Summary: Cali thinks abt being alone after they leave the team. Tw for cigarettes, self harm at the end, and thoughts of being alone/ self hate
Cali splashed water on their face for the tenth time in two minutes, stopping their pacing around the grimy bar bathroom to stare at themselves in the mirror. It was not the best light- that they could admit- and the mirror made it difficult to tell whether the dirt was on their face or just in the reflection. Frowning, Cali cupped some water in their hands and threw it at the mirror, backing off and beginning their pacing once again.
They had never gone to this bar, only heard that it didn’t care who you were. They also knew that it had a lockable gender-neutral bathroom. When they had thrown the door open and stomped in- golden blood dripping from their nose, muddy and crying- not one patron had glanced their way. It was dark and dusty, and almost completely empty for early morning. All good signs. Now they’d locked themselves in a dirty bar bathroom for an hour or so now.
They stopped their pacing to stare at their reflection in the mirror. It was a bit cleaner- foggy and uncertain in the way water dripping down on mirrors without proper cleaning makes them cloud up.
Cali looked like they were about to fall over.
Despite having washed their face, arms, and whatnot multiple times, there were still signs of tears streaking down their cheeks. Their right eye was swelling up just slightly and the scratch on their cheek which had been welling up with blood just 30 minutes ago was now starting to scab over, leaving a golden scar in its place. Same with the one on their neck. Dark strands of hair fell limply over their face. As they gripped the dirty sink, their arms shook weakly. They looked... tired. And sorry.
Cali tried to hold back another round of tears, sniffling pathetically at their reflection. They were sorry. Looking down at their hands, they realized they were clutching the stone sink like it was a lifeline. Quickly, they backed off and into the opposite wall, sliding down the concrete wall and swiping at the tears that threatened to overflow.
They weren’t going to be able to get the dirt and blood off their clothes, so they’d have to find something else to wear. It would be easier to focus on finding new clothes than to focus on the events that had happened just hours earlier, anyway.
Turning their attention to their gloves lying limp on the edge of the sink, they pulled themselves to their feet to pick the gloves up and throw them in the trash nestled in the corner. No use for them now. Under the gloves lay the bandages they were using to cover their arms with. No use for those, either.
Staring back into the mirror, Cali jumped as someone knocked. Not getting this bathroom yet, sorry, they thought, turning back to the mirror and ignoring the whispered swears they heard slipping under the locked door as whoever knocked wandered away.
Slowly they pushed the disordered strands of hair out of their face, not bothering to redo their ponytail, just flipping what remained of it over their shoulder. Cupping more water in their hands, they started to sip out of their makeshift cup before spitting it out. It tasted like dirt, but they had no money, no chances, and they’d probably cry again later. Self-care measures? Taken.
Figured it’d be now you’re thinking correctly, the idiot side of their brain began. Glaring at their reflection, Cali shook their head slightly, deciding not to go down that path. It wouldn’t be good today. Survival first. Self-hate and pity later. Shaking the last of the water off of their hands, they started to prepare to leave the bathroom. Hopefully, no one would stare. It was probably late morning, and no one cares if you’re covered in golden blood in the morning. Right?
Swinging the door open and curling their hands into fists, they willed their stone mask of a face to come back. Cali learned early on it was easy to intimidate people- no matter how young you were- and then they wouldn’t ask questions. So as they strolled through the bar, it was both a relief and a smug fact that no one cared to look at them.
Spotting a drunken shadow snoring in the corner of the room by the door, Cali examined their chances to steal the red coat hanging off his seat. No one would really notice, they figured, sliding up to snatch the coat. Making a quick exit and throwing it over their shoulder, they realized it smelled like cigarettes. Gross.
The bartender didn’t even look up when Cali left, too preoccupied washing the bar of mix-matched and rusty metal. It was kind of sad, the little joint with one bathroom and small windows, filled with the smell of beer and people who wanted to forget about living in the clouds. It was perfect to hide out in for an hour though- and to steal a coat that smelled like smoke.
As they strolled on the street silently, they were on alert. The bar lay on the bottom level of the city- which was poorly constructed and greasy. It was one of the few places the Angels didn’t know well enough to track anyone down quickly. It was almost always deserted in alleyways, and always dark at midday, laying in the shadows of the sham city towering above them. Cali was certain that no one would be walking about- it was common sense to stick to the main streets down here, but they could manage themselves in a fight. The Angels didn’t exactly know the streets like Cali did, so they just had to wait to find a crack in the wall, slip into it, and sleep. They’d figure out what to do when night came.
Slipping the worn coat on as they walked, they jingled around the pockets. A few coins, a lighter, four cigarettes and a fortune cookie paper that said ‘Trust in your friends, for they are the family you choose.’
Twisting their face into a sneer, Cali ripped the paper up and threw it to the side, watching the scraps of fortune be brushed away by the wind before shoving their hands back in the pockets and walking the opposite direction, taking another alleyway to get away from the fortune’s grip.
Finally, as they strolled down an alleyway, they spotted a broken metal piece falling off the wall, revealing a tiny open space. Boxes were stacked up around it, and to a less experienced walker, the hole wouldn’t even be there. To Cali, however, it was a jackpot.
Crouching down, they pushed the boxes aside and slid into the hole. It wasn’t very big, but it was big enough to lie down in, so it was good enough. The metal screeched as Cali pushed it back and they winced, pulling themselves all the way in. Sticking one hand out, they clumsily pulled the boxes back to the entrance, so it wouldn’t be as obvious someone was rooming there.
Curling up into themselves, they sighed. The area smelled like rust and they did not look forward to the back pain they’d wake up with tomorrow. Not that glamorous, but it’d do. Beat sleeping wherever Carrie was right now.
Carrie.
Their throat choked up and they turned swiftly, facing away from the metal opening and staring at the stone dark.
What if he was safe and Cali was just an idiot? Again?
Cali didn’t realize they fell asleep until they heard the whispers of a night sweeper team from where they were laying. Groggy from sleep, they pulled themselves up to face the opening and waited until the team left before emerging from their hiding spot. Pushing the metal aside and tumbling out of their hiding spot, they landed elbows first on stone and wooden boxes, swearing quietly under their breath.
It was night again; now it was time to move.
Forcing themselves to stand and stretching themselves out- painfully, as their spine did not appreciate the position they had chosen to sleep in- they began to look for anywhere else to lay low until morning. Try to come up with a plan before they starved. Survive.
As they walked, they figured they could just steal some food from the outer ring’s marketplace. Maybe get some cheap work sweeping a store or cleaning some fruit. Wash a few dishes so they didn’t have to rob already poor shopkeepers of their stock. If Cali had been at a richer inner ring, this wouldn’t have mattered, but with how tattered they looked right now and how much they didn’t want to get caught by the Angels, it mattered a lot. Maybe they were just scared of being found again.
It occurred to them that’d be their life until they could get out of this two-faced city. Laying low, hungry, cold. Working to pay off debts or struggling for a meal. More scared than before. Alone.
Cali felt water on their cheeks and turned to the sky to look for the storm. It was clear out- where was the water coming from? And it occurred to them that they were crying. Shit.
Quickly wiping the tears off their cheeks, they decided they’d find someplace high to look at the stars. It’d make them feel better- feeling higher than the elites in the final ring of the city always made them feel a burst of satisfaction.
Walking steadily faster and ignoring the tears that were coming down easier now, Cali scanned the buildings for any handholds to help them climb. As they kept turning corners, the shadows of the city grew larger and larger, stars blurring more and more as they began to run across stone, trying to keep down sobs. Finally spotting a low-hanging roof and a couple of fallen over boxes, they sprinted towards them instead, climbing up the boxes and landing on the metal roof loudly.
Swearing quietly to themselves, they scanned the brick wall and saw a ladder hanging down from the building next door. Taking a running jump, Cali pushed themselves off the roof and onto the ladder, wincing as they grabbed cold metal. Scrambling up quickly and onto the rooftop, they scanned for any taller buildings. As soon as they chose the highest one they could see, they formulated a route to get there. From there on it was easy- switching from rooftop to rooftop a few times to get to higher places, climbing over pipes and fans until they reached as high as they wanted to go.
Exhausted, the walked across the roof silently and sat themselves down at the edge, turning their attention to the sky. The stars looked spread out in the sky, winking in and out of existence. That was a perk, Cali supposed, of living in a cloud-filled city. The stars were always brighter in the cold air. Shivering slightly, they pulled the jacket closer to themselves and tucked their legs inside of it. Warm lights from building tall out of desperation shone, and a fan blew in the background. It was peaceful. Cali smiled.
Now all they had to do was wait for Carrie to find them.
It took a minute before they realized Carrie wouldn’t be finding them. Carrie was probably gone now, along with all of their team. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Suddenly, Cali couldn’t stop sobbing. It was gross and gasping and quiet. It didn’t disturb the night. The sky blurred as they glanced away from the stars and they pulled their legs tighter to their body, shaking.
They could still hear the way Carrie asked them to please, please stay. How they couldn’t keep running away. The way they heard their name yelled as Cali turned around and started to run.
They could hear how they’d yelled at him. It was just the two of them; how couldn’t he understand? How couldn’t he realize that they weren’t ready for a family again? They’d be trapped if he left. He had a chance to escape. Cali had left him.
If they were trapped, they would’ve been trapped together.
Idiot.
Their hands searched through the thick red pockets, grabbing a cigarette and lighter from where they’d been hiding since Cali stole the coat. Shaking, Cali stared at them both, laying in the palm of their hand, before grabbing the lighter and starting the flame. It seemed almost hesitant to burn at first, but soon the lighter was a beacon of light. With an equally unsteady hand, they held up the cigarette and watched it start to glow.
They had plenty of bad habits. What was another one in the long run?
Slowly, they put the lighter down and held the glowing cigarette in their hand, not wanting to use it yet.
Why had they run? Cali knew that answer.
Logically: the Angels were coming. They knew where they both lived. Going back to tell the team would’ve gotten them caught anyway.
Technically: they were afraid.
Cali watched the embers of the cigarette dancing down the side of the building, ignoring how the gross sobbing was gone, replaced with a steady flow of tears. They shouldn’t waste the cigarette. Cali brought it to their lips, choking on the foul smoke as they pulled it away. Gods, how did people live on this stuff?
They were afraid. Sitting on the rooftop, smoking their first cigarette, Cali realized this: they were still afraid.
Why did they run away?
Carrie was the only thing that’d kept them going all these years. Even when they felt like giving up. Carrie was just the half to their whole, the one they could rely on when things got dark, the one they could talk too when it started to seem like socializing presented a barrier between Cali and anyone else. Explaining why they flinched when doors slammed was hard. Telling people who believed the house they left was a paradise became a burden.
Talking was a barrier Cali couldn’t break for the life of them. So when talking began to get hard, they stopped. They started fighting instead.
Cali glared down at the moving lights below. There was a four-person sweeper team miles below, laughing at something Cali couldn’t hear. The cigarette in their hand glowed sweetly, asking for another taste, as a rain of gleaming embers fell into the city below.
They pressed the still-lit cigarette out on their hand, ignoring the burn as the embers died down. Silently, their lips pressed together, they wiped the last of the tears from their eyes. Turning from the scene below, they emptied their pockets of the three cigarettes left, discarding them and the burnt-out one on the roof they were standing on. Standing up, Cali tucked the lighter back into their pocket.
Cigarettes sucked, and they had enough of the stars.
Maybe they’d try to get some money tomorrow. Dust off their pickpocket skills.
so anyway my favorite Star Wars related memory is when I went to see The Force Awakens with my sisters and my dad, a lifelong OT stan and general nerd who used to gush about the existence of “interpreter robots” to a certain 10-year-old future translator. the first thing he said after seeing the movie? “I really liked the new girl, she was so cool.”
idk why but that tiny little spontaneous comment just made my entire 2 years of waiting ‘till The Last Jedi
