the person that you’d take a bullet for is behind the trigger (read on ao3)
niall/harry, ~2.5k, a prequel to this, can be read as a stand-alone, fluff and angst.
The first time Niall kissed Harry, they were both 16, and a bit tipsy.
Harry had come to visit Niall in Ireland, and they were at a party, and someone dared them to. Niall had laughed at the thought, but before he knew what was happening, Harry’s lips were on him, and cheers were erupting all around them.
It only lasted for about three seconds, and it was dry and awkward. It still gave Niall a funny feeling in his stomach though, made his heart beat just a little bit faster. But then it was over, and Harry was laughing, pointing at him.
“You should see your face right now, bro!” Harry laughed, “Epic!”
Niall shook his head and laughed it off. Showed whatever it was he had felt away, and didn’t think about it anymore.
(Except sometimes, in between gigs when he was lying in his bunk and Harry was lying above him. He’d think about it then, maybe. But he wouldn’t admit that to anyone, not even himself.)
In the following years, Niall almost kissed Harry again a few times. It’s not Niall’s fault, really, because Harry has a tendency to hang all over him both on-stage and off-stage, and it’s not always easy to pretend that he doesn’t think about it sometimes.
So there are a few moments over the years, backstage after gigs, in dark clubs surrounded by dancing bodies, in hotel rooms just as the sun is about to rise, that Niall thinks about kissing Harry. He doesn’t though, so it doesn’t really matter that the thought crosses his mind sometimes.
Then Zayn leaves, and things change.
The day Zayn tells them he’s leaving sucks for all of them. Louis leaves the room right after the words have left Zayn’s mouth, Liam gives Zayn a hug before he follows him to make sure he’s OK. Harry’s quiet, he’s not even looking at Zayn, and Niall just...
He doesn’t understand, because how could Zayn not love this, love what they do. Niall loves it so much he’s worried what’s going to happen once it’s all over, and here Zayn is, saying he wants to leave.
“Listen, you lads can still go on,” Zayn says, after he’s recovered slightly from Louis’ reaction, “It’s not like you need to stop just ‘cos I’m not part of it anymore.”
Niall nods his head, meeting Zayn’s eyes, and he can tell that this is what Zayn wants to do, can see it in his eyes. He nods again, and takes a deep breath, willing the tears that are threatening to spill over to stay put.
“No, I get it man,” he says, even though he really doesn’t, “You’ve gotta do what makes you happy.”
“Yeah,” Harry chimes in, “No point in doing something that makes you unhappy, right? If your heart’s not in it, then... yeah.”
“Lads, you have no idea what it means to hear you say that,” Zayn says, reaching out to rest his hand on Niall’s shoulder. “Listen, I should go pack, but like, I’ll talk to you later, yeah?”
“Pack?” Harry says, confusion all over his face, “You’re leaving now?”
“Well, yeah, I thought-” Zayn starts, but Harry’s angry now, and he’s on his feet and-
“Tour’s barely even started and you’re just leaving?” he says, voice raising steadily, “You’re not even gonna stay ‘til the end of the tour? What the fuck, Zayn?”
“Harry, I’m not happy,” Zayn says, his voice close to shouting. “I’m sorry, but I have to leave now, or I’m gonna have a fuckin’ breakdown!”
“What about the fans, huh?” Harry spits, and he’s definitely shouting now, “They’ve already payed for the tickets, and you’re just gonna up and bail on them? That fucking sucks, Zayn!”
In that moment, Niall wishes he was anywhere but in this room. The tension between his two bandmates is killing him, and he just wants to go back in time to last nights gig, pretend like this isn’t happening. He’s purposefully not looking at any of them, staring down at his nails and picking at them. Please stop, he thinks.
“What about me, Haz?” Zayn shouts, making Niall finally look up at them.
“I...” Harry says, and something in his eyes shifts, goes soft where it had been hard. “Shit, you’re right, Zayn, I’m sorry, I don’t... I don’t know what the fuck came over me, I’m sorry.” Zayn still looks angry though.
“It’s whatever, man” he says, voice cold and edgy. “I’m gonna go pack, see you guys later.”
And then he’s opening the door and walking out, and Niall knows that he’ll see him again, knows he’ll see him later today even, but it still feels like he’s just walked out of Niall’s life, and it hurts.
Suddenly Harry’s sitting down next to him, and he looks shell-shocked. And Niall’s not proud of it, but now is one of those moments where he thinks about kissing Harry. He doesn’t know if it’s because of the same reason as always, or if it’s because of Zayn, or something else, but he feels it then, stronger than ever, the urge to kiss Harry.
“I don’t know what came over me,” Harry says, voice low, “I just got so angry, and I couldn’t keep it in. What if he hates me, Niall? Did you see his face? It looked like he hated me.”
“No one could ever hate you, Harry Styles,” Niall says, because it’s the truth, Niall can’t imagine anyone knowing Harry and hating him. He puts his arm around Harry’s shoulder and pulls him in so he can rest his head on Niall’s shoulder. They both let out shaky breaths.
“It’s all going to change now, isn’t it?” Harry asks, and Niall hasn’t heard his voice this vulnerable since before they released Take Me Home and Harry was freaking out over if it was gonna go as well as their first album.
“Yeah, probably,” Niall says, because he’s not going to lie to Harry, “change isn’t always bad though, Harry.” Harry lifts his head from his shoulder then, and looks at Niall. There’s something in his eyes that Niall hasn’t seen before, doesn’t know how to interpret.
“Yeah,” Harry whispers, “You’re right.” And before Niall knows what’s happening, Harry’s leaning in and capturing his lips in a soft kiss. Niall’s frozen for the first few seconds, not sure what to do. When Harry doesn’t move away though, he gets the picture, and he tentatively kisses back. He can feel Harry smile against his mouth, and he can’t help but smile as well.
And in that moment, Niall finally admits to himself that maybe he’s wanted to kiss Harry for a really long time.
They don’t really stop kissing, after that. That first night it’s just that, kissing, holding onto each other as their entire world changes around them. After that it starts going further, gets more heated. Until one day Niall is bent over Harry, pressing slow kisses over his tummy and thighs, and takes him into his mouth. That’s when Niall realizes that he’s hooking up with Harry. Frequently.
“Niall?” he hears from above him, and he raises his head to look at Harry. He looks so good like this, hair disheveled, slightly red cheeks. “You alright? You kind of just, stopped and stared at my knob.”
“Yeah, I’m...” he shakes his head, licks a stripe up Harry’s dick, “I’m good, sorry.” He takes him into his mouth again, and if Harry had anything more to add, it gets lost in between one moan and the other.
The thing is, they never talk about it. Neither one of them ever bring it up, both of them seemingly content to just keep it what it is. Niall hates it though, if he’s being honest. Because ever since he admitted that he wants to kiss Harry, he’s also had to admit that he kind of wants to hold Harry’s hand, and curl up with him after gigs and just cuddle. And he’s also realized that he smiles brighter at Harry than anyone else, always laughs louder at Harry.
Niall thinks he might be a little bit in love with Harry and it sucks, because as far as Harry’s concerned they’re only hooking up. And as far as Niall knows, Harry still hooks up with other people when they’re not together during breaks in the tour.
It’s not that Niall doesn’t want to talk about it with Harry, he’s just scared. Scared that Harry’s gonna look at him as if he’s grown a second head, tell him that he has to be crazy if he thinks Harry could feel the same way. Objectively, Niall knows that Harry would let him down gentler than that, but that doesn’t make it less scary. So they keep it up, finding dark corners backstage, sneaking into each others bedrooms after gigs, and it’s good, great even. Niall is so in love, and it doesn’t really matter that he can’t have all of Harry like he wants, he’s happy taking what he can get.
(Except it does matter, because it breaks Niall a little bit every time one of them leaves the hotel room after a late-night hook up, every time he sees Harry flirting with someone else. He’s OK though, really.)
Tour goes on, and Niall and Harry don’t stop. After the last gig in Sheffield, Niall brings Harry home, let’s him fuck him slow until they’re both panting, and Niall comes with Harry’s name on his tongue.
The next morning Niall’s nursing a hangover and Harry decides that putting on Marley and Me is a good idea. Niall throws a pillow at him during the saddest bit, and Harry coos and brings him in for a cuddle. Niall thinks he might like that even better than the previous night. Or maybe the two are tied. Niall’s not sure, all he knows is that he is head over heels in love with Harry, and it hurts because Harry doesn’t love him back, but it’s still OK, as long as he can do this sometimes, bury his head in Harry’s shoulder and just breathe him in.
Tour ends and promo season starts, and for a while, Niall and Harry are good. Niall thinks maybe there’s a chance that during the break they could try something real, thinks Harry might feel the same way.
It doesn’t stay great though, and Niall doesn’t know what’s changed, specifically, or why, but he can tell that it has changed. Something in the was Harry looks at him, maybe, or is it the way he touches him? Hugs him? Niall can’t pinpoint it, maybe it’s all of those, maybe it’s none of them. And even though it sometimes is the same, when Harry hugs him during Tattoo Roulette, or when he won’t let go of his hand after a high-five, it’s still definitely different. And that scares Niall.
It all comes to a head after their performance on X-factor. Niall goes out clubbing with Louis, while Harry goes out with Nick. They agree to meet back at Niall’s place after, and Niall doesn’t know what it is, but there’s something in Harry’s eyes as they say goodbye that worries him.
When he stumbles into his flat later, Harry’s already there, waiting for him in the kitchen. As soon as he spots Niall, he’s walking over to him, pushing him up against the wall and kissing him. The kiss is urgent and hot, and it doesn’t take long for Niall to get hard at all. He wraps his legs around Harry’s waste as Harry kisses down his neck, pants heavily as Harry starts unbuttoning, and lets out a whimper when Harry palms him through his jeans.
“Wanna fuck you,” Harry breathes into Niall’s ear, and Niall can’t do anything but nod, completely lost in the feeling of Harry’s hands and Harry’s mouth.
They stumble to the bedroom with their mouths connected, and for a moment Niall thinks he might have imagined anything being wrong.
Later when Harry’s head is resting on his chest, fully asleep and snoring just the tiniest bit, Niall decides that he’s gonna tell him. When they wake up, he’s gonna tell him that he loves him, consequences be damned, he can’t not tell him; feels so full of love that he might burst any second. He falls asleep with a hand in Harry’s hair and a smile on his lips.
When he wakes up, Harry’s not there anymore. He can hear noises coming from the kitchen though, so he’s not too worried. He gets out of bed, pulls on a pair of loose joggers and goes into the kitchen to greet Harry.
“Mornin’ sunshine,” he says, yawning. Harry’s sitting at the breakfast bar, sipping a cup of tea and fiddling with a piece of toast.
“Morning,” he grumbles, not looking up.
“You alright?” Niall asks, sitting down across from him. Harry’s wearing a white shirt that Niall is pretty sure belongs to him, and he’s pulled his hair into a bun. He looks good, Niall thinks.
“Yeah,” Harry says, still not meeting Niall’s eyes, “Just been thinkin’ ‘bout some stuff.”
“What kind of stuff?” Niall asks, brows knitting together.
“The hiatus,” Harry says, not missing a beat, like he’s planned it, “‘s gonna be good yeah? Get some time off.”
Niall makes an affirmative noise, trying to figure out where Harry’s going with this.
“And like,” Harry continues, “it’s gonna be nice to get the time to like, actually pursue a relationship, yeah?”
And, what? Where the hell is he going with this?
“I mean, not that you’re not a good shag, Nialler,” he says, “Just, y’know, gonna be nice to pursue something with actual feelings involved, instead of just, y’know. Convenient orgasms.”
And Niall really doesn’t know what to say to that, can feel his heart breaking inside his chest. he stares at Harry, mouth hanging open, trying to read something in Harry’s face, trying to figure out if he’s taking the piss.
Harry looks up at him then, and his eyes are colder than Niall’s ever seen them. And Niall’s heart is already broken, but it’s like the pieces just turned to dust, that’s how it feels, like it’s never going to be whole again.
“Yeah,” he says, because what else is there to say, really? He clears his throat, and sands up, walking over to the fridge just so he can look at something, anything, that isn’t Harry fucking Styles.
“Anyways, I’m gonna head out now,” Harry says, and Niall can hear him getting up, but he doesn’t turn around, stares intently at the contents of his fridge. “Gonna meet up with Nick and the gang for like, brunch. See you around, yeah?”
“Yeah,” Niall says, still not turning around, trying to keep his voice nonchalant. “See you around, mate.”
Eventually he hears the sound of the door closing, and even though he knows that he’ll probably see Harry again, it still feels like he just walked out of his life for good.
