#mutamur

[cithaerons]

i’m so sorry. i don’t think ?? i’ve yet been inflicted with that one yet

i just ??? fucking can’t deal with any of these things. i’m like the worst person with technology ever. my 80 year old professors have got all of these platforms figured out much better than i do. this whole quarantine experience is like.... an exercise in deep humiliation.

[cithaerons]

mutamur replied to your post:

winter break reading recs???

Have you read the God of small things?

i have not! it looks really good. ty!!

[cithaerons]

mutamur replied to yourpost

:

mutamur replied to your post : Official Music...

Sibylle baier is similar

looking her up thank you!! :D

eta:

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mutamur replied to your post

:

mutamur replied to your post : Official Music...

Marika Hackman, especially Ophelia

ah perfect thank you! 

update: vvv good 10/10 i second this recommendation

[cithaerons]

mutamur

replied to your

post

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Official Music Recommendation Request Post

Julien Baker

ahh perfect thank you!!

[idionkisson-archive]

 @mutamur said: This is my first year off…for me it’s weird because I don’t fully know how to understand my identity if I’m not studying something. Like but I was also soooo ready to graduate and so burnt out but now it feels a little empty 

yeah, i was totally burned out too, definitely glad to have stopped...i don’t think my identity was ever tied up with “student” in that way, i always thought of myself as the bad student, like, the charismatic-but-incompetent one, if my life were a sitcom. like, everyone kept me around bc i was enthusiastic and charming, but i didn’t really belong there, i wasn’t a real student like everyone else. graduating was almost a relief, like, oh thank god i don’t have to masquerade as a scholar anymore. but now i’m wondering if that was actually just, like, the most all-encompassing case of imposter syndrome ever. yeesh, i dunno. i feel like i definitely don’t want a life in academia, no way can i do that for the rest of my life, but at the same time i don’t know where else to go. i don’t know if i’ll ever find anything that felt as much like home as my school did.

[idionkisson-archive]

@mutamur replied to your post: “isn’t it hilarious how the endless torrent of...”

me too it feels strange

for me it is just so bizarrely unexpected? like, it makes SENSE that i would be really sad around this time of year, but i feel like a failure because of it. like, oh my god, are you SERIOUS michelle, LAST year you weren’t this sad about not going back to school, it has now been OVER A YEAR since you graduated, why are you such a sad sack, how are you not Over It by now. but like......that’s not how emotions work..........anyway, last year i think i felt like i was on an extended break. this year it almost feels like it’s only just sinking in that it really is over forever and i’m not going back.

[cithaerons]

@mutamur you’re so right. thank you. <3

[cithaerons]

mutamur replied to your post :

sometimes i really wish i had the guts /...

If it makes you feel any better every time I have said something it only escalated the situation and turned it into an ongoing thing that made me miserable

i’m sorry that’s happened to you. that sounds nightmarish. <3

i think the risk of that happening is a major part of why i didn’t/don’t/wouldn’t say anything in a situation like that. but i do wish i could express myself/convey to the person responsible that what they’re doing is not okay or acceptable, in a way that wouldn’t pose a risk to myself, if just to feel like i have some degree of agency - if you know what i mean? of course, that is not a reality, due to the culture we live in and my own psychological limitations.