thinking of you part one
ex!nettspend x fem!singer!reader
b.g.: y/n and gunner broke up eight months ago from a year and a half long relationship. the both of them have moved on and are dating other people, but y/n soon realizes that moving on and simply letting go are not the same thing.
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based on the song 'thinking of you' by katy perry!
my masterlist - my taglist
the television in my bedroom plays quietly in the background, playing a random show that i'm not actually watching.
my boyfriend, jack's, arm is lazily draped across my waist, his touch warm, and his breathing slow and steady against my torso.
i stare at the ceiling.
i know this should be enough - being here with my boyfriend who loves me, in bed with him, comfortable and happy. eh, maybe happy.
i know i should feel lucky that loving him is easy. that he kisses me goodbye every morning and remembers how i like my coffee and never lets our arguments last longer than a few hours. i know i should feel lucky that there's nothing wrong with him. that there's nothing missing.
but i still catch myself waiting for a feeling that never comes.
jack shifts beside me, tightening his arm around my waist for a second before settling again. to which i don't react to.
the television continues to fill the silence in the room with dialogue and laugh tracks that neither of us have been paying attention to.
and that's usually how our nights go.
takeout. some random show. in bed before midnight.
it's comfortable, i guess. very safe, sure. and unbelievably predictable.
and i think that's the problem.
everything with jack is easy. so easy that after a while it all started blending together into a long routine that i can practically predict before it even happens.
let me take a guess: he'll wake up tomorrow morning and kiss my forehead before he gets out of bed. he'll stop for coffee afterward and get my order exactly right. later tonight he'll ask if i wanna watch a movie this weekend, and i'll say yes even though we both know i'll spend half of it scrolling on my phone.
it's not bad. it's just nothing. and that reflects onto me.
i make music, but i haven't released a new song in about eight months. and it's not because i can't write one, because i can. i just haven't felt anything strong enough to be worth writing about. well except for maybe one song.
everything lately sounds the same.
every lyric i start ends up unfinished in the notes app on my phone. every melody feels recycled before i even finish recording it. i've spent months sitting in studios pretending writer's block is some mysterious artistic crisis i'm going through, when really, i think i've just become incredibly bored.
i'm bored of this routine, bored of hearing the same conversation every say, bored of knowing exactly how everything is gonna play out before it actually does.
nothing dramatic ever happens to me anymore. hell, i don't even need drama, just something worthy of my time.
but i guess that's healthy. maybe that's what people are supposed to want.
but that's not me.
sometimes i miss the kind of love that ruined my sleep schedule and made me write songs at three in the morning. not sad songs, either.
but the kind that made me feel too much all at once, therefore keeping me up until the latest hours of the night.
the kind that turned stupid little moments into lyrics before they were even over.
late night drives with the windows down. i'm laughing so hard my stomach hurt over something that probably wasn't even funny. i'm sitting on kitchen counters at two in the morning while music played quietly from a speaker.
everything felt louder back then. colors looked brighter. songs sounded better. even being exhausted all the time somehow felt exciting.
there was only one person who made me feel that way.
and unfortunately for me, it's not jack.
i reach over and grab my phone from the nightstand.
mostly just to give myself something to do amidst my boredom.
instagram notifications flood my screen the second it lights up. tagged photos, loads of comments, clips from interviews i forgot aired this week.
i'm so bored in life social media doesn't even do much for me.
i scroll past all of them without really paying attention.
until a barely blurry video of what looks like a concert catches my eye.
the audio is distorted from the crowd screaming over it and the bass from the speakers, the camera shaking so badly that for a second i almost scroll past it.
another clip of some festival that's happening this weekend.
but then the person onstage steps closer to the lights.
and my thumb stills against my screen.
gunner.
like, my ex-boyfriend gunner.
my stomach drops in a way that feels abnormally dramatic.
my brain is too jumbled to properly read the comments, but i catch enough words to understand what's happening.
rolling loud.
new-ish songs.
red hair.
wait, red hair?
my eyebrows pull together slightly as i tap on the video again, this time actually paying attention.
the stage lights flash across him in quick bursts of bright purple, the crowd screaming the second he runs a hand through his hair.
bright fucking red.
for a moment, all i can do is stare.
because suddenly i'm back in his car almost two years ago, my legs thrown over the center console while he drove with one hand resting lazily against my thigh.
the past..
"you should dye your hair a fun color," i said absentmindedly, scrolling through pinterest on my phone.
he laughed. "what, like green?"
"no. something fun."
"fun?"
"yeah, like pink, or maybe red. didn't you have your hair pink before?" i asked.
i can still remember the way he glanced over at me for a second, smiling like the thought i was insane.
"yeah, like a while ago. but it didn't last long," he told me.
he then told me i'd probably be the only person on earth capable of convincing him to go back to having bright colored hair.
the present..
my chest feels strangely tight at the memory.
it's stupid, like so stupid.
the hair probably has nothing to do with me.
logically, i know that.
but i guess logic has never really mattered much when it comes to gunner.
and it's not like he's left my mind since we ended things.
though i don't like to admit it aloud, during every moment with jack, that are all somehow more boring than the ones previous, i can't help but think about gunner, and what i would’ve been doing with him instead.
my thumb hovers over the comments for a second before i close instagram and open tiktok, typing ‘nettspend rolling loud’ into the search without really even thinking about it.
so many clips flood my screen. a few from backstage, blurry videos of the fans who got barricade, and the professional videos taken of his set.
and there’s one specific sight that makes my chest tighten again.
it’s raining and his hair and clothes are wet. he’s looking to the side of the camera, almost looking up. his white shirt is borderline see-through now, but his chain still lies heavy on his neck.
i can’t even lie, he looks so good. different, but good.
i scroll to the next video, this one being taken from what seems to be backstage.
gunners standing with mazzy next to him as someone record the two of them.
“you finally dyed it,” mazzy laughs.
he runs a hand through his hair, grinning a little. “yeah.”
“what made you finally do it?” she asks him.
gunner shrugs.
“got bored.”
something twists unpleasantly in my stomach.
bored?
that’s the exact word i’ve been using to describe my time without him.
it’s almost like we’re still connected by something as simple as that.
but i need to stop - being irrational, i mean.
i have a boyfriend and gunner has a girlfriend.
we’ve been broken up for eight months. eight whole months.
it’s time for me to actually move on from him.
but i can’t.
god, i really can’t.
everything was just so good with gunner, i can’t help but think of him.
and while i may not think of his name in specific, i know i compare my happiness and experiences from now to back then, whether i purposefully do it or not.
which might be unfair.
maybe no relationship was ever going to compare to your first real love. the kind that becomes accidentally stitched into every version of yourself afterward.
i lock my phone and let it fall against my chest with a quiet sigh.
the room feels too warm.
i rip the blanket off of me.
jack stirs beside me again, mumbling something incoherent before he stills.
he looks peaceful.
i envy him for that.
my gaze drifts to the clock on my nightstand.
1:26 am.
for a second, i try to convince myself to put my phone away and go to bed like a normal person.
instead, i pick it up again and open the notes app.
there’s tons of unfinished lyrics. some song titles i’ll never use.
then there’s the note i’m looking for.
it’s untitled.
my stomach tightens the second i click on it.
because unlike everything else i’ve tried writing these past eight months, this one actually made me feel something.
which is ironic, because jack technically is the reason it exists.
and it’s not because he inspired it.
but it’s because being with him made me realize i was still thinking about someone else.
my eyes scan over the unfinished lyrics again, and suddenly the words don’t feel unfinished anymore.
they feel honest, maybe too honest.
the song’s a bit too short, but the perfect ending pops into my head. i quickly type out:
“won’t you walk through
and bust in the door and take me away?
no more mistakes
cause in your eyes i’d like to stay.”
and after reading the lyrics of my song once more, i decide ‘thinking of you’ could be a fitting title.
after typing that at the top and before i could stop myself, i quietly slip out from underneath jack’s arm and sit up in bed.
he doesn’t wake up. of course he doesn’t.
i stand up, pulling on the hoodie hanging over my desk chair before reaching for my car keys as quietly as possible.
a normal girlfriend probably wouldn’t leave her apartment at one in the morning to secretly record a song about her ex-boyfriend.
but i really can’t stop myself.
sorry jack.
a/n : hiii everyone new story alert 🤤 ehhehe im sorry i thought of this while listening to thinking of you and i couldn’t help myself!!!! i got inspo from @trynabespiffy everyone go read her nett fics they are top tier 😫 lmk what u guys think about this!! feel free to send anything thru my inbox or u can message me privately!! likes/reblogs are appreciated <2 love u guyssss
lmk if you want to me tagged in any future nettspend fics
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