This piece. This piece of music seems to grip my soul and hold tightly onto it and say "This is what you have done with your life, this is what you have left behind, this is what could have been."
The following post is emotional drivel that is dramatic and wholly uninteresting but I would hate myself even more if I were to let these thoughts fade away so that I can read back over them when I want to be reminded of this piece's meaning to me and remind myself of the bad when I hopefully reach my own good place.
I used to play the cello. Before University and before leaving home behind I would play the cello, this was one of the final pieces that I tried to play. I had a complicated relationship with the cello. On one hand I don't think any instrument will connect to me as much as my cello did, the mellow sounds and resonate strings seemed to be a harmony to my own soul and despite never being particularly good, I enjoyed to play immensely.
The downside with the cello was that I was never happy with the sound I produced, I could never seem to express myself fully through the instrument when I tried to play in front of people- even my teacher who I was very close to. I distinctly remember getting to frustrated at myself for not being able to emote fully as I tried my hardest to form some connection to the audience.
My fondest memories were that of playing when no one was home, when no one was there to see it. Then I would be truly happy and I could truly feel the part of me that had felt missing for so long. This was one of the pieces I played freely, just me and my cello.
As I listen to the deep, melancholic opening melody I feel the sense of longing that I have been unable to express fully now that music is not a part of my life as it has been since I was 7. I try not to let myself miss it, I truly do but a part of my soul longs to sit on a stage with just me and a pianist and I want to express myself. I want to share these beautiful sounds with others and share this overwhelming feeling of regret and longing.
I know that I am not the best with words, I find it impossible to use words to accurately describe how I am feeling. Whenever someone asks me if I am okay I very rarely have the words to answer so I settle with a "I'm fine.". I feel as if I have lost an outlet now that I have not even touched my cello in over a year. I have lost a part of myself that I had no realised meant so much of me until I have left it in my childhood.
Do I regret choosing the path I have? Sometimes. It would be dishonest of me to say that I have not. In reality I know that I would never have been able to make it in the music world. I was never a prodigy, I could play sure but I by no means stood out from the rest of the crowd. I remember feeling that others would deserve a place much more than I because I had yet to give my entire time over to music. However I am jealous of those who play on stage, of those who get to express themselves freely and of those who can find a freedom in the melodies of Brahms.
To me this piece feels like every inch of regret I have ever held is being played through swelling phrases and falling sighs. There is anger hidden behind an overwhelming sense of sadness. Each phrase rises as if to go somewhere but falls just as it reaches it's peak. It is a piece desperate for a loud, expressive and violent ending but instead fades into quiet retreat, seemingly resigning itself to its future and the choices it has made. Content to be incomplete.
A few days ago amazon music news palyed this song. it instantly got into my mind. If it were 2 years ago, I would be so touched by this song, but now, considering my position and all theses I’ve been through, I kind of know the feeling described in this song. It's just like the song by placebo called burger queen, when I first listen to burger queen, I couldn't relate to this song because I just can't get the feeling of the lyric, that is “ lying in bed all day but couldn't get an erection”, but right now I experienced the same thing so I'm starting to get get this song and the feeling described in this song instantly filled my heart and I just know the feeling is very painfulbut right now I experienced the same thing so I'm starting to get this song. the feeling described in this song instantly filled my heart and I just know the feeling is very painful.
Sometimes, the greatness of a song will only come to you only after you experienced what that song talks about. And I think that's what great songs have in common, they are talking about, they are singing about something, some feeling that is common around masses.
