extinguished
;description: a companion piece to this ;tw: blood
you swore no one will see you bleed. like sharks they will encircle you at any sign of weakness, yet they both saw you bathed in it like you’ve been baptized where people are reborn only to die and die again.
he called you a freak. he left you to die. but he saw you when you were weak, and he saved you. you couldn’t grasp why he threw himself off that edge with no hesitation. because, in the end, self preservation still required for the self to be preserved.
but you understand now.
the only life he worked to save was jongin’s. a final act of desperation to save somebody he wanted to protect. your lives ran parallel to each other’s to the tee. you almost forget that his story isn’t your own. you feel the weight pressing down on you again. the entire souless seventy-something kilograms pushing down onto you all at once as you hear him ask
“jiĕjie, do i deserve to live? can you answer me; can you tell me? what do you think? is there a point to me? do i have a purpose at all; will i ever have a purpose? do i, do i really deserve to—”
you shield him. with your fallible body, you protect him. there is breath in this body. there is life rushing through his veins. you want to preserve all of that, so you reassure him over and over
“yes, zitao.. yes, yes you do.”
you don’t ask anymore, but you tell him to trust you. trust the one who once stood on the other side of the prison she was born into. trust the one who stands on the other side as the one who was protected.
for this reason, you cannot hurt him. even after he laid a dagger in your hands with his words and positioned its point to his throat, you cannot go through with it. you can’t let him be another dead body in another’s arms.
dried streaks of a burned out rouge paints the canvas of his skin. experience has taught you the best way to wash blood off yourself even after the blood had ample time to seep in and stain. nobody helped you rid yourself of your image of a bloodstained monster but you never needed them to. you don’t need anyone’s help yet someone always needs yours.
“if you don’t have a purpose, then find one. if he is your light and your wildfire, then live for him. he might be too bright for you to look at or too hot for you to approach, but remember that he is your wildfire. he is not the sun. something that unattainable doesn’t need your protection. and i’ll tell you this, zitao. you have to make it your purpose to live, because once he loses you, his fire will be extinguished too. can you cope with that?”
