#n:ostalgia

[dd-himchan]

9/20/2013 - Saturday

Dear Diary,

Today…well I guess technically yesterday, I got into a bit of an argument with them. I wanted to see how they were doing and to be social because I’m not a hateful person. Plus well I do have custody of our kids. But right away they said something about a group of people that I was recently introduced to and it was inappropriate. Instead of snapping, I merely said cheerfully that they were actually pretty cool and chalked it up to an awkward coincidence.

What’s my response? Pretty much getting told to fuck off.

The old me probably would have gotten sad, said ‘okay’, and walked away. Although the new me? Well part of me was pissed, but what threw me off was that I was partially happy. I can’t even explain it exactly (though I have some theories). Not many people would get excited from getting yelled at by their ex. However, I chewed them out. It wasn’t nasty and name calling because I’m not into that petty bullying crap, but it was to a point it’s never gotten to before. I was stern, a bit passive aggressive, and bluntly told them not to do that shit to me again.

And damn did it feel good. I think I was so eager that it was happening because I got the chance to prove myself. It was like a challenge…or more like a stepping stone. After realizing all the shit I went through for other people – mainly my ex – it felt empowering to stand up for myself and actually evoke an apology.

On another note, I approached one of the newer faces around this place. I properly introduced myself and we chatted quite a bit. It was more than just typical conversations too, as it was one more in depth. It was nice. We got along well and agreed on a lot of things. I should try to go around making nice with more of the other employees here because I would like to get to know everyone a lot more and be on a friendlier level with all of them.

This is my reminder and my goal: tomorrow, step outside your comfort zone, Himchan. Talk to anyone and everyone that you bump into. Learn something new about each of them.

김힘찬 | 1:44am

[dd-himchan]

9/14/2013 - Saturday

Dear Diary,

I wish it was easier to weed out the real people from the fake ones. Sometimes you can think you’ve met a really amazing person – maybe a friend, someone you are intimate with, or a coworker – and you invest your time in them. You make unforgettable memories, express emotion, begin to actually like them and sometimes they turn out nothing like the person you’ve already grown accustomed to. The disappoint you, make those memories painful, and those feeling unbearable. Most of all it leaves you confused. Their sudden 180 is at first surprising and you think, “What did I do wrong?”

But it’s those people that aren’t genuine that did and do wrong. One should not have to take any blame for another’s flaws and mistakes. It’s disgusting that a person is allowed to be so manipulative and so deceiving with a false persona. I wish these people came with a warning sign sometimes. It’d make it easier to avoid getting hurt and screwed over. You could warn your friends to prevent them from later torment too.

However this is reality. Not everything can be avoided. You win some, you lose some. Some people you met and you’ll regret ever knowing them. But there are others that you wouldn’t trade for anything. I guess I’ve experienced and seen it a lot, especially just sitting back and watching other’s from afar. It’s just sad how people can be your best friend one moment and then totally flip with no good reason to suddenly start treating you like you never existed or that you aren’t worth their time anymore.

…good grief. I bottle up a bit too much. I guess what I’m trying to say, the point I’m trying to make, is just be yourself. If people don’t like you, then they don’t like you. Move on and find someone that will like you for who you are. Don’t twist and change who you are to adapt to other’s wants. Anyway, time for me to see if Yunho is up for a drink. That is one person that will be one hundred with me always.

김힘찬 | 11:51pm

[dd-himchan]

9/11/2013 - Wednesday

Dear Diary,

I talked to them again. I don't know why I even agreed to it. Maybe because I've been waiting for a month to get the closure that I never official received. So many unanswered questions. Funny how things are still like that now.

Honestly though, less than being confused, for the first time in a long time I was actually livid. Granted that I'm usually never actually irate unless provoked with anyone, but with them, I always acted like the nice guy. I always kissed their ass. It was me that always had to change what I was saying, what I was doing, and even what I was thinking.

I had enough. I was sick of it. It took over a year...a whole damn year of our relationship to realize the person that I had become. I became very absorbed in our relationship. I would do anything in my right mind to make them absolutely happy. It was too the point where I was closing everything out that didn't revolve around us and our family. I wasn't meeting new people. I was distant to acquaintances and didn't put much effort in. I was lazy and uninspired. I'm almost positive my closest of friends noticed it, but maybe they felt it wasn't their place to speak up.

Though I encourage it. I feel terrible that a year later I only started to realize it. I think if I had someone I trusted slap some sense into me, maybe our relationship would have been bett-- okay maybe it would have ended easier and before we became stuck.

Maybe I would have been blind to the advice. Maybe I would have taken it. However, at least I know now of the mistake I made. I'll try damn hard not to let them happen again. I know that I should never have to change for any single person in this world. I should be able to act the same around my friends as I would a partner. I know that I have to stand up for myself. Heed good advice and weed through the bad. And to always trust my gut instincts.

I got off on a tangent.

Anyway, I did stand up for myself. It was hard because I'm not much for conflict and I cared about them a lot. I'm not entirely confident either because of all the degrading shit I've been through, but I sure didn't let them put me down today. As hard as they tried to make me feel like the jerk and to make me feel like I was the bad guy. I wasn't going to take any blame for that relationship ending. I wasn't the one picking fights every day. I never once fucking belittled them. Throughout being treated like trash every single day, I still fought like a pathetic fool to save what barely remained of our relationship.

And when they sarcastically told me, "You're right." I replied back, "I know."

I think I gained some of my confidence back.

김힘찬 | 2:05am

[dd-himchan]

9/1/2013 - Sunday

Dear diary,

Wow the first of the September already...time is flying.

So a few days ago, there was an employee—party? Gathering? I don’t exactly know what to call it. And I don’t know why exactly I chose to go, but I did. It was nice seeing Yunho show up too, since I know that the man can be a bit anti-social very much like myself. Perhaps it’s why we get along so well. Or well that could be my imagination.

Anyway, I’m not sure if I regret going. The other employees that were there found out that I have twins. I have no idea how the topic even came up. Suddenly things turned to talking about knocking women up and some said that they did not want any babies. And then Yunho chipped in wondering if anyone knew about my own. (I’ll have to remind myself to throw him under the bus one day.)

It’s not that I want to keep them a secret because I love them too much. Hell, I dote on them all the time. I get emotional over them for stupid things that make me laugh now thinking about. But I guess I feel ashamed of myself. What kind of father sells his body to strangers? I wonder what they really thought about it…

Although part of me is relieved that they know. It’s like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I don’t have to hide this fact anymore. Now I can so openly babble on about my kids and show pictures. And I even promised Youngjae that I would let him and his boy—fiancé babysit…but only if I was there for supervision.

김힘찬 | 3:16pm

[dd-himchan]

8/26/2013 | Monday

Dear diary,

I thought about them today, actually a lot more than I care to admit. It’s still pretty hard even though I saw it all coming. I thought I gave myself time to prepare for it all. I figured that moving on was going to be easy, but it seems getting out of the rut, this hole I was pushed into, is a million times harder than expected. Easier said than done, right? That’s how it always goes…

What makes it harder is seeing relationships around me. I don’t know if envy is what I’m feeling or just a painful nostalgia. Nonetheless it is nice seeing the people closest to me happy, but it makes me think a lot. ‘What did I do wrong? Where did things start going downhill? Could I have done something to remedy it?’ Thoughts like these make me feel incredibly lonely. I could be in the middle of a crowded room, but still feel isolated.

I hate it. I don’t like feeling like that and I think it’s why those thoughts stay just as they are rather than me venting and opening up. It’s not the person I am. I’d much rather have the people around me laughing or having a good time, rather than feeling sympathetic or burdened. I think I just got too used to pushing painful feelings away and covering it up with a smile.

What makes is easier though? Knowing that I do have people in my life that are willing to listen and have already helped me enough. I’m so lucky to have friends like that in my life. And those two beautiful babies sleeping in the room down the hall make any smile a genuine one. The two that I would do anything for. And the two I should go check on now cause I think I heard a whine.

김힘찬 | 3:12am