The Oblivious Child

I have no Idea what I am doing. 

[theobliviouschildblog]

When Anger can go no where.

Maybe it’s the crime scene investigation shows I have to watch for work, my keen observation skills or nosiness but I really think I missed my calling as a forensic investigator. I am so good at this point, I can just look at my child’s arm and know by the oral indent, which flesh hungry child has bitten my kid this week.

This Monday, after a long days work, I stepped into the preschool room to get my oldest son,  and I could see his arm from a mile away. I then looked over at his cubby to see a letter. I was furious. He ran up to me excited that ___(Kids Name)__  had bitten him..... again.

Jude has been bitten many times in daycare by many kids. And every time its enraging. But its rage and anger that can’t go anywhere.

I sit and wonder "What is it about my kid?" He’s a ginger so maybe its exotic? Am I dressing him too deliciously? I knew I shouldn’t send him in tank tops to school! Is it his luscious chubby porcelain limbs? WHAT!

I fully get how cute he is and I myself have on MANY occasions have had to show great forbearance from taking a bite outta the kid, but this is too much!

And worst of all, WHY is the kid with the bleeding disorder always getting bit? The daycare workers and I constantly cry this!

My husband and I work really hard on teaching our child to use words and not hit others. Luckily by Jude’s nature alone, he doesn’t hit, push or bite – he uses his words and YELLS. I worry because he is having this happen, that one day he might turn around and bite/hit/fight. I ask the caregivers if he is doing something and every time they tell me its unprovoked. 

He’s just too tempting I guess.....

Daycare usually handles this sort of incident with much privacy. They will not tell you which kid has hurt yours but they assure you they speak with the parent. They give you an “incident report” that doesn’t give you much.

However, I guess my new struggle is my child is vocal and will tell me who did it which is good and bad. Good that I know so I can talk to my child about their actions. Bad because now I struggle with disliking that child and with not getting vengeful via their parent. This isn't Florida. "Vengeful Mom bites other Mom after 4th daycare fight" as a headline will not fly here.

You cannot be mad at the child who has hurt yours at this age. They are essentially little animals. They don’t know any better. They are learning and some will bite and some won't. And it doesn’t make them “bad”. You also can’t be mad at the parents as they have no control over it and probably feel horrible about the whole thing. You also cannot be mad at the daycare as it’s not a 1:1 ratio. I also have to realize that biting is part of life.  I don't know many adults who are that scarred from a biting incident........ Well, Siegfried & Roy, but those horses asses had that coming.

So the anger goes into buying your child a popsicle and talking to them as best as you can about it. Jude wasn’t even mad at ______. He kept telling me that she bit him. On our way home, he told everyone else on the street. She probably has quite the reputation now.

Even when we got into the convenience store to get said popsicle, he told the clerk. The clerk said he was sorry that happened and Jude repeated that she bit him but then said she was also a friend.

Jude still saying that she was a friend hit me. It’s beautiful that even though a friend of his caused him pain, completely unprovoked, he still said she was a friend..... though I probably won't invite her to his birthday.

I just hope Jude continues that sense of empathy and understanding. When your friends hurt you, try to remember they are friends and maybe didn’t mean it....... but its ok if you don't want them at that years birthday party.

[theobliviouschildblog]

To be or not to be......a Stepmom.

Christina Walkinshaw is wonderful. I feel so blessed to know her and that she was up for writing a guest blog. I hope you enjoyed! There was one thing I felt I needed to touch on and that’s the topic of Stepmoms. Christina mentioned that “I know there’s still a good chance I will end up a stepmom, and I gotta tell you…I’m into it. I actually like the idea of being a stepmom. Rhiannon seemed shocked when I told her this.” When we spoke on the phone and she told me about the stepmom wish, I was shocked! Allow me to explain…

I have had 3 Stepmoms in my life and from my experience, I have to admit – I wouldn’t like to be one. Harsh? Maybe. Honest? Yes. Let’s look at it. In the media and history, Stepmoms are rarely shown in a positive light. It’s always “Wicked Stepmom” and not in the “Totally awesome” way, it’s the “This woman 100% killed your mom to get with your dad and take over the kingdom and treats you like shit” way.

Now I hate stereotypes but I 100% to play into that stereotype. I can’t help it on account of what I have known, but I don’t judge or automatically think that for others, just myself being a stepmom.

I have seen first-hand how step parents are treated by the mothers and other family member’s. Some totally had it coming while others did not. Some are horrible for the children and some are a loving force that makes such an amazing difference. Some make the parent less of a pain in the ass to the rest of the family and some become the pain in the ass for the parents. They can sometimes never do anything right in the eyes of the birth mother/father. They are set up for failure. Now I don’t want to sound sexist but I feel this is way more prevalent on the stepmothers than stepfathers. I have never had a stepfather but I think it would have been cool and possibly made my mom not rely on me to paint the whole house on summer break. Also would have been cool to have a shed. I have noticed a correlation between Stepdads and sheds. Great for hiding and drinking.

No one wants to start a family only to have it split up later on down the road. No one is perfect and sadly a lot of marriages are not built on strong foundations. Everyone has good intentions and no one can tell how the future is going to go but it happens. It’s sad, hard but I still remain pro-divorce. Most of the divorces I have been privy to are from marriages that should have ended. It’s better for everyone. Even the kids. It’s just how parents and family handle it after is where the problems come.

It has to be super hard for divorced/separated parents. You get half of your child’s life from here on out and have to schedule around others. Not to mention you have to trust a stranger to raise your children and love them unconditionally like you do. I couldn’t imagine that struggle and worry and my heart goes out to parents. I would imagine the worst. But also I have seen from some friends who didn’t have the best biological parent, get an angel of a stepparent who stepped in and parented up! And that cannot be easy for a stepparent. Such a mess to walk into but they do it and they do it with love. I couldn’t imagine stepping into another child's life and trying to parent them. 

And now that I am older, I have some friends who are stepmoms and when they talk about their step kids, you would never know they aren’t their biological children. They are so in love with them but I know it wasn’t easy.

So I guess my only fear/issue with being a stepparent is I love the way things are in my family. I don’t want half of my son's lives. And if my husband and I were to split up and he was to find another partner, I honestly don’t know how I would be to a new partner of his. It’s something I couldn’t imagine as we have a happy healthy relationship. But if I am being honest, I don’t think I would be great. We all can’t be Barbra!

I would love to hear your experience with Stepparents or being one. Write to me! - [email protected]

[theobliviouschildblog]

Good Grief

At 21, during a very confusing back and forth with my friend Lauren, I found out I had a urethra. 21!! I was shocked and annoyed at the number of wasted tampons over the years but more embarrassed that I had no idea. Now be it that I went to Catholic school and the extent of our sexual education was a game of puberty bingo in grade 5, I really had no idea of the multitude of things that our bodies were and did. In 1998 I was almost in high school and going from there I wasn't taught a single thing about sex, sexuality, rights and choice. I cannot wrap my head around this decision. I cannot even imagine what LGBTQ youth are going to go through. Morons put him in power, and they will attempt to dumb up our youth by taking away their access to knowledge.

What I am trying to say is - fuck you, Doug Ford.

I will teach my children. And I hope you will too! Below are the 2015 curriculum for download

http://www.edu.gov.on.ca/e…/curriculum/secondary/health.html & http://www.edu.gov.on.ca/…/curriculum/elementary/health.html

https://www.narcity.com/…/doug-fords-government-has-reveale…

[theobliviouschildblog]

** Guest Blog - Christina Walkinshaw **

Pictured above, I am very drunk with my good friend Christina. We were at our friends Nancy and Steves baby shower in the summer of 2014. They had sangria which was basically red wine, white wine and vodka ( who needs mix OR to inform Rhiannon that there wasn’t any in it)... After 3 pints I was letting the children put stickers on my body, inviting myself over to other peoples homes for dinner the next week and bit the “fruit baby” centrepiece:

Christina and I were having a blast! Childless and working on our careers in comedy! She was one of my instant friends in comedy and thankfully we have stayed that way. She is currently living in LA following her childless dreams, a path that I once was on and will catch myself wondering about from time to time, usually during tantrums and meltdowns.

She writes a blog about Polyamoury and had a very successful one about going on Tinder Dates, so what better person to write a guest blog and get their opinion about motherhood and parenting than her!

Check out her blog HERE!

and follow her on Instagram and Twitter

I will be writing a response to this and post it tomorrow. Especially an explanation on the Stepmom part.

Without further ado, enjoy!

Dear Moms,

Sup? It’s me, non-mom. From the alternate universe. The one you wondered if you might end up in. And you’re a mom, the one I still wonder if I’ll ever be. Don’t you wish there was a reboot of Sliding Doors, but instead of the two trains, there’s one Gwyneth that has a baby and one that doesn’t? Which life ends up better? Which has more love? More pain? More meaning?

(And if you’ve seen the movie, less waiting tables?)

I used to think I was a weirdo for not having a maternal instinct. I’m being very deliberate when I use the term “maternal instinct.” It’s annoying when people assume women who don’t want kids, don’t like kids. I do like kids. I’m a proud, fun aunt, capris and patterned tops to boot. I also love my friends’ kids. (Hi Porter!*) I’m just very self-aware that I don’t have that natural instinct that most women have, to birth one.

I started noticing maternal instinct creeping up on my girlfriends in our early twenties. I used to wait tables at a rib restaurant with my good friend Sarah. These were back in the days we’d actually still serve in heels. (Ooof.) For months, I saw Sarah’s face light up every time a baby in a stroller came in. She got SO excited. Played peek-a-boo at the speed of a good improviser. I’d usually just stare at the baby, and wonder how much food I was gonna have to sweep from under the table once they left. I was also tracking how much Sarah held her breath at tables with seniors, who were marinating in perfumes and Bengay. Finally, one day I made a deal with her:

“Hey, I’ll take the geriatrics if you take the kids.”

And that was the beginning of a beautiful server partnership. And my first sign that I actually might not have a maternal instinct. You can force a lot of things in life- a laugh, a zipper, one or nineteen extra things in a suitcase... BUT- you can’t force maternal instinct. And I’m no professional, but I don’t think you should.

If I had it, I’d use it. But I don’t. So this is my life.

To be fair, I was a very popular babysitter as a teenager. You had to book me a month in advance if you wanted me to watch your kids on a Saturday night. I had a regular gig looking after Heather and Shevaun every day after school for three years. In some ways, I feel like I’ve already raised kids. And for cheap! Four dollars an hour. You can only wish for child care prices like that these days. (I did make them all watch The Young and the Restless though.) I was a one-woman Babysitters Club. And I took every dime you paid me and bought Guess Jeans and Espirit T-Shirts. Thank you for giving me the gift of being able to afford such style. My dad was still trying to pay off the Nova.

I owe a lot to moms. More so to my own, who got pregnant with me at 18. I often feel like I’m living my 20’s and 30’s for two. I’m grateful to my sister, who has kids. Now I have the pleasure of being a long distance aunt, who enjoys sending creepy cat postcards. (And when I say creepy cats, I mean creepy.) My parents have grandchildren, and I still have a silly dream I mustered up at 18. And they seem to be equally proud of both of us. (BLESS supportive parents. Living in L.A. for two years has proved to me that not everyone has them.)

I’m not one who likes to argue existential debates. I know what I feel, and I go with that. Plain and simple. If I’m doing life “wrong,” then so be it. When I started comedy, twenty years ago, I

seemed to be the only one plugging that childfree life. There was an untapped well of jokes in this department at the time. Like:

“I’d rather look pregnant than get pregnant...”

“I honestly believe that smiling at a child at Loblaws... is just as good as motherhood.”

Now I almost feel hacky for doing these jokes. There are now at least two generations under me that are done with the patriarchy. I also have girlfriends who are praying they get the tail end of it. If there’s one thing I’m sure about, it’s that no two women have the same plans for life.

I had the best interaction with a mom at a BBQ the other day. I was scooping some sort of festive salad on to my paper plate when I found myself embarrassed about the state of my fingernails.

“Oooof. I should have at least clipped my nails into some sort of shape where they don’t look like jigsaw puzzle pieces.”

She responded with,

“You should see my toenails.” 

“Mine too!”

(Hard to say “me too” anymore.)

We instantly bonded. That’s the one thing that always connects me with a lot of moms. Our lack of “pretty girl” esthetics. Of course, for a mom, it’s probably due to a serious lack of extra time. I have no excuse. I just don’t care.

At this same party, I ended up bonding with another chick. She was my age, and like me, of the childless lifestyle. Much like two moms who meet and bond over having the same age kids, me and this girl found a twinship over not having kids. It’s equally exciting for us! (I got this term “twinship” from my BFF Melissa, who will probs get nervous that I’m quoting her, and will text and say “NO! It’s not my term! I read it in a book! I don’t want people to think I made it up. I feel bad.” And if you know me, you know I also have a twinship with Melissa.)

The cool thing is, either way, women are finding connections with each other. And isn’t that all that matters?

“Thanks” to social media, moms and non-moms believe they have a good look into each other's lives. You probably think I take 82 vacations a year (or so it seems), and I get scared your kids are going to be fully grown before my career takes off. When I see moms in my fave coffee shop on Montana Ave, I’m mostly jealous of their cookie purchases. I have no excuse for buying a cookie. At least you can say,

“... and a cookie, for little Ava here.”

And then you eat half the cookie. I see what’s happening there. Bless kids for giving grown-ups a reason to eat cookies. I can’t buy a cookie. It’ll look like I just got dumped or something.

I know there’s still a good chance I will end up a stepmom, and I gotta tell you...

I’m into it. I actually like the idea of being a stepmom. Rhiannon seemed shocked when I told her this. I know fairy tales ruined the idea of step-anythings decades ago, but what’s so bad about it? Kids aren’t dumb. Parents are exhausted. Two moms and two dads just may be what it takes. Plus, I’m probably gonna skip the sleepless nights and crazy medical bills. (America only.) OH, but I can tell how shit my reputation is by how long it takes a single dad to introduce me to his kid...

(That’s a good sign for divorced moms though. I can rest assure you that your baby daddy is picky about who they let into your child’s life.)

I better wrap this up. I told Rhiannon I would keep my babbling to a max of 1500 words. (What mom has the time for more?)

In closing, I’d like to thank all moms for their clothes at clothing swaps. Your maternity clothes are my beer drinking clothes. I’m a woman who loves to bloat. Thank you for joining me in my love for Birkenstocks. (Sorry, Allison Dore.) Oh, but to the moms who lose the baby weight five seconds after having a kid, and walk into the coffee shop with your stroller and size zero yoga pants...

Fuck you. Just kidding. Have a cookie.

Signed with a shit tonne of respect, Your new non-mom friend, Christina Walkinshaw

*Porter is three and while he’s starting to read, I’m pretty sure this isn’t his genre. I need a scratch and sniff blog. Send toy cars.

[theobliviouschildblog]

Snuggling with Jude & Alfie ❤️ 👦🏼🤰🏻

[theobliviouschildblog]

Moms of Moms <3

“You can't always get what you want - but if you try sometime you find 

you get what you need“

My cousin Shelley (Not pictured above) is an amazing cousin, mom, birthing coach and all around human. With Jude, she was so attentive and helpful throughout. While in the throes of my pregnancy, she said something that always stuck with me:

“New moms need their moms”

Shelley has first-hand seen the strained and at times, the volatile relationship I have had with my mother throughout the years. And while I do not freely talk about it, I need to state that my mother is a good mother. She is not perfect as I am not a perfect mother, child, wife, friend or human but the one thing I can say is that our hearts are in the right place. We have never sought out to hurt anyone with intent even though the impact might look as though we have.

When I had my first son, my husband was there for me every way possible. I have always heard about women hating their husbands once a baby is born but for us, this was so far from the truth. He stayed up with me during night feedings, never hesitated to take over and let me rest, took on a lot of the chores, cooked and cleaned and cared for me while I looked after our son.

But I wanted my mom. I yearned for that. Someone to just come and take over who I had seen first-hand be a mother and whom I knew had unconditional love for me. Someone I trusted to see me in that vulnerable state.

Someone who would not judge me and let me cry and break down in that way new mothers know so well. My mom who I could be honest with about not knowing what I was doing and admit that I am terrified and they would assure me that they were once there too and everything was going to be fine. I didn’t have that guidance throughout my teenage years or early adulthood and I would forgive all that if I just had it at this point in my life, but I didn’t.

Instead, I kept it in, to myself and just cried during naps and to my cat and dog…which was somewhat helpful as I got to let things out with no judgement and since my dog was part pug -  he always looked sad, so in a way, I felt he was feeling for me? I guess? I miss him so much.

My problem, and I know it’s a problem, is that I have been told “no” for so much of my life and for basic needs that I have no idea how to ask for help, especially when I need it the most. It's almost easier to assume its “No” and just try to figure it out on my own. And because of this, most people assume and feel that I am strong and don’t need the help but I do. My hurt and struggle seep out in other ways that are not ideal and I am learning how to correct this flaw, but it takes time.

My mom wanted to be there for me. I know this. But I just knew from our past it would not be an ideal situation. With tensions high as they were and have been throughout the past decades, I knew I could not handle one of our spats. Not at this point in my life. I couldn’t trust either of us with not making it worse.

A month before I had my son, a friend of mine had his wife come over for us to meet as we were due a week apart and lived across from each other. I usually don’t like “setups” but I just went with it. I didn’t realize the impact of what this meeting would bring.

Devon came in and made herself right at home. Normally, I would be hesitant about such a bold person but her presence was so disarming, warm and fun. We laughed instantly and got along. From then on we hung out daily from when our children were born. We went through everything together.

Helped each other out. Vented, cried, celebrated, but mostly laughed.  She comes from similar circumstances and I feel we were there for each other as mothers should be for their daughters. We treated each other with enormous love and respect. I love her family fiercely. I don’t have many relationships that give what they take. I am constantly reminded that I need to expect way less from people, even when it’s the bare minimum. But with Devon, she gives and gives and gives. I would be lost without her. I would not be the mother I am without her love and influence. She was the second best part of my mat leave, Jude obv being the first.

And things did stop with our children. She single-handedly helped and set up my wedding. She designed the room, organized the day, greeted every guest and remembered their names. My wedding would not have been without her and all of her help and excitement. And she did not expect a thing back. She did it for my happiness. She just gives and gives.

She Just had her second child in April, and with myself being due in October, my anxiety calmed and excitement was fueled for another mat leave with her. We would have each other once again but this time we are both stronger, smarter and seasoned moms.

Cut too a few weeks ago. She sent me a video one morning telling me that she is moving. It gutted me. In a selfish way. I was heartbroken that she will not be there in her PJs in the morning to both give us a break. She and her beautiful new son won’t be there every day to break things up, share food, go for walks, visit the drop-ins, go to the zoo/aquarium. And most of all, our new sons won’t have the beautiful and loving friendship that our firstborns share.

I cried so hard after I got that message. Panic set in. I was scared as I don’t have many relationships built on that level of love and respect, and I was worried to lose one that meant so much.

BUT at the same time, I cannot help but be so happy and excited for them. It’s an amazing the change and its a lot of love shown back to her and her family. No one deserves it more. Devon and her family give and give and that fills my heart that good is being returned to people who deserve it.

They are not moving far; I can visit weekly. And I thankfully have a few more amazing moms expecting and around whom I love dearly as well.

My hope is everyone is blessed with a Mom or a Devon for when they become a Mother. And be truly grateful for them.

SHOUT OUT TO RACHAEL...(Pictured below) you’re NOT allowed to move!

[theobliviouschildblog]

Vulnerable as f*%$

I feel this entry is more for me than anyone. I have tried to punch it up and make it funny but not everything is a laugh. The end gets a little dark and really unfunny but it's a big step for me to open up like this. “Vulnerable as fuck” as a friend put it. 

My dear friend Christina Walkinshaw inspires me. She writes so honestly and gives so much of her life - it's a gift to anyone who reads it. She writes about dating and being polyamorous and I cannot help but read entry after entry even though the subject matter is not really relevant in my life BUT I am drawn to her honesty. She writes in a way that I strive to.

It’s like if she booked a role on an HBO show she would scream it from the top of the world and celebrate. Where if I did, I would be terrified to tell anyone because I know people would watch, especially family, and inevitably see my boobs, if not the whole package!

Please check out Christina's blog HERE and I am very thrilled she is going to be writing a guest blog on here soon about her thoughts/feelings/experience with parent/motherhood and lack thereof.

Since becoming a mom I have been torn about social media. I have a lot of friends who exploit their family and others who have it locked down, so much that I still have no idea what their 12-year-old kid looks like. But if I were that curious then maybe I should stop declining their BBQ invites just to get a good look at the kid and see if she actually exists….

Either way, it really comes down to what you want and how much of yourself you want to give.

I currently have posts that I have trouble with hitting send. Simply because of their honesty and subject matter. I am a storyteller. I draw from life. I don’t use it as therapy, but it is therapeutic for me and the more honestly I write, the more people respond and reach out about how they relate and needed to know they aren’t alone. It fills me with love and purpose sometimes. 

I talk about the only thing I can freely talk about and that is my life. I don’t use it to shame or paint anyone in a bad light but I cannot help but think of the Anne Lamott quote -

“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better”

My stories have characters in them but they are real people. People who I care about or once did. People that deserve to be respected and protected. But that’s where I am torn because I can’t get around talking about my life when others are involved.

So, do I write about how everything is fine and amazing or do I write about what is really in my heart and the road, glamours or not, I took to get there?

I am not great with social media and don’t know how to handle it sometimes but I try. 

I have 2 Facebooks. One for “Rhiannon Archer” I use professionally. You’re not going to find family photos, many serious personal posts, personal profiles (unless they have wanted to add me), information about my day job etc… It’s your choice to friend it or not. Family and friends complain that they get bombarded with shows and I don’t blame them. 

I also have a personal “Rhiannon _______” one where you will find all of the listed above but only open to family and real-life friends.

Same goes for Instagram - one for Rhiannon Archer and one for Jude. Jude’s is locked down and private. I allow friends and family only. I deleted almost all of the photos of Jude on the “Rhiannon Archer” account. I also decided to unfollow family from the Rhiannon Archer so people could not find them by searching whom I follow. I also found myself censoring things that were goofy and a little crude because didn’t want family/co-workers to see, in case they didn’t get it. I did it also because in the past I have had people message me in regards to family members and photos. Really creepy stuff. I even had strangers message friends & family about me and general stalking. I have even had people steal personal photos to use for promotional posters with family and even my son in it. And since I ran both accounts and was mostly on Jude’s, which is the more important one, I didn’t think people would care.

I really never thought twice about it until recently it was brought to my attention by a family member. I unfollowed them thinking they wouldn’t care but they did, and it made me feel like garbage. Rightfully so, as I didn’t tell people I did that so I can see how shit of me that was but I honestly just wasn’t thinking in that sense.

*I will also note that Jude gets a hold of my phone and likes to flip through pictures and has unfollowed many people on my behalf. I think this is the real reason parents are warned against screen time.

I am not innocent and have hurt people unintentionally with my actions. Everyone does. It's human. I don’t have any malicious people in my life but shit happens, communication breaks down and I have stories. Stories where I learned something, grew and had an experience that most can relate to. And sure, after time has passed and I have fully digested the situation, then I can talk about it if I want. But I still get so torn on what comes naturally to me.

Putting on Life Records was especially hard as I talked about some heavy things. I spoke about my parents’ divorce, one of my stepmoms, ex-lovers and my poor behaviour. 

Even arson that I framed on my mother’s boyfriend that the truth came to life for the first time with my mom sitting in the audience. But there was a lot I cut out. A lot of stories I wanted to tell but was terrified in case family came. But those are the stories I need to tell and I find people need/want to hear.

I once told a story at Raconteurs that was probably the worst thing that ever happened to me. As I went up on stage, an audience member touched my arm and whispered that she was so happy I was on the show because I always tell funny stories. This was not a funny story and I wanted to just sit back down but knew that was even more reason to tell it. I personally was over the situation so I felt ready.

The theme of the show was” Live through This: Stories of emergency” and it was for a CBC taping. I was second last with a good friend Zeb. I warned him my story was not funny and Zeb in his beautiful way was supportive. The story started with a bunch of laughs and soon turned into silence. I told the story of how someone close to me, in a psychotic break, stabbed themselves 9 times in the neck in front of me. I got off stage and Zeb hugged me and I have never seen him look at me the way he did. I walked back to my seat and people just glared at me as if I pulled a “Kramer” on stage a spewed some hate speech.

I maybe lasted 5 more minutes at the show and had to leave. I felt like I betrayed everyone and tricked them into my pain. I was embarrassed and mortified that I overshared.

I came back the next month to the show to redeem myself and tell my funniest story ever but before I went up, I had a lot of people come up to me and hug me and tell me they had something very similar. One man told me about how a friend of his succeeded in killing himself in front of him and me telling that story helped him so much and he was so grateful. Listening to that man tell me about it made everything worth it to me. Making someone feel better about something most people cannot touch is worth my uncomfortableness. That is why I write, that is why I perform.

To this day I haven't had anyone come to me and confront me about my writing or performance. I am sure it’s all in my head. But I will continue to be more open and brave to talk about things because that’s who I am. On stage/screen and off.

In short, I guess I don’t need HBO to show my boobs, I’ll do it myself.

[theobliviouschildblog]

“Alfie is a player”

The morning of the 29th I woke up at 4 am and just could not calm my mind.

I was scared of hearing what the verdict was in the case of gender for our baby because of new reasons I never thought of before. My mind raced until 7 am when we had to get up and moving.

We got our son to school and headed to the ultrasound clinic. Once there I hopped on the bed and the lady got to work.

My first question, as always, was “Do you see a heartbeat?” for obvious reasons. She said yes and it was strong. She showed me it right away.

My next was “And you will tell us what it is, right?”

“No, I’m sorry that’s against our policy.”

No doubt she could see my insides tense up…. I was pissed!

But then I quickly remembered that I had to ask my midwives with Jude, to make a note that it was ok for the tech to tell us. I forgot to this time.

She was just doing her job and I respected that. I have a good friend who does this for a living and she always tells me the nonsense things patients do and demand from her. I wasn’t about to be one.

She showed me all the other parts of the baby. Baby has GREAT legs! They were adorable and the baby was flipping and moving around and I couldn’t help but feel more excited and in love.  

After we were done, the tech made sure to let me know that she would send the results off to my doctor and have them call me asap to tell me the gender.

She was awesome, kind and very professional but I left feeling really annoyed and anxious.

A few hours later I got a phone call from my doctor’s office and he told me the news.

The baby looks perfect and it’s a boy.

I knew it! And I will admit, there was a flash of disappointment but then followed by an all-consuming relief.  It’s a boy.

When I woke up this morning I could not shake the fear I had about having a girl. The worry I would have forever. And don’t get me wrong, any healthy child is a blessing and I wasn’t happy it wasn’t a girl. I was just relieved in a way.

I know things are getting better for women but I am scared and hesitant that society won’t get there in time for “her”.

I wanted a girl to give her the things I felt I never had but realized that I have no idea what another girl would want. 

I can, however, teach my two boys how to treat women. How I wanted to be treated. How to be amazing humans, allies and be part of the solution and not the problem.

Jude may look nothing like me, but his personality is all me. I see myself in him so much and it’s truly amazing to see yourself in another gender. He will have the things I never did. He won’t be valued by his looks, he will be listened too and not struggle with the things girls and women have. And yes, I know men have a whole whack load of issues and standards that are completely unfair and not easy to deal with at all. But my fears of walking alone at night, being valued by how I look and what I weigh, being scared to tell an employer that I am pregnant and not fear dismissal, he will not have.

I would love to have a daughter and a piece of me always will but it’s not in the cards now or maybe not ever. I decided to give Jude a sibling regardless of who or what they are. I thrilled I am able to do that. 

I would never change what I have. Ever. I am so grateful to be a mom of boys.

His name is Alfie and we are so in love with him already..... And I swear his name is not another ”Jude Law” thing.....

[theobliviouschildblog]

Netflix & CBC Article

So once again this is not Monday but it has been a pretty rough week and a half. Too many highs and lows, deadlines, self-realization, shows and an Italian bridal shower to throw (Still can’t believe I wasn’t the loudest person there haha).  It has been hard to concentrate and I am getting run down. BUT I did promise myself I would post weekly and I will. 

I also think I am going to play around with which days I post. In my class, we all had a group discussion about the best possible times to post social media and the different styles to take. So bear with me.

But let's focus on the positive!

I booked a Netflix series. Its just a small role but when I auditioned I was 2 months pregnant and casting, for obvious reasons, did not know. When I film it, I will be 6 months pregnant and that did not bother the producers at all. That really made me happy. I know the role could easily be played pregnant but I find a lot of the decision makers can be hard to sway and when they have their minds set on something/someone, it can be hard to change it.

Another great thing was the CBC took interest in me and wrote this great article about myself and working while pregnant.

I tried to make this about most industries as I feel the sentiment is the same throughout.

Check it out HERE

[theobliviouschildblog]

Stand up when all I want to do is sit down…

Stand up when all I want to do is sit down…

This will be an ongoing update no doubt.

Lately, I have been doing lots of stand-up again. It's become fun again and I like the extra money as I need to upgrade some baby stuff …. BUT Yes, I am exhausted. Yes, I’d rather be sleeping BUT I love doing it. It makes me feel normal at a time when I don’t. My body, the one thing I usually have control over and comfort with, has been taken over. All that coupled with the fact that I have no choice since I don’t have any rich childless great uncles passing away anytime soon and have a child in daycare. So I am happily back out telling jokes and writing.

But lately, when I have been performing, the novelty of having a pregnant belly is great. But the constant confusion from other comics isn't.

I have had a few comics, and I don’t want to single out a certain gender, but male comics come and question if I am even happy to be having another child? Perhaps I am just very convincing in my act but I cannot help but feel that is not the case – my acting resume would agree.

In my act, I say “I love being a mom but I HATE being pregnant’ -then I go on about how being pregnant sucks for silly reasons. Only a little of my act is about being a parent. Most of it is the same topics I was talking about before kids. It always does well with women, especially moms and I think the misdirects and juxtaposition make men laugh as well.

So I am confused where this other sort of vibe I am giving others is coming from? Perhaps it's them projecting their feelings about their lives/act/situations. Or perhaps they are trying to understand the bits more by trying to empathize with my situation?

There is one specific comedian that every time he hosts a show I am on, he feels the need to try and make a joke about me being a bad mother…. It never does well because he clearly wasn’t listening/hearing my act, and the audience liked me. But that is all on them. I just still think it’s odd and weird. I thought maybe I was just not being self-aware but more and more I am realizing that it’s just certain people not getting it and not everyone will get it or like it. I’m cool with that.

Trying to figure out why people view you in a certain way is like trying to make my kid eat veggies... almost impossible.

AND please for the love of God, stop with the Ali Wong comments. I am stoked for her and wish her all the success but I personally don’t resonate with her or her style of humour. But check out her Netflix specials and support women and working mothers!

[theobliviouschildblog]

The Difference

OK so it was the long weekend to technically this is a “Monday”

We had a really great long weekend. Jude has seemed to go through and grow out of a phase where I hate to admit, I didn’t want to be around him much. I was tired, nauseous, sore and in pain and just felt horrible. And for some reason, be it terrible 2’s or just a phase Jude was tantrum city. Waking up in the middle of the night/early mornings and just been awful to Graham and me.

Thankfully I have the best partner in the world and Graham took on a lot of the Jude caring.

Me at 4 months Pregnant each. Notice the facial expression.

This pregnancy has been completely different. A lot of people are speculating the reason is that I am having a girl but I have no idea and I don’t play into wives tales and all that jazz. Every person is different so why wouldn’t their start? I have been asking a lot of moms of 2 or more about their pregnancies and majority of them with 2 children of the same sex said that their pregnancies were very similar.  Only a few said they were different but ended up having the same.

I will be honest and admit I would prefer a girl because who doesn’t want one of each? But at the same time, I don’t really care as it's not something I cannot control. I decided to have another child to add to my family, regardless of what it was.

However, I find it fun to guess and still on the fence about finding out. But here are the difference between Jude and this one:

Jude 2015

First Trimester Tired Nausea but not actually throwing up – used Diclectin successfully Hair falling out Crazy dreams

Second Trimester Hair falling out Missing Cider as a bunch of new flavours came out and it was summer Crazy Dreams

Third Trimester Hair falling out Last 2 weeks had “Mothers Thumb” Anxiety over how the birth would go Crazy Dreams

“BumBum” 2018

First Trimester Extreme Nausea but not actually throwing up – Diclectin did not work at all Extreme tiredness – sleeping from 8pm-7am and having to nap midday Acne Back pain Insomnia Round Ligament pain

Second Trimester The odd wave of Nausea but not actually throwing up General tiredness – Wanting naps and never seeming rested Massive soul-crushing headaches – every day at 3pm-8pm Acne Insomnia Round Ligament pain Loss of appetite

Third Trimester TBD

Cravings

Jude

– PIZZA, Miniwheats, Chips, Orange Juice, Pickles, Cheese Buns, Fruit and Corn on the cob, Grandmas rice pudding, Lemon Curd Squares, Croissants

“BumBum” – CANDY, Muffins/Cake, Subway Veggie Subs, Caldo Verd,(Portuguese soup) Watermelon, Pad Thai, Rootbeer, Grape pop, Grandmas rice pudding(This is just a constant in my life).

Do not want!

Jude

– FISH! Watermelon, Candy and chocolate.

“BumBum”

– FISH! Pizza, meat, rice cakes, juice of any kind.

So I have no idea. I feel its another boy but who knows. Everyone around my due date has found out and they are all having girls so we will see.

We can find out May 29th what we are having but we have not decided firmly on what to do. We keep going back and forth about finding out or not. Knowing myself, I will want to find out but we were toying with the idea of getting a gender reveal cupcake for Jude and then we can all find out together as a family. I will admit that I am a little scared to find out simply because this is my last child and if it’s not a girl, the idea of having a daughter will be gone. Its just the idea and I would definitely not be upset either way. I would be stoked to have another boy but I will be sad that the idea of “her” is gone and I am not about to have more children in order to have a daughter. I know people who have done/are doing that and its not for me.

Oddly enough, Jude keeps saying it’s his baby sister but I think he is of the same mindset as us and that he doesn’t care, he just wants his sibling already.

[theobliviouschildblog]

This kid. I cannot stop laughing with his dancing and choreography to the theme song of this show. He had no idea I was filming and does this every time DinoTrux starts.

He is just the best and makes me laugh so much. I love this kid more than anything.

[theobliviouschildblog]

2 Year Gap For Babies And Blog Posts.

I stopped posting on here because I honestly felt I had nothing interesting or new to say and perhaps too depressed about it.

The past 2 and half years with my son and husband have been great. Not perfect, not easy, not constant fun but great none the less.

My son has been a great child. Slept, rarely cried, made me laugh and is sweet and kind. It’s been amazing watching him grow. But at the same time, I grew and changed and had/have no idea on how to begin to explain. So that makes it sort of hard to keep up a blog. Even though my past posts got a lot of attention and kind words from people, the majority of people reading were some select friends, CBC people and exes. I had no urge to post.

I have gone through entries and cringed. Mostly because of spelling mistakes and poor grammar but also because those problems were not problems.

So why post now? I am pregnant again expecting my second but what about it is different?

Well, like most parents, late at night I search the internet looking for answers to my problems or at least people who can relate and I come close but not really. So at the risk of sounding lame, I feel maybe if I keep at this and actually post weekly someone might find this and feel better, learn, commiserate and dare I say laugh. It will also help me not bottle things in. I have this issue of bottling things in and not asking for help, which I will go into another time.

So starting now, every Monday, at least, I will write more. About parenting, birth, children, marriage, family, work or whatever. Mainly for myself but in the hopes, it brings something to someone.

Soo....

Yesterday was Mother’s Day and it was beautiful and lovely but at the same time bittersweet.

I have tried on many occasions to write about my mother and it just doesn't happen for so many reasons. Mainly it's too hard for me and fear. I will get there but not today.

I had a wonderful morning with my son and husband. I got to sleep in which was so needed, I am 4 months (16W1Day) and exhausted beyond belief.

I woke up to my calico cat Fran, snuggled beside me and coconut pancakes! We then left for an adventure to the park and picnic. We got in a couple hours of walking which I was grateful for.

It was sunny and yummy and my son was all smiles and laughs. BumBum (second baby nickname) was also moving around a bunch as if they knew a fun time was being had without them.

On our way back we got popsicles and it reminded me of taking my nephews to High Park when I would watch them one day a week a few years ago. They were a lot of fun to watch. I kinda wish I had the insight of being a mom when I was taking care of them so I could have known what would have been more fun but I have some time to make up for it.

Later that evening I was having a nice bath and looking on Instagram when this picture caught my attention.:

It is by Mari Andrew - https://www.instagram.com/bymariandrew/

And even though it brought me down thinking of my relationship with my own mother, it also reminded myself that I am not alone.

All in all a good Mothers Day.

[theobliviouschildblog]

I got kicked out of a mom Facebook group today....

First I would like to make it clear that: The family who made the GoFundMe campaign at the center of this whole kerfuffle DID NOT post it in the group. It was a friend of theirs or whatever.

So: as soon as I announced I was pregnant, a lot of friends who are mothers added me to many, many Mom Facebook groups: Toronto Moms, Bloor West Moms, Bloordale Moms etc. They are all pretty much the same and can be very helpful but a lot of the time its people asking the same questions about sleep training.

One cool thing about these groups is we can come together and help each other out. I have donated clothes and diapers to help out others in need and have seen many women share and help each other out and that’s really awesome.

So a few days ago I saw a post with a GoFundMe attached to it. At first I thought “ Oh no, this family has cancer and needs help with medical expenses”

But when I opened it I saw that it was actually for a family who are waiting for a subsidy to come in so their 3 year old could go to daycare….. So to relieve them of the daycare cost, which was $1,700.00 a month, they wanted money from the community until their subsidy came in. Her husband worked, she wanted to go back to school for her masters or some shit……… $1,700.00 a month for a three year old………..

A little breakdown of daycare

0-18 months – Infant

18-30months(2.5years) – Toddler

30month - 5 years - Preschool

Infant is the most expensive. The cheapest I have found is $1,700.00/month. Toddler I have found for $1,200.00 and preschool $800.00-$1,000.00.

So their kid is preschool age and clearly they want to send him to some upscale nonsense.

A few of the moms responded to this GoFundMe post citing specific, reputable daycares that were in their area, $800.00 and had room but the woman who made the post was saying they are not available anymore and the mother was frantically on the phone each day for an hour looking…. Bullshit. It was all a bunch of horseshit.

Everyone struggles with daycare. I lay awake at night freaking out about what am I going to do.

Do I go back to work to only bring home $400.00 dollars a month and see my child for 1 hour a day? Or do I not go back and try to find a part time job and be tired as shit all the time? I get anxiety on what to do and honestly I have it easy.

So many single moms and dads have no choice, and have to figure it out alone. I couldn’t image. Stuck in low paying jobs, sometimes more than 1! And these people are asking people to pay for their kids daycare? That’s some villainess shit!

And yes, it crossed my mind that I don’t know their story. Sure things could be really bad for them – but they posted nothing about that. Just that they want to send their preschooler to a $1,700.00/month daycare when there are many more options out there. And they wanted you to pay for it.

So I simply replied to the post:

I don’t think this is right to post this here. Everyone struggles with daycare and its offensive and insensitive to ask this of people you don’t know and who could be struggling harder. Post away on your own personal page but this is wrong.

The girl then came at me with excuse after excuse

“You don’t know them” “That’s not very supportive” etc

And then I was deleted.

I don’t care that I was removed from this mom group. I wouldn’t want to be in it anyways. I also know from a friend that this woman posted this GoFundMe page in a lot of the mom groups. And was “attacked” harder than I did and she removed it.

I just hope that someone suggest to the mom maybe if she stopped brewing Kombucha and taking gluten out of shit for a moment and got a part time job, she wouldn’t need to ask people less fortunate than her to help put her kid through fancy-ass pre-school. Just seems like less of a hassle than to ask for money.

Moms need to stop being so gentle and stick up for themselves with bullshit like this. Mothers and Fathers are open targets to people on what they should be doing and comments on how they are parenting. 

Of corse I didn’t need to comment on this but unlike unsolicited advice or criticism, this woman openly asked for it and I just hope people call others out on their shit like this.

You can GoFundYourself!

[theobliviouschildblog]

Here is an article I wrote in association with the Yummy Mummy Club and Huggies! ENJOY!

[theobliviouschildblog]

Mom brain is a real damn thing! I keep screwing up places and times!

[theobliviouschildblog]

Jude's first out loud laugh. Although he doesn't look much like me, he got my sense of humour... Farts are hysterical!