I regret to inform you that negotiations have stalled in my attempt to launch the revolution’s most fire podcast. The problem? Vicki.
Now, let’s be clear—I admire Vicki. Not just because they’re insanely cool, not just because they can recite Lenin while making perfect pour-over coffee, and not just because their septum piercing makes me weak in the knees—but because they are a true believer in the cause.
Unfortunately, the cause they believe in is the Communist Party USA.
And so, Vicki has laid down two conditions for their participation in my podcast:
1. I must formally apologize for calling them a tanky.
2. I must sign up for their CPUSA youth club.
Now, obviously, this presents a moral crisis. I, Doucheroo the Destroyer, am an Anarcho-Communist. I believe in mutual aid, direct action, and the immediate abolition of hierarchical structures. The CPUSA, on the other hand, believes in…ugh…“working within the system.” 🤮
Do I betray my ideological purity for the sake of creating the greatest leftist podcast of all time? Or do I stand firm and lose my chance to spend hours in close proximity to Vicki while discussing class warfare in sultry, microphone-enhanced voices?
I was deep in contemplation, staring into the existential abyss of my own romantic hypocrisy, when some unholy goblin at school slapped a ‘Don’t Tread on Me’ button onto my backpack.
I did not immediately notice because I was too busy running through my ethical dilemma like a character in a bad Dostoevsky novel. But when I did see it? Oh, comrades. Oh, no.
I ripped that cursed object from my bag and, in a moment of unfiltered rage, shouted to the heavens:
“THIS IS DEMOCRACY MANIFEST!”
Which… made no sense in context, but honestly? Neither does slapping libertarian propaganda onto the bag of an anarcho-communist who literally spent last week explaining why private property is a lie.
Anyway, I am now faced with a life-altering decision. Do I:
A) Swallow my righteous anti-statist pride and sign up for Vicki’s CPUSA youth club so I can start this podcast and maybe, just maybe, win their heart?
B) Stick to my principles and remain ideologically pure but tragically alone?
Or, the forbidden option:
C) Tell Vicki I’ll sign up, then never actually show up to a single meeting, because isn’t deceiving a communist organization the most anarchist thing I could possibly do?
I am open to advice, but please keep in mind that my primary goal is to achieve both revolutionary justice and romantic success, preferably without becoming a statist pawn.
