7/27/2021
everyone’s been nostalgic lately. i am no exception. ive been listening to this youtubers videos and it puts me back to that time when i was a child hopeful that magic was real and there was a possibility i could go to Narnia or be Posiedon’s daughter or go on an adventure to save the world. imagination and ideas were so plentiful back then. the hope was real and now i seem to have left it in the past. growing up to survive in the “real world”. having adult issues and sobering situations. growing up an only child, with my dad encouraging my imagination i had the whole world at my feet. the wonders of new discoveries and comforts of new friends was so, so so much more different than today. i always thought id travel the world and experience new places and cultures. i thought id backpack it or live and travel out of my car to go on adventures of a lifetime. i had hoped to meet someone on my travels and eventually have a nice house with friends to invite over and children to raise and have adventures with. i guess when you're smaller and everything is new in such a big world, you're more susceptible to hope for a fantastic life and future full of wonder. sometimes i feel remnants of that feeling, but its become far and few between now. “adulting” and living in the “real” world has put a damper on things. when before my world was full of colors so bright and beautiful is now faded and dull with a hint of sunlight every so often. id definitely say that as much as ive tried to not let this world shrink my heart and child hopes, ive lost. my heart tore so many times that ive got a “chip on my shoulder”. one is especially trust. you cant trust anyone. NOBODY. to trust is to confirm hurt and betrayal. i slowly started to learn that theres really only one person you can trust: yourself. of course i learned too late that my father was one i could trust. after he died i realized i took him for granted. i thought our time together would be so much longer that it was. thankfully he left me with my one and only best friend and fiance. the only other person i can trust. and even then somewhere inside me, i expect him to betray that trust. even with that he has helped me heal. the broken heart i had, is now only scars and bits of my childhood hope has come back. i just hope that i can get closer to my childhood hope again. this time with a companion to accompany me on our adventures.