My World Just Feels So Cold || Ryam
Tagged: Sam Evans and Ryan Wilde
Where: Ryan’s room
When: Wednesday, October 16th.
Notes: *quits life*
Sam had felt like things had been getting better with Ryan, since before homecoming and after, but something in the switch's attitude and mood shift told him otherwise, so he felt a dead weight in his stomach as he headed to the 5th floor, worried. Ryan had not had a happy face on when he said they needed to talk, so he could only assume the worst. He reached his room and knocked before stuffing his hands into his jeans pockets, his hair falling into his face somewhat as he looked down at his feet shuffling on the hallway floor, chewing on his lower lip.
Ryan didn't know what to do anymore. Everything was fine when they were together and it was just the two of them but, as soon as Sam was gone he would go back to thinking about the fact that he wasn't the only one that had the blondes attention. It bothered him to no end, and he knew that maybe it was just him being jealous but, he didn't like the feeling that he was sharing Sam with someone else. Obviously he wanted to be with him but, how long would he have to wait for Sam to make up his mind? Ryan had started to feel like maybe he just never would. Hearing the knock on the door, his stomach tightened uneasily as he walked over to answer it. Pausing at the door, he sighed, and ran his hands thoroughly tousled hair as he had been anxiously for the past hour. Opening the door, he managed a half smile before stepping aside to let Sam in.
Sam spotted the half smile and tousled hair and he gnawed a little harder on his lip, stepping across the threshold. "Evening," He murmured, swallowing and trying not to wince. "I don't suppose this is going to be a fun social call?" He smiled nervously, trying to break the awkward tension, even if he knew that was most likely going to back fire on him. He stood in the middle of the room, not sure if he should sit down or if Ryan wouldn't want him to get comfortable here. Who knew how long he wanted him here, to say whatever it was he was going to say to him. He exhaled a breath, hands fidgeting in his pockets.
Ryan knew that Sam would probably pick up that something was wrong but couldn't, and didn't want to, try to pretend like everything was okay. "Hey." He responded, as he closed the door. Shook his head, knowing that Sam was trying to make this lighter- and wished that he did ask him over just because he wanted to hang out. "No, it's not.. Come 'ere." Ryan said, taking Sam's hand gently out of his pocket so he could take it in his and lead him over to the couch. He tried not to think about the gesture but, he couldn't help but wonder if this was the last time he'd get to hold Sam's hand. All Ryan could hope was that Sam didn't hate him after this.
Sam watched Ryan take his hand from his pocket and use it to lead him to the couch. His heart was racing by now and he was trying not to freak out before anything happened. He kept hold of Ryan's hand while he could, clutching it in his own, his brows starting to crease in concern as he looked across at him. "Are you-..? No, I... I won't try to guess... w-what did you want to say to me..?" He remembered to keep his breathing even, wondering how they could have gone from so many good days to so many rocky ones in such short time. Ryan had felt perfect to him could it really be possible that the closest he'd ever get was also the shortest time he'd ever have?
Ryan sat down on the couch, reluctant to let go of Sam's hand. He looked down at their hands for a moment, glad that Sam didn't guess what he was going to say- although Ryan was sure that he knew what was coming, even if he didn't know why. Turning so he was facing him better, he let go of Sam's hand and sighed a heavy breath as he felt the pressure increasing on his heart. "I wanted to talk to you about what I said last time... About waiting for you." He looked up at Sam, so that he could watch his reaction as he spoke- knowing that it would only make this harder but continued anyways. "I... I know this is going to sound crazy but, in this past month I've... Fallen in love with you- and that's something that I never expected to happen... So this whole Harrison thing.. It drives me crazy because I get wanting more than one person but- there's a big difference than just wanting two people and liking two people..." He looked down, unable to believe he was really saying all of this. "It's not fair of me to ask you to choose between me and him... I'm not that kind of person so, I've decided to just make this easier on you and... Take myself out of the equation because, Sam... I don't want to do this anymore- I like you too much t let this drag out any longer."
Sam stared at Ryan, his heart hammering against his rib cage painfully as he listened to him. His heart sank into his stomach when he spoke, swallow thickly. "R-Ryan, don't... please... h-he and I, we're friends.. I mean, w-we hang out a-and I understand there's some- some flirty stuff I need to stop, but we're friends, w-we just talk about movies and watch them and he- .. he doesn't even really like me in that way.. it's not like you and me.." He sucked in a breath, shaking his head. "Y-you said you could wait..n-now you're saying you.. you love me but you don't want to do this anymore..? W-what did I do? I can fix it?"
Ryan bit his lip, thoughts racing as he tried to think of how to explain it to him. "You didn't do anything. I'm not suppose to feel like this though- I've always tried to avoid this kind of stuff because it never ends well. We're not even together and I'm already like this?" He shook his head, his chest aching painfully, "I've never felt like this before, Sam, this is all new... I just... I'm not going to ask you to change your friendship with him, and because of that I don't know how this'll work."
Sam 's eyes saddened and he dropped them, trying to breathe evenly. "So I can't do anything... you don't want to do this anymore and I can't do anything to change your mind," He spoke quietly, heart sinking deeper into the bottomless pit that his stomach had become, just for this. He drew in a short, sharp breath, looking away, not even sure what he was supposed to do now. He felt like something had been ripped away from him, so he had to remind himself it was never his in the first place. It just made him think it could be.
Ryan wasn't sure what was worse, the gnawing feeling in his stomach or the look he saw in Sam's eyes. It felt as if he were just slipping into a deeper and deeper feeling of hopelessness. He wished he could stop, take it all back and pretend that nothing was bothering him but, he couldn't, and he knew that with the way things have been- it would only get worse. He shook his head, "No..." Ryan wasn't sure which one he was answering, probably all of them but he swallowed thickly. "Obviously, his friendship is special to you since you guys seem to have gotten.. Closer since the last time we talked about it so... N-No, there's nothing you can do about it. It's not your fault but, whatever this was.... With us..." His voice broke, heart squeezing painfully, "I can't do it anymore."
Sam 's eyes shot back to Ryan's, widening in his devastation. "N-no, we're not closer- we're not- w-we're not that- R-Ryan, c'mon-" He stopped himself from outright begging, instead putting his face in his hands for a long moment before he shook his head. "That's really it?" He asked in a whisper, unable to look at him now, so disappointed with himself and Ryan a little too, but it was clearly his own fault this time. "It's just-..w-we're done..?" He swallowed and went back to chewing on his lip, loosely crossing his arms around his middle.
Ryan raised is eyebrows, "Are you kidding me? He sees you more than I do! And I know that's partially my fault but that doesn't mean it doesn't bother me, Sam!" He admitted, before shaking his head and looking down. "I mean... It's like, I said I'd wait for you but... What did that even mean to you? I was hoping you'd get this Harrison thing out of your system and do whatever it is that you so desperately wanted to do with him, so that you could stop being so all over him but- fuck, if this doesn't seem like this'll ever stop ." His hands both ran through his hair as he shook his head, "I- I guess so.." Ryan said shrugging lightly.
Sam looked back at him, wounded, shaking his head. "I'm not- all over him. We're friends. I don't have that many friends. I can... I c-can change, do something differently." He swallowed thickly, rubbing his head. "I don't have to- hang out with him as much, but I'm still going to talk to him... we're not- we didn't really do anything. I don't think we will.. and.. and I won't even get into a position where I could, if it's worrying you.. I. I don't know.... I'm not all over him," He whispered the last part, feeling defeated and empty.
Ryan hated knowing that he was hurting him but, it was too late, "I don't mean in a physical was Sam... Honestly, what the problem was last time we talked about this was... That you don't just want him... You like him. And that's fine- but don't act like it's not painfully obvious.." He sighed, "I don't want to do that. I don't think it would even help to ask you to change because, that's not fair and it's not you that I have a problem with- it's your friendship with him. And knowing that you like him and spend more time with him and talk to him more than me.."
Sam looked dumbfounded and then anxious, upset. "B-but I feel about you.. Ryan- who says I talk to him more than you? Who says? Why don't I just-... I can see him less, talk to him less, if it's such a problem... r-really, Ryan... it doesn't just have to be over like this.. we-.. we hardly spent any time together, you and me... it's not.. f-fair.." He swallowed again, feeling like a dumb, petulant child, saying it wasn't fair. He had never been the cause of this before, of heart ache, not in this way. And he hated it, it made him feel terrible. What was worse, really? Having perfection waved in your face only to have it taken away, or to be the reason it was being.
Ryan of course didn't want this to be over, didn't want this to be the end of their seemingly perfect connection. The solution sounded so simple, for Sam to simply not talk to him as much but- things like that were never simple. He hesitated before reaching out to take Sam's hand back into his own before looking up at him, "I... Sam... It's not that I want this to be over I just... I don't feel like that's not fair- for me to ask you to limit your time and stuff with him.." Ryan looked down, "I'm just scared that if I ask you to do that then you'll end up hating me for it and... I just... I don't want that."
Sam shook his head weakly, wanting to take his hand back but he left it where it was or now, staring down at his lap. "I want to be with you," He whispered. "But if you're uncomfortable, don't trust me... or don't... want this any more because I fucked it all up by-.. by-.. l-liking Harrison or whatever, then... t-then I don't know what to say... I don't know what I can say to make you trust me again.." His eyes moistened but he blinked rapidly, trying to get it away, not wanting to cry over this. It seemed like a horrible thing. To be that weak, but he felt weak, and his heart was aching.
Ryan was quite for a little while. As long as Sam was willing to try to help make it work, he couldn't seem to come up with a good reason to throw away a good thing. "I... I want to make this work... You haven't lost my trust, Sam.. I just need you to be upfront with me about things." He swallowed thickly, as he saw Sam blinking quickly. "So, I'm willing to give this a shot if you are because... I don't want to be with anyone else."
Sam looked up slowly, his expression a little shocked since Ryan had seemed so adamant before. Was he really changing his mind now..? He drew in a breath, knowing this would change things, and he'd have to be different now. He tried not to be scared about that. His heart was back to hammering in his chest. "S-so I just.. I won't see him as much.. a-and we can be good..? R-right?" He looked back down again, drawing in a breath.
Ryan knew that the whole thing sounded so much simpler that it was, and knew that this would be a big change for Sam. "Yeah but... Sam, you don't have to do this. This is exactly what I was trying not to do... So if this is going to bother you too much, then just tell me now. I won't hold it against you but... I need to know if it'll bother you too much."
Sam stared at the floor, his head swirling because he hated how hard this was getting. This was supposed to be easy and happy. He wanted everything to be just easy and happy with Ryan, why could it never work out like that. "I don't know... I don't know how much it's going to bother me.." He lifted his head to look at him, tilting his head sadly over at Ryan.
Ryan 's heart squeezed painfully at Sam's answer. Although, he had been expecting it, he had hoped by some chance he was wrong. This was why he was against asking him to do this in the beginning, it wasn't fair and he wouldn't feel right knowing that it was hurting Sam. Nodding slowly, he felt the sting in his eyes and refused to let Sam see him cry over this. "Then I'm sorry... I didn't expect you to say that it wouldn't but... I couldn't help but hope." He let go of his hand and stood up, "We're.. Done, for now... Maybe we can be friends in a little while." Ryan told him, his voice soft. "I'll walk you to the door."
Sam 's heart sunk back down and he felt a sharp pain followed by numbness, deadening himself to the feelings coming from this situation. It felt worst than he could have thought and he stood up, shaking his head. "Please don't... don't trouble yourself." He swallowed hard, eyes stinging with tears. He flung his arms around Ryan's shoulders for a few moments, hugging him tightly as some tears rolled down his cheeks. "Y-you're incredible.. a-and I love you... and I'm sorry t-this is happening... I'm sorry I didn't say the right thing, couldn't.. be the right thing." He breathed in harshly and pulled himself back, kissing Ryan's cheek before hurrying to the door, wiping his eyes.
Ryan was taken aback by Sam's comment, wondering if he should insist but deciding against it. He was surprised when Sam hugged him but, his arms went to his waist instinctively and he hugged him tightly. The whole thing hit him in that moment,and he realized that it was really over- they were really over. By the time Sam finished and pulled away, Ryan felt a stronger pain in his chest- like something had just been torn away. He just watched as Sam went, waiting until he was out of sight to let his tears fall steadily down his cheeks. " You were the right thing... " He said softly, waiting for the sound of the door to confirm that Sam was really gone.