#naochan rant

[wistfulvisionary]

I know back then I usually write stuff like this but I rarely write about them now cuz I'm pretty sure nobody is interested in seeing this but I just want to get it out. You can always blacklist naochan rant or just unfollow me if these posts make you uncomfortable. I won't stop ya.

[wistfulvisionary]

I have an intense desire to smash the internet. It says i'm connected but i can't even use the browser. I login on skype only to be unable to hold connection and keep getting disconnected. I really want those fiber optics to come in. The shitty net is getting shittier OTL. I maybe offline a lot if the net continues to be shitty until those fiber optics come in ;^;

[wistfulvisionary]

I'm so drained and tired. I also feel like crying..i don't know if i can keep going..i honestly admit this..I'm not okay..I'm empty now..

[wistfulvisionary]

[wistfulvisionary]

[wistfulvisionary]

I was watching a part from this movie called Kiss the Girls and Make Them Die with my brother and here's what I saw that just made me go WTF. [Under readmore so I don't clutter your dash]

The strangest thing was every other lady in the shot were standing but only one woman was kneeling. Yeah sure the ladies were standing sexily but she was the only one kneeling. And the device used to freeze them needs them to be lying down. I don't understand that all. What the even movie logic. This movie is a spoof movie anyways so I guess it's supposed to be illogical in some sense.

[wistfulvisionary]

This is something that's been on my mind for awhile now. Everyone has a fear. Even me. My fear? It's being alone. I don't want to be alone and the thought of it scares me. I sometimes wish I could just ask someone to stay and not leave me. Selfish of me isn't it..I end up hurting people because of my want to not be alone. I feel like I hurt the people around me. Nobody deserves someone like me because I am a terrible person. I wish everyone could be my friend but it's not that way. Not everyone's going to be your friend. It hurts me and I don't dare accept the reality of it..

I have a voice telling me all these things I don't want to hear sometimes. I push that voice away. Sometimes, I think it's telling me the cold harsh truth and I'm pushing it away because I can't accept it. I run away from the reality that I know and understand. I'm scared that accepting the truth will some how make me lose myself and the things I care about. And is that why I lie to myself? Who am I kidding really..I'm not really happy with certain things that I'm doing. Is that why I at times have no motivation to do them? It's like suddenly, the simplest thing like drawing becomes so hard to do..even when I do draw I end up with things like this:

It's depressing isn't it? The previous week, I wondered where the real me is. Indeed, where is the real me? Being my old self isn't going to bring the real me back, I believe. I have to find a way to be me that makes me happy and stop hiding behind a face that I put on for people. I must search deep in myself where the real me lies.

I'm sorry everyone..I should probably shut up now..I'm just a terrible person really..

[wistfulvisionary]

Just one more day. I'm so close to reaching the end of this. I'm excited and yet a little afraid. Will I be alright? Will I?