4. So Angry I Couldn’t Think
I started this entry cos of something that happened in the first week of Jan but never got the time to complete it in one go. I tried writing it, and rewriting it multiple times since then, but couldn’t satisfyingly call it a proper entry. So I decided to go impromptu, minimal edits and it’s finally here now.
20th Jan 2018
Well it's 20th today but here I am, with the resolve of a D- girl writing her second maths exam in he same week. If you're unsure what that resolve is like then that makes the to of us. Gibberish, gibberish! Why am I writing this again? And what about? So I meant to talk about that one day I got so angry I couldn't think. Fine then, let's try again.
I used to think that I don't get angry easily, which i suppose is true, but not for the reason you'd think, that is *I'm not easily angered*, I think the case is more like this: I care about too few things to get angry frequently enough. I know this because of that fateful, what was it? A Thursday? Yes, that fateful Thursday.
It was a simple affair, really, but it involved three things that do spark my interest--Books, race, and, most importantly, my time. They say you should control your anger, just forget about it, it's no big deal, blah blah, all that sounds good enough. I'll tell you though, it's bulls. Cos, *I* can 'control' anger, but that's just a nicer way of saying, I bottle up my feelings, suppress them, and throw them into that remote room in my mind.
I imagine it's what every one of us 'passive' individuals do. But that ineffective as ineffective could ever be, because essentially you've effectively just delayed the reaction. The bottles start to pile up and then it's reaction time and all bottles pop open without warning and AAAHHHH you get so angry you can't even think! It's amazing, and I don't much have a solution, and I'm entirely aware that I haven’t made a phenomenal observation here or anything.
I won't tell you what happened that Thursday because it was weeks ago now, I haven't the emotion to relate it well enough, furthermore, I don't think I could really describe what got me so angry that I couldn't think right for almost the rest of the day, because it's not one incident, is it? It's all these bottles that'd been piling up for i don't know how long.
I can think of one real proper solution that you can't reach unless you really try, every single day- Well? It's to make dua! I haven't tried this myself very well so I ought to now. I'll tell you how it goes. I'll tell you one more thing before I close this entry. I see far too many people loudly complain about their problems these days, or rather I've been taking closer notice these days. A small tangent if you'll allow me--I personally learned not to ever complain loudly about my problems, two reasons: First, it makes me feel worse cos nobody really ever knows what to say, and how could they anyway, they didn't prepare for my outburst! Also I don't know how many people have rotten luck like mine, but of all the things luck can be involved with in my life, I've had worst luck with friends. I've always had bad friends who couldn't care peanuts if I'd virtually disappeared. Well, unless they needed something from me, they'd pester me about it for a long while until I either gave in or they found an alternative- Whoa tangent within a tangent! Back to topic! And second, because people use it against you. When I realized how squeamish I actually was, I told a couple people about it, just in casual conversation. That was a bad move, cos they wouldn't stop using that against me. When I told the people around me that I couldn't stand messy places and I had a tendency to start tiding up anything and everything, they literally took it as a free ticket to get me to clean up after them. I'm not TRAUMATIZED by this, mind you, things bother me but I've learned to not be sensitive, and very really learned not to complain out loud. But maybe that's just me, maybe I have bad luck with people lol. But anyway people complain so much and yet almost NOBODY ever thinks, 'well OK, I've a problem. What do I do about this?' It's ridiculous that you can't use common sense to know that once you've identified a problem, you contemplate a solution! The NUMBER of these aimless complains I've been hearing, it's sheer insanity! God's given you a brain, you dumbarse! Use it! There's more chemicals and neurons in there that have uses other than bitching and complaining! So what about you, dear reader? What makes you angry? Why? What do you do about it? And have you a problem that you've been avoiding? I recommend you think about these questions. Thinking's served me well, maybe it'll do you good as well.