warnings: Angst, no death, mention of death of old self, mentions of homophobia, transphobia, enbyphobia, unrequited love, non-graphic panic attack
characters: Sympathetic Deceit, Mentioned Patton,
ships: past unrequited moxiet
summary: a story about nb!dee leaving behind their past life for a future with hope, inspired by “On the borderline”
AO3 Link HERE
I'm standing on the borderline
What should I bring or leave behind
From who I was
For who I'm gonna be?
---
It was time to leave. They couldn’t spend a minute more in this stuffy, judgmental town.
A chance to start over, to create a new version of themself. Leave him for dead. They got to move on. But, what was *them*, who where *they*?
---
I still haven't packed my bags
It's time to go
And I could not care less
So now, I’ll miss the train
A walk’s still progress made
I just won't arrive quite as fast
---
Packing almost seemed pointless but dutifully they shove what few possessions they care about into a duffel bag and backpack. There was more left behind than what they brought with them, but such could be said about all aspects of their life. Time to hit the road, they had places to go. Destination undecided.
---
I’m thinking way back
To where I'm from
To the things I had
I feel I’ve forgotten something
I’m sure that it's probably nothing
But that’s based more on fear than on fact
---
The drive was soothing, country zipping by just them and whatever music was on the radio. Now that they’re gone they can only think of what they must have forgotten there, was there something important left behind? No, they were careful, anything of meaning is with them. That town, the shouting, the outrage, outdated beliefs, it’s behind them. Anything forgotten can be replaced.
---
I'm standing on the borderline
Between two states- I'm petrified
To push ahead or turn back homewardly
---
The first gas station stop gives them pause; are they really doing this? It seems crazy. They’ve never felt so free. Back home, well it was awful, but there was good, and familiarity among the muck. Forward, nobody knows, but there is that hope of something better. Of being themself.
---
I'm a shadow of the past
The shadow of a boy
A boy who couldn't last
They said: “Son, don't change”
And I keep hoping they won't see how much I have
---
No. I am not that person anymore they think. That boy is gone. Their family acted like they’d stolen a son from them by being themself. That felt wrong. That boy is a shadow of who they are now, or who they will be.
---
A feeling’s not a thing you own
But it can be lost
I just want to be home
‘Cause home's where the heart is
And when I departed
I might’ve abandoned them both
---
There were good things. They stare once again at the road and trees passing by. Patton. They’d loved him. Their heart ached from it. But, well, Patton was afraid. He’d felt safe, like home. Patton didn’t feel the same about Dee. That was it for them. Nothing good remained in that town. There is that small… perhaps not so small, fear of never finding that sense of home again. It made their heart ache worse than any unrequited love, or hateful family.
---
I'm standing on the borderline
Between two states-- I'm petrified
I'm standing on the borderline
What should I bring or leave behind
From who I was
For who I'm gonna be?
---
Holy shit this was a bad idea. Dee can hardly breathe. They pulled onto the shoulder of the road, having a goddamn panic attack. At least it felt like one. They were okay, they were fine. Its fine. They’re safe. They guess. It’s okay. It’d be great if they could leave behind the panic attacks. No. They’re okay. Time to move on.
---
I’d like to say: “I’m the same person from yesterday
Nothing’s changed”
---
But thats not true, they’ve changed so much. Not a boy, not a fool, not longer wrapped up in stupid fearful teachings.
---
‘Cause yesterday I was eager to see what awaited
I wasn’t jaded
---
But, before, there was that innocence. So excited for his future. Not scorned by the hate of those they held most dear. Ones they’ve abandoned, dear no longer.
---
But no!
I can’t go back
---
They can’t go back to being that person. It’d kill them. They are so much better than he could ever be, trapped in that mindset.
---
Youth seemed sweeter
But if I could return, all I’ve learned would be forfeit
I won’t go back
---
It had felt happy in the moment, but really it had been stifling. They’ve learned so much. They can’t return to that.
---
I’m followed by the borderline as I pace forward in my life
Seeking the times I’ll long for once they leave me
---
They later learned that the line, the invisible border of past and future followed them. They just kept going forward. Along the way they’d found friends, understanding. As they continued to walk they sought out those times. Moments of joy in the journey. And they were found.
