Jan 26, 2017
When are you gonna stop breaking my heart.
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When are you gonna stop breaking my heart.
January 25th, 2017
Today, I was told something that I never wanted to hear. I was given fear like I’ve haven’t felt in a really long time. I’m trying to figure out if the universe finally heard my inner most deepest thoughts about wanting to die, but also wanted to live to the very fullest.
Today, I was told that I need an operation/procedure done. One that needs me to be put asleep. I’m not afraid of a lot of things. But being medically put to sleep is a deep fear that I’ve had. Because some people don’t wake up from that. And yes, maybe that’s what I want sometimes. But I, more than anything, want to live. Happy.
This operation/procedure scares me. And I know I won’t have anything or anyone to comfort me or support me or take care of me or even love me. Yes, I’ll have family and my 3 friends. But who I want most, won’t be there. And that scares me and upsets me almost as much as the operation.
Some things are just meant to be done alone I guess. And sometimes, some people just don’t want to fully be a part of your life. I need to start accepting that. I need to start accepting taking care of myself alone. Caring for myself alone. Helping myself alone. I need to accept that I’m alone and will be alone. For a very long time.
Being alone for a few days made me realize that I was never good enough. I was never worth it. And I probably never will be. To you. To anyone.
Note to self: Don't cry for hours over him. Don't weep and sob until you can't breathe. Don't replay the memories of the two of you when you were both genuinely happy. Don't think about all that he could've been for you. Don't look at his pictures or his text messages. Don't say his name. Don't picture him holding you making you feel safe and loved. It's fake. Stop planning your future with him in your head. Do not remain loyal to him. Do not call him or text him. Do not remind him of his appointments out of kindness. He doesn't deserve it. Don't think that things can be worked out now. Too little, too late. Don't wonder why he didn't fight for you. You weren't worth it. Don't touch the things he's given you or the things that remind you of him. Don't love him. Don't love him. Don't love him. I've done all this over and over again. But he's not doing any of it. He wouldn't do any of it. Why? I'll never know now.
I don't know who you are anymore, and I don't want to stay with you and find out.
Note to self: Never wait around on someone who doesn't value or respect your time and health. Other note to self: If someone is showing you that they don't care, they genuinely do not give a single fuck about you. Last note to self: Do not give someone more effort than what they're giving you. If they are not giving you or showing you any effort, don't even fucking bother to give them any in return.
Don't ever believe someone when they say, "It won't ever happen again" or "I'll do my best so that this doesn't happen ever again" because 100% of the time, they don't give a fuck about what happens to you when that promise is broken.
Never had period back pain like this before. Every month my period symptoms get worst than the last month. Extreme anger, extreme depression (worst than a regular day), cramps, back pain, extremely emotional, and constantly nauseous. All this just to carry a child in me one day. Worth it.