“Got you some dinner, do you wanna get out of bed to eat it?” They’ve learnt each other’s routines well, when it starts to claw through their fragile defences. When Murdock starts getting too antsy to leave the house and Hannah starts to bury herself in the bed. When neither of them can take off their gloves.
Sliding onto the bed, he dangles the slightly greasy bag above her head before pulling it into his lap. “Can’t eat it in here, it’ll ruin the bedding. I got it delivered here, didn’t know they’d go out this far and all. Still warm too.”
Please, he thinks, gripping the paper bag tightly, I can’t do this without you. Leaning back, he tried to unearth Hannah in the copious amount of blankets and throws covering the bed. It’s not really ‘their’ bed; they’re not dating but they’re not friends. It’s probably a word he couldn’t enunciate without ten minutes practice. “There’s some new reality tv show, cruise liner staff. Looks pretty trashy, do you want to watch it with me?”
The mornings she gets like this, she can feel it before she even opens her eyes. When something in her mind changes, when there are weights over her eyes, when her blood crystallizes into quicksand and sinks her into the mattress. Her descent is slow because there’s no struggle. With no will to push herself out or crawl to the surface, she lets it happen. She drowns in the self-pity of her own resentment.
That’s how it usually is, at least. But now there’s Murdock.
Murdock who won’t leave her side.
His words sound muffled, like cotton stuffed in her ears. She usually keeps such care of her appearance — meticulously spending hours on split ends, slapping on skincare until she shines, working out until she shakes — but if she’s not at her highest right now then she doesn’t seem to notice or care. Hair falls over her face, dry lips that haven’t felt a sip of water in too long, and her body is as still as a statue. When she looks at the wall, it’s impossible to tell what she’s thinking.
bad men i hurt him it’s bullshit time to go he’ll go away eventually i am not anya.
She wasn’t listening when he talked, but her body moves. Slowly, like it takes everything in her to make the effort, her head moves forward to rest against Murdock’s thigh when he slides onto the bed. Comfort. She wants comfort. She wants it to stop.
She shifts and hides her face. Her mind is exhausting. She’s exhausted. She hopes she can close her eyes and sleep for a very long time.