the other day i talked a bit about how she sees herself/her self esteem and her parentsi wanna yap more. this time more about how her dynamic with gabriela (including her view on love as a whole + more on her self esteem/how she sees herself). its a lottt cus i like her and i like yapping about her :)
tw for (non-sexual) grooming, abuse, and violations of bodily autonomy
nastyas mutation is regeneration. fed up with her parents neglect, she makes up her mind that the facility would take better care of her. regeneration is Very Useful, after all!! so! she runs away and turns herself in. gabriela becomes her caretaker.
during her first few weeks there, she really regrets turning herself in. its so different from what shes used to. she also feels like gabrielas a giant loser at the beginning. she feels like shes made the wrong choice. but !! shes an 01 !! the highest ranking that a mutant can be. shes the most important. that has to count for something, right ??
i think gabriela was the nicest she ever was to nastya during that time. it wasnt lovebombing exactly cus gabrielas, like .. shes not very good at manipulating people lol. shes kinda ass at it. the only reason she manages to really get in nastyas head is cus , by this point, nastya would believe anyone if they told her that they loved her. shes so desperate for any proof that shes not completely unloveable. gabriela wasnt even being all that nice to her, but it was more than what nastya was used to, so it was enough. after a while she became more clinical/distanced, but by that point, nastya already latched onto her.
gabrielas not THAT different from nastyas parents, really? save for the experiments ofc. she materially provides for nastya, even gets her smth extra every now and then, but theres very little genuine connection (other than from nastyas side). i do think she cares about nastya, at least a little, but that just makes it so much worse that shes willing to do all this to her imo.
nastya has breakdowns sometimes. or, as gabriela calls them, tantrums. lets say shes supposed to take part in an experiment that she knows is gonna hurt. she refuses. in response, gabriela leaves, hands her off to someone else and she refuses to see her until she changes her mind. nastya hates being abandoned like that, so it doesnt usually take very long until she relents. objectivelly, gabriela doesnt need her permission. she could sedate her, restrain her, etc. but her agreement, no matter how forced, makes things easier ! eventually nastya realises that she'll end up agreeing to let gabriela do whatever she wants, so, as time goes on, she stops refusing. she still hates it tho.
i also think gabriela would just generally be very cold when nastya has her breakdowns and such... not necessarily malicious . i dont think shed yell at her or lay her hands (other than in the operating room lol) on her. its more like near complete dismissal. no support. which sucks cus nastya would break down pretty often imo, and she's also completely emotionally dependant on gabriela.
shes the only person that nastya ever really gets to hang out with ? like . she eats lunch and such with other mutants, probably sometimes hangs around them, but i dont really see her forming a genuine bond with anyone. after all, shes an 01. theyre 02s and 03s! shes above being friends with them! its an objective fact that theyre below her! besides, she has gabriela. who else could she need?
the reason why nastya doesnt question gabriela when she does fucked up stuff is that she lacks any point of reference as to what healthy love looks like. as i mentioned, her parents were emotionally neglectful, and she didnt even rlly have any other friends. so, even when gabriela does things that are, to us, obviously abusive, nastya doesnt really have a reason to question it. when gabriela says that shes only hurting nastya bc she cares about her, that she wouldnt be doing so if she didnt, she cant articulate why she doesnt like it. so. she doesnt. cus its easy to convince her that shes being ridiculous.
she doesnt rlly let herself question whether gabriela is lying to her cus What Would She Even Do if the answer turned out to be yes. lets say she does some introspectoin and she accepts that she hates everything thats being done to her. What Does She Do. she turned herself in. its 'her fault' - shed feel that way, at least. she cant back out now. she knew going in that she wouldnt be able to leave. shed be trapped and miserable. might as well be trapped and not completely miserable yknow ..
her complete reliance on gabriela in this regard makes it so that nastya gets very attached to her very fast. too much. when gabrielas sick (or doesnt come into work for whatever other reason), nastya freaks out . breaks down. i can see her refusing to eat/leave her room. i think shed be fine for a day on her own, maybe two, but shed hateee being alone . she wouldnt be able to handle being apart from the only person that 'loves' her .
whats interesting imo is that gabriela rarely ever hurts nastya out of malice. she gets annoyed with her, a lot, but her approach towards her is very clinical/distanced. you might think that a labrat is cute but its still a labrat. gabriela wants to do Good Science. thats all. its so . like. nastyas never gonna be the same after this, after she runs away. shes never gonna forget any of this. but, to gabriela, its just another tuesday. lets pelt her with rocks
nastya already has a pretty low self esteem before turning herself in, but all this basically incinerates it. she now believes that shes only of any use when shes in pain, when she doesnt want it. thats when she deserves love the most - the only time, maybe. shes unloveable in all other circumstances - she has to be, or she wouldnt have to go through this. this couldnt have been for nothing.
in the timelines where she runs away and doesnt die gruesome deaths, she has a very hard time maintaining healthy relationships cus theyre so unfamiliar to her. its hard getting used to. its . like . she knows shes not smart, and at her core, she knows people dont enjoy her presence. she knows theyd rather that she wasnt there. she knows theres a reason for that, but she cant figure it out and it frustrates her so so bad. she knows theres smth wrong with her but no matter how much she tries to get rid of it, whatever it may be, it wont go away. it only intensifies after all this and she hates that.
NONE of this concious btw shes never doing any kind of introspection. she just kinda feels bad all the time and doesnt have the words to articulate why. cus she doesnt know. shes trying to believe in what gabrielas saying. but its Hard when shit sucks such ass
in many ways she does enjoy hanging out with gabriela . she likes showing her miku songs, telling her about ohshc, chatting with her . although its more like talking At her , cus gabrielas not very responsive. she likes it when gabriela braids her hair. ofc shed like it if gabriela was nicer , more talkative, but this is what she gets so this is who she'll take. beggars cant be choosers !!!!
like ive mentioned, she only sees herself as loveable when she has something to give . when she can be used . cus theres no other way someone could ever like her otherwise. thats why it hurts her so bad when it turns out that gabriela is lying to her, that she doesnt actually love her. shes given gabriela all that she can. shes been trying so, so hard. but it wasnt enough. she has nothing more left to give - gabriela took all of it. what now? shes got nowhere left to go. i really cant describe just how awful finding this out makes her feel
she gives up on trying to find love after this . shes damaged goods . if people couldnt love her before, they definetely wont love her now.
like i said this was all just another tuesday for gabriela. i do think that after she sees just how badly her affected nastya, that she feels a bit shit, but its . like . girl you ruined nastyas life and all you do about it is feel bad about Yourself cus of it ??? i love gabriela i need to pelt her with rocks. might make another post on her in a similar style another day
i will say nastya does find a best friend after 💕💕u know him u love him. video. rawr accepts her and cares for her and gives her the space that she needs. theyre BESTIES !!! newtwishing 4EVERRRR
she bullies video a lot. attacks rawr with a knife one time and when rawr doesnt , like , hate her for it , she has a huge breakdown cus she realises that . like . he really doesnt mind that shes fucked in the head. he cares about her not despite it but including . when he gets a panic attack she just goes "STOP IT. LOSER" and punches him and that actually does help him so theyre kinda like a perfect match
its so nice that she has at least one ending where she makes it to adulthood. AND she does it after learing that shes loveable and has worth and deserves good things. AND its with my guy mp4. .. :3 videooo . auu . nastyaaa . auu . howls . ty for reading ヾ(≧▽≦*)o i wish i had a cool line to end on but newtwishing is super cool sooo . 👍