The thing about cocks
The most important thing.
I forgot.
At 5am, we commence screaming at the non-existent sunrise.
(No, not that kind of cock. Although the notion of a world where people’s crotches scream at the sunrise/passing women is a fun/horrifying side-daydream)
I’m talking cockerels, of which I have a particularly large, weighty badboy called Rasputin, squatting in a cage in my bathroom*
(It’s been raining EVERY DAY for 2 months, everything is mud, and my poor chickens are wading through a literal swamp on a depressing daily basis)
Rasputin got a fungal foot infection. So as you do, you bring 6kg of angry rooster inside the house, mud-wrestle, treat it’s feet with foul-smelling clay concoction, and keep it indoors so that shit don’t wash off in 5mins in the perpetual downpour outside.
Said chicken remained in my bathroom overnight. Somehow my brain failed to flash up the Bleeding Obvious Outcome (TM) bc I’m currently delirious with flu, anaemia, and 12hr days filled with all manner of weird shit (we are currently cruising at an altitude of 2.2 on the Weird Shit(TM) scale here, believe me).
This is not the first bathroom chicken, bathroom cock, or indeed the only bathroom (full of!) chickens at this moment in time (5.5 on the Weird Shit(TM) scale, and another story entirely).
What could possibly go wrong???
(Clue: silkie chickens are cute as fuck, quiet, smoll, and no trouble at all. I became Complacent)
This boy.. not so much.
5am = I MUST SCREAM, SCREAM, AND CONTINUE SCREAMING.
I could not shut him up, take him anywhere else, or myself anywhere else.
On 2hrs sleep (night owl) with a headache and general hatred of mornings, I must shower / dress / brush teeth, and answer emails with a screaming dinosaur either in front of my face, or separated by a mere 5m and thin glass door.
(Chickens are cute, but cocks? Cocks are cute until they scream. THEY LOUD)
Did I mention this was not the only bathroom full of chickens? It isn’t.
To prevent 8 more dwarf chickens literally drowning in Mud, my Mum brought them into the house every day. We have long since run out of cages and indeed rooms to put them all in**. So they go.. in the other bathroom.
Our other bathroom is like FULL OF chickens.
3 of whom are cocks.
Sauron (the noisiest) really hates Rasputin.
So they scream at each-other, constantly, across 2 floors and half the house.
I had a large angry cock (oo err), screaming non-stop all day, cooped up in my bathroom while his foot pedicure stuff does it’s work.
I have a screaming black beast that looks like Drogon, 3 fluffy cotton wool puffs and a phoenix sitting in another room, 3 of whom love to scream back.
This upsets my cats and dog, who then join in. My house is a vile open-plan monstrosity designed by Satan, that perfectly magnifies all noise and makes Working in Quiet impossible.
* Have you ever tried to piss with a furious dinosaur 50cm away from your face? Neither of us are particularly happy about this situation.
** Remember the logic puzzle of the Wolf, goat and cabbage? Well I have a pet wolf, 3 cats and 19 chickens. All beasties must be kept apart, lest one fancies trying to eat the other, and not in the order you think. My stupid Monty Python rabbit (actually a cat) got into the chicken-bathroom by barging past my feet.. And..
..8 chickens simultaneously turned towards him like a pack of velociraptors, with Death in their eyes.
My poor stupid cat backflipped in the air, ran up my leg and shot back through the door like a bullet. Fortunately.
He still begs to come into my room, and pretends not to Hang In Front Of The Door to Certain Death Chicken. I opened it as a joke earlier (the furious cock is safely in a crate). Cat took one look at the chicken, and Noped the fuck away.
He remembers. Caught cruelly between his love of feathers and fear of cocks.
THE FEATHER-THING LIVES IN THERE. NOPE, WAIT.. JUST REMEMBERED HOW BIG AND EVIL THAT FUCKER IS. Even the small ones tried to kill me. Welp. But but.. FEATHERS.
