João Fonseca, a child on a 13-match win streak, wins his first match against a Top 10 opponent in straight sets in his main draw major debut. In bigger news, Rublev smiled at the net and didn’t engage in self-sabotage (his one racquet throw was, in all honesty, understandable and frankly tame)
Jannik Sinner, whose 1R draw of unseeded Nicolas Jarry looks tough on paper, sweeps the match in 3 and says nice things like ‘it was tough in the first two sets,’ meaning we all heard him say ‘man, that third set was easy!’
Daniil Medvedev, friend of aforementioned Top 10 opponent, decides to try to one up his own record from last year of spending the most amount of time on court by getting into a five setter against an opponent who, and I quote, ‘surprised [Daniil] with how good he played… [because Daniil didn’t think] he was that good’
Tsitsipas flops his way out of one of his best tournaments, proving once again Paula Badosa is the one feeding that family. Get back to the kitchen, Stef!
Botic van de Zandschulp, upon realizing Alex de Miñaur is not retiring any time soon, decides not to go Killer Mode, laying the first stone in Alex’s never-ending quest to make an AO qf
Carlitos finds (yet another) fan in the gracious Alexander Shevchenko who repeatedly smiled at some of the more ludicrous shots off Alcaraz’s racquet
Novak drops the first set to another teenager, Nishesh Basavareddy, whose parents must surely be coming around to the idea of him dropping out of Stanford last month. Novak then remembers who he is and where he is, and wins the match after letting the kid show off a bit
Flavio Cobolli has time to regrow his hair in peace now, having lost to Tomás Martín Etcheverry. We all know he did this to avoid the certainty of losing to Jannik in the 3R
Tallon Griekspoor continues to suffer. This is a recurring story. Surely there is more pain in his future
Holger Rune for some reason decides to also get into a five-setter against Zhang Zhizhen, and makes the cat man earn his 1R paycheck
Francisco Cerúndolo, who had the bad luck of drawing unseeded Alexander Bublik, reminds everyone what a player who trains hard looks like and wins in straight sets. So. Who’s embarrassing themselves now?
Gael Monfils shows UP and shows OUT, defeating young compatriot Giovanni Mpetshi Perricard in five sets, standing firmly w Novak in the camp of ‘fuck them kids!’
Stan Wawrinka, who is apparently nicer, loses to Lorenzo Sonego, but goddamn did he try! He took the second set 7-5 and lost the third and fourth 5-7.
Frances Tiafoe attempts to emulate post-puke Sinner by vomiting on court. Stay tuned to see if he’ll pull it off next round
Learner Tien sneaks into the second round in 5 sets. He plays Medvedev next which I guess is guaranteed to go to 5 also. The kids are coming up!
Arthur Cazaux, a slightly older child, tries to remind everyone how he was the shiny new thing at last year’s AO and knocks out poor old Sebastián Báez
With relatively little tournaments going on now post-wimbledon, i've decided that the next best thing is to watch the atp top 25 (minus rat) fight to the death in the hunger games. Since that's also not an option, i'm left just simulating what would happen if they were in the hunger games. So without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, meet the cast:
And it's lights out and away we go!
Day 1
And already, there are casualties. Local american idiots Ben Shelton and Taylor Fritz team up to fight brit Jack Draper and honorary brit Alex de Minaur. Unfortunately, Ben and Taylor don't make it. Rip american idiots. You found each other in every universe.
As the day goes on, we don't see any more casualties. However, faa is pricked by thorns, which is about the most action so far. Oh and Hubi sparing Lorenzo's life like the gentleman he is. Daniil with explosives, a great combination i'm sure. As night falls, 2 cannon shots can be heard in the distance. Rip Ben Shelton and Taylor Fritz.
Night 1
Some very interesting groups. Not sure why Lorenzo would want to hang out with the guy who just defeated him in a fight, but it's his decision. No more deaths yet. Sebastian Baez is a mood.
Day 2
Novak Djokovic with a spear is something that everyone should be afraid of. But having said that, it is Jack Draper who kills Felix Auger Aliassime, who evidently has not recovered from his earlier thorn prick. Jack - 3, everyone else - 0. A cannon can be heard in the distance. Felix Auger Aliassime, taken from us too soon.
Night 2
Everyone prefers night matches apparently, because all the action is happening at night! Both Chileans fall at the hands of the ruthless Sebastian Korda and the merciless Andrey Rublev respectively. Rip Chile, you had to put clothes on eventually. Alex de Minaur has opted to keep Lorenzo Musetti alive. This is the 2nd time someone could have killed Lore but his puppy dog eyes must have won them over. Will this come back to bite him in the arse? Honestly, i wouldn't need much convincing to snuggle up with Alexander Bublik.
Day 3
Hubi the gentle giant not so gentle, forcing Bublik to kill Karen. If i was Sebastian Korda, i too would question my sanity. I wouldn't even have to be in the hunger games. Alex keeps letting people live, which is nice of him, but what other chance are you gonna get to eliminate the threat that is Novak? Biggest news though, the number 1 seed is out! Yes, Jannik Sinner has been killed at the hands of Sebastian Baez. 4 cannon shots can be heard for the Chileans, Karen and Jannik.
Night 3
Not much to say here, except that Tommy Paul might have an infection, Stefanos is thirdwheeling ruru, and Jack shows mercy for once. Also, i've heard Novak sing in that backhand boys video, and he didn't have the worst vocals.
Day 4
A lot of sanities being questioned. Tommy Paul tried to be too clever and it has backfired on him. Sebastian Korda is the last North American standing. In a repeat of the Dubai semi finals this year, Ugo Humbert has taken down Daniil Medvedev. Is the arena filled with clay? Sebastian Baez seems to be enjoying himself though. And glad to see Andrey try to fix his sleep schedule. 2 cannon shots for Tommy and Daniil.
Night 4
Another night, another Tsitsipas rizz masterclass. First cuddling with Sascha, now holding hands with Jack. In revenge of the Acapulco final, Casper kills Alex. Between this and Daniil, mouse man nation has truly crumbled.
Day 5
It seems like his age is finally catching up with Novak, whose ankle gives out after a chase by the fitter Andrey. After scaring him in Day 4, Holger doesn't finish the job and spares Korda. Maybe he felt bad for the jumpscare? But in a huge twist of events, evidently Bublik hasn't gotten over Hubi forcing him to kill Karen, so he enlists the help of Carlos to get revenge. Poor baby Casper is pricked by thorns. I wonder how he'll fare?
Everyone has failed their mandatory drug test and begins to hallucinate. Sebastian Korda wins the Sebastian Derby, and there goes Latin America's last hope. Both Carlos and Novak die hugging tracker jacker nests. Maybe it's a grand slam winner thing? Also Lorenzo and Holger attempt to run away to wonderland together, but their doomed love story ends there. At least they died together. I know the French eat snails but apparently they also eat scorpions too. And this one is a doozy. A whopping 8 cannon shots can be heard for Alex de Minaur, Hubi Hurkacz, Sebastian Baez, Carlos Alcaraz, Lorenzo Musetti, Holger Rune, Novak Djokovic and Ugo Humbert. At this point, i'm beginning to get scared that Sebastian Korda might actually win this thing.
Night 5
Korda continues his reign of terror, taking out Bublik. Grigor dares to dream, something that he hasn't done in a long time. Probably.
And it's time for the feast!
Oh my! Andrey Rublev has always been a wanted man, but now it seems like he's wanted more than ever, and not in a good way. Grigor doesn't go to the feast. At least he didn't see his lover die.
Day 6
Grigor goes and takes revenge for Andrey's murder, but ultimately decides against going through with it. 2 cannon shots can be heard. Rip Alexander Bublik and Andrey Rublev.
Night 6
Poor Grigor, still haunted by his dead lover. And here's another weird statistic for the atp, tree related deaths - 2. You heard that right ladies and gentlemen. Two people have died from tree related incidents: Jack from falling out of a tree and Sebastian Korda from being stabbed by a tree branch. Ouch. At least his reign of terror is now over.
So, who is still alive?
After flopping on the atp tour for these past months, Casper Ruud, Stefanos Tsitsipas and Grigor Dimitrov suddenly find themselves with a chance at victory. Will it be the iceman Casper Ruud who will find himself winning a title bigger than a 250? Will the balding, bisexual, Bulgarian Grigor Dimitrov win his 2nd title since 2017? Or will Stefanos "daddy issues" Tsitsipas prove that he can win without on-court coaching? Stay tuned to find out.
Day 7
Casper goes back to his Scandi roots and builds a shack worthy of rivaling ikea furniture. 1hbh off and Grigor runs away, knowing he can't shank the ball as well as Stefanos can. 2 shots can be heard for Jack Draper and Sebastian Korda.
Night 7
Stefanos wasn't invited to the cuddle party. The shock of that was too much for him and he passed out. Not fatally though.
Day 8
Stefanos, in awe of Grigor's backhand and slice, knows he cannot compete with him, begs to be killed. Grigor keeps him alive anyway.
Night 8
If this were another genre, it'd be the start of a smutty threesome. But it's the hunger games, so two of these men are gonna be dead come tomorrow.
Day 9
And what's this? Grigor Dimitrov has died from thirst. What a way to go though. And Casper Ruud from district 4, killing off his title contender for king of flopping, has won the hunger games! Congrats king, i hope you win a real title soon.
