#my.fav

[juxtapostino]

I kept looking at the date in disbelief. 

I can’t believe it's the end of the month. 

Also, I almost forgot why 11/23 was a significant day in my life. 

Almost. 

[juxtapostino]

I miss him when I extended the vowels in "nice" to sound like "NOICE" ...or when I'm in the shower making a clockwise turn away from the specific water temperature that you preferred ...or when I hear that Marques Houston song "all because of you" I miss him when I get home from work and I'm tired but not sleepy ...when the best remedy is his voice and a drink ...especially when I want to vent as I demolish some dominos pizza I miss him at the worst times like 9:07 in the morning I have a laundry list of priorities to handle before I see a client ...or 2:47 in the morning when I need my sleep ...but I just want to lay. reminisce on this past year. I fucking hate how much I miss him and idk if I will ever not feel like this.

[juxtapostino]

Last time we only had a couple of hours.

Now we had all 24 with the pressure to living a secret only a few know. I made fun of him for coming outside in white pants. he was ON BRAND as he is a beautiful eyed Jamaican. he had a cup of Henny in his hand and Cheshire cat smile. I was physically incapable of not smiling as he spoke. Ignoring the fact I was fresh off having a anxiety episode waiting outside for him. We struggled to smoothly hold hands. I took that as a sign for some reason. when we saw his brother–who has a good reason to hate me–I put on some glasses to disguise myself & it worked. We laughed. oh we laughed. he griped about the cold weather and rubbed his hands like birdman. booking the hotel was almost our first fight bc he can’t figure out how tax works. he lit up in the room that already has the bed smelling like an ashtray. “I’m gonna quit soon tho.” I smiled politely bc I don’t believe him. we drank. stripped. sucked. fucked. kissed. hugged. cuddled. fucked some more. we made phone calls bc the night was young. it’s only 6 o'clock. it’s merely 730 . it’s 9 now. I passed out before 10. thanks tequila. I woke back up at 4. Waffle House of course. only this time they weren’t serving waffles and I didn’t ask for extra bacon at the right time. I noticed how these inconveniences didn’t upset him. A HUMBLE MAN. returning to room 132 with our plump stomachs, naming off more ways to enjoy each other’s company. It didn’t take long before we evolved to rolling around each other for another moment. at least until my playlist was played out. I woke up to admire how gotdam flawless he is. calm face. calm sound. I hated to wake him up but 11 o'clock check out crept up real quick. he called his daughter, and it was the only time I didn’t matter. I contemplated how I managed to be happy and sad about such a precious moment. “you got everything?” I gave a lousy smile as a nodded. Driving to the city, I let him DJ. he danced subtly but rapped like he was a reverend with a message. loud and proud. he took my hand and gave it a royal kiss. how did he know I needed this? we stumbled around the city into a cute pizzeria. there was a waitress who noticed how cute he was. I tried not to take it personal bc I hate those kind of girls anyway. when we left we realized how we missed the opportunity to document our Valentine’s Day celebration. he held me tight as he stomped on the frigid sidewalk. I told him about the drake meme we look like. the accuracy had him roaring. he’s such a Leo and I don’t mind. ((but he’s on the cusp of cancer so there’s that)) jay walking became our thing bc he’s from Brooklyn ya know. We spend a lot of time wandering and rambling. he also told me how much I mean to him. even when I dragged him to the Coca Cola factory as if he didn’t tell me how much he despises soda. he feels guilty when he smokes. he says i give him a look but it’s only bc he will be in solitude while doing it. we shared chapstick, lips, and I love yous. I put on a brave face as he exited the car. I should’ve hugged him harder and longer but I didn’t want to extend the separation anxiety that was already setting in. 

Last time we only had a couple of hours. 

Now we had the best 24 behind us.

[juxtapostino]

just leaving this here as a reminder that pretty lies are still lies.

[juxtapostino]

fml. why do I let one person dictate my feelings. I'm depressed like shit in the club.

[juxtapostino]

I talked to him about how much he means to me. He told me the same. I pointed out how his actions aren't translating his alleged reciprocity. He apologized because it's the right thing to do. But that's it. I keep it "real" and pointed out how dusty he looks. his feelings were hurt, but shit.. my feelings been hurt. get a haircut & mean what you say so we can all be great. I miss him, but shit.

[juxtapostino]

I just remembered that one of your best qualities is the fact you’re such a good listener. I would be overwhelmed with work or something and you would let me vent. You never asked a stupid question, or changed the subject so selfishly. You just knew I was justified to feel what I was feeling. 

I hate to empathize with someone who sucks at communication... but maybe I haven’t heard from you because you just don’t want to NOT be the good listener that you’re capable of. 

hmm

too bad you’re a lying polyamorous demon who that doesn’t apply to

[juxtapostino]

I think it’s so hard to let go of him because he showed me my worth back in 2007. he looked at me and loved me back when I swear I wasn’t shit. the diary entries before and after are like day and night. so to realize that he's not as different from everyone else, but just as deceptive, dishonest, and manipulative.... took so much out of me. mind you, my circle of friends saw this miles away. to think, I wasted time and money to affirm the truth because I was blinded by his empty words that came from his beautiful face and a big heart. I should've gotten some tips on how to fake.care about someone bc it would be useful in a business setting.