Chanyeol [ M ] [ 18+ / Angst ] [ Burn Masterlist ] [ Main Masterlist ]
Word Count [ 3.5k ]
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The setting pink and orange hues of the sun danced across the water sprinting past your view, the beat from the radio mixing with the now familiar gentle hum of the car. You were vaguely aware of Jongin’s arm draped low around your hips, the side of his chest serving as a resting place for the back of your skull as you stared out the window. Tiffany laughed from her spot in the passenger seat though you didn’t bother glancing her way, Sehun’s equally amused response sounding muffled. Chanyeol’s lower register, however, did pull your eyesight towards the front of the car, starting a path from his left hand gripping the steering wheel and ending at the right, the fingers tangled with Tiffany’s just barely skimming the inside of her thigh.
A bubble of irritation rattled in your stomach as you tore your eyes back over to the window, ignoring Chanyeol’s gaze on you from the rear view mirror.
You refused to believe you were jealous.
He was your closest friend.
Sure, the group of friends you’d surrounded yourself with had been the same since you were in highschool. Flirting was common with a group most commonly filling their time with things that had gotten the lot of you in trouble on more than one occasion. Time had passed since you all met, time changed all of you in your own unique ways and some things hadn't changed at all, your relationship with Chanyeol being one of them.
Calling him your best friend felt too cliche but it was all that came to mind, most of the memories locked away in your brain from the past ten odd years peppered with the image of his wide grin and boyish face slowly turning into the grown man in front of you. It wasn’t a secret he was attractive, age doing nothing but good for him, wide shoulders and broad back in contrast to his once lanky limbs. He could peer down at most girls, one quirk of his lips and raising of his eyebrows later and they were smitten with him. He didn’t even have to try, in some ways it never seemed like he was.
You’d always gravitated towards each other, bodies always seeming to find a way to be close enough to almost touch. You’d crash at his place and he at yours, beside each other in the bed but never crossing that line. You couldn’t say the same for many of your friends, including the two boys bickering beside you in the back seat of the car. Nor could Chanyeol, many of the female friends of your group having whispered about their escapades while he pretended not to hear them with that smug smile on his lips.
Of course there had been times you’d both tempted the line of friendship.
Times when you went for walks away from your friends and your hands would linger brushing just a few seconds too long. Nights when you drank too much and let your body rock into his hips in a loud club while his breath fanned against your neck. But never more than that, and never had it ever crossed your mind much after, nor had it seemed to cross his as words were never spoken from either of you about it after.
But things were starting to feel different, much as you fought to ignore it and succeed in pushing it far enough back in your subconscious for anyone else to notice.
He’d started seeing Tiffany about eight months ago, her infectious smile and warm personality not that unlike Chanyeol’s own at times. She wasn’t a complete stranger before that, and you’d never had a problem with her, even after Chanyeol bumped into her at the grocery store a year ago, having lost touch since college. It had never bothered you listening to him chat about her, never agitated you to listen to him whine into the phone about missing her when he had a few too many drinks.
And then four months ago something started to change.
Your birthday rolled around and even with a room full of friends you truly love, all you could focus on that night was Chanyeol’s attention constantly focused on Tiffany. All you could think about was wanting his eyes to be glued to your body the way they were to hers. Your legs bounced uncomfortably every time you’d look over to utter his name and you’d find him preoccupied with her. You loathed the way his hands spread out against her delicate back and hated the way your stomach lurched when you watched him kiss her over the drink in your hand.
Slowly the feelings grew as did the space between you and Chanyeol. Sure some of it was natural, both of you busy with work and life, his apartment all the way across town and now half occupied with Tiffany as well. The brief time you had alone as of late had only seemed to make the situation worse, you were becoming more closed off and even though the cause wasn’t obvious, it was clear that it was starting to bother Chanyeol.
The feeling was starting to consume you, burning like embers of a fire just waiting for a gust of wind to bring them to life. Everyone could tell they were smitten, so when Chanyeol suggested she ride along with all of you on your road trip up country for Taemin’s wedding everyone assured him she was invited in the first place. It only made sense, since she was in the wedding, and yet the thought hadn’t crossed your mind once before that.
Time apart hadn’t seemed to dull the growing frustration in your stomach though, your mood only souring the further into the evening you got. It was only the first of your three days of driving to your mid way stop, Sehun’s family cabin. You all used to go there in your college years, spending breaks spread out in the vacation home of the Oh’s, the walls of the basement littered with notes and pictures you’d taped and tacked to them over the years. The general consensus was it would be a good spot to take a few days' breather before driving quite a while more to reach the coast where the wedding would be held.
Now you were regretting not just taking a plane with Kyungsoo, muscles feeling tense when you finally peered your head away from the window to lift your body slightly upright. Jongin yawned beside you, his palm flattening against your stomach as he craned his forehead down onto your shoulder.
“How far are we from the motel?” Your words came out sounding tired, half drained from sitting cramped in the back seat of Chanyeol’s black SUV for the past ten hours, half desperate to get out of the car. Your eyes floated down to Chanyeol’s hand clasped in Tiffany’s at the thought, swallowing when you noticed his grip go slack and her throat cleared quietly.
“Oh good.” Chanyeol’s voice sounded light even with the way his muscles flexed in his neck as he rolled his head on his shoulders before continuing speaking. “I was beginning to think you died back there.”
Your eyes rolled as your arms folded across your chest, Sehun chuckling and no doubt pulling a small grin from Chanyeol.
“I didn’t realize there was a talking quota, I apologize.”
“There’s not a quota, but I don’t think you’ve said more than five things in the past eight hours.”
“So?”
Chanyeol sighed from his position in the driver seat, Tiffany and Sehun laughing lightly at our exchange, the radio floating in between the sounds and filling the empty air. You could see the tight smile on his lips as he shook his head, your eyes locking in the rearview when the car rolled to a stop at a red light. You swallowed, face remaining stoic as you raised one eyebrow, to which he slightly narrowed his.
Why aren’t you talking to me?
That’s what he really wanted to ask, it was written all over his face even if no one else seemed to notice as the car began moving again. It bothered him that you weren’t laughing at his deadpan jokes and acting even a little bit excited to be seeing him for the first time in two weeks. You used to go a few days at most apart, and now there were days you wouldn’t even respond to his texts.
You’d been filling that void of him not being there with other guys, sleeping in strangers beds and friends alike for a few hours and drifting out before the sun rose. You assumed he filled the space you were creating with his girlfriend, leaving the flirty grin and husking teasing for her now that they were quite serious. You couldn’t remember the last time you stared at each other just a beat too long, the last time you woke up in his bed to him poking his head in the room with his skateboard under one arm and takeout in the other.
You missed it.
Hell you craved it.
You wanted to feel close to him even if you were still struggling to push down the tiny voice telling you why inside. For now you would keep repeating you were simply jealous.
Jealous you weren’t Chanyeol’s girl anymore.
Not that you ever really were in the first place.
The thought made your stomach churn, hands raising to scrub at your eyes as Jongin stirred awake beside you, finally removing his arm from behind your back and shaking it like he was trying to bring it back to life.
“We’re almost there.” Chanyeol’s voice brought your head back up, his neck turning so he could look at you when he pulled up to a stop sign. You licked your lips and watched as his eyes glanced at the action before dragging back upwards and speaking with a softer tone. “I was just teasing.”
“I know Yeol.” Your face softened into a gentle smile, a pang of guilt making your lungs feel tight. You swallowed it down when the nickname made the corners of his lips turn up, momentarily ignoring Tiffany’s head turning between the two of you as you caught her hand reaching out for his thigh in your peripheral.
“Babe, we’re holding up the people behind us.” She spoke with a soft laugh, his head whipping forward as he laughed breathily, your teeth digging into your bottom lip as you settled back into the seat.
This time you held his gaze for a moment when he peeked back at you in the rear view, shaking your head and laughing softly, head lulling back when you felt his the tips of his fingers brush your calf through the small gap by the door.
You chose to ignore the way your heart thumped.
You’re just a little jealous.
--
The lights in the pool illuminated your face as you lightly kicked your feet in the water, the sounds of crickets chirping mixing with the occasional car zipping past on the highway off behind the hotel. Everyone had crashed once you got checked in, splitting into two rooms, Chanyeol and Tiffany getting one. You volunteered to crash on the couch and let the boys take the bed in the other room, doubting you’d get much sleep anyway.
Your body was too tense, muscles aching from being cramped in the car and the constant surge of distaste you felt every time your eyes lingered on the happy couple.
A quiet scoff fell from your lips as you shook your head at your own bitterness, unaware where it was coming from in the first place.
Perhaps more indenial than unaware.
You leaned back on your arms and tipped your head back when you saw a tall shadow, Chanyeol’s long legs clad in sweats you got him last christmas, top half in a cut off white band tee, the light from the pool making his biceps stand out.
“Aren’t you supposed to be asleep?” Your tone was light even as you swallowed down the rock of heat that lodged in your throat when your eyes lingered on his arms, his hands raising to turn his cap backwards as he sat down beside you on the pavement.
“Aren’t you?” He bent his legs up in front of him, spread lazily open enough to drape his arms across his knees as his eyes peered over at you with an eyebrow raised.
You shrugged, head turning away from him to focus back on the water in front of you, a quiet falling uncomfortably between the two of you for a beat.
“You’re acting strange.” He phrased it like a fact, his gaze still focused on you even with your face turned, the heat from it burning a hole through your temple.
“I’m fine, Yeol.”
“Is it because of him?”
The words made your head turn back towards him a bit too quickly, his eyebrows raised somewhat expectantly as your stomach did a somersault, an entirely new feeling bursting at your insides but familiarly painful all the same. He didn’t have to clarify who he was talking about, brain already conjuring up an image of his messy head of hair and delicate smile that used to suck you in like a black hole.
You’d met Baekhyun just before college started, still recalling the day you went to the skatepark to take a few pictures on your new camera and finding his face on the other side of the lens. He’d gotten your number so you could send him the pictures and by the next week you were pinned under him in the backseat of his car while everyone else sat around the bonfire a few steps away.
He was like a wildfire and you were the wind that fueled him on, the off and on for the four years that followed steady and constant. You loved him and he loved you, but both of you had tempers and knew how to push the others buttons, breaking up every few months only to get back together after successfully torturing the other enough to make them crack. It was dangerous and exciting and perhaps that’s why you both fed into it so long.
You were friends too, growing close over the time together, fucking each other up enough to seem to be the only ones who really understood their relationship. He became like the glue that held us all together with his childish charm and outlandish ideas.
Towards the end things had started to get better, both of you starting to calm into each other for that final few months. The fighting began to turn into arguing that turned into laughter and languid kisses on your shared sofa. The off and on turned into taking turns cooking dinner and folding each other's laundry.
And then just like that it was gone.
One of his skate videos had gotten spotted online and a company wanted to sign him. Of course you were happy for him, everyone was throwing a party so wild you both drank too much. Somehow the night ended with you screaming your lungs out at each other all the way out the front door onto the street as he climbed into his car to peel out from your shared home.
You couldn’t even remember what started it now, but could still vividly picture the way he slammed his car door as you shouted for him to just leave. Your friends figured it was another quick off before you’d be back on, and somehow so had you, the hours passing into days and days into weeks until you figured out it wasn’t.
And then he was gone, moved across the country closer to his new management and more events.
No goodbye.
Just gone.
After a few months of silence he’d texted you, a simple link to watch the live stream of the event he’d be in that afternoon, his first one of that scale.
You sent him a photo that night from your sofa in the house you once shared of him on the tv posing for cameras when he took first, like you were waving a little white flag on a war he had given up fighting.
Chanyeol’s hands collapsed together from where they were still draped across his knees, fingers twisting between each other in a complicated web as your head shook side to side, throat clearing.
“It’s been two years since we broke up.” Your shoulders rose slightly and fell unceremoniously as you scooted back from the pool, removing your feet from the water and folding your legs onto each other. “Baekhyun and I are fine, we’re friends.”
If polite exchanges in the group chat and the occasional text count as friendship.
“I know that.” His eyes rolled as the words fell from his lips, your lips pressing to a thin line at the look on his face. He could be so difficult to read sometimes, although judging by the way he struggled to chip away what you were thinking you must be just as blank as a slate. “But seeing him at the wedding...I’m sure that’s been on your mi-”
“Did you just come out here to ask me about Baekhyun?” You sounded more pissy than intended, hands raising to cover your face as you squeezed your eyes shut, huffing into your palms with a long sigh, head beginning to buzz with a headache.
“No.” Your eyes peeled open as his fingers curled their way around your wrists, your eyebrows raising as he pulled your hands down so he could see your face. You swallowed glancing down at his position, one leg now folded against the ground with the other extended flat, trapping your legs against your body. “I came out here because you’re being weird with everyone. With me.”
He emphasized the ‘me’, his big eyes drifting down to your body for a moment before looking back at you.
“For the last time, I’m fi-”
“Will you cut the shit.” His voice sounded deeper, a huff of a sigh falling from his slightly pouty lips, your focus falling to the freckle on the bridge of his nose and lingering there as heat crawled up your spine. Your mind went blank with what to say, suddenly very aware of his hands still on your wrists.
“I just have a lot on my mind.” His eyebrows raised, as if he was telling you to go on but you didn’t have more to say, the air growing still for a moment between you. “You haven’t done anything wrong. No one has.”
He remained silent for a second, though his gaze drifted away from your face down towards his legs, like he was thinking and didn’t want you to try to read the words behind his fluttering lashes. His grip on your wrists loosened, one hand falling beside your thigh on the pavement, the other’s fingers just barely weaved with the tips of yours, hanging together by a thread.
You didn’t move, body relaxed and appearance as unfazed as ever, the crickets going muffled as you kept your eyes on the tall boy in front of you.
“I don’t like feeling like you’re ignoring me.” His head lifted at the words, thumb just barely brushing against your pointer finger as he licked his lips. Your heart hammered against your rib cage, staining them with black and blue bruises as you attempted to capture the bees stirring in your stomach.
“I wasn’t trying to.” The words came out gentle, not daring to look away from his face, focused on the feeling of the cool metal of his watch he’d yet to take off brushing against the side of your knee. You bit the corner of your lip, the edge of his pinky finger skimming the inside of your thigh almost absent mindedly as his lips tugged at the corners just a hint.
“You sure?” His eyebrows rose.
“Pretty positive.”
His smile grew with the relaxed laugh that slipped past your lips, the intimacy of a moment alone distantly familiar and making your bodys lean just a inch closer together, volumes low like kids going to get caught up after midnight.
“Good.” The words came out in a low hum, his lips still turned in a smirk as he turned his head away from you, fingers disconnecting from your own. You ignored how absent it felt now, watching as he pushed himself up into a standing position. Your vision rose to his shoulders as he stretched his arms up above his head, turning away from you for a moment before peering down at you. “Then let’s go to bed before she wakes up and wonders where I went.”
The words made your mood drop but you kept your face neutral, that familiar rock in your stomach returning with just a bit more size, hand raising to push through your hair as you brushed past his body, catching a waft of his shampoo.
You’re just jealous.
The words repeated in your head like a mantra as you clicked the lock shut behind you, Sehun’s snoring like the background beat.
Chanyeol [ M ] [ 18+ / Angst ] [ Burn Masterlist ] [ Main Masterlist ]
Word Count [7.2k ]
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“This one looks great!” Tiffany’s laughter sounded light as air, her hair blowing back with the flow of the wind hitting your faces. Her eyes were pointed at the phone in her hands as she turned it to show you, Chanyeol’s long arms wrapped around her midsection as they both laughed in the photo. You nodded and smiled, hands shoving into the pockets of your black track jacket, the white sports bra covering your chest doing little to protect from the chill of the breeze. “Thank you for being our photographer.”
“Anytime.” You waved your hands, taking a peek at Chanyeol as he stood off to the side with Jongin by the car, his fingers drumming into his thigh with a glance in your direction. Your heart leaped to your throat as you pulled your eyes away, Tiffany hurrying to her usual spot in front of him, holding the photo up for him to glance at while he talked, a gentle grin floating onto his lips.
Shoot me.
You’d been stuck in the car with them too many days now, arriving at the cabin tonight something you were more than looking forward to, desperate for air. You could only take so much, the feel of Chanyeol’s hand on your wrist flashing in your memory every time he leaned over the cup holder to peck Tiffany’s lips. It made your stomach churn, everyone clearly oblivious to the bubble of jealousy that ballooned the longer you watched him fawn over her. You kept telling yourself you were just a little jealous, that you were simply used to Chanyeol’s attention being on you, but the voice in the back of your head hadn’t shut up all day.
You had a crush.
A crush on Park Chanyeol.
The thought alone was enough to make you shift uncomfortably in your spot, eyes shifting to the door to the gas station as Sehun finally wandered out, stretching his arms up over his head without a care in the world. You were having a harder time fighting off the gnawing feeling that the way you felt about Chanyeol was more than you were letting yourself believe, far too uncomfortable with the idea of wanting your best friend.
He was Chanyeol, for fucks sake.
The man you’d known for so long he’d heard every deep secret you’d ever had, and now you were feeling like you were keeping the biggest one yet. It was unfair, the way you were desperate to escape his presence when he did nothing wrong, the way you were craving his touch now that it was only for someone else.
It tasted bitter on your tongue, the overbearing discomfort for the looks of affection that flowed between him and his girlfriend. You wanted to be happy for him, to feel any amount of the joy you flashed on your features every time he looked at you, trying to mask the pain that was coursing through your veins.
You barely noticed as Sehun’s arm draped over your shoulder, head lifting in time to see Tiffany holding her phone up to snap a picture of the two of you with a chuckle. You leaned into his chest, holding up a middle finger with a small smile, it faltered when you flicked your gaze to Chanyeol watching the pair of you beside her. His stare was electric, like he was throwing tiny needles into every inch of your skin, the goosebumps raising in their wake enough to make your arms fold over your chest with a chill.
“Are we good to go?” Chanyeol cleared his throat as he spoke, voice husky. “We should almost be there.”
“Thank god, I was starting to starve to death.” Sehun groaned next to you, earning a soft laugh as you shoved him away and moved towards the car. He extended his arm out to Chanyeol, eyebrows wiggling as his fingers mimicked their actions. “Keys? It’s my turn to drive, my family’s cabin after all.”
Chanyeol’s eyes rolled, but he passed over the keys nonetheless, his hand gripping Tiffany’s as he opened the passenger side door for her, letting her take shotgun.
You felt tense in the backseat, eyes glued out the window as Chanyeol climbed in next to you, his long legs significantly more cramped than your own as the door clicked shut behind him. The engine roaring to life did little to draw your attention, his body too far away to touch but close enough to make you feel warm.
“What did you guys get at the store to eat later?” Tiffany’s brows rose as she glanced back at Chanyeol, her hands folding on her crossed legs delicately. It made you want to punch something despite the innocence to it, hating how beautiful she looked without much effort. Any man would be lucky to have her by their side. She was lovely to be around despite how badly you wanted to hate her now that she had him.
Why did she have to want Chanyeol?
“Jongin picked most of it. I know we got instant ramen though.” He shrugged his shoulders unceremoniously before his eyes fell to you, head lulling back against the seat like it was too much effort to lift as your eyes connected. “Your favorite.”
“It’s your favorite, not mine, Yeol.” You laughed and shook your head, folded arms falling over your stomach, Chanyeol’s legs stretching out across the floor of the car, kicking into one of yours playfully.
“Same difference.” He had that stupid sloppy grin on his lips, that one that could make you weak in the knees. You bumped your foot back into his, trying to fight back the quirking at the corners of your lips. “It’s a tradition for us now. We always make ramen at the cabin.”
“Because you like it.” You reminded with a laugh, recalling many nights spent slurping noodles down between bouts of laughter. Chanyeol usually ended up with chopsticks hanging from his lips like a walrus at some point if enough booze was involved. “And you’re horrible with change.”
“I am not!” He protested with a huff, his bottom lip puckering out as he reached over with his large palm to shove your knee.
“You are too.” Sehun chuckled from the driver's seat, his attention out the front windshield as he took a corner, the sharpness of it making your body slide slightly closer to Chanyeol’s. “I remember when you got a new apartment. Cried like a bitch about the stupid sofa you couldn’t take with you.”
“It was a good sofa.” Chanyeol defended, eyebrows furrowing as he flicked your knee again for good measure. You pushed at his side with a soft laugh to make him stop, though it only made his face brighten as he instead flicked your cheek this time. You shoved at him again, allowing him to capture one of your wrists as his other reached for your waist, tickling at the side.
“Stop it.” You couldn’t control the giggling that bubbled out as you squirmed backwards in the seat to no avail, his body following you as he leaned slightly over your figure, continuing the assault of tickles along your exposed stomach, even as you wiggled your hand free. His own deep laughs of amusement were puffing against your face, his hair tickling his forehead as his face crinkled up, Jongin’s snickering behind you a good indication he wasn’t going to help rescue you.
“Make me.” His voice sounded deep up so close, insides churning as you fought to get away from him, trying to ignore the way it made heat spread through your limbs. Your mouth felt incredibly dry, hands planting on his chest as you pushed him back finally, taking advantage of his humored state to catch your breath.
“Asshole.” Your huff only made him laugh harder, arm slinging around your shoulders to pull your body against his. It wasn’t a romantic moment, having leaned into Chanyeol’s side many times, and yet now it was making your ears ring. You two hadn’t been so close in so long now, his cologne teasing your senses, familiar and warm, the skin of your stomach feeling cold without his fingers dancing across it.
“Stop tormenting her, Chanyeol.” Tiffany’s eyes peered at the pair of you for a moment. “We’re almost there.”
Chanyeol held his hands up in innocence though there was a smirk on his lips as she turned back around. You shook your head, biting at your lip and staring forward as he leaned down closer to whisper a hair away from your ear.
“You look cute when you’re mad.”
His hand squeezed your shoulder when his eye dropped into a wink, the smile on his features easy as his attention turned out the window, giving you a chance to stare. His profile looked incredible even after spending the majority of the day cooped up in a car, hair messy but just enough to come across boyish and cute. He was wearing a baby blue worn out shirt from a festival you’d all gone to years ago, a smiley face sharpied scribbled on the shoulder in your scrawl. It wasn’t all that surprising he’d never had a hard time winning people over. It was impossible to not feel that magnetic energy he seemed to have mastered, it drew people to him like moths to a glowing flame.
The buzzing in your jacket pocket made him jump, a soft chuckle falling from your lips as you dug it out from the small space between your bodies, his arm still across the seats behind you.
Kyungsoo [18:36]:
How’s the drive going? Regret not taking a plane with me yet?
A grin tugged at your lips, head shaking as your fingers tapped along the screen, music on the radio welcome background noise.
To; Kyungsoo [18:37]:
Asshole.
Kyungsoo [18:38]:
Miss you too!
To; Kyungsoo [18:38]:
I don’t recall typing that…
Kyungsoo [18:39]:
You meant it tho.
To; Kyungsoo [18:41]:
Someone’s confident today aren’t they?
Kyungsoo [18:42]:
New Year new me.
A snort fell from your lips, your hand raising for a moment to cover your mouth from the way it made Jongin laugh beside you. He nudged your leg and you flipped him off, focusing back on your phone as you chuckled.
To; Kyungsoo [18:45]:
Soo.. it’s May…
Kyungsoo [18:46]:
Whatever.
The smile on your lips remained, fingers drumming against the glass from constant texts and responses, Kyungsoo’s dry humor something that always made you close. He was right up there with Chanyeol in the list of friends, though lately you’d been spending more time with him than Yeol. You made out once on the sofa at he and Jongin’s place during your third year of college and never spoke of it again after, equally happier as friends.
He’d asked you a few weeks ago if you liked Chanyeol and you denied it, but you couldn’t help but think he saw right through it. He was smart, overwhelmingly kind, and currently trying his best to send you a distraction because you were too stubborn to admit you needed one.
You took a glance at Chanyeol beside you when the car stopped at a red light, his arm no longer around your shoulders and instead folded on his lap, taking in the way his lips were pressed in a thin line, his wide eyes staring out the window at nothing in particular.
You wanted to reach out and touch his cheek, wanted to brush the stray hairs back off his forehead so you could press a kiss onto it. You wanted to be the one making a smile tug at his lips, wanted to wipe off the distant look in his eyes and listen to him pour out every thought he had. You wanted to be his.
But mostly, you wanted him to be yours.
[------]
True to his word, Chanyeol had made instant ramen for everyone soon as you got to the familiar cabin, the air welcoming but different with Tiffany’s laughter floating through the halls. The entire time you piled around the kitchen island slurping noodles you were preoccupied with the ghosts of years past, of the nights you’d spent sat on the floor of Chanyeol’s room laughing so hard you both cried. To the days you’d spent out in the woods getting lost, smoking and drinking til you found yourselves under the stars. It all felt so long ago now, like decades had past and all too suddenly you were further from Chanyeol than you ever thought you would be.
You’d had something for so long without realizing how much more it meant to you until it was drifting away. Life was cruel that way, in fact it was starting to become a common occurrence.
You’d found yourselves sitting around the tv in the basement, Jongin fiddling with the camcorder he’d discovered, Sehun snickering from his spot on the folding chair beside you. You’d gotten stuck on the sofa beside Chanyeol, Tiffany on his lap with his arms wrapped snugly around her middle, the two of them whispering exchanges that made the other laugh. It was making you sick, the continuous drinks you’ve been downing only helping slightly to distract you.
Being in that house with your friends you had never felt so alone, surrounded by pictures and memories of times when you were so naive to what your future would turn out to be.
Back then you were reckless and wild, carefree like a summer breeze even when the world was on fire around you. Like somehow put together the group of you was invincible, every photo and note taped up to the walls little trophies of your conquests. You had all been so naive, so unaware of just how much the world was going to hurt you.
How much you were going to hurt each other.
Your eyes drifted around the basement as you took a drag from the joint between your fingers, craning forward to pass it to Jongin on the floor, the smoke hanging in the stale air. The cabin was nice and cozy, not too big and not too small, something about the wood panel walls reminding you of something from the eighties. The posters taped up over by the stereo didn’t exactly help, sparse furniture and a tacky neon rug to match.
“Finally!” Sehun cheered, nearly falling over in his chair when he took a swig from his beer, the only one more intoxicated than you were, judging from the lazy giggle as he took the joint from Jongin’s free hand. The tv was grainy before switching to the camera’s footage as leaned back on his palms, Sehun then jamming the volume up from the remote.
“You’re both going to look like morons.” Taemin’s voice was the first to be heard over the speakers, a smile spreading on your lips as the camera pointed to a younger image of your friend in the bathroom mirror, his head tilting to the side so he could flash it a smile, the sound of boys giggling in the background making your heartbeat quicken.
With a move of the camera everyone in the basement was laughing, Tiffany smacking at Chanyeol’s thigh with an innocent grin, his cheeks turning pink as his eyes rolled. You felt him take a glance at you but didn’t look over, focusing on the screen, Chanyeol’s younger face spread in a big smile, towel tied around his shoulders and head covered in bleach, ears sticking out. Next to him sat Baekhyun, in a similar look, his arms folded casually over his hips as he winked at someone behind the camera, making your throat restrict.
It’d been so long since you’d seen him, sure there was the occasional text but that was as far as it went. You weren’t one to reminisce on old photos, the memories enough to remind you of all the things you’d had and lost. His eyes were half moons, lips spread wide so his gorgeous cheeky grin could show, a few odd tattoos dotting his arms. His laughter floating from the tv speakers made the air feel thick, like you were being shoved underwater, spine tingling with distant memories of nights that was all you heard.
It would be a lie to say you didn’t miss him.
You’d both given too much of yourselves to the other, both carried around pieces of the other's heart you’d broken too many times to count. Somewhere deep down inside you there was a little voice saying you’d never been enough for someone like Baekhyun, someone so full of life and spontaneity, someone who could shine so brightly even when he felt the opposite.
Even when things got bad he had still remained your whole world, and now, even with years having passed since you were together, he still held a place that no one else had quite reached. He’d grabbed your heart in his fist and squeezed so hard it left a permanent bruise, one you were reminded of by the way it thumped every time you got close to someone else.
Maybe it was like that with everyone real first intense love. Maybe a part of you would always wonder all those what ifs. Maybe a part of you would always question if somewhere down the line things would come back together, if that was why you’d still think of him on nights when it rained too hard and craved his arms around you in bed.
The truth was letting go was hard.
Especially when you were unsure of where you would land.
“He was right, you did both look like idiots.” Jongin snorted from his spot on the floor, leaning further back to stare at Chanyeol, Tiffany in a bout of laughter as the recording continued playing, panning to Sehun asleep on the sofa, face smushed up in a way that was making Taemin snicker behind the lens.
“She bet us we wouldn’t.” Chanyeol defended with a gentle laugh, his elbow nudging you and eliciting a strained smile. You almost felt like you were being taunted, reminded of the man you lost and stuck sitting beside the one you were losing now. The one you were too stupid to realize you had feelings for until he was in love with someone else.
In love with.
“I didn’t think you’d actually do it.” You reached over the arm of the sofa with a half hearted laugh, shaking the thought away and pretending it didn’t make your throat constrict, grabbing the bottle of tequila and taking a large swig, ignoring how Chanyeol looked at you when you turned in his direction, holding it out. He narrowed his eyes but took it regardless, taking a sip before passing it to Tiffany and continuing it down the line, your gaze tearing away from him as you relaxed back into the sofa, deciding to pretend everything was fine.
Because that had been working so well so far.
The footage jumped on screen to a bit later, the camera now focused on a younger you half on top of Chanyeol over the sink, trying to wash the toner out of his hair as he laughed hysterically at something. Taemin was also laughing, your figure turning and flipping him off despite the grin on your lips.
It was strange, seeing yourself so happy in a space you now felt so empty, a heavy weight falling in your chest as you watched, Chanyeol’s body on screen rising as you rose a towel to his head and told him to dry it off. The pair of you looked so easy, so effortlessly close as you spoke by the bathroom sink about nothing in particular, the smile on your face one you hadn’t seen in such a long time. You missed it, craved being that close to Chanyeol, desperate for your best friend even though it was half your own fault there was distance between you at all.
You longed for a few years ago, when you had no idea you’d end up here, completely in love with the idiot. Back then the only things you felt when you saw Chanyeol were comfort and happiness, and you couldn’t help but wonder if maybe this was inevitable. Everyone would always comment on how close you two were, something Baekhyun had always hated and perhaps somewhat resented.
Their relationship was complicated, to say the least, but it had been more intense back then when you were the point in the middle. Every time Baekhyun would break your heart Chanyeol would get just a little bit more mad, and every time you got back together Baekhyun would get just a little more angry you’d gone to Chanyeol for comfort. Like a horrible game of ping pong but your heart was what was being slammed between the paddles in their hands. Chanyeol was protective of you, and Baekhyun had always been possessive.
Once things ended for good they didn’t speak for a good two months, only letting things go after you’d assured Chanyeol several times it was pointless for him to hate his friend just because of you.
It was making you question a lot, now that you were coming to terms with your somewhat strong feelings for your best friend. Making you wonder why he’d been so protective. Making you wonder if maybe some point way back when he’d felt this same way about you, and you’d just been too stuck up Baekhyun’s ass to notice.
The thought made you shift uncomfortably, feeling like you were fidgeting in your seat, eyes glued to the tv but not taking in what was playing.
It would be your luck really, to catch feelings for someone long after they’d moved onto someone else, long after any whisper of a chance you had was carried away by life. Chanyeol had stuck beside you through so much, and from beginning to end never turned on you once, always loyal and always there even when he wasn’t the happiest with your choices.
You loved each other, only now one of you did just a bit more.
It was like being with Baekhyun all over again.
Only this time the guy didn’t seem to be in love with you at all.
No one else seemed to notice your unease, Jongin turning the volume up even more as Taemin continued to record on screen, once again a few hours later judging by the dimmed lighting on the television. He was walking into the kitchen, Chanyeol stood near the sink with his eyes peering out the window, hair a bright white blonde and making Sehun snicker from his chair in the present.
“Shut up.” Chanyeol huffed, voice husky as he took another sip from the tequila bottle before setting it back on the floor, your eyes glancing down to his thigh, the heat from it making you feel too close despite the gap between your bodies, much like in the car earlier in the day.
“What are you doing?” Taemin hummed, voice loud from how close he was to the camera, Chanyeol jumping from his position at the sink, large hands gripping the counter when he turned towards the approaching Taemin.
“Nothing.” He smiled lazily at the camera though it didn’t meet his eyes, his hand waving as Taemin pointed the camera out the window for a minute. You were sitting on the back porch across from a standing Baekhyun, the pair of you arguing judging by how much he was waving his arms around.
You vaguely remembered it, Baekhyun pissy you and Chanyeol had gone out for a few hours after the pair of you had an argument that afternoon. It was almost funny how stupid it was, in retrospect, how you’d both blow small issues into bigger deals because you were too scared to really address the issues you both had.
It was hard to think about, remembering the way you’d cried your eyes out on that back deck a good hour before he came back out and apologized, picturing his frown in bed that night as he played with your hair, replaying his voice whispering quiet apologies until the sun rose the next morning. Your emotions felt high, like your soul was tossed back into that moment and heart crumpled back under all that weight, in an instant that naive girl so desperate not to lose the person she so desperately wanted.
And it was beginning to feel like history was repeating itself.
“Ah.” Taemin hummed and moved the camera away awkwardly, it cutting off and jumping to later in the night, Jongin clearing his throat and fast forwarding some footage of Sehun playing a board game, your eyes dragging over to Chanyeol.
He was already looking at you, his lips parted slightly like he wanted to say something but no words came out, your heartbeat in your ears, the alcohol making everything start to feel like too much. His knee bumped into yours when his lips closed, your eyes moving down to the touch as Tiffany’s hand landed on top of his and squeezed lightly, like a net swinging out to catch the butterflies as soon as they flew, like a bullet tearing through your insides and killing that last bit of strength you’d been gripping to all night.
“I think I’m gonna get some air, I drank too much.” You rushed the words out as you stood, bending to grab your phone off the floor as the tv flashed with images of everyone at the beach. Chaneyol shifted slightly from his spot on the sofa though Tiffany didn’t budge, everyone else shouting good nights as they focused on the tv.
“Are you okay?” Chanyeol’s eyebrows were scrunched together slightly, a bit of concern clear on his face, desperation bubbling in your gut as your feet backed towards the stairs.
“I’m fine.” The smile on your lips didn’t feel very reassuring but you turned nonetheless, carrying yourself up the stairs as quickly as you could manage with the slight sway in your step. The house felt too crowded, body moving towards the back door without too much thought, the stumble in your feet causing your hip to bump into a dresser while sliding on your slippers, a quiet curse tumbling from your lips.
The air outside was quiet, a few quiet crickets chirping off near the lake, moon bright in the sky with stars as a backdrop, a slight breeze blowing as you sunk to the wooden deck’s surface, legs crossing and eyes floating shut. Your ears were ringing, like the sound you hear right after a bomb blows up in your face, fingertips thumping from the drum of your heartbeat. Tonight was quickly becoming too much.
It was all becoming too much.
You felt lost, unable to turn to the person you usually sought out for advice and comfort, because there wasn’t a possible scenario where things ended the way you’d like. He was loyal to the people he loved and any idiot could see he had feelings for the girl constantly at his side. You’d have to be blind to miss the way they watched each other, so really what could you expect him to do?
Leave a happy relationship for his fucked up friend with heaps of emotional damage?
“Yeah right.” You mumbled the words with a quiet laugh, one that sounded sad when it reached your ears, lashes fluttering back open to take in the moon, a heavy emotion settling over you. It felt a lot like giving up, like you were accepting how strong your feelings were and hating them instantaneously. It felt like giving into that clawing sadness desperate to pull you over the deep end and not care who it took out in the process. It felt like you were becoming hollow, like a balloon with a hole, oxygen slowly leaking. You were reaching your emotional limit, too many things affecting the parts of you that remained the most vulnerable. The parts that were the hardest to repair.
The parts that are already broken.
You didn’t bother turning your head when the door creaked open then clicked shut behind you, hand rummaging in your sweat pants pocket before pulling out another joint, lighting it and pulling your knees up towards your chest while taking a drag. His footsteps were familiar, a sound you could pick out of millions without a moment of thought, body sinking down next to yours and casting a shadow on the railing.
“Is this going to become our new thing?” Chanyeol’s voice was easy, like he didn’t definitely just come out to check if you were okay, instead seeming like you’d bumped into each other on the street and were catching up.
“What?” Your brows furrowed though your gaze didn’t move from the moon, nerves prickling up your neck the longer you resisted the urge to look at him.
“Me coming outside to make sure you’re alright. I mean first the hotel, now here…” He was teasing, all but hearing the smile on his lips as he plucked the smoke from between your fingers, head finally lulling to the side to watch as he took a quick puff, a small smile pulling onto your lips despite yourself when he blew a smoke ring in your direction.
“You don’t always have to come check on me, you know.” You rose an eyebrow as you passed off the joint, pausing your speaking to take a puff, the silence around you helping to slow down the erratic beating in your chest. “I’m a big girl, I’ll survive.”
“You’re my girl, of course I have to check on you.” He laughed with a shake of his head when he said it, so unaware of how it made your heart twist with longing, desperate so suddenly for that to be true. “So…do you want to talk about it?”
His eyes were on yours, face gentle and presence warm, something about it just making you more depressed, a sigh leaving your lips which he took as his answer, his head bobbing up and down a few times quietly.
“Just come here, then.” He held his arm out, your lips pulling just a bit upward as your body leaned into his warm chest, your legs folding to the side while he tangled his in front of himself. His arm lowered to wrap around your middle, palm resting on your bicep where his thumb rubbed a few gentle circles. He smelled incredible, the scent of his laundry detergent mixed with that cologne he always wore, your head resting just beside his neck, a quiet falling over the pair of you as you watched the moon.
It’d been to long since you’d had a quiet moment with him, just the two of you, let alone one where you felt so safe with him, guard finally lowered enough to let yourself be comforted by the one making you so self tortured in the first place.
“I know that something’s been bothering you, and I know that, for whatever reason, you don’t want to tell me about it.” His voice was more quiet, his thumb stilling as he paused to think about whatever he wanted to say next. “And that’s okay, I just..I just want you to know I’m here, whenever you’re ready to.”
The deep tone of his voice with his quiet timbre made his chest rumble slightly under where your arm was pressed. He was getting to you in a way only he seemed to be able to, chipping away at that armor you always wore, unaware that you were hiding something beneath for both of your good.
Because you’d rather have this than nothing at all, rather be able to wrap your arms around his stomach and hug him when you felt alone in the world than lose him completely. Maybe you’d never get to be with him like that, maybe you’d never get to know how it would feel to be the center of Chanyeol’s world, but at least in moments like now, snuggled into his chest under a sky of stars, you could pretend.
“Thanks, Yeol.” You hummed the words out, your head lifting so you could look at his face again, bodies remaining close together as he tilted his chin down to look back. There wasn’t much space between your faces, the moonlight making that soft smile on his face all the more angelic, his lashes fluttering just once before he spoke.
“I love you, you know.” He all whispered it, staring right into your eyes like he was actually looking at your soul, the crickets chirping quietly as the background noise, like a moment you wanted to replay forever just so you could remember hearing him say it.
“I love you too, Chanyeol.” His lips turned upwards just enough when you whispered back to make your heart skip a beat, the meaning behind your words lost to his naïve mind, but you let yourself feel it nonetheless, just for a moment. “More than you know.”
Another beat of peaceful silence fell over the pair of you, Chanyeol’s eyes drifting from your eyes to your mouth and lingering there for a moment, breathing slow, his mouth parting long enough for his tongue to slowly wet his lips. He hesitated before speaking, something going on in his mind you couldn’t read, his arm not around you lifting so he could shove his hair off his forehead.
“Feels weird being here now, doesn’t it?” He looked away from you to stare up at the sky, his eyes looking bright despite the dark surroundings, grip on you tightening just a little when you tried to move upright, like he wanted to keep you where you were just a bit longer. You were happy to obliged, simply shifting your legs before settling back against his chest, his figure relaxing under your touch “The cabin I mean, without Tae. Hell, even without Baekhyun.”
His grip on your waist grew slack before he was stretching out, laying flat on his back and looking at you expectantly, body taking its place beside his under the glittered sky, hands folding on top of your stomach as you both stared up.
“Really weird, like somethings missing. I guess things are.” You turned slightly on your side when the breeze blew, so you were cuddled against his chest, his arm moving slightly so it was resting under your neck. “It’s strange being here without him.”
“You miss him?” His voice was quiet, like he was scared to wake up the world at rest all around you.
“Sometimes.” You tore your gaze away from him, draping your arm across his stomach with a sigh before continuing speaking. “It’s weird knowing I’ll see him soon. That I’ll actually be in the same room as him, after this long. I haven’t seen him since we broke up, it’s just a lot to think about.”
Chanyeol was quiet for a moment, taking in your honesty before he was turning his head to look over at you, still handsome even at the strange angle. Your heart was hammering against your ribcage, a subtle reminder of those feelings bubbling under the surface, nervous being so close, anxious letting anything out.
“He misses you too, asks about you whenever we talk.” His eyes locked onto yours when you turned your head back to face him, realizing how small space was left between you when you smelled the alcohol lingering on his breath. “He’d be an idiot not to miss you.”
“I dunno, Yeol. I didn't always treat him well.”
“He didn’t treat you well either, like shit most of the time honestly.” He laughed lightly but it sounded bitter, his head shaking slightly. “I’d get so fucking mad at him, everytime you’d come to me crying your eyes out, you didn’t deserve it. And you’d forgive him each time and I just never understood it. I never got why you’d go back to someone who treated you like that instead of finding someone else.”
“Like who, Chanyeol.” You laughed lightly, his eyes drifting to your lips before moving back up to your eyes, a small smile pulling on his lips. “Didn’t exactly have guys lining up to steal me away.”
“Oh please.” He snorted, his chest shaking as he chuckled, his arm bending behind your neck to move air off your face the wind had blown over. His fingertips brushed your cheek in the process, making your throat constrict though you tried your best to hide it, swallowing thickly. “You can have anyone you want. Could then can now.”
“Considering I only hang out with you and the guys I don’t think that’s true.” You rolled your eyes, fingers bunching some of the fabric of his shirt on his stomach absentmindedly with a soft laugh. “Can’t really picture me and Sehun on a date, or Jongin taking me anywhere.”
“Well, what about me?” The grin on his lips made your stomach do a flip, suddenly very aware of how close your bodies were, how his fingers were still messing with the ends of your hair, how his girlfriend was just inside a set of stairs down.
“You have a girlfriend.”
“I don’t mean now, I mean then.” His eyebrow rose just a little, ears ringing while the sounds of the crickets went silent, like the conversation had caught their interest and they wanted to hear every syllable. He rolled slightly, so he was resting on his side, an inch between your bodies though your arm slipped in between to press against his stomach. He placed his head on his palm, elbow against the wooden panels of the deck below, focused on you and nothing else like a spotlight was shining in your face. “I was there, we were close, I took you out all the time.”
You paused, mind going a mile a minute for what to say, a thousand thoughts drifting to your tongue and back up to your brain before a response could be formed. Because what were you supposed to say? You didn’t think about wanting to kiss him until a few months ago? You didn’t realize you were all but in love with him until he was in love with someone else? Didn’t have a reason for not wanting him then past how wrapped up you were in another boy who still haunted you now?
“I never knew you wanted to be an option.”
“Please.” His laugh was soft, short, almost a little sad, something about it making your chest constrict like you were being suffocated slowly. “Never wondered why I hated you with him so much then? Why was I so eager to get you away from him every time you’d fight? He was my friend but I was definitely a bit jealous, I thought that was obvious.”
You were silent, somewhat in shock, every moment you’d shared with him replaying in your brain for you to analyze, every moment when your touches lingered too long and bodies drifted too close. All those years you spent so blind to something right in front of you because you were focused on something else.
It felt cruel, like torture to know you were too late for something that slipped through your grasp without your knowledge. You’d gotten it ripped away before you got a chance to enjoy it, hell to try it. It was like the universe was laughing in your face, throwing what you wanted right back to you but with a twist as sharp as a knife.
“So…You liked me?” His eyes shut when you spoke, free hand lifting to scrub at his eyelids as he took a moment to respond.
“Maybe, yeah. I guess so.”
“Well…what happened?”
“What do you mean?” His eyelids drifted back open, seeming slow, like you were living in a moment played in slow motion, vaguely aware of the rhythm of your heartbeat in your eardrums, voices quiet but feeling too loud.
“You have a girlfriend, I’m assuming you stopped liking me at some point.” You paused, watching as his eyes drifted across your face, lungs shriveling in your chest. “Right?”
“I don’t know.” He hummed the words, tentative and slow, a few pieces of hair blowing back onto his forehead when the wind whipped past again. It sent goosebumps along your already shivering skin, nerves set to the max, hanging on every syllable he said like an addict with their next hit. “Can’t say I don’t ever think about it at all.”
“Oh?” You weren’t sure if it sounded as desperate to him as it did to you, almost like you were begging for him to kiss you or knock you out, something to sedate your insides.
“Sometimes it just…”He trailed off, voice going mute as his lips remained parted, his hand combing his locks back again before moving forward, slow but feeling quick as lighting before it was grazing across your cheek, both brushing away your hair and leaving trails of fire along your skin. “Pops in my head.”
You couldn’t bring yourself to speak, scared if you did it would snap you both out of whatever haze you’d sunk into, there in your own little world for just a moment, wrapped up in no one but each other. You felt like you were dreaming, about to be shaken awake and snapped out of something too good to be true, wanting to memorize the feeling of his touching you so delicately forever.
“Does it..Have you ever thought of that too?” Chanyeol was barely whispering, face moved just a centimeter closer, letting you see every freckle and curve of his face.
“Sometimes.” You matched his tone, body temperature feeling too high for the chill of the night air, suddenly feeling dead sober with the weight of the conversation seeming to spill out without much thought, without concern for the consequences. “Sometimes I do.”
“Did, or do?” His thumb brushed your bottom lip.
“Do.”
“Babe?”
Tiffany’s voice from inside made your bodies bolt apart, heart in your ears as you whipped into an upright position, Chanyeol clearing his throat and sitting up as the door swung open behind you, a relieved sigh sounding and making guilt nibble at your insides.
“I couldn’t find where you went. You guys okay?” She was smiling when you turned to glance at her, so unaware of how close you’d been to the boy she loved, oblivious to the words you’d been whispering you didn’t imagine she’d be thrilled to hear. “I was gonna head to bed but wanted to make sure everything was alright first.”
“I’ll come with you.” Chanyeol smiled easily as he stood, like he didn’t have a care in the world, Tiffany nodding as she turned to head back inside after sending you a wave, your eyes glued to Chanyeol’s back as he paused in the doorway for just a moment. It was like he wanted to turn and look at you but decided not to, slowly moving in through the door and shutting it with a quiet click that felt thundering in the sudden empty silence.
You felt sober but drunk all at once, eyes burning but dry of tears as you turned back around and tried to focus on the moon, struggling to calm down the pace of your heartbeat as you mumbled out to no one but yourself.
