muddy vision
i. sometimes i see dates on things and i'll say, "february twenty-sixth? oh, that wasn't very long ago at all, wasn't that only a few days ago? what month is it anyway?" and you'll look at me like i'm more lost than i'll ever know, not even laughing because you know i'm serious. "it's mid-april, you know that. don't you?" "oh" i'd say, look down or away or up at the sky because at least it was constant with its even grey, clouds rolling around and threatening rain, always threatening rain. i can't remember the last time they were clear and blue, in the same way i can't remember if march even happened or if that was just a filler blank, meant to be played out later on. ii. at any rate nothing is sticking and that scares me so fucking bad, worse than it does that i've forgotten my own birthday because who needs birthdays when there's nothing memorable about them? i mean do you remember what you did on your eighth, ninth, fourteenth, seventeenth birthday? fucking seventeen. i feel more like seventy iii. have you ever seen a dog get run-over? i haven't. i've seen an old woman get hit by a bus and i didn't even cry because human life isn't all that sad i mean she'd been living a long time you know? it was fine. but if i saw a dog get hit or a deer i think i'd be traumatized for days in the same way that people only get mad if dogs die in zombie apocalypse movies but laugh and cheer when people get torn to shit. (we like to pretend they're those people we hate. or maybe we're all just a little sadistic) fine by me. only if you'll admit it iv. the average person sleeps away years of their life, twenty plus: when i hear this i never want to sleep again. except i wouldn't know what to do with my time. but sleeplessness can provide the same effects that drugs do, so maybe sometime i'll just stop just to laugh at stupid shit and hallucinate and get confused and paranoid because my body doesn't know what to do with itself when it doesn't shut down here and there. i mean i practically already do this anyway v. we can all be sorted into a few categories: those afraid to die those afraid to live & those who don't know what the difference is. vi. last tuesday i got up at whatever ungodly hour i usually do and i was driving to school but i missed the turn and i just kept going. i didn't want to turn around or anything so i just kept going, as far west as i could get before i was practically falling asleep. i think maybe, at some point, my phone went off a lot but i don't think i answered. it seemed odd to even want to. when i woke up the next morning i was pulled off the side of a highway halfway to canada and i didn't mind much because i might as well have been. some guy was knocking on my window because my tires were deep in a ditch and i was either in his way or i looked like i'd been in a wreck or both. he asked me, miss, where are you going? but i just asked where i was to begin with
april 19, 2012, for napowrimo