#nellb

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nell b: bun

I stared at the back of your head. Did you see me? Did you know who I was? I was laughing until I saw that silly Ballerina bun. I’m sorry. I’m sure You’re a very nice person. I’m sure You have interesting things to say And a bevy of admirers who find you Brilliant. I don’t. I can’t. I’m sure you’re Very nice. I’m sure your outlook on The universe has served him quite Nicely. Do you want to know my Outlook on the universe? We like To ponder over the randomness Of life. Some say life has no meaning Some say everything’s connected. Horrible people say everything happens For a reason. But this is just philosophy. I think everyone is just looking for Home. Home: Tonight in the audience I smelled his sweater and her coat, And together it was the scent of my Family’s living room. Together it was The scent of my family’s living room. His holey sweaters, her wind-stained Trenches. Together. I smelled it and I Went back home, until I was reminded Of your stupid fucking bun. I laughed Until my eyes fell upon you. The light And home left me, and went to hide Behind a hairstyle that the women In my family could not even begin To understand.

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nell b: love at midnight

I used to say a Name when the Night terrors Came, and now We sleep under Our river of Plaster. All the Terrors gone Now, because It was always Your name I was Calling.

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nell b: blue

You’ve given me these nights You won’t take them away Now. Localized light. Hardwood floors. Crumbling Bathrooms. The fire escape. This is how you get me Every time, the ancient Escapes you built into The homes of friends. They are always there You taunt, but we Both see the sun Melting through The peeled Iron. The way The soft blue Sky hugs it in The night. Even if I Were to Use it, I Would Only Go Up.

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nell b: more haircut thoughts

I hear my grandmother Calling my hair Ridiculous. From beyond The grave, she talks to me. 

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nell b: breathe into it

He taught me how to run longer. Press down on the cramp with Your fingers, he told me, then Breathe into it.

From time to time since then I will find myself in pain and Press my fingers into my belly Breathing through my nose And out of my mouth. I will Remind myself (ragged inhales, Screaming bones) that I can Send oxygen where I want it To go.

 It didn’t work when I tried To do it with him. There was No amount of pressing that Would alleviate his pain. It wasn’t oxygen he needed.

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nell b: dream city

It is a dusty City, often drenched in Darkness. Cobblestoned Streets give way to Large, complicated carnivals And markets—all aglow, All cheap, all smoke and Glowing pavement. Cabs pick you up in Subway tunnels. In one part of town, there is One stretch of city block That weaves into the sky. The houses there are made of clay And glow like children’s stories.

 My friends come and go here, And I am always searching For them. I am the detective Of this city, the one who loves It because I know the cold, Dark parts.

The water here is purple. The wind doesn’t exist. Walls are missing. I’m always outside.

And my city is full of horrors Yet I am brave. 

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nell b: belly of the city

Morning yawns blue Trees tangled, skeletons I’ve spent almost 20 years Riding buses through this Dawn. Here, it feels like  I have slit open the belly Of a bear to keep warm. 

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nell b: what i have

In the past 12 hours I have both cried and Ranted. Multiple times. I have had children Laugh at me and men Push by me on the bus. I have shook from the Impact of the world around Me ungracefully crumbling To ruins. I have been cold and I have been hungry and Until 7 o’clock this evening I had had nothing to drink But a cup of coffee at six in The morning.

Then I came home. You made us soup. There was a bottle of Wine chilling in the fridge. You spent more than four Hours on the soup. You Sent me texts about it Throughout the day. It tasted like the sun On my back on a beach Somewhere warm. Like A joke told two beers In among best friends, That spit howl of Ecstasy. It tasted like You: better than holy, More nuanced than love. You: the brick walls of The house I live in. You: My phantom limb. Until I found you I felt my Ghostly joints and thought I had lost something. Now I know I was simply Waiting for what I have.