Moms of Moms <3
“You can't always get what you want - but if you try sometime you find
you get what you need“
My cousin Shelley (Not pictured above) is an amazing cousin, mom, birthing coach and all around human. With Jude, she was so attentive and helpful throughout. While in the throes of my pregnancy, she said something that always stuck with me:
“New moms need their moms”
Shelley has first-hand seen the strained and at times, the volatile relationship I have had with my mother throughout the years. And while I do not freely talk about it, I need to state that my mother is a good mother. She is not perfect as I am not a perfect mother, child, wife, friend or human but the one thing I can say is that our hearts are in the right place. We have never sought out to hurt anyone with intent even though the impact might look as though we have.
When I had my first son, my husband was there for me every way possible. I have always heard about women hating their husbands once a baby is born but for us, this was so far from the truth. He stayed up with me during night feedings, never hesitated to take over and let me rest, took on a lot of the chores, cooked and cleaned and cared for me while I looked after our son.
But I wanted my mom. I yearned for that. Someone to just come and take over who I had seen first-hand be a mother and whom I knew had unconditional love for me. Someone I trusted to see me in that vulnerable state.
Someone who would not judge me and let me cry and break down in that way new mothers know so well. My mom who I could be honest with about not knowing what I was doing and admit that I am terrified and they would assure me that they were once there too and everything was going to be fine. I didn’t have that guidance throughout my teenage years or early adulthood and I would forgive all that if I just had it at this point in my life, but I didn’t.
Instead, I kept it in, to myself and just cried during naps and to my cat and dog…which was somewhat helpful as I got to let things out with no judgement and since my dog was part pug - he always looked sad, so in a way, I felt he was feeling for me? I guess? I miss him so much.
My problem, and I know it’s a problem, is that I have been told “no” for so much of my life and for basic needs that I have no idea how to ask for help, especially when I need it the most. It's almost easier to assume its “No” and just try to figure it out on my own. And because of this, most people assume and feel that I am strong and don’t need the help but I do. My hurt and struggle seep out in other ways that are not ideal and I am learning how to correct this flaw, but it takes time.
My mom wanted to be there for me. I know this. But I just knew from our past it would not be an ideal situation. With tensions high as they were and have been throughout the past decades, I knew I could not handle one of our spats. Not at this point in my life. I couldn’t trust either of us with not making it worse.
A month before I had my son, a friend of mine had his wife come over for us to meet as we were due a week apart and lived across from each other. I usually don’t like “setups” but I just went with it. I didn’t realize the impact of what this meeting would bring.
Devon came in and made herself right at home. Normally, I would be hesitant about such a bold person but her presence was so disarming, warm and fun. We laughed instantly and got along. From then on we hung out daily from when our children were born. We went through everything together.
Helped each other out. Vented, cried, celebrated, but mostly laughed. She comes from similar circumstances and I feel we were there for each other as mothers should be for their daughters. We treated each other with enormous love and respect. I love her family fiercely. I don’t have many relationships that give what they take. I am constantly reminded that I need to expect way less from people, even when it’s the bare minimum. But with Devon, she gives and gives and gives. I would be lost without her. I would not be the mother I am without her love and influence. She was the second best part of my mat leave, Jude obv being the first.
And things did stop with our children. She single-handedly helped and set up my wedding. She designed the room, organized the day, greeted every guest and remembered their names. My wedding would not have been without her and all of her help and excitement. And she did not expect a thing back. She did it for my happiness. She just gives and gives.
She Just had her second child in April, and with myself being due in October, my anxiety calmed and excitement was fueled for another mat leave with her. We would have each other once again but this time we are both stronger, smarter and seasoned moms.
Cut too a few weeks ago. She sent me a video one morning telling me that she is moving. It gutted me. In a selfish way. I was heartbroken that she will not be there in her PJs in the morning to both give us a break. She and her beautiful new son won’t be there every day to break things up, share food, go for walks, visit the drop-ins, go to the zoo/aquarium. And most of all, our new sons won’t have the beautiful and loving friendship that our firstborns share.
I cried so hard after I got that message. Panic set in. I was scared as I don’t have many relationships built on that level of love and respect, and I was worried to lose one that meant so much.
BUT at the same time, I cannot help but be so happy and excited for them. It’s an amazing the change and its a lot of love shown back to her and her family. No one deserves it more. Devon and her family give and give and that fills my heart that good is being returned to people who deserve it.
They are not moving far; I can visit weekly. And I thankfully have a few more amazing moms expecting and around whom I love dearly as well.
My hope is everyone is blessed with a Mom or a Devon for when they become a Mother. And be truly grateful for them.
SHOUT OUT TO RACHAEL...(Pictured below) you’re NOT allowed to move!