The Misadventures of Inquisitor Vanto
Episode 6: Murder With Friends Part 1
After setting corpses on fire and wrangling Halla in the Exhalted Plains, Eli returned to Skyhold for some peace and quiet. In need of a distraction, he decided to check in with his friend Sera, the younger elf always seemed to be up so something fun.
This time, her idea of fun was a nighttime raid on some poncy nobles who hadn’t been acting very noble. Never one to let abuses continue if he could do something about it, Eli was not impressed.
“This is my Unimpressed Face #6, I wear it appropriately 70% of the time and spend the remaining 29.97% of my time wearing Unimpressed Faces 1-5, and 7-10.”
Unfortunately for Eli, and the bulk of the population of Thedas, Thedas is fucked and a bastion for systematic inequality. And this major tool of a guy has been up to no good:
“Hello, I’m a giant smarmy asshole. Just look at my smarmy face.”
“We don’t need to know you to hate you.”
“You think you hate me now? Wait till you listen to my smarmy monologue and then insult you while also offering an alliance with you.”
“Stop listening to him Eli! Just cause he’s read the Pickup Artists Handbook does not make him a good guy! Let’s just kill him and go.”
“Well okay Sera, if that’s what your therapist thinks is the best solution for your interalized self-hate red and trauma, you have my blessing to kill him.”
“I love you Inquistor! But not inna jousting way! Murder time for Red Jenny!”
“Beating the shit out of nobs is better than therapy any day of the week!”
“I wish you’d turn into one of those creepy walking skeletons we already killed so I could kill you again, pissbucket!”
In the distance, Sera and Inquisitor Eli hear some Thedas car alarms going off and realize it’s time to head home. They leave some of Leliana’s sketchy murder agents behind to intimidate the people into silence clean up the mess and head back to the Skyhold Tavern for a victory pint.
“All things considered Sera, that operation went off better than expected! Remind me to tell you about the time my ex-boss sent me to negotiate with an insurgent leader while dressed up in his old clothes and the whole place blew up. But for now, let’s drink and eat cookies and keep the murder of the downlow and I’ll keep supporting your chaotic socialist revolution.”
