f1 drivers as john mulaney quotes
daniel ricciardo: "for those of you who don't know what it is, blackout drinking is when your brain goes to sleep, but your body gets all 'eye of the tiger' and soldiers on."
lando norris: “you remember being 12, when you’re like, ‘no one look at me or I’ll kill myself.’”
yuki tsunoda: “do you want a salad or fries? that’s like asking, ‘do you want to go for a jog or freebase cocaine?’”
alex albon: "my vibe is like, hey you could probably pour soup in my lap and I’ll apologize to you."
mick schumacher: “why do people shush animals? they just go ‘shhh, hey, shhh.’ they’ve never spoken.”
george russell: "just because you're accurate doesn't mean you're interesting."
lewis hamilton: "anyone who’s seen my dick and met my parents needs to die. I can’t have them roaming around.”
pierre gasly: "now I was raised Catholic...I don’t know if you can tell that from the everything about me.”
esteban ocon: “I’m like an iphone: it’s going to be worse versions of this every year, plus I get super hot in the middle of the afternoon for no reason.”
sebastian vettel: "we have a new house. it was built in the 20s, but it was flipped in 2014, which means it's haunted, but it has a lovely kitchen backsplash."
nicholas latifi: "I’m a very lucky person. I’m an idiot, and I’ve shoveled through life rather nicely so far, so I don’t feel like I deserve good treatment."
max verstappen: “I look back on being 17 and think, ‘oh my god, how did I not die?’”
charles leclerc: "I’ll keep all my emotions right here and then one day I’ll die.”
lance stroll: "I’m one of the worst drivers I’ve ever seen, and I just want you all to know that if you’re ever on the highway behind me, I hear you honking and I also don’t want me to be doing what I’m doing. I don’t like that I’m in that lane either, and I sure would like to get out of it!"
carlos sainz: "sometimes babies will point at me, and I don’t care for that shit at all.”
zhou guanyu: “you start doing something and you want it to be perfect right away, but most babies are born ugly and then they shake it out and you get beautiful toddlers.”
sergio perez: "late at night on the street, women will see me as a threat. that is funny, yeah! it’s kind of flattering in its own way, but at the same time, it’s weird because, like, I’m still afraid of being kidnapped."
kevin magnussen: "now I get to say, 'my wife' which is very exciting. it has a lot of power to it. it's fun to say 'my wife.’ I'm looking forward to saying it a lot. 'get away from my wife!' 'No one talk to my wife!' 'I didn't kill my wife!’”
valtteri bottas: “in terms of instant relief, cancelling plans is like heroin.”
fernando alonso: "here’s how easy it was getting away with bank robbery back in the 30s: as long as you weren’t still there when the police arrived, you had a 99% chance of getting away with it.”
honorary mention
nico hülkenberg: "I played basketball for five years and I was a benchwarmer all five years. if you were never a benchwarmer, I cannot express to you the humiliation of every saturday morning, putting on a pair of breakaway pants and never having a reason to break them away—then they’re just pants."
all feeder series drivers: “I am very small and I have no money, so you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under.”
