#negative???

[crystal-lillies]

I felt such cognitive dissonance at receiving a heartfelt, straightforward positive comment today, based on my repeated pattern of behavior, that I cried for several minutes straight.

The feeling in my chest was achy, dully painful, but pleasantly warm.

Even now, thinking about it makes my eyes well up and my nose prickle.

Even now, I cannot help but feel like the compliment was unearned, like I'm deceiving that person, that one day they'll "see who I really am" or something and stop wanting to associate with me anymore, or take back what they said, and if that happens, I would deserve that. More than deserving their compliment.

And I know that's wrong. I know that's not anywhere close to the truth. But that's how I feel, regardless. And I wonder if I'll ever feel otherwise.

[todays-gaze-is-a-hazy-daze]

I didn't think I had leadership, jealousy, or loner problems until I started having competent friends

Proud of them tho

[ether-chosen]

(just. Toss me in the paper shredder ass co.press the remains into something useful)

[crystal-lillies]

"Wow you're so put-together!" "You really think things through!" "You're so mature for being so young!" "That's so cool you are thinking so much about your life and your future. How responsible!"

Oh gee thanks it's the crippling existential anxiety that makes me overthink every action I take or even consider taking, and the only reason I'm not screaming every second of the day is the ingrained sense of shame and self loathing (and the very small slight regard for my vocal chords, which do not deserve that pain).

I'm glad I have earned an A+ in Appearing to Be a Functional Human Adult, something that is very real and normal to want and to attain.

[crystal-lillies]

Sometimes I really hate that my primary response to most anxiety/trauma-inducing situations is freezing.

I stall up everywhere: in work, in communication, in socializing, in doing anything that isn't wallowing in maelstrom of overwhelming thoughts regarding the situation.

And this just makes the whole situation worse because I feel helpless and trapped while I see myself stagnate on important regular things and cut off from friends or loved ones.

[crystal-lillies]

Feeling a way at present that I can only describe as "Drift Away" from Steven Universe The Movie, despite the recent serotonin-dispensing stuff.

[crystal-lillies]

Difficult thing about having learned dozens of important life lessons through stories is that I know that pain and loss are just as important to experience as happiness and love, that grief is an expression of love that no longer has a solid home, that something or someone brilliant happened to cross your path for a short or long period of time and that they happened at all is something to be grateful for even if it's sad that they're gone or moved on from your path in the way they used to be.

Knowing that it's important to let myself feel the sadness and the grief, that both are just signs of how much something or someone has meant to me, and it's important to acknowledge that in order to move forward.

But all the while, it's difficult not to want to drown out the hollow, gnawing vortex composite of grief that always tends to lodge itself inside my solar plexus and eat away at all the important nerves there whenever this happens.