very name invites douchebaggery.

Williams: In the heat of competition, no one noticed the man who sat and watched.

Frisk: I think that’s the coach.

Williams: And when the game broke up and the others left, Mike decided to stay and practice a little longer.

Frisk: Wait, is Mike the kid or the predator? Be more specific, movie; I can’t judge BOTH of them unfairly!

Eventually, the stranger catches the b-ball from one of Mike’s missed shots and shoots along with him.

Williams: The stranger joined him. He was friendly; and, well, it was better than playing alone.

Frisk: He just got done eating kittens and rubbing himself in chicken blood.

Williams: Then after a few shots, Mike realized he had already overstayed his time and suggested he better leave. [we notice here the stranger’s also wearing a bow-tie; okay…] The stranger told him if he’d like to stay longer, he’d be glad to drive him home when they finished. Sounded great to Mike! A chance to play longer and get a ride home, too!

Frisk: Of course, he had no idea that Chris Hansen’s Dateline Special was just a phone call away. [as Mr. Wiseau while we have a close-up of the stranger] I play in my tux because I went to the Tommy Wiseau School of Sports! [laughs like him, too; after a few seconds, he says this as Mike] Didn’t Sonic Says tell me something about this?

The stranger notices his watch and motions Mike to come along with him.

Williams: When they finished, the stranger told him he’d make a fine player someday if he got lots of practice.

Frisk: Despite his whiteness.

The two leave the court together in the stranger’s car.

Williams: The companionship, the praise, the friendly attitude dispelled any misgivings Mike might have had about going with a stranger. He probably never realized until too late that he was riding in the shadow of death.

Frisk: Odd name for a car.

Williams: But sometime that evening, Mike Merritt traded his life for a newspaper headline.

We dissolve to a close-up of two kids gathering newspapers together for their paper routes on bicycles.

Frisk: News flash: Gays, pedophiles, and the Devil are all the same!

Williams: As Denny and Jerry got the papers ready for Jerry’s afternoon delivery, they only casually noticed the two boys that raced by in the afternoon traffic. [which they do]

Frisk: [as one of the kids] Huh. Well, that’s casual.

Williams: And they didn’t pay much attention to the car that drew up shortly afterwards, until the man called them over.

Frisk: Why would he call them that? [as the driver] Have either of you ever been in a Turkish prison?

Williams: Had two boys been by on bicycles? The boys nodded they had. Could they recognize them if they saw them again? Well, Denny guessed he could. “Then, hop in!“ the man said. “Those are stolen bikes!” [underneath Frisk‘s next line] Without giving it another thought, Denny got in; and the car sped away.

Frisk: [to the tune of the Batman theme] Nana-nana-nana-nana, nana-nana-nana-nana, DUMBASS!

Williams: Jerry watched. He’d been told many times if a friend got in a car with a stranger to write down the license number. [note that he does this very smoothly without showing much emotion]

Frisk: Or tell him not to get in the car.

Williams: It didn’t seem to apply, but… well, fortunately, he marked it down.

We dissolve to a few minutes later with Jerry on his paper route.

Frisk: Jerry knew something was wrong when Denny called the next day and said he wanted to go floral shopping and watch Gilmore Girls.

Williams: When we delivered a paper to Denny’s house, he asked his mother if they caught the boys that had stolen the bicycles.

Frisk: [as Denny’s mother] The fuck are you talking about?

Williams: Denny hadn’t returned, so he told her the story and gave her the paper with the license number.

Frisk: [as Denny’s mom] Well, why didn’t he hitchhike like usual? That’s the safer method.

Williams: Being a careful parent, [Doug snickers] she decided to call the police. [we dissolve to a couple of policemen on motorcycles stopping someone in a rather convenient location, as Frisk will explain shortly] Jerry supplied the necessary information, and the stranger’s car was quickly spotted. It was a good example of how important it is to always get the license number and description of any stranger who takes a young person off alone, no matter what they tell you.

Frisk: Good thing he happened to be driving into that dead end for no apparent reason. [the driver of the car steps out and is ordered to be searched] Yeah, I can see why they deleted this from Leave It To Beaver.

Dissolve to a public restroom at another outdoor location.

Williams: Public restrooms can often be a hangout for the homosexual.

Frisk: There’s a good start of a story!

Williams: Bobby and his friends hadn’t noticed the man who had been in the restroom when they changed. [that man, dressed in practically all-black, walks behind them]

Frisk: [as the bird who flies over the boys] Beware, boys, beware!

Williams: And as it was late, he suggested they take the shortcut under the pier. But the others preferred to take the more traveled way home.

Frisk: Well, it’s better than waiting for that kid from Myspace.

Bobby eventually leaves to go home. After a few seconds, the stranger turns around and walks a good distance behind him. We dissolve to a close-up of the stranger’s feet as he walks on the beach by the pier. At this point, the music is more sinister; it starts with some timpani.

Frisk: Always keep in mind the homosexual’s feet often have musical accompaniment. [as Bobby] I can hear your musically bulbous footsteps!

Williams: When Bobby recognized the stranger as the man in the restroom, the shortcut under the pier didn’t seem like a good idea at all.[after noticing the stranger, Bobby looks off and shouts and waves as if he sees someone he knows and quickly runs off]

Frisk: [as Bobby] I’m gonna take the shortcut through the venomous snake pit. [the stranger looks on, as we hear Doug in a Dr. Claw impression as the stranger] I’ll get you next time, Bobby! Next time!

We cut to Bobby, who really did see his friends, run up to them. The music changes back to the “bright and shiny” music from the beginning of the film.

Williams: After all, it’s more fun to stay with your friends anyway. Bobby had made a wise decision. It may have saved his life.

Frisk: And, even better, kept him straight.

We dissolve back to the lieutenant driving along.

Williams: The decision is always yours…

Frisk: Hetero or HELL!

Williams: …and your whole future may depend on making the right one. So, no matter where you meet a stranger, [we dissolve to presumably Lt. Williams’ neighborhood as he parks his car] be careful if they are too friendly as they try to win your confidence too quickly and if they become overly personal. One never knows when the homosexual is about.

Frisk: [laughs] Yikes!

Williams: He may appear normal, and it may be too late when you discover he is mentally ill.

Frisk: Wow!

Williams gets out of the car, looks at his watch, and walks away to the front door of his home.

Williams: So keep with your group, and don’t go off alone with strangers unless you have the permission of your parent or teacher.

Frisk: [as Williams] Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to whip myself for thinking about an episode of Bosom Buddies. Remember: prejudice is wrong unless against the right people. [we dissolve to the ending production logo: “The End / A Sid Davis Production”] You should never question authority. Paranoia is your friend, and anything different IS EVIL! Good night! And enjoy fearing this world though you’ll neverunderstand why!

Music and caption fade. Credits roll.

THE END