Instant Crush (Tenet) Neil x Reader ~Part 1~
A/N: WHAT’S THIS??? I’m actually posting two days in a row? WOWOWOW. Okay enough with that, here’s another Neil x Reader fic! Part 2 will be coming tomorrow night. Just one quick thing before y'all begin... this takes place in an AU in which Neil knows he’s going to die in order to save The Protagonist and the world in general (ps I call The Protagonist TP, because that seems to be what other writers in the fandom do, and it’s really much less awkward than saying “The Protagonist” lol). And yes, this is very much inspired by Instant Crush by Daft Punk/Julian Casablancas, although I had the Cage the Elephant cover on almost the entire time I wrote this...NOW ENJOY!!
Summary: (AU where Neil knows how his timeline will end) Neil knows his fate, he knows he’ll have to go back and sacrifice his life in order to save the Protagonist and the world, but how could he ever leave you behind? Maybe he won’t have to. You’re willing to do everything in your power to keep him alive. (Inspired by Instant Crush by Daft Punk/Julian Casablancas)
Warnings: MAJOR ANGST, cursing, mentions of death, implication of sleeping together/ *friends with benefits/lovers*, and I think that’s it. (oh ah! the grammar may be bad...I’ll check it again later, I’m too tired now)
Word Count: 3,601 (please tell me how to do the “read more” thing so many people on this platform must hate me).
You pace back and forth inside of your tiny hotel room. The beige walls make you more nauseous with every step. The brown, carpeted floors creek under your feet. The bright red digital clock next to your bed reads 2:46AM. You feel the world slowly caving in as your mind obsesses over the events that would take place tomorrow. You wouldn’t be there. You weren’t quite sure why. You had trained to join the team on the Temporal Pincer movement, but Ives had come to tell you that you were dropped from the mission just a few minutes ago.
“What do you mean I’m not in the movement anymore?” You ask, practically shouting in anger.
Ives shakes his head, leaning into your doorway. He looks down the hallway to make sure no one is there, and puts a finger up to his lips, shushing you.
“Don’t shush me!” Your voice is commanding. “Who the fuck took me out of the movement? I know it wasn’t you, and I know it wasn’t TP.”
Ives looks at you, and then looks to the ground. His uncomfortable silence says enough. You have an idea as to who took you off the mission.
“It was Neil, wasn’t it?” You pry, searching for confirmation, even though you already know the answer.
Ives taps the doorway and gives a polite half smile, as if to say goodbye. He pushes himself off the doorway and turns to walk down the hall.
The more you thought about it, the clearer it became. Neil had to be hiding something from you. There’s no way you were taken out of the movement because of your lack of abilities. You were talented with a gun, could easily outrun Neil, and knew exactly what to do in high pressure situations. You excelled at working while inverted.
There had to be something else, something more, something you didn’t know about yet. You needed to find out what was going on.
A knock at the door snaps you out of your thoughts. You walk over to the bright white slab of wood that clashes against the beige walls, and look into the peep hole.
Neil. You immediately unlock the door, and twist the handle.
He leans his right elbow against your doorway, giving him the space to bend over just a bit. His hand clutches a fist full of his hair. He looks tired, shaken up. Somehow, he still manages to look good. The sleeves of his white dress shirt are pushed up to his elbows. The knot of his maroon tie is half undone, allowing you to see that the top button of his shirt is unbuttoned.
Neil’s blue eyes meet your own, but his gaze isn’t steady. His eyes look into your hotel room, then back to your face, and then up and down your body. Something is off about him. He seems distraught, chaotic even. He looks as though he’s looking at you for the last time.
“I can’t do this,” Neil huffs. He quickly turns around and begins to speed down the hallway.
You grab the keycard by your door and rush after him. The door to your room slams behind you, the sound ricochetting off the walls and most likely waking up the entire floor. You break into a run, trying your best to catch up to Neil.
“Neil!” You shout. There’s no response, except for the pounding of your feet against the navy, carpeted hallway.
Neil finally stops in front of a door, taking a keycard out of his pocket, inserting it into the lock, and disappearing into the room.
You approach the door. You grab the handle and try to get in, but it’s locked already. “Neil,” you knock three times, “You need to tell me what’s going on. I don’t understand why the plans have changed.”
No answer, again.
“Neil, please,” You beg, resting your head on the door. Suddenly, you hear it unlock, and before you can remove your head, the door swings open. You lose your balance and begin to fall forward, but Neil instinctively moves to catch you in his arms.
He holds you there for a second. Your head finds itself placed in the crook of his neck. “Are you alright?” He asks. You forget to answer; you’re too focused on the scent of his warm, minty, gingery cologne.
“(Y/N), are you alright?” He asks again, pulling you off of him ever so slightly, just so he can get a good look at your face. His voice is so calm, so quiet. His blue stare meets yours.
Then, you remember why you’re here. You remember the situation. You remember what is going to happen tomorrow, and you remember that it’s going to happen without you. The anxiety builds in your chest. Your stomach tenses up and you can’t help but feel like your organs are moving wildly around inside of it.
“No, I’m not alright, and I know you aren’t either,” You say defiantly, pushing off of Neil and walking further into his room. You look around a bit. It’s bigger than yours. The walls are the same beige, and the carpet is the same brown one that could be found in your room. But instead of a twin bed, there’s a queen in the center of the suite.
Neil can’t help but smirk. “What?” He asks, pausing as he sits on the right side of his bed, swinging his legs around to get more comfortable. He leans up against the headboard, his cocky smile remains on his face, “Are you jealous that my room is nicer than yours?”
Is he seriously trying to play this off all nonchalantly? Is he really going to pretend as though he didn’t just run out of my room in a panic? You think to yourself.
“I’m done,” You say, walking towards the door. You turn around to look at him, hoping your words can get under his skin. “I know you took me out of the movement, which is just plain fucking stupid on your part.”
Neil shakes his head. “You don’t understand what’s-,”
You cut him off. “No, of course I don’t understand what’s going on. I have no fucking clue. I was hoping you could tell me a thing or two.” You’re yelling now. You feel the anxiety melt away as you clench your jaw tightly. Your blood boils beneath your skin. “But of course you have nothing to say. You never do.”
“What the bloody hell is that supposed to mean?” Neil questions, standing up from the bed once again. He makes his way over to you.
“You know exactly what it means,” You insist. “You never have anything to say about us and whatever the hell we are. I’m just a fuck toy to you. You don’t give a shit about me,” You pause, noticing how harsh and cold your tone is. You regret the words as they leave your lips, but you continue on anyway. “And now you’re refusing to tell me why I’ve been cut out of the movement. You need me, you know you fucking need me. Ten minutes isn’t enough time to be cutting people out of the movement.”
You think back to the past few months you’ve spent with Neil. You had been together quite a few times, more times than you could count. You spent secret nights together, going as far as getting a room at a separate hotel on many missions to hide whatever you two were from the rest of the team. Neither of you were seeing anyone else, or at least you weren’t. But still, neither of you made your feelings quite clear. You dropped heavy hints every now and then, mentioning the future, what life might look like after your time at Tenet. But Neil would always change the topic.
Before you could say a thing, Neil’s face was in yours. You know he’s looking into your eyes, but you just can’t bring yourself to look back. He firmly grabs the upper part of your left arm with his right hand. His fingers press into your skin.
“So you think you know bloody fucking everything, don’t you?” Neil shouts. You feel his eyes burning into your head; it’s a horrible feeling. You can’t look at him. Your heart is racing uncontrollably. You didn’t mean for this to escalate so quickly. To be honest, you didn’t intend for this to escalate at all.
You can’t help but think about the past again. You wish you could just go back to one of the many nights you had spent with him. You wish all of this could fade away into nothing. You wish that the end of the world didn’t depend on whether or not you and Neil could simply do your job. You wish you had more time with him.
“Answer me,” He demands. You look up at him. His eyes are glossy. He blinks and a single tear slides down his cheek.
You’re taken back by how emotional he is. “N-Neil, I-,”
“You don’t get it (Y/N),” Neil’s voice is shaky, but loud. His hand is still tightly wrapped around your arm. His face is bright red. “You don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow. You don’t know what I have to do.”
You can barely whisper now. You’re too choked up. You didn’t realize distraught Neil was. “Then tell me Neil, please.”
Neil looks at the ground. Tears begin to fall more freely down his cheeks. This was bad, very bad, and you knew that much. Neil’s silence was enough to tell you that something wasn’t going to go as you had planned.
Finally, Neil opens his mouth.“I don’t want you getting hurt, so I need you to leave the organization, starting tomorrow.” He’s not yelling anymore, but his voice is still firm and commanding.
You’re beyond confused now. Leave? Why does he want me to leave?
“You need to tell me why. You need to tell me what’s going on,” You plead.
Neil lets go of your arm, and walks over to the edge of the bed. He sits down, allowing his head to fall into his hands. His fingers push back to comb through his hair once, and then he stops, freezing in that position. He looks down into his lap. You walk over and sit by his side. Your arms brush up against each other.
He takes in a deep breath, “I’m not going to be here anymore, (Y/N).”
“W-what?” You stare into the side of his head, but he doesn’t move. He’s leaving? Why the fuck is he leaving? “You’re leaving Tenet? Why? And what does that have to do with me? I can handle myself.”
Neil takes another deep breath. “No, that’s not what this is.” He shudders a bit, and lets out a small, quiet sob. He breathes in again. “Tomorrow, when the mission is completed for most of the team and TP, I’m going back into the mission again, but I won’t be coming back after.”
You shake your head as you begin to understand what Neil means.
He’s going to die.
Tears involuntarily form in your eyes. “N-no.” A shiver crawls up your spine. “No,” you say again, louder this time. “NO!” You’re screaming now, standing up from the edge of the bed.
Neil stands up with you, reaching out to you, trying to grab you, trying to pull you into his chest. But you don’t want that. You want to run. You want to scream. You back away from Neil so that you’re on the other side of the room.
“Please, (Y/N), it’s what has to be done,” Neil looks helpless, his arms stretched out to the side, his red face covered with tears, his eyes searching for a response in yours.
“No, this doesn’t have to happen. You don’t need to do this,” You’re begging now.
Neil walks closer towards you, “The world will end tomorrow if I don’t.”
“And how do you know that? How do you know for sure?” You yell.
Neil shakes his head. “I can’t-,” You sense the pain in Neil’s voice as he stumbles upon his words. “You can’t know why, not yet at least.”
Of course…Of course this is my fucking fate. Nothingness. Death. A painful goodbye, and a tall, dirty blonde-haired figure that will just melt down into a memory of someone I used to know.
You hold back your tears, trying to process exactly what was going through your mind. You try to wrap your head around the situation. But there was no way to process this. It was impossible.
“So this is it? There’s no going back? This is the end, the end of us?” Your disbelief is abundantly clear in your voice.
Neil nods.
I can’t fucking do this, You think. A painful sob erupts from your throat, and Neil rushes over to you, embracing you tightly as if it was one of the last times he would ever get to feel you.
Except that was exactly it. That was your reality now.
He holds you in his arms. You press your face into his chest, sobbing loudly.
You stay there for a few minutes, maybe five, or ten, possibly even more than that. You couldn’t tell. All you knew was that it took you a while to finally think of something to say.
“S-so this little time with you,” You pause, gasping for air in between sentences, “That’s all I’ll get? I’ll never see you again?”
Neil presses a kiss to the top of your head. “I’m sorry,” He whispers. You look up at Neil, and watch as tears stream down his face.
Out of nowhere, a hopeful idea pops into your head. “What if I can stop it? What if could change things? I can keep you safe, no one would have to know that I was there.”
Neil looks down at you. “What’s happened, happened.”
You hated when he said that.
You shake off his words. You had a mission now, a mission to prove that Neil was wrong. A mission to save his life.
“There’s no way in hell I’m living in a world where I never get to see you again, where I never get to be alone with you again,” You say, stepping back a bit. Neil moves his hands to your waist, not wanting to let go. “This isn’t going to be goodbye, Neil.”
“It has to be,” Neil says shamelessly, allowing reality to take hold.
“No, no it doesn’t have to be. I’m going to save you tomorrow and you don’t have a fucking say in the matter!” You’re practically screaming now. You break away from Neil, but he quickly steps forward to close the space between you two. His hands find their familiar spot your waist, the spot they were in just seconds ago.
You’re hyperventilating now, while Neil seems to have calmed down a bit. You figured he had to have been hiding this for some time now. There’s no way he found this out today.
He presses his forehead against yours. He takes his right hand off your waist and brings it up to the back of your head. He combs his fingers through your hair, making sure you won’t move away from him again. He parts his lips, “Will you stay with me tonight, please?”
You nod, even though you’re more than positive that this won’t be your last night with Neil. He presses a light kiss against your lips, and you kiss back. Neil breaks the kiss, leaving your lips feeling cold and alone. He grabs your hand and leads you over to the left side of the bed. You sit on the edge and bring your legs over so that you’re sitting up against the headboard.
Neil walks over to his suitcase. You shudder at the thought that it could just be a suitcase after tomorrow. It wouldn’t be Neil’s suitcase anymore, because there wouldn’t be a Neil.
That is, unless you had something to say about it.
Neil fully unknots his maroon tie and begins to unbutton his white dress shirt, one button by one. Once he’s done, he pushes his sleeves back down to where they belong, and removes the shirt completely. You can’t help but stare at his bare chest. Then he unbuckles his pants, unzips his fly and lets the trousers slide down his toned legs. He just has his boxers on now.
He runs a hand through his hair as he makes his way over to you. Normally the sight would make you crazy, but this was far too somber and depressing. It was impossible for your mind to go there. Instead, you could only think, What if this is the last time I’m going to see him like this. You try to shake the thought off, but you just can’t.
Neil crawls on top of the center of the bed, and finds his spot right next to you. He puts both arms around you, inviting you to rest your head on his chest. You allow yourself to do so, listening to his pounding heartbeat with your eyes shut tight.
“I need to tell you something, (Y/N),” Neil says shyly. Shyly, that was the last word you would normally use to describe something Neil said, but that was what this situation was doing to him, and it wasn’t fair.
You look up at Neil and nod, waiting for him to say what he wants to say.
“Before, when you said that you’re just a fuck toy to me…” Neil trails off. Pain was evident in his voice, and it was all because of you. You had never regretted something so much. You had only felt that way because you two hadn’t ever said how you felt about each other. You had made it clear you weren’t seeing anyone else, but Neil never did. Obviously you enjoyed each other, but he never said anything that indicated the idea of the “long term.”
And yet here you two were, being “together” for over half a year.
Neil breathes harshly, shuddering a bit. “Well you’re not just a fuck toy to me, and quite honestly I have no idea how you got that idea,” Neil pauses again, taking another deep breath. “So I figured it’s time that I need to tell you that I…” He trails off again, shutting his eyes for a second, allowing himself to catch his mind up to his words.
“W-what is it?” You stutter, your heart beating hard in your chest.
Neil clears his throat. “You have no idea how much this hurts. You have no idea how much I wish I could just stay here, with you. I don’t want you leave you here. I-I-,” Neil begins to cry again. You bring your right hand up to the nape of his neck. You gently play with his dirty blonde hair, trying to comfort him.
“I love you, (Y/N).”
You had longed to hear those words for what felt like an eternity. From the second you saw his face, you knew that something was there. It was an instant crush, an instant and absolute fall for Neil.
And there was no way in hell you were losing him now. Not after that.
“N-Neil, I-,” You stutter.
Neil puts a finger up to your lips, “Please, don’t say it back, not like this. It’ll make this all too final. You’ll get to say it to me in some future somewhere, maybe in a different past, or maybe somewhere beyond here.”
You shake your head. “I’ve already told you, this isn’t goodbye, I’m following you in tomorrow,” You say. “I’m not losing you.”
“Yes you are, my love.”
You shake your head again as another tear falls. You don’t care what he says, so you decide it’s time to say what you’ve been wanting to say for months.
“I love you Neil, so much.”
Neil smiles painfully, “I thought I told you not to say it back.”
“You couldn’t have possibly expected me not to,” You say, pressing yourself into his bare chest. You look up at Neil, and watch him yawn. You realize how tired he is. “You should get some sleep,” You say.
Neil nods, “I know, but I wanted to spend my last night looking at you.”
“This isn’t your last night, Neil,” You sigh. “And that’s a promise.”
Neil ignores what you say, and reaches over to your side of the bed to turn the lamp off. With a single click, the room goes dark. Neil pushes the covers over you, and puts his arms around your body, pulling you down to his level. He’s holding you as close as he possibly can to himself.
You hear his heart beat out of his chest. You place soft kisses over his heart, hoping to calm him down somehow. But that was impossible. There was no calming him down about this.
“I love you, (Y/N),” Neil says again, keeping his grip on you tight. It feels just as good as when he said it the first time.
“I love you too Neil, but,” You pause, trying to chose your words carefully. “You aren’t dying tomorrow, I promise,” You say finally. You hear Neil sigh, but he doesn’t respond. He doesn’t want to fight you. He knows there’s no stopping you, because you know exactly what you’re going to do.
Part 2