#mylyme

[orahasenfratzblog-blog]

MY LYME / TWINS exhibition from May 17th to June 17th in the Budapest Project Gallery (Kossuth Lajos street 14. Budapest, Hungary)

[topshelfwhiskeys]

ALSO I REALLY HATE BEING ASKED WHAT MY HOBBIES ARE OR WHAT I LIKE TO DO FOR FUN

THIS

IS 

IT

THIS IS WHAT I DO

[topshelfwhiskeys]

you know that tumblr post that's like 'you don't realize how ridiculous tumblr is until you try to explain it to someone who isn't on tumblr' or whatever. well that's kinda how i feel about talking to people about my health who know nothing about me. like twice this week i've had to talk to doctors who know NOTHING about me and each time when I'm saying the words, talking about my symptoms, what i can and can't do, i just realize how ridiculous it sounds. it's like i can see it all over their face that they're thinking 'that doesn't sound so bad'. 

in similar news, the appointment this morning went better than expected the doctor was very personable. he was this shaved head, tattooed, tight shirt, huge muscled, shaved arms, dude lol 

He was nice and easy to talk to but I'm glad it's over and now I just have to wait for them to send in their reports and for the state to decide on whether or not i should receive help for my medical stuff. OH FUN.

[topshelfwhiskeys]

anyway tomorrow i have to meet with a psych and he's a dude and i hate talking to dudes and i'm just so freaking stressed out about it. i hate that this is mandatory. like i get the physical exam and i put up with it even if i had a panic attack while i was there woo. but this just seems so invasive to me. what are they even looking for? i don't even get it. i don't want to talk to some stranger so he can determine whether or not i should get help from the state for my medical bills. 

ugh i hate my life right now.

i am so unhappy and i feel so sick and i keep randomly crying about dumb shit. and i just want to sleep all day long. i just feel so pointless. my existence means absolutely nothing. i hate this. 

[topshelfwhiskeys]

.

[topshelfwhiskeys]

That's what I want. 

I want to not have to deal with any of this anymore. 

And this isn't even about wanting to die (though I guess that's part of it but not something drastic right now, no worries) it's just I want to give up on getting better. I want to give up going to endless doctor appointments, endless IV treatments, trying endless medications and supplements and remedies that just make.me.feel.so.much.worse. 

I just want to stop it all. I want it to stop consuming my life. I want to stop analyzing every symptom, on a scale from 1-10, better or worse?, I just want to stop all of it. 

I want to just give up. 

When I think about how I'm not even close to being done with this journey, it's all so overwhelming and feels so incredibly pointless. Constantly calling doctors, setting up appointments, talking about new treatments that we could try that may or may not do anything and by past experience will probably only make me feel worse. 

And it's just like WHY. This is not a life worth living. I am just so sick of being in constant pain, constantly being dizzy, constantly feeling nauseous, feeling like a zombie because of fatigue and medicine, having no friends, having no life outside of my tumblr and monotonous doctor appointments. 

I.Am.Just.Done.

Which of course is a lie. Nothing is going to change. I'm going to continue to lie here and bitch about it and nothing is going to change. A year from now I'll read this post and be like 'welp life is exactly the same what a shocker!'. 

--------------------------------------------------------------

[topshelfwhiskeys]

.

[topshelfwhiskeys]

anyway tomorrow i am going to rest REST REST R E S T so that tuesday goes as planned.