I have so many things I am supposed to have been blogging about here by life doesn't give me time. I still need to tell the internet about how awesome my meeting with the class full of high schoolers was. I still need to update on the craziness going on with headmates. I have pages of topics. I haven't introduced my headmates yet. Heck, I haven't introduced myself! I guess that's a good place to start?
I am Phi, or that is what I am going to be on the internet to you. Phi or Phio (fye or fye-o). First person makes things simpler, female pronouns are fine. I am a median in a multiple system. Complicated, yes. Actually, the whole multiple system thing is far easier for me to figure out. It is me and them - the separation makes it easy. The median bit is far more complicated.
A median, for those of you who may not know, is anything that falls between a singular entity in a head to a full out plural system - as always, the identification is up to you (singular or plural.) As far as the psychological model is concerned, if you feel you would like a psychological diagnosis (especially if this is causing you distress) medianhood is probably a Dissociative Disorder NOS or Not Otherwise Specified.
If all multiples are different, I would hazard to guess medians are even more varied, so understand that this post is about MY median - the system that makes up me (or something-- the singular and plural get complicated here)
First of all, I tried to write this out several times by making up a new first person pronoun between me and we, but that just got complicated, so for the purposes of this post and only this post, me will be me, Phi, and we, will be the median and a whole. In general, I (we) do not make that distinction completely - hence median.
So first, me. while I am the "main" part of the median, I am not exactly the "original." It's complicated, but in short, me and other part of the median have had a 2-sides of the same coin thing going since… basically always. In the clearest and totally oversimplified sense, it is a logic/emotion divide, with me being the logic side. But that is oversimplified. There is a bit more nuance then that. We, primarily me, best understood it in Kingdom Hearts terminology - I am more of the Nobody side of things - she is the heart. Now, as we are two sides of the same coin, there isn't a total separation and I am not emotionless and she is not logic-less. There was a period, a thankfully short but rather traumatic time in 10th grade when there was a clear break - we have since been - uh- glued back together?
But the 2 parts exist even as a divide in my earliest memories - some fall much more to one side than the other - It wasn't a realization I had completely back then, but there were clear personality switches that I recall experiences - jump from angry or moody to calm or calculating or back - a sudden feeling of extreme emotion from seemingly nowhere. Now, part of this is being bipolar (diagnosed and card carrying! though not defining by) but it was more than that. I was aware of a struggle of wills and even a sense of a dialogue and a sense of a different entity.
As a kid, there was another huge part of the median for us. This third part has an imagination like nobody's business. When this part was in control, we were world shifters- becoming - feeling- whatever the current adventure was. The woods in the back of the house were lands of adventure where we were a forest warrior princess. The play room was a lost island. With this part guiding us, we could sit for hours playing with figures or dolls or even a blanket- pretending each fold a room in a mason. These states were distinct - special.
I guess part of it was growing up. The world broke our heart - imaginary games are not cool for big kids. This part became the creative writer in the median who kind of doubles as the general scholar for other things because she(?) has the best attention span and ability with language. I'm call this the Writer for now. We never really went around assigning names to different parts of the median. The Writer has the same ability to get lost in worlds - spin a universe and become any character to navigate it. Now, this doesn't even always have anything to do with something we ever plan on writing down, but the difference between the Writer and this part from childhood is for the Writer, the narrative and the voice are always in the back of our mind somewhere. It is about the story more than the adventure.
The other part that grew partly from this creative childhood bit is The Child. The Child is immature by definitions of how someone our age should act. The child pouts, sticks out her tongue, and could spend the whole day coloring or stringing colorful beads, spins in circles and hates sitting still. The child is more that just regression, because it never feels like we go to acting like that. Whenever the child is more in control, childlike and childish (both connotations for ya) behaviors just feel /right/ and when we think about why I might be doing this, the thought we get in response is “why don’t I always do this?” Which is not the way we think about it other times.
I’ve done an experiment and tried calling the child up in headspace. It worked, but she was more of a projection. She looks like us was we was younger and she acts about 5. The weirdest thing for me, Phi, is that I don’t feel much of a connection to her. Like when I remember things about when we was 5, I remember how Phi felt, or whatever equivalent part there was. I don’t remember how the child felt. There are times I can recall how the other parts felt (imagination, emotional, etc.), even, but never the child. I don’t know. I guess people don’t learn about their inner child until after it’s no longer their outer self...
Then there is the social self, which is, if any part of the median are, a kind of self defense mechanism. We are not extroverted, so when meeting strangers or in awkward social situations or on the phone with anyone but close friends, the social self is full on in front. Whenever there are in person interactions, at least some of the social self is involved - the more comfortable the situation - often - the more diluted the pure social control will be. The social self, by mannerism, is closest to me, Phi, but much more capable of dealing with others. The social self has a good degree of ability to kind of take over and act independently during heightened anxiety.
That's as far as we've identified as far as the median goes. Memory gaps are rare if not nonexistent. Of course, just as with any singlet, we remember things best in the same configuration we learned it in. There is almost no verbal communication between parts of the median - any sharing happens on the kind of subconscious level. As far as I am aware, I am the only part that gives orders to the others, tries to run things, whatever. The switching happens smoothly for the most part -- there seems to be at most one point something consciousness between all of us if that makes any sense, so if I'm actively thinking about something as Phi, the rest of us are only focusing so much on anything else. So it isn't like we experience the rest of the system, where we are only aware of our consciousness and the others move outside of it. Don't worry if it makes no sense - we're not all figured out on it either.
Only two or three seem to be able to occupy prominent control at once, and if I, Phi am not one of them for a long time, weird dissociations can happen. That's what I think sparked the last big problem. Sometimes, when some other part of the median is in charge, the memories seem different, like a vivid story someone told me as opposed to the way my memories tend to work. (Which, by the way, everyone I have asked tells me is definitely not the way they experience memory)
Different parts of the median also have different appearances and ages, as well as different sense of self (body, gender, etc.) but that rarely becomes too relevant. Quickly, though - Since age 11ish, I have always felt about 2 or 3 years younger than the bodies chronological age. Other side of the coin follows maybe a year behind me. Child, as I said, is about 5. Social self is roughly the correct age, but because of mixing up front, averages a year or so younger. Writer is nonspecifically older - somewhere in early 20's but able to access a mindset of any age to some degree. All are female or some sort of nongendered or genderqueer, but the female pronoun is fine. Actual internal idea of appearance is different to a degree but I won't bother putting all of that down here. The child is very body focused. She is fascinated by how tall and big the body is and textures and tactile things. on the complete opposite end, the Writer would be fine with no body if there didn't need to be something to type with, see with, and think with, etc.
There are outwardly different speech styles and mannerisms as well as inwardly different thoughts depending on the makeup of the median as well. For example, the other side of the coin from me, my "heartless" half - speaks in a much more strained voice - and when she is in the most control (and I can't always push back in control) my voice will come out that way unless I force it not to.
As far as the communication with the rest of the system, it gets interesting. I, Phi, am the form that we all take in headspace - I am how we interact with headmates for the most part. My double can be there to some degree when she is in charge - but if say, the writer and the child take the lead, in head space I am either non-responsive or sleeping or catatonic. The social self doesn't really interact in headspace and all and almost seems contrary to it - which makes sense. The social self was created to interact with-out, not within. As a result, when I'm around lots of people, for the most part I'm either aware of headmates and headspace or on the ball and interacting. We can switch pretty fast, but that is part of the reason social situations are so exhausting.
So there you have it. I'm going to stop using the plural for the median now. I don't even think I was consistent up there. In my mind, all of that is me. When I introduce myself to someone, all that falls under my given name that I tell them (the rest of my system doesn't really). It gets very confusing - not quite having a line between me and not me. As I said, this part is harder for me to understand, but, as far as the general population goes, I think medianhood is more intuitive for non-multiples to grasp because it is closer what they experience. I firmly believe that medianhood is a spectrum and that everyone is on it- and that there may be as few people all the way at the single end as all the way at the multiple end -- not that either is wrong. I'll tag posts with "median" or "Medianhood" which are relevant.
As always, if you have any questions or want to chat, drop something in the ASK. I can do public or private - but as this is not a main blog as tumblr still won't let you respond from side blogs, I'll let you know if it is me in a private response. Hope that was helpful to someone and I will really try to get stuff up more often then I have been.
-Phi and the group.
