the other day, i somehow ended up on my old tumblr. i was reading through all my old posts. i was reminded of all i was going through at that time. i sat. and read. and scrolled. and read some more. and then i realized that.. although years have past, i’m still the same. i’m still heavily affected by the darkness and the heartache of certain events. i still grow attached to people that i shouldn’t grow attached to. i still care too much. i still want people in my life that don’t want to be in mine. i’m still easily hurt and i still die inside. tbh, i’m still pretty pathetic.
it’s been years. but this is stupid. people are right. i shouldn’t be so affected by the past. i shouldn’t let people like you affect me in this way. i shouldn’t tear myself down because of things that shouldn’t matter. i should just walk away. i should be better. but. it’s just easier said than done. people say don’t dwell on the past, don’t let it haunt you, just get over it, life moves on. well shit. it’s not like i want to dwell on the past. it just happens. it’s not like i want it to haunt me. why da fuq would i let something haunt me. i obviously don’t want it to bother me, but it does. i can’t help it. i can’t just get over it. if i could just “get over” something.. then i wouldn’t have any problems, would it? and life moves on. my favorite thing to be told (siiiiike). i hate being told this. life moves on. i know that. i know it moves on with or with out you.. or me.. or anyone. it just moves on. idk how that helps tho. that doesn’t change the fact that i care about people when i’m not supposed to. it doesn’t change the fact that i’m hurt and i want them in my life. it doesn’t change the past or my feelings. it doesn’t change anything. idk.
anyway, back to the actual point. idk if this is courage. or maybe i’m just sick of all yall shits. but. i just want to walk away now. i’m done with a lot of things. if you don’t want to be in my life, if you don’t want me to be in yours, then fine. bye. if you don’t want to make the effort to spend time with me, then okay. i won’t be sad about it. i just won’t waste the effort to spend time with you anymore. i’m done being sad about stupid things. i’m done being so affected by things that shouldn’t even affect me. obviously it’s hard to walk away just like that, but. the point is. i’m done. whether it takes a long time or not, i’m going to walk away from you. from this unnecessary pains and stress. i’m done wasting so much of my energy, effort, love, affection and time on people like you and all these stupid things. i have better people in my life i should concentrate on. i have better people to give my life to.
