You couldn't even get out of bed because you felt like you were going to throw up. The taste that you had it in your mouth was the same taste waking up to wisdom teeth removed with blood everywhere. You suspected that you bit your tongue when you slept. You didn't go to sleep until 5am because CPS, EMTs, Sergeants were all up in your room then you had to speak to a counselor for an hour. Then afterwards CPS woke you up. You tossed and turned all night and all of your dreams ended up you hyperventilating.
You took a shower and thought the upset stomach will pass. No, it made it worst. You wanted to vomit and not only that your chest was tighten.
You went to counseling today. You met the person that was on the phone with you at night. You told her about your schemes. You told her about your flaws. You told her your weaknesses. You were so frustrated at yourself that you ended up tearing up. You told her one day you're going to crack and the roots to why you're even gonna crack.
Your heart was beating faster, your stomach wasn't getting easier, but you continued to speak what you've never really spoken before.
She helped you, she listened, she asked questions, and she gave you feedback.
As you thought, you've never accepted the fact that your two best friends died your freshman year of high school. You play it off with a smile and fake positive thoughts that you implanted in your head. You tried to hide it, you hid it very well to your friends, but to yourself, you couldn't escape it. You're one of those people who wants to be there for people, but you refuse to have anyone close to you. It's a one-sided friendship with you. Once when someone has potential, you destroy it because you're so afraid. You're so afraid that they will experience the same feelings as you did because you're so sure that one day you'll crack.
You like to tell people that you're gonna push them away because you believe that you should warn people. You just never told them what tactics you'll use. And you accomplished pushing this person away, but this time it's different.
It became a deviant form of regret. Not like the other times you've done this.
You answered to whatever came to your mind and all the sudden you find yourself piercing into your left arm with your nails. You're not surprised. You became even more frustrated.
Now all you're looking for is closure.
And that's your next objective.
