she's tired, stressed with comeback preparations, and she really wants to do vlive again. she hasn't had much time or drive for it, and she had missed out last month to do it as well. so when the type of audio only vlive is brought up to her, vanessa takes the thought into serious consideration.
and that's how she ends up, on the final day of september just shy of 10pm, clicking the option for the audio only live. she waits quietly, humming to herself as the numbers start slow. after a moment, she begins to chuckle.
"hello~" she greets, shifting on the couch. her voice is low, murmured-- as to not be too loud, but also clear enough for it to be heard through the live. she watches the comments begin to pop through, smiling and raising her brows at some of them. she's glad her face isn't showing, there's a couple that are more passive aggressive about her lack of posting the month or so-- and she wouldn't have been able to school her face in time for that. "did you miss me~ i missed you all~
→ user043532 our leader~~ welcome back ~~
→ user923431 why audio????? new hair color????
→ user358536 OMG K.ARMA COMEBACK???
→ user349383 where's kil?
→ user035921 about time
"audio only..." she trails off with a hum, biting her lip in thought. "i'm actually not at the studio this time. i'm at the dorm, and some of the girls are resting." she lifts her gaze and looks around, glancing over the closed bedroom doors she can see. "i'm still blonde. sadly." she says with a pout, glancing at the strands of her hair. her roots have begun to grow in, and it's looking sadder by the day. vanessa's wishing at this point to do something different so bad. "it's...looking a little rough." she slips into english, chuckling to herself.
→ user124241 ENGLISH MONA
→ user459835 ur always pretty 🥺
→ user656476 dyeing it soon?? 👀
"dyeing it? i don't know, truthfully. but..." she trails off, momentarily distracted by the comments. "what color would you wanna see? i've always wanted to try blue." it's been one she's thought about since before debut, and she hopes one day she'll be able to see it come to fruition. or until she grows sick of waiting and risks the scolding if she were to dye it on her own.
"bald? okay, you got it." vanessa snorts, breaking out into soft laughter that she muffles with her sleeve. "wah...so many choices." she chats back and forth, picking out a few colors that she sees that might work. she's smiling to herself at some of the comments she's seeing-- and the slow rising conspiracy amidst a few of them that vanessa is trying to hint at a comeback. she's not really trying to, she just doesn't want to jeopardize anything by reacting to it. she sees another comment mentioning the other girls-- and jumps onto that.
"ah, roommates. mm, kiyeonnie and i are in one room. doyeonnie and kil in another, and sejeonggie, jinah, and hyuna in the other." she rests her elbow on her leg, holding up her face with her fist as she watches the comments.
she chats back and forth, avoids the comments that are baiting her to talk about a comeback, but vanessa's quick to dodge and switch the subject. there's so much happening in the chat, she gets away with it pretty easily; even if there's a few comments calling her out on it. there's a smile in her voice as she talks, and at just past the half an hour mark she brings it to an end.
"sorry, i'm getting sleepy." she apologizes, rubbing the back of her neck. "i think it's time to wrap it up...ah, thank you!" she sees the start of them, the birthday wishes that begin to settle in in full. there were some earlier, scattered between messages as she talked, but now they come in. it's getting closer to midnight, after all-- and even if it's an hour or so away, she still grins happily to herself. "thank you~ we'll talk tomorrow~ it's my only birthday wish, okay? the only thing i want. thank you~ i love you."
vanessa wants to do a monthly vlive. that's what she decides after the two other ones she's done before. she likes it, a lot more than she expected; it's fun, easy for her-- a good way to interact with the fans (especially when they're trapped with little to work on, but she won't say that out in fear of jinxing it). for this episode, she doesn't really have much all planned either.
so when she's set up, starting the video with her usual relaxed, somewhat tired demeanor, she's completely shocked when the door opens up-- only minutes after she's started. for a moment, she's a little stupefied, and she's sure it shows on her face, but sohee's appearance has her grinning wide and happy.
"look we have a guest~~" she sings, clapping her hands as she tugs over another chair for sohee. seeing the sweater that she had gifted the other has her grinning happily, and she can't help how happy she is at the other's appearance. "wah, i'm so happy. k.arma's kiyeon? here? with me? i'm so honored." she can't help but reach out for a hug, clutching the other girl to her as she happily settles back in front of the camera. she can see the comments going wild, but she looks over to see what sohee's brought.
"what? food? whoa." she's surprised, but utterly thankful for sohee's kindness and thoughts. she can feel her stomach grumble at the thought of food. "you're an angel, kiyeonnie~~ i didn't eat much earlier." she pouts cutely at the other.
they're munching and eating, and vanessa can't help but stare fondly at sohee as she sings a bit of song requests (she's belting out those disney high notes, and vanessa can't help but to stop eating to give her a wordless applause, shooting a thumbs up at the camera). "our kiyeon is no joke. have you streamed her show yourself cover? you better~ should we play it?" she teases, wiggling her brows at the camera and then at sohee cutely. it's fun with sohee, even if she blushes and squirms at sohee revealing the origins behind the sweater she had gifted. she lets out long groans as she speaks, hiding her face as she laughs. "it's cute though, isn't it?" she manages, reaching out to lightly tug at the carrot hoodie strings. "comment hearts if you think it does!”
at thirty minutes, vanessa hears noise at the door. glancing over curiously, she blinks as she's see someone outside through the window, and for a moment-- she's very, very confused. when the door opens-- she lets out a shocked noise, before breaking out into laughter.
"who is this, who are you?" she can't help but laugh. "sejeong? does that say sejeong? wah..." she knows it isn't sejeong-- trapped away at filming as she is, so she can't stop giggling at the imposter. it's silly, and from the voice alone she knows it's jinah. it's cute, sweet-- they miss the girl when she's away, and she's happy to know she isn't the only one missing sejeong's presence. she smiles fondly at jinah’s antics and attempts at sejeong-- she’s pretty good, vanessa will admit. it does make her miss the girl even more though, so she brings her phone close, peering at it briefly before looking back to the comments.
“should we call? let’s call sejeong,” she shoots a glance at jinah teasingly, wiggling her brows. a quick call to sejeong chooses to be futile, as it goes to voicemail and vanessa hums. “ah, maybe we do have sejeong here all along?” she muses, chuckling as she reaches out in an attempt to playfully ruffle jinah’s hair, like she’d do to sejeong normally. “our sejeonggie~”
vanessa thinks it’s fun with more than one person. there’s a lot of fun to be had with sohee and jinah-- and she’s grinning fondly at them when she sees something pop out from the corner of her eye near the door. she’s quick to look over, and she can only beam with a wide grin at doyeon’s face peeking out from the window. she watches the other wave for a moment, amused and grinning-- probably looking very distracted to the vlive viewers. she moves to point towards the door, turning to the camera with a happy laugh. “another visitor~”
when doyeon walks in, joking “someone told me there was a party happening, so i came!” causing vanessa to clap her hands happily and glance around, frazzled for a moment. she reaches out for another chair, tugging it close and patting it for doyeon to sit. “come, come~ thank you for joining. i’m a big fan,” she jokes to the girl, reaching out to lightly pat her arm once she’s seated. there’s a warmth in her chest, with the girls coming one by one to join her. she’s so happy, so so happy-- it has to be obvious on her face, her features. pulled up into a smile.
when jinah steps out, vanessa can’t help but pout-- but she’s soon enough distracted with the other girls and focusing on giving more of her attention to the comments. it’s a few song requests, chuckling at some of the things the viewers are saying-- a couple comments pop up that catch her eye, that sound so suspiciously familiar. leaning closer to the screen, she begins to smile, reading off a comment like ‘hello!! this is kil, do you see my comment?’. it makes her laugh. “wah, kil? really?” a few more comments pop up from the same user, and it only increases her amusement. ‘unnies look so pretty~’ and ‘please wait i’ll be there’ has her happiness soaring, and she claps her hands. “okay~ kil-ah we’ll wait for you~”
she doesn’t take too long. it’s reaching past the hour point when she pops in, and vanessa’s loud about it, holding her hands up in the air in a hooray! motion. hugs are given all around, and she can’t help but squeeze joy a bit tighter, just out of sheer happiness that she’s been gifted with so many sweet visits today. they return to reading the comments, and vanessa grows a bit quiet, smiling fondly at the girls; they do a few song requests, and vanessa has to stifle her laughter at the cheers that joy yells in response and her happy applause and barrage of comments. she bounces between chirping up every so often, monitoring comments and making cute faces at doyeon as she watches the girl press the heart button on the live.
jinah returns, bringing her own computer and commenting about themselves on the live that have all of them laughing and cheering. she brings snacks, and vanessa lets out her own happy shout at the sight of it. she takes more of a backseat here, happy to just listen and watch her groupmates have fun. jinah plays dj for this part, taking requests as they answer random fan questions and the like. hyuna pops in for a quick visit as well, and she knows that maybe they should wrap it up soon. it’s late, and while she doesn’t mind staying up far late into the night, she does worry for the other girls.
she’s gearing up to try and wrap it up-- and then the sound of her phone vibrating on the table jolts her. it’s loud, audible amidst the girls talking, and she’s quick to grab it and apologize, smiling sheepishly before she glances down at the screen, noting cutie sejeonggie~ as the caller, and she lets out a happy noise. “oh! sejeong is calling~ should we answer?” she asks cutely, chuckling. but it’s not really a question, as she’s already hitting the answer button and quickly pressing on speaker. “sejeong-ah~~ hello~ you’re live~” she’s quick to say, and the sound of the other girls greeting the other makes her feel warm inside. “how are you? are you working hard~”
they talk and chat a bit. sejeong speaks a bit of praise for vanessa’s lives that have her blushing and ducking her head, laughing happily. “but this is the best one yet, right?” she asks, wiggling her brows as she chances a glance at the other girls. “because it’s one with all of k.arma. that’s the best of them all, it has to be.”
they chat a bit longer, and soon enough sejeong’s break comes to an end and vanessa gears up for goodbyes. she’s clutching the phone in one hand, sohee perched on her lap and the other girls in a sort of leaning over each other, sharing seats and such to fit in the screen. they’re all mushed together, but vanessa’s never felt more at ease. “thank you for tuning in! it’s time to rest~ thank you for k.arma for joining me~ we had fun, right?”
the chorus of happy responses follow. “we’ll do it again, sometime! goodnight everyone~ bye bye!”
she fiddles with the idea when she hears sohee bring it up.
uploading something to the official youtube-- a cover. vanessa's considered it, but never really followed through on it. focusing more on k.arma as a whole, focusing more and making sure she was good enough in k.arma before she even let herself consider doing something without the girls.
seeing sohee's upload gives her the courage to upload her own, even if it takes a lot more fiddling and idea hunting in the days passing. it's towards the end of march when she decides, a few days after their appearance at fashion week when she gathers an idea.
she misses singing in english, so she chooses a cover from another artist. it's from a free game she's seen being advertised; she remembers seeing noel talk about it when it first launched. the sound is nice, has a much more rockstar feel to it-- reminiscent of music she's always wished she could sing.
when the song begins it's soft. vanessa keeps her eyes closed as it begins, finding her voice to begin to match the soft tone. "i, miss the peaceful days every night. i just wanted you, but everything went wrong."
her eyes fall shut as she moves into it, the mic stationary in front of her as she continues the line. when the instrumentals kick in-- she lets out a soft breath, eyes falling open as she looks up towards the camera. confident, cool. it's an image she's always wanted to portray-- because she is confident and vanessa thinks she's cool. so that's what she'll be.
her hands inevitably find the microphone, fingers wrapped daintily around it as she gets into the rhythm of the music. and she sings, sings like she's alone in the shower with her shampoo bottle. has her own little mini-show. she lets go.
"please god, tell me the way i should go in these blind days." she sings. "i can't be sure anymore, what's the right way?" she's been told in the past her voice is more fitting for music with instruments, that the notes she can hit can reach levels of popularity the same as they do with alternative bands she grew up listening to. and she feels it sounds the best, that it fits the mood of the music-- making it much easier to get a grasp of how it should sound.
and as she continues through the song, her voice reaching notes and going low and soft in moments to fit the tune, she finds that she's happy she's tried this. and she's happy to do it again in the future.
recorded ... july 9th, 2020
uploaded ... july 14th, 2020
vocal cover of woosung’s face ; song reference / psd credit
it's been a couple of months since the last time she uploaded something. after blind days, she wanted to give k.arma the center of attention until she even had the time or drive to do something for herself. the urge to upload another comes during one of their unscheduled days near the beginning of the month, headphones tucked in her ears as she just zones out and plays on her phone.
it's woosung's face-- a song released last year, that calls to her. the tune of it is nice, and the sound has her instantly feeling good. it's almost, groovy in a way that vanessa's excited and willing to try out. it gives her the courage to bring it up to their manager, and it comes easier to prepare for it. this time, in front of the camera, she's all smiles, eager to get into the feeling.
the set is simple, and she feels even more confident with the microphone under her touch. eyes meet the camera as the music begins, and the grin on her face is something wild, something wicked and wolfish in nature. playful and dangerous.
"won’t you come with me,
girl, our dance
let’s lock eyes, a little closer,
i hear your breath trembling,
you got me saying
yeah yeah yeah yeah,"
she sways with the beat, biting her lip and grinning towards the camera. the more she gets into the song, the more she enjoys it. loves the melody, loves the energy-- the more the song progresses, the more she has fun with it. "thin ankles, high heels, your hidden body line," at this, she twists to the side to show off hers, grin cheeky before she faces forward once more. "you got that candy on deck, your flashy kissing skills babe," here she winks, lifts a free hand to her lips to blow a kiss. "come on, girl..."
"won’t you come with me
girl, our dance
let’s lock eyes, a little closer
i hear your breath trembling
making me gulp
yeah yeah yeah yeah,"
"tastes like ice cream, that sticky feeling of melting." her voice twists and heightens, an airy sort of sound to fit the way the melody changes a bit. "don’t rush, no need to hurry. there’s still lots to do..." and here she tugs the mic from the stand quickly, looking up to the camera with a smile that shifts into more of a smirk.
"i like your face, your red lips like cherry
i like your taste, falling into you
i like your face, your tangled hair
i like your taste, you take me to space yeah..."
the more the song progresses, the more she has fun with it. she's all smiles through it, and as it moves to the end, she's almost sad it's over. "before the night is over, pour champagne shower," she tilts her head slightly, her gaze at the camera as she continues on. "won’t you come with me, just dancing on the floor, you’re beautiful..." the way she smiles slightly and holds the stare with the camera as her voice hitches with the last bit. as she moves to finish the song, she ups the fun of it, swaying more with the beat as she enjoys the final moments of the song.
i like your face
i like your taste
i like your face yeah
i like your taste
you take me to space yeah
i like your face
and her stare is fixed on the camera until the recording is cut.
she takes a deep breath, eyes trailing over the screen as she leans forward to start the live-- teeth worrying over her lip as her finger hovers over the start button. with a huff, she leans away to fix her hair, humming as she eyes it. it's only in a matter of hours that they'll be heading to the salon to gear up for their comeback, so vanessa takes the opportunity to do a little bit of fan interaction.
she counts to three in her head, then taps the start button-- staring at the screen and watching the slow amount of numbers begin to fill in. she lets out a soft laugh, smile curling at the corner of her mouth as she slowly leans back. "oh, hello~" she says cutely, straightening up her form. "this is my first v-live. it feels awkward, right?" she confesses, busting out into a laugh as she rubs the back of her head. her eyes flicker over the comments section, smile curving on her face as she reads some of them. she tries not to focus on the view and heart count, instead focusing on keeping her thoughts in order.
"when are you releasing something new? ah," she reads off. "you've been waiting a while right? i'm sorry~" she sings, slipping into english naturally as smiles. "wait a little longer, okay? we're working super hard to get to you faster." she crosses her arms on the counter and leans forward, reading the comments before she lets out a soft noise, glancing down at her own phone laying down near her. picking it up, she begins to scroll through it. "what have you all been listening to? i like this song." when the first few beats of the tune begin to play from the speakers on her phone, she sways her head to the beat and hums the melody, eyes back to looking over the screen sharply.
"say something in english. your accent is so cute. why, thank you!" she exclaims, english accented as she laughs. "i don't get to speak english too often. hopefully i don't forget." she muses. chuckling. the song is still playing in the background, and she leans forward again, bracing her chin in her hands as she bats her eyes at the camera cutely. "do i look silly like this..." she murmurs, mostly to herself but loud enough for the viewers to hear. tongue clicking, she shakes her head, shoulders shaking gently as she straightens up and leans away, moving to change the song as it begins to move to the next one. "let's do some rec time-- give me a song to play and i'll play it for you."
it's easier as it goes on, and when vanessa ends the vlive about thirty eight minutes later, she thinks that was a fun little thing to do before she's locked away to secrecy until the comeback day.
( songs played in ‘let’s chat with mona 🐺’ : scar by eclipse, ticket by k.arma, ladies by k.arma, pirate king by per_se, and nara’s spark. )
vanessa has been playing with the idea of getting a new song for k.arma the moment ticket promotions ended. she likes performing, likes doing something in k.arma. the weeks and months of just...preparation or practicing have been hard, especially with sana's departure and now hyuna's addition. it's for the better of k.arma, so trc says, so vanessa will accept that.
dolls is...it's fun. it's not the type of sound she thought she would end up doing, but it fits in a way, with k.arma as a whole-- a sound catered to them. it's got a somewhat of a lengthy rap too, good for both yeeun and hyuna, so it makes vanessa a bit more comfortable with the idea of a change. trc's got it's plans, hopefully for the better of k.arma-- so she'll trust in them currently to keep doing....what's hopefully the right thing.
hopefully.
the dance is pretty; graceful, in a way. it's a song with a tune she hums at the dorms between resting periods, a tune she's humming when they're eating. it's hard to not get the song stuck in her head when they're continuously practicing it day in and day out. her parts are easy, singing comes easy, so she focuses more of her time in learning the dance. she's still not the best dancer, though improvement has been made since the project months ago-- the scathing words still resonate in her mind with every movement of her limbs, every practice of footwork. vanessa knows what she excels in and what she doesn't-- so she spends a bit more time fine tuning it. it's hard to get her feet to move properly and also keep up with whats going on with her upper body at the same time.
it's tiresome, sure. but it leaves her feeling a bit more excited about the next day, and the day after that. passing time and tired bones means one step closer to their comeback, so she'll endure it.
... WE’RE COMING BACK TO YOU! HELLO, WE ARE K.ARMA!
—————
years of hard work have come to this.
she isn’t like yeeun, joy or sohee. vanessa hasn’t trained at trc as long as them-- but she knows she’s waited nearly as long in general for a chance to debut. sweet tea and then trc, and now k.arma. it’s like a dream come true, and she’s so, so pleased, so happy to have come to this. with a group of seven, six other wonderful girls at her side. it’s this date, may 1st, 2019 that she’ll hold near and dear to her heart-- the date that she decides they’ll take the world by storm, one step at a time.
it’s insane to be on a stage like this. sure, they’ve been on stage before-- for different concerts, as just trc trainees. but it’s different as idols, different as k.arma, and to vanessa, it’s different as mona.
mona is something she has to get used to. something she’ll learn to accept. though it’s growing more and more easier-- standing at their showcase as mona. she pushes herself to do her best, as she’s been doing since the trc/g project. she’s had her ups and downs, but they’re here, she’s here.
first impressions. it’s easy to say.
humming, she hovers the microphone in front of her mouth as her nose scrunches up in thought. “i really liked it. instantly-- yeeun unnie, her parts are some of my favorites.” she leans forward a bit to peer at the older, shooting her a small grin as she straightens her form and fixes her posture. “i think it fits us well. the image, the sound-- i hope you all really enjoy it.” one hand clutches the microphone as her other places itself on her heart, a sweet smile on her face “i’m really happy we can share it with you guys. news-- it means a lot to me.” and it does, she means it. it’s their debut song, and it’ll always have a special place in her heart.
performing...it’s like a dream. they’ve done this song multiple times, practiced it until their lungs feel raw and their feet feel sore. they’ve done so much for it, but it feels so different now; so...real. they’ve worked so hard to come to this point, and vanessa swears up and down as they finish the showcase and say their goodbyes--
they’ll take the world by storm. one step at a time.
trigger warning: dissociation, lots of crying lmao, brief negative thoughts.
there’s a lot buzzing around in her head when she makes it home after evaluation review. it’s-- it’s a lot to take in. she’s passed, she’s made it; she’s going to debut. after years of work, after these past few months of working herself down to her bones, she’s finally made it.
well, not made it. but she’s claimed as official, and the rest of the girls too; they’re a group of seven-- and she’s the leader. she’s main vocal and the leader and it’s never felt so incredible. never felt so exciting; never felt so draining.
her feet drag as she pulls herself into her apartment, tosses her bag to the ground as she closes and locks the door behind her. her back presses against it, slumped as she stares, unfocused at her feet. she’s numb, she’s not; she’s excited, she’s terrified. there’s so much going on, there’s so much to take in, so much to focus on.
there’s the muffled sound of the television from the sitting room, and noel’s voice echoing a greeting that she doesn’t quite hear. she breathes out through her nose, the action harsh as she wraps her arms around herself. she’s shaking, she’s trembling; her heart is beating a mile a minute. she’s going to debut, she’s going to debut; she’s in the official lineup for a debut, once again.
“nessie?”
she blinks, slow. her head lifts and her gaze focuses in on noel, peeking his head around the couch cushions to peer at her. she watches the expression on his face shift and change, watches the panicked motions of him getting off the recliner and stumbling towards her. his hands are extended, and she’s confused; his eyes are wide. she can’t bring herself to speak, a lump in her throat, a pressure on her chest. but noel does it for her, his worry and concern clear in his voice. “hey, hey, what’s wrong?”
what’s wrong? there’s nothing wrong. she’s ecstatic, and maybe she’s scared. but she’s going to debut. there’s not a single damn thing wrong-- but noel moves, and he’s frowning, tapping at his own cheeks for a gesture.
when vanessa follows the motion, her cheeks are wet, and there’s the strangled sound of her breathing; shallow and quick, small little sobs that were muted to her own ears. her hands are shaking because she’s crying. she’s crying because she’s so happy and she’s tired and she’s been thinking she’d never make it this far. she can only be confident for so long before she starts to doubt herself.
noel’s a stronghold when he hugs her. he’s grown taller, the little brat, and she feels small and fragile when he hugs her. her fingers are gripping too tight on his shirt, a shuddering breath leaving her. a smile curves on her mouth, her body trembling and noel’s panic is clear in his voice. “no, wait-- hey, stop crying, noona! nessa, it’s okay. it’s okay. did something happen at training? did you get into a fight again? did they say something that--”
“noel.” her voice is low. it’s choked, clogged and it doesn’t sound like her. “noel, i’m so happy. i’m-- i’m so happy.” and then her breath is shuddering, and she’s full on crying. scrunched eyes and shaking fingers and strangled sobs that have been waiting months to see the light of day. and noel just lets her, quiet and pensive as he lets her release all the emotions she’s been holding back; every big of negative emotion released through tears that’s been causing her to suffocate.
it’s the first step of many more; but at least she’s made it this far.
