Music is my escapism. I think it always has been. Whenever I feel like I can’t cope anymore, or there is too much noise in my head, I put on my music. It depends on my mood, but sometimes it will be through my earphones, really loud, and I’ll close my eyes and listen. But often, to really shut myself up, I play it loud, through a speaker, and sing along, and that seems to be the only way that I can completely shut off, and not think about anything, but just what comes next in the music- be it the next line, or the guitar solo.
I was told today that I make too much noise, and perhaps that is why I have had so many problems in my flat(s), as is makes me difficult to live with. And to be honest, it’s probably true. I probably am really annoying to share a flat with. But how can I cope when I don’t have that to soothe me?
It’s so hard living in a city, surrounded by people. Sometimes I just want to be somewhere alone, and shout and sing and scream, really, really loud. And cry, without having to be quiet. Just to let it all out. Preferably somewhere outdoors, with the rain on my face. But I am always, always surrounded by people. Not people that care, but strangers that judge. I went to the park the other day to vent on the phone to my family, and the reactions I got from other people around me (even though it was at night and the park was nearly deserted) made me feel even worse. Why do people not care? Is it not so obvious when someone is on the edge, and vulnerable? That’s what makes me want to be far away from humanity, just for a time. So that there is no one to care, or more importantly, no one to not care. But I know that if I was completely isolated, I’d be crushingly lonely and want someone to talk to.
None of that makes any sense to me, let alone to anyone else. I just thought I’d write it down. I suppose my incentive was that the thought that it may well all be my fault really upset me. But why else would I always seem to turn the people around me away? And if I do upset the people around me with the noise I make, and by being inconsiderate, how can I cope without my music?
I know I said that from now on I was going to be positive in my last post. Maybe sometimes it’s just harder than others.
